How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

Mummy- it's not quite like that.

I have helped someone in my family with their profile. Someone who is not registered can see people on free sites- but the site limits the number- so after about 10 clicks on profiles, it asks you to register- sure, you can do this with a false name etc if you want to play detective!

Other sites such as Match will not allow you to see anyone.

Some sites such as The Times and Guardian will allow you to see the basic profiles of a few people, but again, there is a limit. That's why I cannot understand why Sponge says no one on those sites appeal to her as she cannot possibly have viewed them all without being registered.

I think what you are suggesting is the other extreme. It' s up to the individual to find out about anyone on the site- just as if you met them In Tesco or at a party!

Having their jobs etc vetted is no guarantee they are not plonkers of the highest order, is it?

I was thinking more of the privacy aspect of not wanting all my colleagues or friends to see me (apart from the few I'd have told about it).

But they could only see you if they knew your user name. if they just started searching, the site would cut out in all likelihood before they had found you.

Your new profile is a million times better.

As a genral point about internet dating:

someone i know who used to internet date- a guy- explained it like this:

If you were to meet 100 people at a party, then you might want to see 50 of them again- even as just friends.

Of those 50, maybe 25 would be possible "dates".

Of those 25, maybe half would be someone you'd like to see again- so now we are down to 12;100 odds.

Out of those 12, maybe half or fewer would be potential longer term relationships.

So what this means is that of you meet 100 people then maybe 6 are going to be potential relationships.

His take on it- he was a guy aged 45-sih and very bright and veryhigh powered- was that it's a numbers game.

My take on this is:
If you never get 2nd dates it's for one- or any combination- of these reasons:

*Your profile and who you are & what you are looking for are mismatched.
*Your ability to read between the lines of the guy's profile needs improving, or else they are not describing themselves accurately either.
*There is no chemistry- impossible to sense until you meet.
*You like them they don't like you and vice versa- the way of the world, just move on.
*Your behaviour in a 1:1 dating situaiton leaves something to be desired- maybe you don't know how to flirt, maybe you flirt too much, maybe you are no good at conversation- maybe you are great at all of these but the guy is not receptive.

I've got friends who are now with guys they met online. The point being that you will meet someone one day if you keep at it. A friend used to set up 4 dates a weekend- 2 daytime and 2 evening. She was a single mum but arranged it around when her ex had their child. it can be done- you just need to keep going and keep open minded, maybe meeting guys who you think are not your "type".

I will say Sponge and I know everyone will hate me more than they already do but with regards to the current long running dating thread and all the talk of IE and stuff has made it seem the norm to meet guys with a view to sex on the first night and even ignore basic safety rules and this isn't the right way to find someone who you want to date regularly.

Disclaimer: of course, it's perfectly fine to do this if you are happy with casual hook-ups. Right I'm ducking now and possibly never posting on there again .

That's absolute rubbish adams and just shows that you have missed the whole point and the humour behind the IE talk. And talk on a thread about IE does not give men the message it's 'the norm' to have sex on the first date. If there is no chemistry then there will be no second date. If there is chemistry/attraction then there more than likely will be a second date, regardless of whether or not a couple slept together on the first date.

Sponge, you have no problem getting dates, you have a problem getting second dates, which does imply that you simply haven't met someone, yet, who feels a connection and wants to take things further.

Time, as I did say on the thread at the time, It's fine to have sex on the first date (gawd I've not been an angel) but not if it would upset you when a guy doesn't want a second date, which sponge clearly has been.

I did realise with you were doing an experiment to find out if it would attract more attention with the IE thing and you weren't going to actually hook up that way.

Anyway don't want to post about another thread extensively, so will stop there.

Adams - the IE just proved a point, the same people were messaging under IE as were messaging under dating. All the IE did was add numbers to dating possibilities. We also put we were not looking for sex on our profiles

I have met a number of lovely men while being IE, I've only had sex with one of them

Long time singles still need sex and some of us quite like a bunk up every so often. I'm not sure any of us have put ourselves at risk, we still meet in public and follow the OD 'rules'. I personally believe meeting people in the pub on a saturday night, possibly drunk is far more risky than OD

Back to Sponge - I personally believe (again) OD is like a job interview sometimes, we are interviewing these people. We also have to look at lots and lots people before we find one that we like and they like us. OD opens up the pool and we can look at people we would never meet in RL but that means we are meeting people that wouldn't be in natural circles

I go out on a weekend and there will be maybe one person I like the look of, out of a whole pub or club. OD is the same. It is tricky to find someone who you fancy, they fancy you, you like their personality, they like yours, you have compatible interests, humour and outlook and you are sexually compatible. That's a lot of things that have to be right, this is why it takes a long time - not because there is anything wrong with you

Hey sponge. I am a 37 year old guy that spent a few months on POF - also in Kent. I was looking for a relationship, not just a shag, so kinda in your target group. So my random anonymous internet expert opinion might be helpful.

Photos:

Black and white is a no no. Feels like you have been touching up your photos.
Close focus is ok, but you want some of your surroundings to show through, because that is a glimpse into your life and personality. Something that feels like a real person that isn't trying too hard.

Profile:

You are a mother - but your profile shouts work, party, football?
You are likely to meet men, but they will be working on the basis of an occasional drunken shag, rather than looking to date a real person that has to get up every morning and get the kids ready for school, or be home most nights helping them with homework.

I'm guessing it is harder to find someone that is unfazed by kids than it is to find someone that is unfazed by working and partying. So target your profile accordingly, and decide what your minimum standards are. Some of your profile sounds like you want someone to cuddle up and giggle with, whilst the rest sounds like you just want party fun.

I wouldn't have contacted you based on your profile on POF, but if I had have read your posts, I probably would have as the real you is more apparent on MumsNet.

Sorry if this comes across as negative, you clearly are a nice person it just needs to come out in your profile.

MrsC totally agree. I also think problems arise when you date someone just for the sake of having a date. I get lot's of messages, I could have a date every night if I wanted but I won't waste my time, or theirs, if the profile/messages don't match up to my very high standards requirements. That's the beauty of Internet Dating, you can sort the wheat from the chaff from the start off.

adams sponge has already said that she hasn't had second dates from the guys she hasn't slept with. I don't think sex on a first date makes the slightest bit of difference. If a guy doesn't want to see a woman again, he won't. But that won't stop him taking sex if it's on offer.

disclaimer: I have never had sex on a first date, or a ONS or a FWB so I am not claiming to be an expert on the subject. I'm a prude and proud

I met my now husband on plenty of fish :)

So it IS possible!

However, I also spoke to quite a few idiots. As did my now dh. Including one who seemed more interested in the fact I already had a child than anything else (very creepy, instant block - we only got as far as messaging through the site).

I think you have to be quite brutal. If there's anything about their profile, the way they write, their photo that you don't like 100% then that for me was a block and move on. I lost count of how many I blocked.

When I registered for the site I also put my address as 30 miles away from where I actually lived as I didn't want local people searching for me or people I knew seeing me on there... I figured I could search for the local ones myself.

I put that I had a child, but I didn't say anything more than that about my daughter. I didn't want to attract weirdo's. I was astounded at the number of people who have photos with their kids on there!!

I actually found dh's profile myself and I messaged him. He was out of my usual age range by one year (!!) but I thought I'd have a look in a lower age range and he seemed really nice... Liked the same music, same interests, seemed to be able to write in whole sentences (!!) etc... I sent him a chatty long message (I'd also block people who just wrote one liners - where's the effort???!) and he wrote me a long reply back.. We spoke on the phone for a week. Then we met for a coffee during the day (day times are better, no expectations of anything else! and gives you time to come away and think!)... Before we knew it 3 hours had flown by and he texted me on the way home to say he'd like to see me again if I was interested. Hell yeah!! :)

We dated for about a year and he met dd who loves him to bits. We got married this year and our ds is due in 5 weeks time!

And this is coming from me who's had nothing by horrible relationships including an ex husband who left after 8 years for his ex girlfriend (!!) and then a fuckwit of an ex who used me for sex for 6 months and then fucked off round the world saying he needed to find himself.... sheesh.

The best advice I can give anyone looking for love is don't give up... and don't have sex too quickly!! I think we waited about 2 months before having sex... And that included him staying over at my house when dd was away as there were no trains for him to get home!

There's nothing wrong with having sex if you want to, but meeting a long term partner should be about the connection you have with each other as people, the talks, the dates you go on, the journey. Not the removing the undergarments.
But hey maybe I'm old fashioned.

That's the approach I take loonybun. My block list is off the page!

TimeForMeAndDD ... yep, needs to be done doesn't it!!

I've got my mum on the site now looking for someone and she's terrible at it... She messages people so randomly saying "Hi" and waiting for them to reply back and wondering why they don't... And she's not stupid either, she's an intelligent woman so why not write more?? She says "oh if they're interested they'll message back"... well I wouldn't have done!

I keep telling her to just block and move on more than she does and she says she feels bad - why???? if you passed someone on the street and they were a loon and waved at you and you didn't like the look of them you wouldn't feel bad would you?? :) She makes me laugh. Once you've blocked it's not like you'd have to see them again!!

I went on few blind dates when I was younger (not through pof but something similar) and the worst one was one where he said he was 24 and he was clearly 54 (at least) with hair coming out of every hole except on his head... I'm not looks-mad believe me but there has to be SOME attraction.. I spent the whole date feeling very uncomfortable, like I was on a date with my dad and I lasted an hour before I got my mum to ring me (via discreet text in loo asking her to ring in half an hour) and cue "Oh no, I better come quickly... I'm coming right now"... and then (to him) "oh I'm SO sorry, I have to go.... " ... Always have a get out clause!!!

I think you have to have a sense of humour about these things. It's just meeting new people after all isn't it.

I am speaking from experience, having sex too quickly can be a killer to a possible relationship. .

Sponge has said that the ones she didn't have sex with that still didn't get to a second date was because there wasn't a spark, which is how it should be. You wouldn't want to have sex or a second date with them.

The one or two (Sorry Sponge I don't know how often it's happened) that she did might have gone further because there clearly was a spark. I feel bad discussing Sponge in this way btw .

I think sex is a little overrated anyway.

For the first year you can't wait to tear each others clothes off.

Then you're taking them off and debating whether to sleep or shag.

Then you discuss the housework / kids / who's had the last biscuit and then still have sex if you're both not too knackered from life in general.

I think there needs to be a lot more than an initial sexual attraction there to form a lasting relationship... Not saying I don't fancy the pants of my dh - I do - but I would never have sex too early in a relationship as I'd feel that I was setting the foundations the wrong way up if that makes sense.

I block most of the men who message me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being selective. In dating the men I have, I've already whittled out the weirdos, obvious perves, nutters, ones who literally can't string 2 words together, etc. I think I am only dating the best of the 'pot' available on my particular site. I do think perhaps the reality is that what I'm looking for is just not in that pot.

To try and clarify, I'm not upset per se at not getting second dates from men I have slept with. My view is if a date goes well (whether or not it ends in sex), I'd expect that he would want to see me again. So either none of them have and my radar as to what constitutes a good date is way off (I don't think this is the case) OR they really were just only after a one-off, and either got it and moved or, or didn't get it and moved on to someone 'easier'.

MaleLurker - what you say is interesting, but I'm not prepared to make some big thing about my kids and family life in my profile. Hence why there are no photos of my DC on there. I don't define myself as a mother, I am not a motherly type (I worked in one job for 2 years before people realised I even had children!). I'm certainly not looking for anyone to be a father to my children and unless it progressed into a very serious relationship they would never meet anyway.

loonybun you most definitely have to have a sense of humour, and a lot of patience! You sound to have your hands full with your mum . I don't reply to a 'Hi' either, I mean, what can you do with that!

I think coffee dates are they way to go for initial meet ups. No new outfit required and you are free to leave once the cup is empty. Cake can be ordered if the date is going well

adams not having sex too quickly obviously hasn't worked either has it? Or you wouldn't be on the dating thread It's obvious there is no right and wrong. What doesn't work for some does work for others.

Sorry, but I think it's a very old fashioned view about with holding sex to get a 'good' man

If you feel like having sex, have it. If the man doesn't call after, then he isn't the sort of person worth knowing. An arsehole will be an arshole no matter what you do

I've never had a relationship where sex has featured in the first 24 hours of meeting. I personally like to know we are sexually compatible or not. The last person I dated for more than 2 dates, had a tiny willy. Now, I know that makes me sound like a bitch but I knew I couldn't carry on with him as our sexlife (on my part) wouldn't be satisfying. I could have waited a month or two but outcome would have been the same

IF a man wants to see you again, he will see you again. If you aren't his cup of tea, he won't. That is all it boils down to

"I've never had a relationship where sex hasn't featured in the first 24 hours of meeting

loonybun again, I totally agree! In fact I would go so far as to say relationships are overrated

Sponge I agree that you shouldn't be highlighting your children on your profile. For one thing there are men that frequent dating sites specifically looking for women with children. I would only mention children to a man I had intentions of starting a relationship with. It's nothing to do with other random men.

MrsC. And I agree with you totally!

I wouldn't be that fussed about having sex/not having sex except that sometimes, amazing sexual attraction does rather cloud the fact you are not compatible in other ways. You can end up falling into seeing people who there is no prospect of a long-term relationship with because you have chemistry. Chemistry is necessary but not sufficient.

Secondly, if it matters to you whether the person wants to see you longer-term, not having sex on the first night is one way of sorting out if they only want sex. If sex is off the cards, and they are uninterested in pursing a second date, you have your answer.

Thirdly, I think you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I stopped having casual sex when starting to really date seriously (e.g. two dates in a week) unless you don't mind having overlapping partners. I do.

What I'm saying is, it's not all about luring guys in by witholding sex. That's patently very easy. Not having sex on the first date (s) allows you more thinking time, and for you to find out more about them, and start to look for someone with other qualities than just being hot. I don't think these are always apparent though 'chemisty' (which is, let's face it, just a chemical reaction and can lead you into entirely unsuitable decisions).

Hate sponge, just read your profile, and I loved it. You look and sound nice, fun, and feminine. If I was a man, I'd ask you out!

I think there are some misconceptions about sex on the first date. Men and women think differently. I'd say that most men expect to have to work a bit harder to get a woman into bed - I think if you have sex within hours of meeting a man it says a lot about your self esteem. A man will wait if he likes you not just what;s in your knickers. - and you should make him wait. How else can you know if he is just after a quick shag?

Sex does change something between 2 people. You can't go back once it's happened. Not really. If you just tear your clothes off within hours of meeting a guy on the web, you might be giving in to your basic instincts- but then what happens next? If the sex was crap- which first sex often is- do they come back for more? Do you- or they- try to discover your personality, or do they dump you on the basis of a mediochre shag- and the same the otehr way round?

Call me old fashioned but I simply could not imagine getting my kit off for an almost stranger on a first date- I'd feel too vulnerable if I liked him a lot. too much at stake to cock it all up with a first time shag.