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Original poster

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:41

trust me I know watch and she isn't boring at all. She's a lot more interesting than me in fact (as I have no interests!)

I think the problem (if it is one) is that we are both attractive women who are fairly confident, honest and open, and men assume from that we are up for sex. which sometimes we may be, but it's not all we're about!

OP posts:
FreakoidOrganisoid · 07/05/2012 20:42

Sponge I dunno, I've had phases where I've only met men who want sex and I don't know why. I don't think I do anything different during those times.

All I can say is that I 'know' you from the dating threads, and I don't think your POF profile sounds anything like the you that posts on here. But again, it's not necessarily the profile, or anything you're doing, it could just be one of those unexplained phases.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 20:45

Lol, hell no :) its currently hidden anyway..

But its very very different to sponges, yet produces the same result.

Maybe Thats indicitive of the site though.

However, having also been on paid sites, pretty much all the men on there are on the free ones too.

I think its more to do with online dating and the sweetshop meantality.

And my Profile really isn't boring. Lol I have a full, exciting,random and interesting life, and it reflects that.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 20:47

sponge- I think you ought to take on board what most of us have said.

I am feisty, confident , intelligent and have a good career.

men never simply wanted just sex.

Men are very simple, visual creatures. How you look says more to them than anything- but your profile is not flattering in any sense and simply makes you look like a good-time girl.

I am tempted to show my DH your pics but his reaction will be so predictable that it's not worth the effort- he'd say "She looks like a nice girl" Which is men speak for "Fun and easy".

Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2012 20:48

That's what I was trying to get at hatesponge, in some ways, the fact you are an attractive lady is the least distinctive thing about you, so why lead with that? That's an added bonus, but really you want to find someone who also wants a partner who is ambitious, loves to discuss things, has similar values. I don't think PoF is necessarily that site, and I don't think a profile which features how lovely looking you are (however true) necessarily filters out the required people.

In other words, I don't think you can change the fact that if you are an attractive person, when you turn up men will want to shag you (this is typical of internet dating). However, you don't seem to be getting any of the other men either, the ones who will find you attractive and will want to call, see if there's a future, looking to settle down. You can't rule out the first ones, because lots of men will have sex if presented with the option (although you can not have sex with them), even if they are not serious, but you can increase the quality of the more serious and nicer ones who are seeking a relationship.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 20:51

The thing is, even if you change the Profile, the pool of men are still.the same.

Sponge has already said she.doesn't paticullary find any of them attractive. So she will be only trying to be more attractive to the same pool of men. Thus producing the same results.

My dear sponge, I do believe I Have solved it!!!

Try match affinity, I think thst.might work.for you :) maybe better men.... Worth a try?

Or my single friend?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:53

Re what sort of man do I want to attract? Ideally one very much like my last Ex - he was intelligent but not educated (if that makes sense, left school at 16 but taught himself a lot of things), kind, generous, thoughtful, not afraid of showing emotion, intuitive. Good at practical things, but of a man's man but also romantic (used to write me poems).

I have taken on board what's been said and amended the wording and my pictures. Put up one from last year which shows no flesh as my profile pic. It might make a difference, it might not. I know when I first put a profile up and it was very simple, only one pic, said what I liked, what I hoped to find in someone etc I didnt get any messages (or replies to messages) at all.

Possibly as watch says it is the site itself. However I am rather stuck with POF because I cant afford a paying site.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/05/2012 20:54

The name really has to change - can't you see that?

POF is downmarket and you don't say anything to suggest you're in a different league. It's all very well being open as to whom you meet, but surely you want someone with similar values?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 20:56

Watch my BF wrote something for me for mysinglefriend, but we never got round to putting it on. She is convinced it is the site for me, and will probably pay for my sub as a birthday present if I ask! Mind you she is the friend who also said I need to move to Liverpool to find a decent man Grin

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2012 20:57

hatesponge, I don't believe you can't afford a paying site or a professional agency, if you are paying out to go on these dates anyway. Think of it as an investment, spending a few hundred or even more to meet a more select pool of men, or look on sites where it's cheaper to browse like Soulmates.

I'm sorry, PoD is well known for attracting men and women after 'fun', you may get lucky and find a keeper but I very much doubt it.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 21:04

But lots of those on paid sites are also on the free ones too..because you would want to maxamise your chances, yes?

Also, paying a subscripion of say £15 or so a month and maybe not getting any dates is quite soul dystroying.... Which you might not understand if you haveht been there yourself.
Coupled with the fact that you are actually having to pay, just for the prospect of a date....

RumbleGreen · 07/05/2012 21:09

You mentioned in one of your posts that you have children do you ever mention them on dates?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 21:09

Watch, you're right. I'd forgotten how it feels on paid sites. When I was on Match I went on a few dates with totally unattractive men just because that was the only interest I got and I felt I was wasting my money otherwise!

And actually dates cost very little - I meet them in the pub in my town (I walk there) A round or two of drinks, £5-10 at most.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/05/2012 21:12

wow.Things have moved on since I was last on here.Not sure I can add much.
Good luck .FWIW, I think you need to very carefully try and match your pictures and profile to who you want to attract, if you see what I mean.
It is almost like your pictures are saying a, your profile says b, your job says c, and you want d.

Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2012 21:13

watchout I do know how much it costs, better spend £15 and have one less date but with a nicer type of person, I also know people who have paid out thousands in agency fees and are now happily married.

It's not about the money, it's about accessing a wider pool including more men who actually want relationships. Unless you are very very poor (in which case you would be too poor to go on the dates once a week or whatever), it seems to me this is something worth investing in, better wear the same outfit to five dates with a better quality of man than different ones for the same guys who just want some 'fun'.

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/05/2012 21:16

Where you have ticked 'dating' I would tick relationship if I were you. Your username also makes you sound like a dominatrix.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 21:19

Mumsy, yes but 90% of.the ones on.paid sites are also on the free ones too..
Absolute fact......

5 pounds a date for coffee is fine, 15 pounds subscription with no better result feels terrible..

And poor people are also allowed to date you know... And not only ' nice' men are wealthy.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 21:28

Im wondering why you don't want an educated man, seeing as you are educated yourself?

Original poster
hatesponge · 07/05/2012 21:39

It's not that I actively don't want an educated man, but intelligence is more important to me than formal education. I have friends who would only date graduates, that's not me at all.

OP posts:
nkf · 07/05/2012 21:51

From what I've heard about PoF, nobody will get the Keats reference and they will think you are a dominatrix. That plus the dark make up and the sultry look - you're making a bad judgement call if you want to filter out the shaggers.

You are pretty and you sound good humoured and clever but that's not what is coming over on your profile.

sandyboots · 07/05/2012 21:59

also it sounds like 'belle de jour' a little Smile

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 22:09

Oh this is mad- if you are really a lawyer are you saying that you can't afford, or rather are unwilling to invest £15 a month? I thought Match was about £60 for 6 months with another 6 months free if no success?

Some up market sites like Drawing down the Moon cost a few grand a year.

If you don't want to spend anything, get out and volunteer for something, join the Ramblers etc- but you have to invest either time or money or both to have any hope of making new friends.

And that;s something else- don't any men you meet appeal as friends? Sometimes you make a friend who has friends etc etc. it doesn't all have to be about a relationship. Some dates evolve into friendships which can lead to other thigns.

Mrssamcam · 07/05/2012 22:14

watch you come over as very negative- is this reflected in your profile?

£15 a month is nothing. It's £3 + a week. Cost of a coffee and a small cake- maybe.

The chances are you might meet no one but on the other hand you might.

Over a year it would be around £180. That doesn't sound much to me,

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 22:22

Mrs cam. I'm the least negative person going. Possibly too happy and upbeat all of the Time ( said to me by many many people over the years)

But I do think you are all being overly harsh on sponge. Yes she could Change her pics and Profile but she knows like I do its unlikey to produce different results, because over the years she's had all kinds of profiles and pictures and all kinds of dates with all kinds of men. And she's still seeing the same pattern of behavior with men. It's not negative, that's a factual comment.

watchoutforthatsnail · 07/05/2012 22:25

£15 is a lot though, if your a single parent and you aren't getting the joy of coffee and cake in return :)

Time is also in.short supply, again.due.to.the full time working single parent status.

Again, not negative, but the facts of the situation.