How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

But OnlineDatingQueen, there are also those relationships/marriages that started as a ONS, there are many on MN. Surely it's not so black and white, what works for some might not work for others, and visa versa.

FGS Watch, I'm not threatening anything. It's not about of any the stuff Time is on about, but you would come on the thread really down after a ONS, not understanding what you have done wrong. I felt sorry for you and gave the advice I would have to my 26 year old self. Meet them for a coffee, don't offer sex before you met, your worth more. Sorry if I upset you.

There may well be Time and I do say on the other thread that I have read about cases where this has happened with OD BUT... and it's a big but ... I think unfortunately there is a key difference. If a guy meets a girl out and about and they hit it off, head off together he is usually so happy / grateful to have met such a great girl in his local / fav club etc that he is happy to keep seeing her.

I think OD is different because some guys get 'sweet shop syndrome' ie "She's nice and we shagged - wow! And she's only the third girl I messaged! Who else is out there on the site just waiting for me?!" It's the sheer number of women - think some guys get a bit greedy, start thinking the grass is always greener :o And the only way to reliably spot those guys is to hold fire for a while. If they only want a shag they soon opt out and find easier targets.

Yes, online dating queen, and your advice on that thread is spot on and sound.
But
What if you are already doing that, and have been for years, with still no sucess?
I certainly don't sleep with every date I go on. And I do have a lot of dates.... But I still haveht Got anywhere.... But then again marriage isn't my goal. Point being, you can be doing all the right things but getting no results. Which is why sponge posted I think.

I totally believe in making things happen and making your own opportunitys, but you can't force what isn't there.

And yes, I broke a sink shagging :) how depraved of me.

Adams, the only Time that has happened was this year, because he made a second date and then vanished before the third. He was chasing me, sending me valentines, begged me to date him when I wasn't that interested....
Then vanished. That's confusing by anyone's standards. And I was upset, not because of the sex, I don't regret that at all, what I do regret is taking him at face value. That's totally different.

It's too much like hard work this dating lark

All this for a bloke!

Watch breaking an item shagging is just one of those bucket list things that has to be done :o

Can I make one observation? You say you haven't 'got anywhere - but marriage isn't your goal'. What is your goal then? Why do you keep doing it? I'm not being a dick asking this but I think it really is important to have a 'focus' when you're OD. I first tried it in late twenties but then it was for a laugh / to meet some people / see what happened. The approach I took and guys I met were TOTALLY different when I tried again in early thirties and realised I wanted to meet 'my person'. The guys I found so fascinating in my twenties (especially the 'complicated' emotional fuckwits) were ruthlessly eliminated in my thirties. In fact, I had learned the signs and avoided even going on dates if I had sussed them from emails.

Point is, knowing what you're looking for helps you find it, if that makes sense.

Good luck with it if you're still doing it - I know it can get really bloody wearing after a while :) x

Ditto the 'full on chasers' - they are the worst headwreckers generally, or else they have no life and want you to 'save' them.

I thought it was getting you really down, that's how I read it. It would and it did me but a long time ago, not always though, but when it kept happening. I thought I was just giving motherly advice, not making you feel worse .

Anyway onwards and upwards, don't forget the last guy wanted to see you again and you didn't like him .

I'm divorced. Incidentally from a marriage that started as a ons :)

I don't even want to live with someone. Marriage isn't everyones goal, but that.doesn't mean I don't know.what I want. Essentially just a long term relationship, spending Time together, mutually exclusive, doing stuff ( I have a rather active life) someone to laugh with..

I do not want to give up the whole bed, live in each others pockets nor do his washing :)

The ones that come on strong are to be avoided, yes. I cancelled on this guy about five Times, he was desperate to meet me and always talked me into re arranging..we met, he was nice, had a fab time..... I think it was all about the Chase.... But it is hurtful when they lie....
Id far rather be honest, shag and go ons than someone attempt to pull the wool over my eyes.
Which I think is why sponge posted too, because some idiot man had been pretending he wanted something he didn't.
Pitfuls of dating really, but there does seem to be a high percentage of men like that.

There's one hell of a lot of confused thinking coming into this thread now.

eg
But then again marriage isn't my goal. Point being, you can be doing all the right things but getting no results. Which is why sponge posted I think.

Sponge was doing all the wrong things- wrong pics and wrong words in profile.

if you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results.

That's a given.

So if you want a different outcome, change your behaviour.

Adams, it wasn't really getting me down snd I did tell you that but you don't listen. Because I slept with what, 4 out of 26 or so dates last year, you labelled me a ' shagger' and judged and made sarky comments all year.

I was pissed off I'd been played for a fool and had believed him as my twat radar is quite reliable, but I'm not infaliable and he slipped the net.

In your opinion sponge was doing all the wrong things Mrssamcam. As she hasn't yet had any success with the new profile it's impossible to say whether the previous profile was responsible for her lack of success in finding a man who doesn't just want sex. Time will tell on that one.

My new profile - which seems to be generally accepted to be an improvement on it's predecessor - has attracted no responses since the one-worders last night.

Not a hi, a hello how are you, or even a full sentence. Nada.

So whilst it may mean I don't get messaged by men whose agenda is one-off sex, getting no messages at all isn't going to get me anywhere either!

I said you were a 'shagger' really, flipping heck I must have been drunk can you link. PM me the post.

I have experience of ONS in the past (damn now I'll have to hide this, DD reads about Dr Who and stuff on here) and a few internet dates and meeting via the internet is different ime, so I wouldn't recommend having 1st date sex to anyone.

Mrssam, have you actually done online dating? Other than write your brothers Profile?

If not, I'm afraid to say your argument holds no weight.

And sponge was only doing what you thought wrong, but then again you suggested a polo neck and no make up, which would be Totally wrong for sponge.

It is wrong to say that women have to look and act q certain way, and only those that do win at dating. People come in all different shapes and sizes with different likes and dislikes and it is not up to you to judge what is worthy behaviour and what isn't.

Give it a week.See how it goes.I havent seen your latest profile, but the other one wasnt working for you anyway.
I can see that you are a woman that works at a fast pace.Most people operate a bit slower.

My opinion is still the same, the OP's profile won't change much as she's fishing in the wrong pool. Secondly, she may also need to widen her own criterion (get over the rough diamond thing and look for men who will appreciate both her intellect and her ability to party).

I don't believe it's all about changing her profile, but I do agree with MrsSamCam that if nothing changes whatsoever, the OP will keep catching duff ones.

Finally, I don't agree it's all luck. It's about knowing exactly what you want, and really excluding sites and people who are just extra noise (there's millions of singles in London so you can afford to be fussy). I know soomeone who wanted to meet a man who worked in the City (her thing), career oriented (as she was), wanted a high quality lifestyle (to match her own). She found him in four dates. Quite easy.

Sponge, can you send out a few messages and see if the new profile gets any responses, if not then go back to the old one

As for sarky comments, I give as good as I get, I had it from two of you, don't forget.

I thought you had flounced adams?

You are really annoying me with the constant digs. You have a very underhand way of 'giving advice'. You are not a victim, you say you give as good as you get, so don't claim to be!

I'll leave it up to the end of the week and see what happens.

I would send messages myself, but after the most recent attempt (one reply out of 10, and he turned out to be a bit thick) I'm not sure it pays any real dividends. Plus I'd have to find men worth messaging!

hatesponge I take it you actually send messages to guys? Rather than just sitting back and waiting? Because that is a one-way train to nowhere! :)

Are you just on POF Sponge or the other sites too? Just wondered what response you get/got from others.

Cross-posted!!! No no no no noooooooooo! I would not have met DH without messaging him!

I was on Match and they have a thing, "Who looked at my profile?" I clicked on it and he appeared there. Loved his profile when I read it but he lived outside my search zone (which put him off messaging). So I sent a cheeky message saying something like, "You looked but didn't bite - whyso? :o" and sent it off. He replied the next day and said "Your profile is lovely but I saw I was outside your search zone and didn't think you would be interested."

It FRIGHTENS me that if I hadn't sent that message I would not be married to him today!!! Because he's AWESOME!!!

They have that facility on POF too ODQ, it's like a crimewatch convention most days, full of ugly mugshots! Men do actually like to receive a message, I read that on the POF forum

I think we need to find a new dating site sponge