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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

473 replies

hatesponge · 07/05/2012 13:47

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

OP posts:
adamschic · 08/05/2012 14:44

Time, I'm just giving abit of advice which is what I thought this forum was for. I'm straightalking some of the time I do admit. We cannot agree with everyone. Some people do get upset when dates go wrong and wonder why, so to say it's best not to sleep with someone you've met online straight away is hardly judgemental. I've learnt a lot of lessons in the past and made mistakes.

And yes, it did feel like a personal attack, implying I wasn't dating but just having sex with the one I'm seeing which is totally incorrect.

hatesponge · 08/05/2012 14:49

Freakoid, yes I do have some ideas on what I want and don't want. The don't wants I usually filter out either from an inital message or quickly thereafter. The do wants is more difficult, because it depends on whether a man with those particular characteristics or attributes is on that site, in my area, and either messages me or (if I find him) replies to my message. Chances of that are fairly slim, it is all so chance-y. Hence I try not to be too specific!

Mumsy, I'll bear that in mind :)

Empire, I don't generally discuss my children at work. I am there to do a job. At the time I was in an environment where being a working mother was not a position of strength. I didn't keep it a secret, but I didn't actively tell people either. I don't have photos on my desk, or paintings on my office wall. I'm not saying no-one at all knew, but a fair few people didn't.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 14:51

You are judgemental though adams. There is a huge difference between being straight talking and being judgemental. Some of your posts have seemed like a personal attack and I know them to have caused hurt. I'm not talking about this thread. And then you take a victim status slant, implying that you are 'hated', which isn't very attractive and nor is it true.

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 14:56

Also adams I didn't imply anything. I asked if a FWB was regarded as dating because believe it or not, I genuinely do not know, I have never had experience of such. And I thought I had made myself clear in my posts?

adamschic · 08/05/2012 15:02

I know what you are meaning. But it's not being judgemental to say don't have sex with strangers if you are a vulnerable person. It's giving sound advice.

I cannot win with you so I won't engage with you anymore.

adamschic · 08/05/2012 15:03

Oh please, it was obvious what you meant.

I'm out of here.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 08/05/2012 15:12

Yeah sponge that is the problem, I didn't think I would meet anyone that met such specific criteria (my list included things such as penis size and manly forearms Blush Blush), especially as I hadn't met anyone that even came close for a while and was reluctant to limit the pool further...but so far (only 5 months in so v early days) my bf does seem to tick all the boxes. I think it just helped me see what I would and wouldn't compromise on and I was lucky that one who did match up came along. Although you may recall I didn't fancy him for a few dates, just thought he was really nice and enjoyed spending time with him then one day I suddenly couldn't wait to rip his clothes off Grin

Mrssamcam · 08/05/2012 15:22

But Sponge the problem with that strategy- being sex starved so jumping on the next willing man when you want sex- is that it does potentially bugger up a potential relationship.

I've known loads of people who have gone for years without sex. Nothing terrible is going to happen- get a rabbit if it all gets too much!

I think I'd rather be frustrated than jump on a guy out of frustration, because then that is just doing what everyone here criticises- using someone for a shag.

hatesponge · 08/05/2012 15:44

mrssamcam - you assume that date would have become a relationship though? realistically given my first date history, chances are the next guy I meet won't want to see me again, or the one after that, and so on, however little happens between us. If I sleep with him, I'm not ruining anything UNLESS there was something there to ruin - which my experience suggests is going to be unlikely.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 15:53

adams bottom line is, if you can't take 'straight talking' then don't give it!

End of discussion!

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 15:53

eh?

MsCellophane · 08/05/2012 15:59

What people are failing to grasp - if you have sex early or later, an arsehole will still be an arsehole

I've never had awful sex on a first date, mainly as I am a sexually confident woman - and reading what Sponge says, so is she. Many men will come back just because we are confident sexually

The problem getting a second date - IMO is the fact that internet dating is like cold calling. We meet people from a picture, a few words and a few texts. We have no idea what sort of person they are. We have all met people who where great on paper but left us cold in person

Sponge wants to know how to change that, I think the only option is to keep meeting lots of potentials

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 16:09

I don't see the problem, if you want sex with a man, whether you have just met him or not, then have sex. Just go into it with a positive mind set, enjoy it for what it is and then if nothing comes of it you aren't upset. Hopefully Grin

watchoutforthatsnail · 08/05/2012 16:31

wow. im sorry, but im seriously shocked at the 1950's attitudes on here, its almost as if womens lib never happened.

For a start there is nothing wrong with wanting sex. A rabbit or any other sex toy does in no way replace another warm, human being, interactive body. And a healthy, active woman has needs. those needs are not wrong, as without them there wold be no desire to reproduce. To go so long being ' sex straved' is actually very very difficult so i dont think any one can be blamed for occassionally jumping into bed with somone from the off.

I agree with mrs cello, a lot of posters are failing to grap the fact that an arse hole is an arsehole. You can date someone and they run after sex, weather you hold out till date 15, date 5 or the first night, if thats all they want, then that is all they want and the is bugger all you can do about it. You cannot make somone fall in love with you by with holding sex and to suggest you with hold if to get his attention is also wrong, if we follow this train of thought, perhaps we should be droping our hankies and blushing if a man catches our eye.

Internet dating is a numbers game. Most people dont read the profile in any case, as sponge proved up thread whwere she changed it and within mins got the same, if not worse reponise from the same kind of men. No amout of fancy hair dos and polo neck jumpers will change this and in fact would attract a man so boring i would expect sponhe would rather watch paint dry.

So - she slikes to party, and likes shoes, but she also has a rockin job and is clever as hell. these are not mutually exclusive traits and to suggest she can be one or the other, or should only date one or the other type is absurd.

And to those women that ripped her to shreds, calling her a slapper, you shold be ashmed of yourselfs. There was a rel person posting, a real person who was fed up of dickheads treating her craply. esp so when she had made it clear no sex was on offer, yet you all blamed her and told her it was her own fault for ' looking cheap' way to go, esp with the ched awareness.

adams - you ARE judgemental. you are ' dating' an emotionally unavaliable man who you only dumped a few weeks ago because he treats you so badly. These were your words and you know he wont committ to you and you want him too. Essentially you are trading your happiness to be with someone who wont even officially date you and is using you for sex and taking you out to dinner.... Im afraid a one night stand where both parties are on even footing is less hurtful and self esteme damaging that what you are currently doing. but, like you, im not being judgemental... each to their own [ confused]

to the posters that say she should mention her children. wow, shocking again! im sure she has listed she has children on the tick boxes, but being a mother does not define her, nor shape her personality. and yes, while it may come up in conversation is not something any o ne wold recommed to blater on about in her profile. and im also horriffied someone suggest she should change jobs becuse its ' too intimidating' to men.

If you trawl through this board there are 100's posts about how crap online dating is, and how bad the odds are, occassionaly there is a sucess story. That give people hope it may one day happen for them. The people that stike it lucky automaticalyl assume they are gru's on the subject and lecture those about how rubbish they are and how they are all knowing. Well, im afraid that is a ton of crap. Its just luck, meeting the right person, at the right time. Its not down to polo neck jumpers or not liking towie or living like mary whitehouse until a knight in shining armour comes to your rescue and whatever you do, dont show the knight any clevage, he cant be trusted

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 16:34

Ahhh! So I was right about the FWB then? Thank you for clarifying watch. And a great post too!! Spot on!! Smile

ike1 · 08/05/2012 16:39

All Sponge has done is ask Mumsnetters for a bit of advice and she has received some. From what I have observed she has treated the advice sensibly...she doesnt need the cavalry to defend her, she is obviously well able to speak her own mind.

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 16:44

So have you been voted sponges official spokesperson then ike1* Hmm

Sponge has been torn to bits on this thread. She asked for opinions as to why she doesn't get second dates. She has been told it's because of her profile, her dress sense, her make up, her attitude, the fact she sleeps with men on a first date, and the list goes on! And that is from the sisterhood!

And i'm not defending sponge, I'm expressing my own opinion of the 'advice' given on this thread.

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2012 16:48

No she asked 'how do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?'

The Op asked how she could move on from the meet a guy, possibly has sex, no second date ever scenario.

I think the advice was pretty good, but if the OP wants to just have sex, why would she have posted?

watchoutforthatsnail · 08/05/2012 16:58

she hasnt said she just wants sex. she wants to meet men who want more.

She had a date yesterday. when it was made clear by her there would be no sex on the agenda, he dumped her without even meeting her.

Whatever might have happened on that date would have been inrellevant as its clear from that he was only after sex.

This man was a ' decent man' who had chatted, called, texted sponge for a few weeks. By all accounts he was nice, and interested and making all the right moves. But then he turned out to be a knobber. Say sponge did meet him, they wouldhave had the date, she didnt sleep with him, beliveing that to be the ' right' way to deal with it. and then she never hears from him again, and is left wondering why.

Sponge doesnt need to be defended, but the attitudes on this thread are appalling and so stuck in some kind of time warp. Especially with the ched ' we belive you' campagne.

Wearing make up, or attacking a fellow woman for wearing make up and all those things that happene don this board including calling her ' cheap looking' is frankly discusting. You wouldnt say that to someones face, where are you manners?

VenusStarr · 08/05/2012 17:13

I haven't had chance to read all of this thread (am on page 5) but it has been very enlightening. In particular the poster who commented that her male friend 'assessed' her for want of a better phrase! Apologies I have forgotten your name, but you are very similar to me....aloof, a bit harsh etc etc. sorry for the hijack but I'm finding the responses very helpful and a bit of an eye opener for me. OP I hope you have also found it useful, I'll try to get to the end of the thread tomo :)

adamschic · 08/05/2012 18:24

Watch, you do make me laugh. Being taken me out, weekends away (paying for myself, well for the next one) going out with family, ringing me everyday since I kicked off a little. We've know each other and long time and he has said he will always be there for me but not marriage material, alas! Gawd what a bastard eh!! Lol. I'm not trading my happiness but am very happy with the arrangement for now.

Imagine what I could drag up but I never would, it wouldn't be fair and not the done thing on mumsnet. You also shouldn't hold a grudge just cos someone actually gave their opinion on your thread. I really hope you meet someone nice, soon, you deserve it and I do mean this, not trying to patronise. Good luck with it.

Good luck to you too Sponge. Some great advice on here and I didn't read your profile but I'm sure you looked lovely in the pictures.

adamschic · 08/05/2012 18:27

Excuse typos Blush

watchoutforthatsnail · 08/05/2012 18:31

Adams, you can drag up what you like, I have never done anything I'm ashamed off. What are you threatening me with? Telling people I've had casual sex on a date??? God how awful of me.......
( and nothing you haveht done yourself)

OnlineDatingQueen · 08/05/2012 18:32

Watch I'm quoting you here:
"The people that stike it lucky automaticalyl assume they are gru's on the subject and lecture those about how rubbish they are and how they are all knowing. Well, im afraid that is a ton of crap. Its just luck, meeting the right person, at the right time."

Sorry but this is bollocks. I know a good few people who have tried online dating and only 4 of us who have found true love. It was not down to blind luck - I don't believe in 'pure luck', I believe in making my own luck. The people who didn't find love made one of the blunders I list on my other thread, usually having sex too soon, judging guys on stupid stuff like clothes or giving up too soon because it wasn't great fun on every single date. I did some of those things myself when I first did OD a few years before, so I speak from bitter experience. When you're serious about meeting someone you need a different approach. I can feasibly imagine that it could take DOZENS of dates to find someone but especially in big cities there are so many available guys that there should be no problem.

I understand how people get pissed off about the sex thing for women but it is an inescapable fact that most great guys (ie the settling down type) do NOT want to meet the kind of girl who has sex on a first date. This is especially true with OD where a guy will think, "How many dates has this girl been on? And if she's shagging me on a first date, how many guys have been there before me?!" Yes, it is distasteful that men can be this judgemental - but that's the way it is. If you're looking for a bit of fun, by all means people should go for it, but if you want marriage and kids you have to be honest to yourself about what you're looking for.

It's not fair - but then life isn't fair. And saying that it's all down to luck is a cop out. There are lots of things in life that I've done when people said, "Oh you're so lucky!" And I thought, "No I'm fucking not! I MADE this happen. Luck was on my side but without MY ACTIONS it would not have happened."

I haven't read the whole thread but I would certainly agree that condemning the OP for asking advice is awful, if people were horrible about personal stuff. They may have been trying to be helpful.

TimeForMeAndDD · 08/05/2012 18:32

Don't forget you broke a sink watch! Shock Grin

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