How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

You could have crap first time sex on the 5th or the 25th date Mrssamcam and still be dumped or not want to take things further yourself. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. I think in the case of sex and dating it's each to their own.

But that is different isn't it? If you have crap sex on the 5th date - or after 5 years!- at least you have a little history and know each other. What I am saying is that there are men who use dating sites just for easy sex. So do women I assume. But if you want a relationship, it makes sense to hang back a little so you can see if they just want sex or not. men will not persevere if there is something easier on offer if all they want is sex. If you just want sex yourself, by all means go ahead. I'm sorry I know this sounds a bit old fashioned, but I still believe that although men won't turn down sex if it's offered to t hem on a plate very early on, double standards do exist- like it or not. If both people have made it clear in their profiles that theyj ust want to "hang out" or want NSR fine- but if you don't want that then hanging back a bit is a better move.

Time, cheeky!! As you well know I am dating someone regularly, just not internet dating other people atm. Tbh I don't know why I post on it, bad habit I suppose .

Yes, I get you. But like MrsC said above, she like to know that there is a sexual compatibility so sex early on in proceedings sorts that particular matter out before any emotional attachment has been made. Which makes sense if you think about it. No point dating someone, falling for them, then finding out a couple of months later that he just doesn't do it for you in bed. No amount of history between you can solve some sexual issues. But I do understand what you are saying and I don't think it's old fashioned. This dating lark is very complex. I do not remember it being so difficult when I was in my teens!

I agree, it's all about having a connection and it's just not that easy to find. Even when you find it it's not guaranteed that you will both be wanting the whole living together, marriage or that it will last if you do.

Cheeky but true! You are addicted to the humour on our thread adams, admit it

Are you dating? I didn't know, I thought it was a FWB thing? Is that dating? Genuine question. I am honestly intrigued as to how the FWB thing works, it does cause me confusion. Maybe that's something I should ask on the other thread.

I don't want marriage or living together but I do want a connection, a connection of minds not just of intimate parts. Although that would be nice too of course. Hopefully!

Time, sorry I thought you knew, it's the same one I've been seeing for a few months who I've known for a while before this, it's more regular now. We had a break but are back on.

Ahhh! I think I know the one you mean.

I get what you are saying sponge, I pretty sure that when I am dating I am not looking to be a father to someone else's kids. I am also not after the "motherly" type.

I do think though that you need to make clear when dating online how it affects your availability. If you are dating someone and they are only available one night a week during your "honeymoon" period, or having to change plans at short notice because of their children, you might get annoyed if you had assumed your priorities were different.

I have dated people with, and people without children, and it makes a dramatic difference even if you never meet the children.

It seems like you are still attracting the guys that want to party and have fun, when what you need is the guys that are more patient and understand that adults have responsibilities.

Good luck online.

I have had crap sex and very good sex on a first date. I have had better (and much worse) sex after having waited several dates. With one particular bf, the sex was so bad (and I waited a good couple of months) that I really wished we'd done it sooner when I was less attached to him!

The thing is it's all very well not having sex on a first date. In 4 years I have done this a grand total of three times so it's far from a regular thing. But do bear in mind that I have dated a fair few other men in that time who I haven't slept with, HAVE felt a spark with, and have never seen again. Had it not been for those 3 instances of first date sex, I wouldn't have had sex at all in 4 years. Which for me would have been too long to wait.

Now you could say well maybe those 3 would have dated you if you hadn't had sex on the first date. It's possible, but I really think it's unlikely tbh. So if it's a choice between first date sex and no sex at all, I will periodically choose the former.

Yes, I agree with you there MaleLurker. I don't involve myself with men with profiles that state they 'are living the dream' and looking for someone to join them on their travels, blah, blah, blah, because I have a young daughter who is my priority. It's no good dating a guy who is at a different stage in his life, it just wouldn't work. I also wouldn't want to date someone who got annoyed if I had to change plans due to my daughter, if he assumed that he took priority over her then he wouldn't be the man for me.

very well said Sponge

Any response to your new and 'improved' profile yet?

MaleLurker, I see what you're saying, but I've never had a problem getting dates (well first dates anyway) with only being available at weekends - quite a few of the men I've had dates with also have children, so only being around at weekends doesn't faze them, they may be in the same boat. Some have lived a distance away, so preferred to meet up at weekends when they had more time/were not rushing to meet me etc. In fact whenever a date has been discussed and I've asked him to say when he's free, I can't think of a single occasion where a man has suggested anything other than fri eve, sat eve, or a weekend afternoon.

Time, aside from the 2 dimwits (and their one word messages) I mentioned last night, I have had no interest whatsoever.

Can't say I haven't tried but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear (in which analogy I should make it clear the men on the site are the sow's ear not me!)

of course!

Hey sponge

Personally I would never have sex on a first date again, or even 2nd or 3rd if I was looking for a relationship.

Let me explain, I'm not being funny or judgey or anything...

I have done before, many a time in fact but got the same lack of 2nd and 3rd dates. There's got to be something in it.

It's not 'witholding sex until he deserves it', or anything like that - and lordy lordy knows I am NO prude (you know all about my past FWB's and all that lot and in the past have specifically looked just for sex too) BUT it's putting in place the usual flirtation and getting to know someone process on what is still a short time frame.

If you meet someone say through work or at the pub, you talk, flirt, swap numbers, the attraction starts to happen, you might go for coffee, make excuses to be near them and give hints, go on a date... by the time you get to that date, you have done the equivalent of about 6 dates from meeting someone online, and you've got to know them. If you have sex on a first night of a RL date, chances are that above process has already happened. If you have sex on the first date of an internet date, all there is is the physical without the RL back up, proper flirtation, and having to wait, catching their attention, etc etc. Talking online to get to know someone just isn't the same. You could talk for months and not have a clue - too much is missing from the communication and flirtation process online. Way too much.

So I think waiting for a while is simply putting back what the internet situation takes away, and I reckon it's worth doing.

lubey, I know what you're saying. But I don't get 2nd or 3rd dates anyway. Every so often, after months/years of chaste 1st dates which go nowhere, I need something more. Like I said above, but for those 3 dates, I would have had an entirely barren 4 years, which to me is not an appealing prospect.

Mmm, that makes sense lubey. The trouble with talking online for an extended period of time is that you have already built up a picture in your head of what the person is like, it's so easy to think you actually know them before meeting them. As I found out on my first ever internet date disaster

Lubey, I totally agree with everything you have said. It's not about with-holding it but waiting until you both really feel comfortable doing it once a connection has been made.

People have given great advice on here but now everyone is ploughing in to defend their perogative to be a 'liberated sexual being', which is fine but not if you are looking for a guy who doesn't just want sex.

Also when I say this I get personally attacked for the state of my love life.

Almost 3 years barren here Sponge. Three years!! How time flies!

If you are referring to my comment adams that was not a personal attack I find your posts rather judgemental, and I'm not a 'liberated sexual being'. I would like to think I'm not old fashioned or whatever but I must be, because I know I couldn't sleep with someone on the first meet up. But I wouldn't dream of commenting or judging those who choose to do differently. It's each to their own.

Sponge, just wanted to say your latest profile reads a lot more like the you that comes across on here, it's a lot less brash than the old one iyswim.

Also, and this is a bit embarrassing, but have you written a list of what you want in a man? I know you say you'd rather judge a man on is own merit than against a checklist and I totally agree with that but a while ago there was a cosmic man ordering thread on here and I wrote a very specific list of what I wanted and it really helped me focus on what I did and didn't want. I totally forgot about the list but I found it the other day and my now bf matches everything I'd written. I don't believe in the cosmic ordering part of it for a second but I think the list did help me find a good one.

Can I make a suggestion then? Wait til you mean a man who is really really sexy but you know there's just no hope of any long-term relationship (different outlooks, not compatible time-frames etc) and have sex with that one.

Live off this memory whilst trying to meet someone both sexy and for a LTR.

I am nothing if not pragmatic!

OP you worked somewhere for two years and never told your colleagues you have children? Seriously?

Is it just me that thinks this is very rather strange?