Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

sex while asleep

734 replies

silver999 · 05/05/2012 22:18

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

OP posts:
Portofino · 10/05/2012 21:40

WB, if what you remember is true - then YOU too were raped. Maybe you could be a more sensitive . Avon, Puffin and everyone else who shared their story....I believe you and think you were very brave to share here amongst the fuck wits. I think there will be plenty of lurkers who will read this and be helped by what you have said. xxxx

RA88 · 10/05/2012 21:40
Sad
WorriedBetty · 10/05/2012 21:40

Sorry, GB, Your post wasn't wrong - I could be avoiding thinking of it as a negative situation because I suppose I will never know what he was thinking but I can't see any use in rethinking it now. That's all. I'm wary of people being questioned until they rewrite situations backwards because a friend of mine had a false memory situation happen in their family that took longer than three years to work through with counselling. It was awful.

That's all I'm going to say - I'm going to bed.

garlicbutty · 10/05/2012 21:43

Betty, I've just re-read you paragraph about being bullied. It's weird that your undesired interpretation says you were victimised for particular qualities that you had.

I don't know whether this is true - it probably isn't, as bullies just make up 'reasons' - but, in the current context, you seem to be implying that women who mind that they were raped see themselves as singled out; targeted; somehow deserving?

I assure you that we don't. We're not the weirdos. The rapists are.

garlicbutty · 10/05/2012 21:43

xpost and I'm going to catch up on the soaps.

babylann · 10/05/2012 21:56

Also reported WorriedBetty's posts.

CatitaInaHatita · 10/05/2012 22:19

False memory syndrome is something that has been linked to child abuse and not rape suffered by adolescents.

To mention it in the context of this thread appears to be an attempt to make the same insinuation that Jinx did: women can't be trusted. In this case because their memories aren't reliable or they have been unduly influenced by sopmeone elses' ideas (which implies they are not intelligent enough to make their own minds up about what happened).

I say bullshit. Even at 9 i was more than able to know i didn't want to be penetrated thank you very much, e ven if i didn't know what rape was. I remember everything about the multiple times I was assaulted in the subsdequent years.False memories i wish there were. But sadly not.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CailinDana · 10/05/2012 22:21

WorriedBetty I think I get what you're trying to say, but you're coming across very badly. I think what you're getting at is that at the time you didn't consider what happened to you to be rape, but looking back and knowing what you know now you might start to think it was rape. What I understand is that in your view looking back and "reinterpreting" what happened isn't helpful. I can see where you're coming from but I don't agree. Sometimes looking back and seeing what happened for what it really was can be incredibly healing. You clearly feel uneasy about what happened you, otherwise you wouldn't still remember it or bring it up on this thread. Yet you would rather hold it at arm's length and even try to convince others that they might be remembering things incorrectly rather than consider that yes, perhaps you were raped. I can understand that, but I don't think it's healthy and I certainly think questioning other people's memories is totally inappropriate.

CailinDana · 10/05/2012 22:21

Oh and forgot to say thank you for your kind comment AF :)

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 22:23

not a problem, cailin, it comes from the heart

raindropsinmyhair · 10/05/2012 22:53

I was talking to some women recently whom said they wake up with their husband having sex with them. They seem to think this is ok, although they said it could be 'mildy annoying', as was when their DH felt the need to grope them when asleep.

When I mentioned it to my husband (the husbands are his friends) his first response was that surely it was rape.

From their point of view (yet again) it seems to be the 'poor men who can't control their dicks' excuse. I remember reading a thread on here not too long ago where a poster 'advised' the OP, who didn't want her husband to grope her in bed, to wear full clothing to help prevent it from happening.

These men just can't take responsibility for their own penises, you know.

Hmm Confused Angry

garlicbutty · 10/05/2012 23:39

What I understand is that in your view looking back and "reinterpreting" what happened isn't helpful. I can see where you're coming from but I don't agree.

Cailin said what I was thinking, only more effectively :)

Actually, I reckon it's all right to frame your memories any way you find helpful. The risk attached to framing them too positively is that you may consequently normalise and accept worse treatment than you deserve. Also that you might feel impelled to reframe other people's experiences, thus belittling them.

I do think we know when we're doing this, and have been in many situations where I was scared to admit it to myself. Strangely, though, it turns out that shining the cold light of reality on one's past makes you stronger and more sure of yourself.

Another surprise outcome - for me; I don't know about everybody else - is that, once I've accurately labelled bad (abusive) behaviour, I'm more able to recognise good (decent) behaviour. I'm not having to organise my values in such a way as to 'make it okay', iyswim.

Cailin can probably say that better, too Grin

differentnameforthis · 11/05/2012 04:15

Cailin, The difference is that you said stop

jinx, the absence of no does not = yes.

CailinDana · 11/05/2012 08:33

I agree garlic, and I think you said it very well :) I'm really sorry it happened to you too, but I am heartened by the fact that your colleagues were so supportive and saw it for what it was.

Avon and puffins, how are you doing today?

MmeLindor. · 11/05/2012 14:53

MNHQ
Why have AF, Oracle and SGM had posts deleted on this thread? They were in no way abusive (as far as I can remember), only called attention to the fact that WB and Jinx were posting Rape Myths.

If they have been deleted because they were in response to the Rape Myths (which I am glad to see have been deleted, or most of them) then I do think that it is important to make this clear.

.. or something?

TheSecondComing · 11/05/2012 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 11/05/2012 15:03

I too am shocked and mystified by those deletions!

CailinDana · 11/05/2012 15:07

I'm surprised too. I can't for the life of me remember what those posts said. Perhaps they contained personal comments?

TheSecondComing · 11/05/2012 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OracleInaCoracle · 11/05/2012 15:16

Cailin, the posts og mine were telling someone who questioned the memory of rape as "a false memory" to fuck off.

Apparently I logged into netmums by accident.

I am v cross.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/05/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenMumsnet · 11/05/2012 15:44

Hello. We didn't post earlier today because the thread was no longer active and we thought you'd all gone elsewhere.

However, we're very happy to explain - as we already have, individually, to those who've contacted us through the Report system.

As you've notice, we have been through the thread and deleted a fair number of posts - some of them personal attacks, some of them out-and-out victim-blaming posts. As we trust you already know, we do not tolerate victim-blaming and we will delete posts that contain it, as soon as we are made aware of them, with no debate, discussion or mitigating pleas.

We have, however, left some uncomfortable posts to stand. That's because we don't delete posts that form part of a reasonable and valid discussion, even if those posts are made in mahoosive ignorance. So, if someone we believed to be a genuine poster came onto a thread and said, for example, "But I thought most rapists were strangers", we would rather let it stand and allow others to correct that particular rape myth on the thread, thereby educating others in the process.

We hope that clarifies thing. We've always thought it's wrong to adopt a policy of blanket censorship (though it might be easier to implement!) Instead, we feel it's wiser to judge each post that's reported on its individual words and context, and make decisions on a post-by-post basis.

Should we find, however, on taking a closer look at particular poster's posts, that some people are persisting in repeating rape myths, even after that the facts have been laid out for them, we will, of course, take appropriate action.

HelenMumsnet · 11/05/2012 15:46

@OracleInaCoracle

Cailin, the posts og mine were telling someone who questioned the memory of rape as "a false memory" to fuck off.

Apparently I logged into netmums by accident.

I am v cross.

Oracle, telling someone to "fuck off" is a personal attack. And has not been allowed on Mumsnet since time immemorial.

MmeLindor. · 11/05/2012 16:05

at Oracle telling the poster to Fuck Off. That is kinda personal. (although warranted in this case).

Will I get deleted for this?

Helen
I don't recall the deleted posts from SGM et al being abusive towards the other posters, that is why I queried it.