sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

I am very upset and crying, but I am OK. I think I have seen it for what it was and I feel very sad for my younger self. Thank you for asking and being so kind.

Because Puffins, no matter how progressive we believe society to be, deep down the message is that women are supposed to keep themselves pure and resist the advances of men and if they don't it's their fault not the man's. The attitude is that of course the man is going to look for sex, what do you expect, and if you give in to him you're a tart.

Of course the truth is you were a naive young girl who enjoyed the attention of an older man. That man saw an innocent young girl and didn't think "Oh how sweet, I'd better take it slowly here so as not to frighten her, in fact, maybe she's just too young" he thought "bingo!" and knew he could get what he wanted without much fuss. He was a rapist who targeted a young victim and unfortunately that was you. That was in no way your fault.

Avon :( I would give you a hug if I could.

Also when I was 15 I snogged someone I had fancied for ages who was a couple of years old than me. The snogging got quite heavy and there was quite a bit of fondling going on. He asked me whether I wanted to lie down with him under a tree (there was no-one around) I said, after thinking about it "Er, no actually, I don't..." and he was fine about it and we went back inside the bar.

Hundreds of other times between about the age of 13 up to early 20s I snogged men/boys without taking it further who were ok about it. You see that's how it should be again. Young, naive people experimenting without anyone getting hurt.

Thank you. I'm going to go for a bit now.

Marys, yes indeed. And I have been lucky to have similar experiences. Not ALL men feel the need to take what is not freely offered. The ones that do are the ones at fault here.

Thank you all

And Cailin you speak a lot of sense, you have a lovely way of explaining things x

I think as Avon says I just feel really sad for my younger self.

And Mary - "You see that's how it should be again", has really struck a cord with me. It IS how it should be, and I should turn the anger I feel that it wasn't , at the right source - him, not a 16 year old girl.

Ok Avon take care.

Puffins, you are dead right. It is good that you feel sad for your younger self and that your anger is turned towards the right person.

Mine's different. I wasn't naive, but trusted people to be decent. I had enough reason to trust - despite my reckless, druggy, drunken all-nighters, my unplanned travels alone around Europe (often hitch-hiking) in flimsy clothing, my instant friendships with strangers and long, snoggy nights with boyfriends, nobody had ever tried to push me into full sex. I'd made a few rapid exits when someone seemed creepy but had stayed safe.

When I went on a date with a customer from a bar I staffed, I wasn't planning to lose my virginity. With hindsight, I should have lost it with one of the boyfriends but that's another story. We went to a place near where he lived - the other side of London. I missed the last Tube. He told me there were no night buses; I'd have to stay at his bedsit. I was really cross with him, but really didn't think he'd force me to have sex after I told him I wouldn't. The idiot squashed me down on his bed - to this day, I think he believed he was seducing me. He got my clothes off and had sex.

I protested but didn't scream or fight; I wanted to get out of there as soon as the trains started in the morning, not end up in some ugly fiasco and a police station. I just lay there. My actual thought was "That can't be it, can it?"

Half past five in the morning, he made me a coffee and told me he was sorry. He hadn't realised I was a virgin. Like that made all the difference. He didn't offer to walk me to the station, but gave me directions.

The older women at work told me I'd been raped. I'm really grateful to them for it. This was in 1975 and, as they pointed out, a police report would have been tougher for me than for him. They were kind to me all week, and barred Eddie from the pub.

My days of instant friendliness ended then. I think my point is that almost all the men I met before him were, in fact, decent enough to respect - and even to protect - a silly young woman. What happened to Avon and Puffin should not have happened and WAS NOT inevitable: those men could have been as decent as all the men I met before Eddie, and they should have been.

I am sorry that one arsehole tainted my trust in men generally. And I'm sorry that every rape apologist has had their trust tainted, too. The vast majority men are not rapists, no matter how reckless and scantily-clad a girl may be. It's such a pity to talk as if they are, isn't it?

Oh, dear. Another essay

Cailin, you are absolutely lovely in the way you talk to people about this kind of stuff

puffins, you are right to direct the blame where it belongs

It's possible you hold that view because it feels easier than facing the 'r word' and the anger. It's what stopped me naming the rapes my husband did to me, although I'd been crying and it hurt. I also suspect this is why those of us who posted just before you wrote of things that broke our virginity. It seems easier to label, although that's not rational, and we do all remember the very first time.

Basically, the guy who pushed you and had sex without getting your go-ahead did rape you. Easier, perhaps, to say "technically" and it's fortunate you didn't feel traumatised. But, when it comes to it, nobody has the right to do things to your body without your permission - or, preferably, invitation.

Oops, posted before I was ready.

I don't question the fact because I trust the judgement of my younger self IYSWIM. My younger self felt nothing wrong had happened, which means to me that there probably was consent, invitation, agreement and enthusiasm on my part, but I just can't remember it at all. I don't even know if I said 'come back to mine, let's do it all night' or whatever .

WB, and you think that it was right what happened?

Sorry what? WB? Is this rape myth thread a- go or what?

That is a despicable thing to say. Not remembering details is one thing, but remembering not wanting to do something is quite another. I think you have to go down with Jinx and Larry in the top rape apologists society.

If you had the experience you describe and enjoyed it and wanted to have sex, well no love, it wasn't rape. But your experience in NO WAY means that the others who have shared their stories on here did actually want what happened to them. They remember. They are not stupid, or confused. They just did know what rape was when it happened to them.

And at the risk of sounding like a stuck record, they didn't know because of the horrid views similar to those expressed by Jinx and Larry in this thread. It's called rape culture.

Oh and I am reporting your comment.

To all those who shared: I believe you. You were not to blame. And you are certainly not remembering incorrectly or anything such. Please, please, ignore the crap below from the rape apologist no. 3.

You trust your younger self, but don't trust the younger selves of the others posting???

I am sorry if you are genuine, but quite frankly I think you ought to think about how what you say can be interpreted before committing to eternal memory on the internet.

Perhaps you gave him permission by your enthusiastic participation/moans/whatever then WB, consent can be signalled physically.

Not really sure what this has to do with the price of beans, other than you're trying to infer "oh well I bet you weren't raped really, it's just that your mind is faulty." You were off your face, fine, but if you hadn't wanted it and he'd ploughed away regardless I bet you'd remember. Because it wouldn't have been right.

I'm sorry about what happened to you avon and puffins. I believe you.

I have no problem remembering what happened. I'm not confused about the events at all. Fortunately I've read the whole thread and was half-expecting someone like WB or Jinx to pop up. Thank you to Cailin, AF, Oracle ,Nutella, Catita, Puffin.

Well, I made a prat of myself by taking your post at face value, didn't I Betty!

I didn't "re-interpret things I was fine with in negative terms". I wasn't fine with it at the time. Neither were the others who posted.

Are you trying to say we should have been? Or what?

Sorry, this wasn't supposed to be talking about specific stories - last night this thread was more of an academic debate with examples and I thought your account was one of those. I do say trust what happened at the time, but I think what I am trying to say is similar to that said in a play by Lynda Laplant which I can't remember. Apologies if I have been misinterpreted. It has been a long day.

When I was younger and rather lacking in good judgement I was out with with my then bf. We had a huge bust up and he ended up storming off, telling me that we were over.

I stayed at the bar and proceeded to get absolutely shit faced. I ended up leaving with a guy that I very vaguely knew from my sports club. We went back to his where we had a very drunken fumble. I was fully enthusiastic and consenting to kissing him and started giving him a BJ. Sadly, the effects of the alcohol caught up with me and the next thing I was aware of was that I was waking up in his bed.

Guess what - it turns our that he was not a rapist and he didn't even try to have sex with me.

Funny how some guys don't seem to get 'confused' and appear to find it easy to behave like decent human beings.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't have such a happy ending as I made it up with my ex, who did struggle with these concepts.