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Original poster

sex while asleep

734 replies

silver999 · 05/05/2012 22:18

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

OP posts:
NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 05/05/2012 22:20

I wouldn't laugh about it.

How did you feel about it?

I woke up DH to have sex with him. The point is that I woke him. I tested the water and then we did it.

Hulababy · 05/05/2012 22:21

You didn't give consent therefore I would assume it was rape.
You need to have a very serious talk with your partner, and also a long think yourself about what you would like to do next.

somewheresomehow · 05/05/2012 22:22

so very wrong :(

RancerDoo · 05/05/2012 22:23

I'd be shocked too.
It shows very little respect and is not ok.
You need to have a serious talk about boundaries.

Pumpster · 05/05/2012 22:25

How do you feel about it?

nolongeramug · 05/05/2012 22:27

Sex without consent - that is rape. Sorry Sad

You need to decide if you want a. Relationship with a man who clearly has no respect for you, and some worrying characteristics

Original poster
silver999 · 05/05/2012 23:43

I was really groggy and half asleep and didn't want it, I feel sad that I didn't stop it. Also worried as no protection was used.

OP posts:
BIWItheBold · 05/05/2012 23:46

I am very sorry Sad but your partner was raping you.

nizlopi · 05/05/2012 23:46

Your partner raped you and your friend laughed.

Get them out of your life pronto. I'm so sorry hug

Lueji · 05/05/2012 23:57

What nizlopi said.

Big hug. :(

BellaOfTheBalls · 06/05/2012 00:00

Exactly what nizlopi said Sad

So sorry honey. I wonder if your friend used laughter as a sort of defence mechanism? Either way, wrong on both counts. Xx

TeaJunky · 06/05/2012 00:02

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nizlopi · 06/05/2012 00:04

If you have sex with someone and they don't consent, that is rape. You cannot get consent from someone if you begin having sex with them whilst they are asleep. Just because they wake up half way through and don't say no doesn't mean that you are not raping them. He had sex with her whilst she was vunerable (ie: unconcious) and now she feels violated. He raped her.

BellaOfTheBalls · 06/05/2012 00:04

Because sex without consent IS rape. That is the definition of rape. It doesn't matter whether you're held down, tied down, asleep or too out of it on drink or drugs; no one has the right to enter your body unless you want them to.

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 00:05

The fact that it's non consentual = rape, no ifs buts or maybes whether you see it or not. Hmm

I'm really sorry OP

conorsrockers · 06/05/2012 00:07

Silver - it might be worth searching on this for opinions, there was a verrryyyy long thread similar to this a while ago, except, for that one the OP had asked for it not to happen again, but it had. I don't think you should feel immediately violated necessarily. You need to tell your partner how you feel (if it did bother you) and ask him not to do it again (if it did). I think what happens after that will let you know if there is a problem. Personally, I would say as an isolated incident it is probably fairly innocent - I know plenty of people that have experience of this (including myself) and don't have issues with it. I don't think your friend was intentionally being insensitive, maybe he/she didn't realise it had upset you quite so much. IMO you shouldn't get too hung up on this 'he touched you without signing in triplicate first' thing until you have had a talk to him about it, some people think it's quite a nice way to be woken up .. Blush

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 06/05/2012 00:07

Was he awake?

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 00:16

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dickiedavisthunderthighs · 06/05/2012 00:18

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lisad123 · 06/05/2012 00:18

Unless you had discussed it and told him this is how you would like to e woken up then it's def not on and is rape Sad

Lueji · 06/05/2012 00:20

IMO you shouldn't get too hung up on this 'he touched you without signing in triplicate first' thing until you have had a talk to him

Even my ex didn't try anything like that.

Never mind signing in triplicate. Sleep means incapacity to consent.
How does anyone know if the other wants to be waken up having sex, without asking first?

I don't think that's the type of thing you do first and then check the reaction.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 00:28

I'm sorry you couldn't get decent RL support. Has anything like this happened before with your partner? Or any incidents where you've been afraid of him? Is he controlling? Does he respect your opinion?

Thistledew · 06/05/2012 00:30

Feeling "really shocked" about someone's behaviour is usually an indication that that person is not comfortable with what has happened. The OP has good reason to feel uncomfortable and not to feel that she should put aside her feelings of discomfort because she didn't spell out to her P that she would actually prefer to have a decision about when she has sex, rather than have that decision made for her.

Seriously, what sort of person presumes that a woman is consenting to sex unless she actually spells out the circumstances in which she doesn't want to?

What sort of man goes and has sex with someone without bothering to find out first if she wants to do so?

OP- I'm sure you can answer these questions. You have a right to feel uncomfortable. So sorry he did this to you.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 00:31

And it's not surprising you're shocked and unsure of things. Something like that shakes the certainties of your life.

tazzle · 06/05/2012 00:33

was HE awake and fully aware ....could he have been half asleep and maybe aroused if you were both snuggling in together. Could he have thought you were more aware than you were.

You mentioned protection .... would he normally be good at using it, would this lapse be uncharacteristic and maybe indicate he might not have been fully awake himself.

NOw I am in NO way excusing the behaviour of any man (or woman) that carries on after a partner has made it clear that is a NO but am aware that signals might get confuggled in a half dream state. Some men are mortified when told they have initiated sex when they or partner not fully awake or is sleeping. Have you discussed it with partner to see what he was aware of at the time.

only you know what things are normally like and can say if this is uncharacteristic or is likely to have been a concious decision on his part.

I am not saying this to dismiss in any way your emotions or feeling in this but just to bring up considerations rather than saying absolutely that this is intentional rape.

Maybe your friend laughed ( she should not have if you were upset) because she has enjoyed waking up to making love with her DP ? Just a thought.