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Original poster

sex while asleep

734 replies

silver999 · 05/05/2012 22:18

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

OP posts:
BIWItheBold · 06/05/2012 07:32

Can I just repeat this, from the OP's second post, because a lot of people seem to be overlooking this:

"I was really groggy and half asleep and didn't want it, I feel sad that I didn't stop it"

These are not words from a woman who decided it was OK because she was enjoying it.

What part of this don't some of you get?

BellaOfTheBalls · 06/05/2012 07:43

thistledew I was sexually assaulted by a friend who spiked my drink then told my friends not worry, he would take me home as I was so out of it. I was awake, aware of what was going on but whatever it was in my system made me feel really disconnected & I couldn't make my voice work, but my head was screaming no. I was not sexually attracted to this man & did not want to have sex with him.

So, by your logic, my failure to say no was actually consenting was it?

BellaOfTheBalls · 06/05/2012 07:47

Oops, apologies thistledew - misread your post! Blush

Tiptoptoe · 06/05/2012 07:48

I am horrified and truly disgusted at some of these responses. I cannot believe that in this day and age there are woman who still live with these views Shock

Rape is not only a brutal sexual attack on a person!

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you.

Never, ever is it ok for someone to touch you without your consent - exactly as we teach our children - or does that only apply to them?

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 06/05/2012 08:46

I'm so sorry Sad

You have every right to feel as you do. What he did was not OK and not normal. I'm sorry your friend reacted as she did. It might help to talk to somebody in RL who will take what you have to say seriously:

Rape Crisis freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

They will listen and advise whether you want to define what happened as rape or not.

I believe you x

DustyDen · 06/05/2012 09:36

TeaJunky - We probably 'swoop' in and say it's rape because a) it is rape, and b) lots of us have also been raped and know what she's going through.

My ex used to wake me up by raping me. It took me a long time to escape, and to accept what was happening to me.

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/05/2012 10:05

It is rape. Please get help OP.

anonacfr · 06/05/2012 10:13

Shit have some of you chosen to overlook the second post I didn't want it- I feel sad I didn't stop it- worried as no protection was used??????!!!!!

Sounds like someone who really enjoyed her sexual experience Hmm. Just because the OP was groggy and didn't say no out loud doesn't mean it was consensual.

OP have you spoken to your partner? What did he say?

WineGoggles · 06/05/2012 10:13

Just to put a different angle on it, a fair few of my ex partners have said how much of a turn on it would be for me to get them hard in the night and jump them while they were asleep. So, with that logic, perhaps they don't equate doing the same to their partner as rape? I would want to know his intentions and how he feels after the OP has explained how she didn't like it.

anonacfr · 06/05/2012 10:23

Winegoggles difference being in your case your ex partners have discussed a specific fantasy.

Btw there is a difference between being woken up by a gentle touch/caress and waking up to find a man thrusting inside you.

applepieinthesky · 06/05/2012 10:23

My DP has woken me up before to ASK me if I want sex but I would be horrified if he just assumed I wanted it.

Sorry but it IS rape and everyone telling you it's not is wrong. Rape is someone having sex with you without your consent. How can she possibly consent if she's asleep? I'm gobsmacked at some of the responses.

applepieinthesky · 06/05/2012 10:23

My DP has woken me up before to ASK me if I want sex but I would be horrified if he just assumed I wanted it.

Sorry but it IS rape and everyone telling you it's not is wrong. Rape is someone having sex with you without your consent. How can she possibly consent if she's asleep? I'm gobsmacked at some of the responses.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/05/2012 10:39

I suppose there is chance that he genuinely thought the op would like to be woken up like that.

ClueLessFirstTime · 06/05/2012 10:39

you said you were half asleep, so really that means you knew what was goiing on and let him continue to have sex with you. That is consenting to it.

not expressively consenting is not consenting and therefore rape.
reading some of this makes me really sad.

nizlopi · 06/05/2012 10:43

I would say its opinions like the ones I've read above that leads to men thinking that shit like this is 'Ok' or 'Not really rape'.

You don't have to be shouting no for it to be rape. This woman was asleep, her boyfriend knew that she was unconscious and had unprotected, non-consensual sex with her which has now left her upset and confused. It doesn't MATTER if he thought it was ok, or that she'd like it, he didn't have the right to do that unless he was sure that she'd like it, and being sure means that they've spoken before hand. If your husbands have done it in the past without asking first, and you've liked it, then you are both very lucky! Your experience doesn't mean that hers is any less real or upsetting for her.

I say this as someone who doesn't have a 'rape agenda' against men. I hate how men are often vilified on here and the blatant double standards on the relationships forum. I am very lucky in that I have never experienced any form of sexual violence in my life. This does not mean that I am unable to see the difference between what is right and what is wrong. What happened to this woman was fucked up, and the people trying to justify his behaviour, or belittle her feelings about it need to seriously educate themselves.

There is no grey area in rape.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 06/05/2012 10:44

I posted this on the other thread, I think it's worth reposting here:

Waking up to find my partner already penetrating me would feel like a horrible violation ... If that's something you enjoy then great, there's no problem, but if you or your partner are going to do something that is so potentially abusive and illegal, you'd better have had a proper discussion about it first.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 10:46

I think it is all about context.

If i woke up and my DP was having sex with me (unlikely as i am such a light sleeper) it could go either way - i think i would either be extremely turned on and go with it, or i would be pissed off to be woken up (sleep is precious!!!) it might make me feel physically sick to be woken up with that sort of movement (not repulsed iyswim, more sea sick) and DP would be risking physical injury! I think it would all depend on how deeply asleep i was.

If MY DP did this, i wouldn't consider it rape, we have a very good sex life and are extremely open and adventurous. I do totally see how it is rape in other circumstances though.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 10:50

Turning this around, i do sometimes wake my DP with a BJ - he doesn't complain!! However, i think it is easier to do that to a man, as its just umm, more accessible. There would be a level of heavin on my DPs part if he wanted to have a shag when im asleep as my sleeping position isn't conducive to intercourse and id juat wake up. I have been with DP for 20 years and i don't REMEMBER this ever happening, but im not saying it never did when we actually had the energy for that sort of thing

nizlopi · 06/05/2012 10:54

I don't see the point in turning this around. One experience does not equal another. What Lucy is talking about in her posts is in no way similar to what happened to the OP.

BIWItheBold · 06/05/2012 10:57

All of you posters talking about things from your perspective - that is totally irrelevant. The OP came here for advice/help/support about her problem. Knowing that you are fine with being raped by your partner is going to help her how, exactly?

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 10:58

Errr thankyou for telling me what I am talking about nizlopi Hmm

My POINT which you have missed, is for some people this would be OK, for others it is absolutely not OK, but it is totally and utterlly dependant on context.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 06/05/2012 11:00

For the OP, it's not OK.

BIWItheBold · 06/05/2012 11:01

and how does that help the OP, lucyellen?

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 11:02

I have not been raped by my partner - you are talking bollocks

However, i take on board what you say about the OP not being happy with the situation and looking for advice.

My advice would be - Tell him that is it totally unacceptable to you and you never want him to do it again. That should be enough. Tell him it upset you and you felt disorientated etc, tell him how you felt. If he has done this more than once despite your not enjoying it then yes, im sorry, but it is non-consensual sex and by definition is rape. Tell him so

nizlopi · 06/05/2012 11:03

Yes, SOME people would be ok with it, she isn't. You and your partner have an 'Open' sexual relationship (your words) meaning that you know each others boundaries.

When you make these comparisons, its like you're apologising for what this man did, and making excuses for it. There is no excuse for having sex with your unconscious partner on the chance that she'll wake up and like it. How hard would it have been for him to tap her on the shoulder and say 'I'm horny, how about you?'.

Just because you have had a positive experience with your partner and sleepy sex (and I know what you're talking about, as me and my husband have had this sort of sex in the past also) does not mean that what this guy did is in any way acceptable.