sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

I think a lot of partners assume consent, that is maybe why he thought it would be ok. Do you have a lot of sex, or do you normally decline his sexual advances? I am not trying to pry, just trying to establish how much he is crossing the line. If you frequently refuse sex whilst awake, then i would say it was most certainly untoward him trying to have sex with you in your sleep.

If you agreed in advance you'd like to be woken in this manner, fine.

Otherwise, what planet are you on that's it's ok for someone to have sex with you when you are actually asleep and too groggy to protest?

I have actually never heard of this until I came on MN because it never occurred to me that when I fell asleep at night, I could suddenly find myself having sex I wasn't even aware of starting and wasn't into stopping and I would consider that rape.

I did know someone who woke to find her partner fiddling with her, she dumped him immediately, it's incredibly intrusive.

Now, if we were semi-awake in the night, started snuggling and it led to sleepy sex, that's different. But that's because we would be semi-awake and it would be consensual, I can't get how it would be ok for one person to initiate sex without checking with the other first.

My mind is actually boggling if you are not safe when you are asleep (sleep is a sanctuary to me).

OP you mentioned the lack of contraception. Do you think that is why he penetrated you when you were unconscious and unable to refuse?

It was rape btw.

nizlopi - i take that on board, you are absolutely right. I apologise if i offended

Unless I have missed something I do not think anyone has said silver999 has "brought it on herself", or even implied it.

Asking questions about the situation is NOT the same as disgreeing about the need for consent or saying it is not rape .... and is indeed responding to a request for advice and trying to get a picture of the circumstances.

I dont know if silver 999 has other posts indicating her relationship with op. I am fairly new here and finding my way around ... I dont know whether this is an unexpected occurence in an usually wonderful loving and very touchy feely, cuddly relationship or whether the relationship is troubled.

We don't know if her partner was fully awake himself or what has been said since by either party to each other. Maybe he will be mortified if he misread how she felt.

and just in case anyone thinks I am niave, lacking understanding or unsympathetic of silver .... yes I do know what it is like to be raped and be abused long term, but I also know from that sometimes men ( and women) can at least start sex while in a dream state.

silver is the only one in the position to make any judgement calls but imo that depends her discussions and the attitude of her partner.

OP you did not give your consent. You did not want to have sex with him. You know the reaction of your friend is wrong and you are distressed enough to ask for help/opinions here.Therefore he raped you.

And to all the bloody rape apologists on here will you PLEASE think about the stuff that you are saying, and as I said on the other thread on AIBU, how fucking depressing that some of you are the mothers of sons. What exactly will you teach those sons about respecting a woman (or mans ) body ? And if you are the mother of daughters, you'll be fine with the fact that if your daughter was the OP, you'd pat her on the head and tell her it was okay for some bloke to stick his dick into her because she was asleep/drunk ?

Having forced sex with someone who is sleeping is rape. There is absolutely no doubts about that. Its consensual sex if both partners are conscious and in the mood to fuck. Men who chance it to fuck someone while asleep are animals and in my opinion should be immediately dumped.

I don't know how this thread has gone, but I notice there is some anger towards "rape apologists" which is a term I don't understand one hundred per cent, so am not sure if my previous question as to whether he was awake is being included in that?

I only asked because my ex had a condition that caused him to act things out in his sleep, including sexual touching and intercourse, and I was wondering if it were a possibility.

I agree that non-consensual sex is rape, and that in this case if he were awake and conscious when he initiated sex with an asleep and unconscious partner, that it is rape, unless there is a pre-arranged agreement that this is permissable and a safety word arranged to stop the process should they wake and be uncomfortable with it. Which is obviously not the case in this occurence (I only mention it because I have had one, and know others who have, and would be mortified to have it considered rape).

I'm guessing OP, that you need some sort of advice or counselling to approach how to deal with this matter. I am not sure where to point you, but I am sure someone else will be able to direct you to a suitable place. I am sorry you have had to go through this, and that it has sparked debate, please don't think people are debating your situation, where it is clear that unwanted sexual intercourse has occurred, making it a sexual assault in your case. I hope you have support. x

I can't believe anyone would actually want to shove their dick into a woman who wasn't responsive at all. Even if this man didn't realise how wrong that is (ie that it is rape) I don't think I could ever be with someone who would actually enjoy that. Sex is between two people. The response of the partner adds to your own enjoyment surely? You may as well have been a blow up doll.

Out of interest what do people think of 'intimately' touching a partner when they're asleep? DH and I have discussed that and I said I would really like it (not oral though) but he wouldn't as he is pretty sure his abusive ex used to do that and more to him. But the purpose of him touching me would be to gently wake me up. We have never discussed actual sex while asleep because it is obvious to us that it would never happen.

Are you ok op?

I never understand how anyone would be lubricated enough to have sex with no foreplay.

Am I missing something?

I never understand how the get the underwear off a sleeping person.

How THEY not how TO!

That is the condition to which I was considering RBME ... and yes unwanted intercourse took place , I have not inferrred otherwise and for that I really so feel so sad silver it was indeed a shock no matter how / why it started.

BUt I am just saying there is a very slight possibility that it is not quite what most seem to think and that it was not a deliberate attempt by a man to have sex come what may or by stealth.

I hope you are getting some RL support silver999 to help you to get to where you need to be to sort things out in your own mind .....talking things over with someone knowedgable, unbiased and open minded might be a good step.... be that the rape crisis organisation mentioned above , a GP or the samaritans.

I Know that my intention was not to create debate about your situation, only to provide a possible explanation for something that happened that might explain an event that has shocked you to the core ....and that might actually be less of a "hurt" than thinking a man you love, and who says he loves you, deliberatly taking advantage of you while you sleep. ( I am here making a presumption on that for as I say I do not know anything about your relationship.)

oop meant that to be might explain in last para

I don't really see how just because perhaps he didn't do it to take advantage of her makes it not rape. Its a serious lack of judgement on his part and even if he meant it in a 'good' way, it doesn't mean that the outcome isn't horrible.

I read a while ago about a woman who told her partner that she had a rape fantasy, he took that to mean that he could have sex with her whilst she was saying no. Afterwards, she felt raped and he felt mortified. Her rape isn't less serious because of his intentions.

I am agreeing that the outcome was horrible nizlopi ......and haven't said it was not rape. As it also was in your example where miscommunication / misunderstanding took place between two adults where the woman felt comfortable enough to tell her partner about her fantasy. They did not set it up with a code word to indicate she REALLY meant NO, he presumably genuinely thought it was what she wanted... hence the mortification. She perhaps did not realise that a fantasy and reality sometimes do not coincide and some are best existing only in ones head. NOt in any way suggesting she was "at fault" btw !!!!

my suggestions on this thread are only given for the reason above in the last paragraph.

Tazzle - what is the clinically recognised name for the condition which some people think excuses men who rape women in their sleep please ? And how common is it ? What treatment is available?

It is rape!

This exact thing happened to me when I was 15 by my boyfriend at the time. It is rape. You didn't want it or ask for it.

I didnt report as at 15 I stupidly didn't think it was wrong as we were in a relationship. I was made to ring the police when by mum found out and they said it was rape!

silver if want to talk pm me. Hope you are ok.

It's a type of parasomnia.

Here's a link.

www.sleepfoundation.org/article/ask-the-expert/sleep-and-parasomnias

Do you have any links relating to the diagnosis and incidence in the UK ? And figures specific to the actual incidence of sexual assaults ? How many times has it successfully been used as a defence in a rape trial in the UK Rabbit?

I suffer from parasomnia myself, with sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations, it was me who told him he had a sleep disorder because I recognised the state when he tried to have sex with me one night. He had other more recognisable sleep issues that he was aware of, like sleep walking, restless legs, talking in his sleep and violent awakening if you tried to rouse him during any of this, but didn't realise that he did this. It was usually only when he was stressed, like when we first got together and shared a bed and he was nervous. Scary when you don't know what it is. Doesn't sound like the case here though, I only raised it on the off chance.

poo- I assumed they slept naked

Sorry, no idea, I only have personal experience with it, not clinical experience.