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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sex while asleep

734 replies

silver999 · 05/05/2012 22:18

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 06/05/2012 14:43

google the following . " definition of rape rape crisis"
It gives the sexual offences Act 2003 law definition.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 15:00

Some of the responses on here are truly sickening.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/05/2012 15:34

There's been a lot of threads like this on here lately.

I always think about what if i was the one waking my partner up by having sex with them. What if i genuinely believe they would really enjoy that because that's what i would like, or my ex did or some other reason (or in the rape fantasy example my partner has told me they would enjoy it). They wake up and don't tell me to stop. I think they have enjoyed it. The next day they call me a rapist.

I would be devastated. I would feel disgusted with myself and horrified that i got it so wrong.

These things aren't always so black and white. Is it still a crime if you had no intention of committing a crime, didn't think you were and would never dream of doing so. Isn't it then a sort of accident?

(waiting for the masses of posts saying "oh yeah accidental rape! ")

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 15:43

If you genuinly believed the would like it why would you not ask them if they would?

I'd don't think it's difficult to tell the difference between enjoyment and someone being non engaged.

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 15:44

Of course it's a crime if you didn't intend to do it.

If someone forgets they have an item from a shop on topof their buggy and walks out of the shop without paying for it it's still stealing.

garlicbutty · 06/05/2012 15:53

PooPoo, your question's really easy to answer. Several of us have advised OP to raise it with her partner, making it very clear that this behaviour's out of order. If he does it again, she'll know he assumes the right to use her body without her knowing or consenting. That's a problem. One hopes he'll be duly horrified, sorry, and that will be the end of it.

Re: parasomnias. Yes, of course this happens. People who act against their partners while asleep have to sleep in separate rooms. Also simple.

theonewiththenoisychild · 06/05/2012 16:09

No consent = rape partner or not. No excuses

PooPooInMyToes · 06/05/2012 16:12

If you genuinly believed the would like it why would you not ask them if they would?

Well i would, but i can imagine that cases of miscommunication can happen like in the rape fantasy example.

If someone forgets they have an item from a shop on topof their buggy and walks out of the shop without paying for it it's still stealing.

So should the person who put the item on top of their buggy and forgot about it be charged? Should the police be called, they be banned from the shop, prosecuted and get a criminal record?

I can see a huge difference between that person, and one who goes into the shop intending to steal and puts items in their bag.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/05/2012 16:14

Garlic. I agree. I was thinking the same but assumed that some of here would think that was allowing him to get away with one instance of rape.

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 16:15

I agree there is a difference but that doesn't change that the act is illegal.

FWIW - In a loving relationship i would expect that what wouls happen would be as described above, a mortified partner who would never dream of doing similar again. That doesn't mean that it wasn't rape though.

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 16:18

What most posters are trying to say i think is that is not wrong for her to feel upset about this, the fact that someone else would like it is irrelevant.

You wouldn't tell someone to take it up the bum because it was something that other people enjoy so she has to too.

nizlopi · 06/05/2012 16:27

This is the whole reason that the 'I didn't know it was a crime' or 'I didn't MEAN to' is not a defense, so that people can't suddenly say 'I didn't know she wasn't consenting!' or 'I forgot I left it on top of my buggy - honest!'

Its not fair, but that's the law.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 16:32

Back to that comment of NorfolkNChance's on another thread. Some people seem to think that women exist in a state of perpetual consent unless they explicitly state otherwise.

maristella · 06/05/2012 16:36

OP I am so so sorry you have been treated this way :(

You know it was rape don't you?
You know that you have every right to go to sleep safe in the knowledge that your partner will not take your unconciousness as a green light don't you?

I was woken by a partner trying to rape me, he did not stop trying despite my refusals. I was taken very seriously by police.
I was in physical pain too, because when a woman's body is not expecting or ready for sex it can really really hurt.

I understand why you did not stop him - absolute shock and confusion?

Take really good care of yourself, and consider all of your options, because you do have choices now x
Oh and ignore the misogynistic rape apologists on here, sadly they are everywhere

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 17:03

It is fucking ridiculous, people are scared to ask a genuine question for fear of being called a rape apologist or mysoginist.

There are so many variables with this.

I can picture so many scenarios.

First one - a partner (male or female) initiating sex with their partner while they are asleep. I think thats quite nice to wake up to a bit of loving (providing im well rested of course!)
Second - maybe partner spooning the other? done to wake the partner up. Im less sure about this - for me, i would either find this erotic or fucking annoying and probably end up administering a swift elbow to the tummy actually.
Third - and this is what i find weird and distasteful and i think it is rape, however the relationship is - having sex with a sleeping partner, without the intention of waking them or wiht the intention of removin the ability for the partner to consent or not. This is a vile thing to do.

In my view, if you don't want it to happen, its rape. If you are unable to consent, its rape. But if I wake up in the morning with DP having sex with me, i wont considering it to be rape. That is MY choice, based on the openess of our relationship, we are sexually very much anything goes sort of couple. Id think he was a bit weird though.

ABatInBunkFive · 06/05/2012 17:08

But that is the point you are happy for him to do it, if he knows that no it isn't rape, if he doesn't know that but does it anyway by definition it is rape right up until he gets consent. The fact that you wouldn't consider it to be matters not one fuck.

maristella · 06/05/2012 17:09

This isn't about you though is it?

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 17:14

oh, well i'll shut up then, my opinion is not valid because it doesn't fall into line with everyone elses?

I have said what i wanted to say to the OP

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 06/05/2012 17:15

Hope you're OK, silver x

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 17:18

If you want to be a handy orifice for your DP whilst unconscious that's your choice. Penetrating a sleeping woman isn't sex. Sex requires two people to be involved.

clam · 06/05/2012 17:19

The OP hasn't been back. But I would like to ask you, silver if you've spoken to your partner about this. Because his response might be quite telling. For instance, if he was appalled that you feel this way and was very apologetic, pledging never to do it again, that's one thing (as long as he doesn't, unlike that other poster, whose h continued to do it despite knowing she hated it). But if he shrugged and said "ffs, why not? We're a couple, sex is my right" then I'd say you have some serious thinking to do.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 17:21

Well i wouldnt know narked - he has never done it. I daresay he would prefer me to be responsive too. I would also expect that he would want me to wake up. I wake him up with a BJ, i know that is different, i do it to give HIM pleasure so he wakes up with that pleasure. I am looking at it from that angle, that maybe if he were doing that to me he would be wanting me to feel good too? If he were wanting me to stay asleep - then of course id think he was a freak and id hammer him. Hence the variables. But of course there is only one way it would seem.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 17:22

clam i think your post is spot on.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/05/2012 17:42

Im sorry but i am getting sick and tired of bein called a rape apologist simply because i don't necessarily agree with the feminist dogma on here or ask questions that maybe show i haven't fully understood what is being said. It is fucking ridiculous, people are scared to ask a genuine question for fear of being called a rape apologist or mysoginist.

I agree with that. Posters should be able to openly ask questions without being called a woman hater and rape apologist.

foxxxyblonde · 06/05/2012 17:46

It's happened to me with 2 of my ex's and my current partner. I'm actually to blame as I wank them in my sleep, every time it happened they thought I was awake until they realised I was actually doing it in my sleep. I more often than not couldn't even remember doing it lol

Maybe this is what you've done and now the poor guy's getting all the mumsnet man haters going off on one.

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