Welcome to the Turning Tavern III

[Crushinghard]

A continuation of the TTII thread for women unexpectedly finding themselves attracted to other women.

yes, it's not likely then that your wiq gave a show of friendliness towards you for other people, if she had two weeks to do it before this! I thought you only see her once a week or so, didn't realise you kept seeing all two weeks before that (I take it, before you had that talk with her). i'm sure she's not worried about you reporting her! you aer worried too much about this. She would have done it ages ago if she wanted to, but she wouldn't want it even just because you will then tell your side of the sory and it would be very awkward , even if they doubt who to believe. I know you probably wouldn't tell anything, but she won't risk it. She could have come over and talked in friendly way because she took at face value that you do want to move on fron this odd atmosphere and just become friendly - she may really want this herself! Or there is a chance she still feels something, and maybe thinks that once your dd moves, it will be easier to develop something personal, so she's preparing the ground so to speak. It's really ine of these two options imo. She can see that you don't want to be nasty or cut contact, so she's maybe thinking which option she wants, friendliness or more. But bear in mind she might have got involved with someone and htat maybe the main reason she's not interested anymore, even if she still thinks you aer attractive. Don't just beat your self up if she doesn't do more as this can be the reason, not your fault (apart from maybe how you were in early stages). How do you communicate daily when you see her? would you have to talk anyway in front of others, or you only talk if one of you makes anb effort? as i said try to talk when others are not directly looking (or watch her if she initiates) and see if she's a bit different then.
My wiq as i say may feel something (I don't know how much) but can't see it working in reality (age gap, friends opinions, etc - and she knows me but not that well that's why i wish she spent moretime with me and got to know me). That may lead to this contradicting behaviour.Yes, I was already thinking of just texting after those texts, something like 'am i pestering you too much' - I did say 'sorry if I'm crossing boundaries with wanting more' or something like that - this was just after saying I'd wanted less distance, but I should have just asked this question so she had to answer something, instead I also added that whatever her attitude to this, I still would be always there if she needed help with anything! (I help with her pets sometimes), and i meant geberally. Of course she immediately latched on to the last comment, saying how much she appreciates it, but completely ignored the 'boundaries' comment. I mean I wishshe was straight and said 'sorry but my life is too full, don;t have the time' - which of course would mean a 'No interest', or said she wants to spend more time but not easy to orgamise (positive) - instead there was nothing.I don't know if she's playing a game just because i can be useful to her sometimes and she trusts me with pets, but she has other friends who also help when she's away etc. It may be that she doesn't want to say anything as she's thinking about it, same as your does. That';s what i did mean 'what would she get out of this', out of fthe gameplaying. She does look flirty sometimes, but it's never lasting, a few seconds. She does appear sometimes not so much nervous but hesitant or something (it's hard to tell if really nervous, she's quite controlled with her expressions generally).

God, another epic post - thought 'I'll reply quickly'

I'm beating myself up now about that 'sorry if it's crossing boundaries' with the closer contact, I shouldn't have apologised but kind of offered it as a question (would you like to be less distant as I think you'd enjoy my company more once you know me better), I did say there also that I think she'll enjoy my company as I think a lot of her , but it was a statement, thought she'd respond, but I should have asked instead, so that she HAS to say something. The htink with texts, there is time to think about responses, so it's not like putting someone on the spot much. I remember she did take about 10 min to answer, she could have said more even if carefully, so it's all confusing. All I mainly hear is 'thank you', 'that's very sweet', 'really appreciate it', and in real contact she is warm most of thetime, so it's not some cold politeness.

*thing with texts

yes, I could say something like 'have I been a pest with my texts', and if she asks 'what texts' I will say the one about wanting more contact, the problem is she may ask to explain whether i want to be friends, and I would be lying if i said yes to that, but it's too much for me to directly say to her face 'no I want more than friendship'- it;s way too scary as you know! I'drather write a letter (unless she starts being more encouraging AND spend more time with me so that i can feel brave). It's hte same as talk about gay r-ships - she may ask outright why an I asking, or whether I'm attracted to women, all i could say to that 'because/I'm only attracted to you' - I'm not nearly as brave, plus if she's shocked I'd be putting her on the spot, unlike with a letter or eveb texts. But I will jokily ask whether my texts were a bit unwelcome, at least then she could say something polite if she's not interested. I just don't want to push her into positive answers if she's still getting her head around it all. I'm not too optimistic though, and it would be painful being rejected face to face.
The thing is I'm confused about your contact as you say you volunteer there, but then you say you pick up your dd in different section - so when do you mainly see her? if when volunteering then you must havev always something to ask her in practical sense and also she would havfe to be friendly sometimes so it looks ok others there. But if you mainly see her when collecting dd, then she didn't have to talk and her effort can nean interest! I think you'll know for sure when dd moves because I still think she's uncomfortable with flirting/talking in front of others where she works directly. Once you aer elsewhere you could just meet somewhere out of school and it won't be teacher/parent anymore. So she could be being friendly so that you maybe give her your number in the end or offer to come and volunteer etc. But what i don;t understand - you were friendly even before the talk, and you said she was walking straoght past you etc, she did see that yo were friejndly? has the talk changed things so much? I mean ok, she could now like and respect you more for your courage and a positive gesture, but I still don;t know why was she off before. That's why I'm saying that it COULD be that she just accepted the clear offer of friendship, maybe thought it would be unfair not to acknowledge your gesture (talk) and just ignore you aftewards, she could just have been 'nice'. I think you will only find out in theend for sure, which option it is, as really there are these two. If she keeps starting to talk to you within these weeks, I'd definitely offer your contact details just before you leave, so we'll see what she's like in the next few weeks. But I think yo should initiate sometimes too, maybe after she does once more.

I mean if she was pissed off because she didn't like your personal interest in her (as you sometimes suggest), then it means she lost interest and this talk was a relief for her, and she could become friendly just not to feel bad about it all. Bu if she is still attracted then why was she pissed off before the talk - obviously not because of your interest then! Just having this talk wouldn't make her suddenly interested personally, to make it more clear. Maybe she sees it as a fresh start for other things, but if she was interested anyway I still don't understand why was she quite nasty just before..

Dear all,

I feel bad that I haven't been keeping up and offering advice/views on everyone else's situation. I promise I will get back into the swing of the thread once these crazy few days of work are over! I spent so much time with WIQ last week before she left that I fell behind in my work, and have some major deadlines coming up.

My WIQ hasn't had internet access for a couple of days, as the people she is staying with at the moment don't have WiFi. We exchanged a few texts to keep in touch. She finally got online today, and we spent most of the day on Skype chatting. She sent me a long email with updates on what she's been doing.

It goes without saying that I really miss her. I went to an event with the society we are members of last night. It took place in the building where her apartment is, and it was strange to be there without her. With those events, I always go to hers beforehand, and afterwards for drinks. I felt kind of bereft going home straight after! Because I'm her "right-hand woman" in the society (she has a major position on the board), everyone came to me with questions and issues in her absence, which made me feel good. I'm at least 20 years younger than most people in the society, so it's even better to be considered as an "important" member, because of her. (That sounds arrogant - I don't mean to be!)

She's still working on stuff for the society while she's away, so there are lots of emails going back and forth about that. Six weeks still feels like an impossibly long time to be without her, but she seems keen on regular contact, which is great.

In my emails to her, I've started using more affectionate terms, like "Hey honey" (slightly cringeworthy, maybe) and signing off with "lots of love" and some kisses.

I saw the gay couple last night for a drink, as they're leaving town to go back to Europe tomorrow. One of them had a huge argument with WIQ two weeks ago, and he was mouthing off about her in a big way. It's sad that the halcyon times of the four of us spending time together are over.

I am worried mow because the married man she kissed may be visiting the city she's in for a conference. She said a while ago that if he went, she would probably try and spend some time with him. I really feel that I need to tell her exactly how I feel about her, before she sees him. We haven't talked about him for a while, probably because I completely zone out when she mentions his name. She must realise that I don't want to hear about him.

*now

Hi Cao, are you saying she never mentioned your emotional outburst/confession on Skype, or by email?? I'm amazed. You say you should tell her before she sees this man - er but you did tell her! If it was just friendly you wouldn't have cried and also she knows you are gay/bi so she would assume it's not just platonic unless stressed otherwise. I'm hoping that she's planning the talk face to face - it is great that she's in touch all the time, obviously you didn't scared her off! but I wonder what is she feeling - could you tell at all? during all those hugs you had? I think she' either attracted , or just curious and facsinated as it's so novel to her - but not prepared yet to commit verbally to anything. Or, if attracted, then just gathering courage before the dive-in! Did she mention the man since she's gone away?
I'm just back from seeing Wiq (also yesterday). outmy, you said she would noticeably warm up if my 'forward' texts had a positive impression - well she has! I'm still a bit none the wiser, because not sure whether she's like htat out of some mild guilt that I got upset at her being annoyed at me the time before. She really noticeably made an effort to ask how I was (doesn't always happen), initiated a few trivial chats, when i strated a chat she made sure she wasn't unfriendly, almost gone outof her way even when busy. But there was nothing obviously flirty/suggestive, just more openly warm (though again, I don't know whether it's not some guilt/being nice to a person she likes. Today I had a bad moment of panic when I was at her place, as I saw a card from her friend (she displays them) asking 'how did the date go?' (among other things)! Oh God.. I kind of sensed it recently and mentioned here a few times, and it looks like it may be the case. And to add to this just before I was leaving in the eve she dressed up and said she was going for drinks (I asked whether she 's going to a party on Monday) - she said 'it's just drinks' dismissively but she obviously made an effort and although not overdressed she did wear a sexy figure hugging black dress which I'v enevr seen her in, and earlier she was arrnging on the phone to meet a guy (I thought this was for daytime as it wasn't obviously personal) but it turms out the guy is the evening meeting, as she never went out in the day (did work). I had a dreadful panicky feeling for a good 20 min just after when going home, picturing them having drinks and then kissing - or more! it's was extremely painful. This guy is the same one (or maybe just same name?) that she dressed up once before for, but then she said she saw him rarely as he lived abroad - maybe he moved or strated visiting more? It's obviously not full blown as they talk in not very intimate manner on the phone (not in public) and she wasn't flirty as such on the phone, also that trime in hte past she said he was a friend - so it could be a friend who she's now fancying, or it's a differnt man with same name who is pursuing her. This card asking about a date means of course that it is new - and can you imagine that someone actually wrote it in a card and i had to see it?! is this message from above to leave her be? After that panic mode stopped I then was thinking back to the last two days, as had leisure while travelling and it did feel good, the way she was nicer than before - I just feel so intensely magnetised by her, I really like all the little details, it's unbelievable. I think she dies like me but sometimes I think I'm mad to imagine that she's actually attracted! Oh and btw I met her son at last! you know I can imagine how awkward it would be for her to confess that she is now with a woman! (if she felt it) - he's not an alternative type at all (done a lot though for his age). outmy please tell me whjat you think (and Cao, if you have an opinion). outmy but if she asks you to volunteer later, would that be in her class?

didn't scare, fascinated etc!

outmy, I now realised you already said that she could ask you to be in her class as a volunteer. If she is awkward about appearing interested at work, she may b eunsure about that - when she showed interest in the past, was it when picking up dd then? Did she looked at you, or said hello, since she last came up to you, as you see her every day?

Hi All, and a special welcome to the new people to this thread. You're all very welcome here.

I haven't posted for some time so I'll give an update and a recap on my story.

In December I developed a massive crush on a woman. Had fancied women before but this particular crush finally brought me to the point where I could admit to myself that I am a lesbian.

The crush has passed, but not the fact that I'm a lesbian. I told my husband and we are now in the process of trying to work out the details of separating. More recently I have been telling family and friends too. We have a young child who doesn't know yet.

It's been a hell of a journey so far and it's only just begun, but I can't wait to be living on my own (next yr prob) and having a chance to date women.

I don't really have a lot of time to spend reading this thread so I've lost track of most people's stories, but feel free to pm me for a chat.

Hi Myelin, you did go awol a bit but so pleased you are doing the right thing andbravely telling your family/friends. Any friends reacted badly? I'm imagining my wiq in this scenario and i think some of her friends would really be shocked (and might even stop the friendship) - not the closest ones of course. Great that your dh is a decent man and isn't turning nasty. Do you think you could feel about a new person the same way as about your crush though? or have you moved on completely?
outmy, sorry that you are very down - I had a moment like that before the last weekend (maybe telepathy that wiq is dating someone). 3 yrs is a hell of a long time and I was thinking how would i feel if I had to give my hopes with wiq (based on possibility she gets involved with a man) - it felt terrible, great void but also having to just delete the feelings somehow - not sure if it would be possible. It does hit you in these moments that having hopes or dreams is way better than being dropped from a great height by reality! I met wiq 9 months ago, so even a lot less than you know yours but it still so hard to imagine having to give up. I think you should get prepared but don't yet 'bury it' because if something is there, as you say, even subtle, she would act on it, she knows it's up to her (being a teacher and in control of arrangements where she could see you) - I really think if anything wouldhappen it would be after your dd finishes this year. I don't think that one episode ruined everything. As I understand, your note and talking to her was after that?? so she well knows that whatever your reasons for that eye-rollking it was either not to do with her (could be to do with dd) or indeed she could even see you were just confused and tortured. It is strange she didn't say hello - could she npt notice you were behind her? watching kids? or again if everyone was looking maybe she didn't wat them noticing any 'looks' towards you.

Hi Likea

No, friends have all been fine, shocked but fine. Dad and brother have been good too, but my mum has reacted very badly indeed. I'm trying to stay out of her way now tbh. She's known about 6 weeks now and still really despises what I've 'done'.

The feelings for my crush weren't really 'real' iykwim, they weren't based on what she is really like, more based on who I thought she was or could be. I have since discovered some of her personality flaws which has made her more human to me. Tbh, much as I do still fancy her, I don't think we'd be right together.

Hope things are well with you.

there is no pattern of cold/warmer with my wiq. This time it was really noticeable that she made an effort (but most of hte time she looked genuine, not forced - there was just one time when she asked me some questions about my new home and I had a lot to tell so she started to look a bit restless and then said she neede to finish work (which she did, it wasn't a fib), but yesterday there were no long talks and she intiated quite a few short chats, with quite a lot of grinning/trivia thrown in. What i mean by guilt is, she may like me and feel sorry that I got upset as I'm at a tsressful time with all hte moving etc, could think she's not been nice - but she already did apologise then by text. I thought she may be warmer, but not as obviously so - do you think this is good or not (i.e. trying a bit too hard). On gthe other hand if she did think of it as flirting from me (not just friendliness) then it is encouraging.
With the man it's definetile a date though - how do you mean it's 'nothing' ? the card was a thanks for a guest who stayed (a friend who lives in diff city) - she had two of those cards, she obv hosted a jubilee party!they were chatty informal cards and thiswas just one mention of it - but it means the date was last week. I don't know whether it was the guy she went out with yesterday or someone else new (there was no name) - it could be that this guy is a friend and that she dated another one, or it could be hte same. I also don't think it's completely nothing as she did dress slightly sexily, I think if a woman meets a real friend with no confusion there, she would dress down deliberately (it was only to go to a pub even though a nice pub). I also thought maybe the reason she's so nice is because she's just in elevated mood about life BECAUSE her dates aer going well! plus her son is staying which also makes her happy. God I really don't know. I'm surprised you are dismissive about these 'dates' or even one date, whichever it was. When i say she wasn't obviously flirting - there were still some looks and grins but no more than before, it was just more chat and warmth, she never asked what i meant by the texts

Myelin, I'm amazed at your mother - i suppose she's upset for the child. But if you will coparent and ex will be visiting a lot she shouldn't be THAT upset. Do you find some female friends aer a bit awkward around you now? it's silly but I know people immediately can think you fancy them once they know you ar gay.
outmy - I will send the letter if all goes well but nothing is being said by her. But if she falls for the guy there is no point is there? I will have to just stay friendly but whether it will be too much I don't know. I still am hoping a bit though. I will see quite a bit later this week, and will definitely try to find out whether these dates are something to worry about. I was busting to ask her 'is it a date' yesterday but I got all woerrked up and started imagining she'd say it was not my business - then the moment passed. But i will ask, preferrably when she's a bit drunk . Haha, she didn't put the cardthere herself, or for me to read - she displays cards all in one place and she had some older ones there, I juts notice new ones when I visit.

will see her

thanks from a guest