Welcome to the Turning Tavern III

[Crushinghard]

A continuation of the TTII thread for women unexpectedly finding themselves attracted to other women.

caomina and tonne,
You are both sensible women right? So you have thought of the possiblity she is as scared as you are?......I fancy the pants off girls but wouldn't have a clue what to do with one...and most people would think me to be very heterosexual.
Would either of you dare make a subtle move?
God it's hard isn't it? I am watching you closely, to see what to do if I actually meet someone (apart from scream and run away)
Thinking of you
SS

hi outmy! sounds like you work day and night over weekends! is tomorrow a day off at last?!? I know what you're saying kind of, and I never ask wiq about her marriage or current dating as I'm scared she'll tell me she's interested in someone/has a bf, but I wouldn't see it as obvious interest from me as most friends/acquitances ask these things, it's just a bit of friendly interest usually. It couuld mean she set boundaries though (no personal life talk) - so both options aer possible. We did both mention exHs very very fleetinggly and neither responded in any way. If shethinks I guessed how she feels, why would she want to hide it ten? it's very irrational! if she thinks i know then the fact I'm not stopping to see her means I don't mind , and all my behaviour sshows i like her (including latest texts). Why NOT maje it slightly more clear?? I woiuld talk to her on personal topics if she wanted to. I'm definitely putting myself on the line more and embarassing myself more than she does! you did say she's likely to be guessing about my attraction from those texts, so I'm not too optimistic about this option being true. She could vee responded to texts in a more encouraging way but so far it's all quite neutral.

squashed, any ideas of those 'subtle moves'? so far my subtle (and not so subtle I thought) vibes are not making her be brave, even though i think she did do some (even more) subtle hints too.

Hi there everyone , I have been following this thread-I relate to it so much. Just got into my 40s and having "thoughts" lol. Just wondering if there is a update from CaoNiMa? I have been addicted and eagerly awaiting the update-I know her wiq leaves on friday, and CaoNiMa was inches close to saying something,I am honestly on the edge of my seat hoping for a happy outcome, unless I missed it on another thread? What if anything happened please? Mumsnet is not the easiest to navigate, thanks.

as I vaguely remember they are meeting today at a lecture, so hopefully Cao will update in the eve. welcome TJH1!
I noticed the thread next to this one atm is also about a married woman with a crush on a woman friend. Seems like an epidemic!!

I'm not unexpectedly attracted to women - I've known I like both since I was about 13 and husband no 2 knew this from the outset. (I came out to no 1 quite late on and he was pretty negative about it).

But yes, I've had feelings for a friend for quite a few years now. Originally it didn't matter because she was out of bounds as we worked together. I don't know what her own preferences are even now. I just wish we could be friends without all this angst on my part, as I'm not going to ditch my family.

Sorry about this, I replied to likeatonneofbricks message thinking everyone would see it and it would be on this thread for all, is 'reply' like a private message? Sorry again, my goodness I reckon I am computer/website savy but not doing great here.

Thanks likeatonneofbricks for update and welcome. I reckon I did not hit send! Yes, there is a epidemic on at the moment, spreading like wildfire.

TJH, I haven't received any messages so you must have not pressed the button properly! just respond under 'Add message' below the last post.
mumincov, yes, it's a frustrating situationm but would you rather - that the friend responded with similar feelings, or for you to stop feeling them? If it's too torturous try not to see her for a while, maybe it's the only thing to do, to lose friendship. If she's a long tern friend you must know something about her attituides, doesn't she know that you are bi? I mean if she was, you'd known probably.

*attitudes

thanks likeatonneofbricks ... thing is she's been long term single and has both out gay and straight female friends ... I sort of side with her being gay but don't want to ask straight out - she'd tell me if she wanted me to know.

to be honest, I suspect that a lot of this is in my own head, mountains/molehills etc...

hi outmy! I ve been worried what happened to you as you were very tired last time you posted and then disappeared, do you work these strange shifts (week on, week off)?
when you have time have a look at my last post to you, couple of q's there.
Yes Caonima's wiq going today and therewas talk of her helping to pack! hope she'll report.

Hello everyone! Sorry I haven't posted for ages - I have spent nearly every waking moment with WIQ. She left a few hours ago. And..... I finally told her how I feel. Kind of.

I've had so many opportunities this week. After the lecture on Tuesday, she invited me for dinner, but there were other people there too so we didn't get chance to talk privately. I had a deadline on Wednesday so worked all day, then yesterday I met her in the morning and we spent the whole day together, getting our nails and hair done, then dinner and drinks back at hers. I went to hers first thing this morning to help her pack and get ready, and gave her the cashmere wrap I bought her. She was delighted with it. I also gave her a USB with some songs on it, for her to listen to while she's away.

I left telling her right until the last minute. I helped her take her suitcases down to the car when the driver arrived, and as he was putting them into the boot, we hugged and I told her I loved her. I started crying. I told her how much she means to me, and how much I will miss her. We kissed on the cheeks about 5 times, and just kept hugging. I told her I loved her again, and she said she loved me too. I was so distraught by this point that I couldn't bear to stay and watch the car drive away, so I went into an art gallery that's on her street.

She texted me soon after to thank me for all the help and the gifts, and said we would speak soon. I realised that she obviously hadn't understood what I meant by "love". I texted her back saying bon voyage, and used a name for her that comes from a love song that contains her name

She just called me from the airport, and sounded normal. By some utterly weird coincidence, another very close friend of mine is flying out on the same flight. They know each other, and they are apparently sitting together. I wonder if WIQ will say anything to her.

Sorry again for the lack of updates! I will read back through the developments on the thread to see how you all are doing with your WIQ.

Lots of love.

CNM

oh wow Cao, it's getting emotional! I think she did understand what you meant as you were crying and hugging a lot - it was not just a breezy 'love you, see you soon!'. She is just not ready to respond and will now dwell on it. She may well have feelings but as she's always been straight, she may be being careful not to say too much until she's really sure, not to lead you on. This now sounds so similar to *sleepless' who confessed to her friend after they started spending all day every day together pretty much - i.e. it's definitely mutual, but her friend also kept saying 'I wisj i was gay, as I love you too'. Still don't know whather they got into full on r-ship as she's gone off thread. Yours is much better situation as she was still with male p, but also your wiq sounds more boho'ish and open minded. It's the age gap issues that also may worry her, but your story gives me some hope with mine who's also 20yrs older! I wish she gave in and spent much more time with me lke yours! it shows she's open enough to try things, and she did let you get close. Good thing she hasn't frozen or anything when you told her, the question is can she get involved properly, or is she seeing it as an emotional adventure in a nice sense but not something she'd act on properly. It's good she'll have time away to see how she feels.

easier to copy that post, some q's to you about your wiq there too - 'outmy, so are you planning to walk past her as you said before? how often can you see her? yes, all three option can be true about your wiq, you've covered them all . So you now have six weeks and should give it yr best shot. Maybe by now you will manage not to frezze as much? just rehearse at home what would you say if she again strats talking to you, or what to say if you walk past, it really helps. At worst you can always leave her with your number by he end of the six weeks. When you locked your eyes in the beginning, who initiated it?
I did lock eyes with wiq quite a few times by now... Last sunday just when i saw her (and it's been a mnth since last meeting) I really couldn't stop looking into her eyes while grinning in a very happy way, and she didn't look away for a while. Then it happened again when talking about this guy (I started it though). But she is hte one who looks away eventually. It happened before as well, and couple of times it was her who started. As such it hasn't led anywhere though. I think I need to do something else apart from this, as we can look at each other forever at this rate! Touching - I'm really terrified of, that's wher i do freeze as there is never situations where it would be natural and it can be intrusive if she doesn't want it'
any more ideas? you know the texts I sent - she does seem to play dumb, as you suggested she may do! what happens is, I send a text with something neutral but another sentence more 'provocative' - so she replies to the neutral part and doesn't mention the other sentence at all. If she was really put off she would stop contact, so it's not too negative, but what do you think? this happened a few times. Especially when i said I'd like less distance and that I think she'd emjoy my company if she didn't want the distance etc, she carried on as if i didn't say anything, and since also just normal, nice, texts with arrangements. I will see her many times next week so could do with your thoughts (or others if they have any suggestions).

I think after this putting herself on the line it's best for Caonima to let wiq get back to her which - she said they will talk soon! it sounds positive so far .

no 'which'

thanks outmy - so glad you are back on the thread as we both seem to like to get into the nitty gritty (and it really helps)! hopefully you are off work for a bit and can get some rest! you say you have 6 weeks, but how often do you see her - not daily, I don;t think!
It's very good that she is in charge of volunteering, and if it's up to her to suggest that you continue that would really be something to wait for! Although there is a small chance that she still is attracted but does not ask you to go on, but most likely she will ask if there is interest. The thing is you got into this impossible situation where no one can feel comfortable to make first moves. She already did once, so if she does it again she wlil feel like she is showing interetst again when you sort of said 'let's put it behind us' . It really depends what was the tone and eye contact during that talk and also last time. If you don't want to make any more moves, you still have to give some non verbal signals, if you want to encourage her. I mean ok, wait for her to talkj to you second time but be very warm when she does (or look genuinely pleased, maybe if it goes well hold eye contact a bit in the end, but nothing too pushy). Otherwise she may think that you genuinely lost interest. You could initiate a talk yourself on the friendly basis, after all that's what yo agreed, and then see whether she tries toprolong it - especially it would be clear if no one watching, as she could have done it last time BEcAUSE people were watching (and she'd look odd not ignoring you). I think if she doesn start anything for a week, you could, just pretend to be unworried/light hearted.
With my wiq - please don't sorry that i may not like your opinion! I definitely want honest ones. It crossed my mind many times that she may not be interested after all so nothing shocking - IF you can point out why you think this, and also you gave olts of other options anyway. She's not generally a game player at all - only recently we had a text talk about arrangements and she stressed twice that she doesn't like to mess people around (this was to do with being reliable in plans) and generally I know she's not the type. BUT in unusual situation like this, she could be, especially when it's to do with personal life, as I don't know what she's like in that. If she is playing games - what do you mean she wants out of it? not sure what you meant. Ignoring some of my comments could be also like silently telling me I'm barking up the wrong tree though and hopinmh I' will get the hint. Or it could be htat she's either not ready, or as you say waiting for a direct confession (I don;t know which, argh!)

look odd ignoring

I also want to add that she does give non verbal hints, rather than no hints. SHe LOOKS iykwim, like when I was sitting in a skirt with bare legs crossed (when it was hot) and she walked into the room the first thing her eyes went to was my legs, and it wasn't too furtive, but it's like she couldn't help it. This happened before too. Also when i was looking into her eyes last time without even trying to look away she kept the eye contact if a pleased flirty way. I'm a perceptive person generally and never had trouble in telling when men were attracted (not in obv way) so I really think she is attracted. BUT I'm feraing more and more that she is one of those who like these feelings to remain secret and a fantasy (i.e. prefers a conventioanl social image - and i did mention her friends and social life are vERY important to her). SHe may be even upset by these feelings and hemce off with me sometimes. I fear all this because she's not doing anything or saying anything, plus ignoring what I said to her by jut sstaying nice and polite. I still can write her a leetr if nothing develops in next two weeks or so - I just wanted to postponeit as i was hoping that i may develop these secretive feelings in her somehow, give it more time so that she wouldn't want to push them away? Of course it may not happen, and they may be just very mild.