The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To............... Amarillo?

[Mouseface]

.............. sorry, ran out of ideas tonight!

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I have a very abusive relationship with alcohol, vodka in particular.

Welcome to the Battle Bus, full of totally Brave Babes all on their own personal journey to sobriety. Some are there, some are still on their way and some aren't quite ready yet but stay on the Bus for a good old natter

Wherever you are in your quest to get back control of your drinking, we've all been there too so you're not alone, not by a long shot.

Come take a seat and say hello.

If you'd like to know the history behind this amazing journey, you can follow the links back HERE

See you soon x

Ah Joey that made me smile :) Yes I believe a dog would take my mind off drinking but I posted before about the fact I'm out of the house for 6 hours on 4 days of the week.

Would love a greyhound maybe, a rescue one up to 8 years old. Someone said they didn't mind being left alone and were like couch potatoes as long as you take them for a good spin everyday! What breed is your cheeky little fella?

soma mine is a toy(ish) poodle, completely the wrong sort of dog to be left at home all day because he's very active and has lots of energy.

I am out 8.45am - 3.30pm four days a week. To compensate for him being alone all day, he's allowed to sleep on our bed at night

Those are moreorless the hours I'd be away. Did you have him from a pup? How did it work out? I suppose this is a bit off topic (although we've established dogs are good for sobriety) so happy to PM you if you'd prefer x

Soma did you say DISARSTER as in Disarster Darling aka Craig Revel Hallwood? Because thats how I read it and it made me laugh out loud!

Right. Bloody Tesco and its open all hours availability. Can you go a different route? If you cant walk past it and you do go in it - can you buy a massive bar of chocolate instead? And leave? Im with you all the way. Please dont buy booze.

We are getting a dog. Im a dog walker too (hello Greyhound :) ) and I love it. Mind you - am about to feck it all up by taking up childminding instead (and we all know that kids are not nearly as nice as dogs). Did I just say that out loud?? But anyway. The dog I walk (golden retriever) is going to have a litter at some point and we will have one of her pups.... We all love her so much that we wont be able to resist one of hers....

And if Im not going back to work (deep sad sigh) when DS2 starts school in September then Ill be home long enough to look after it. Get one Soma and if you need a dog walker then youll find one. Ill do it for you!

Ive known quite a few retired greyhounds in my time and all they want to do is be loved and sleep.... Its a no brainer! Go rescue one!

Thinking of you Soma.

Hiya Blanket, SAF is in Ireland for the week:)

Thanks Slot. Any news on Ginger?

Dogs are excellent for sobriety - much better than children. I think its entirely suitable for this board... but I don't want to get thrown off the bus so I might PM you later.

I have nearly had an epiphany about my drinking - something to do with being tired - I need to think this through.

Exhaustion - must stay awake (no napping allowed for insomniacs) just get through it - wine later - reward for struggling through - incentive to stay awake.

I'm not making any sense - not even to myself - but it suddenly occurred to me that most loss of control (at home, not counting out at friends for the evening) happen when I'm really tired.

No news on Ginger Blanket, haven't heard from Thurso* for a while either. Hope both are doing ok?

Silly the situation with your father sounds impossible and I really feel for you. No, you are not responsible for him. You have done a lot for him in the past but his health issues are not your problem and, frankly, I don't think there is anything more that you can do for him that you haven't done already.

The only thing I suggest is that you get a new, cheap mobile and give him the number and tell him that your old one isn't working so well and you sometimes miss messages (that will stop you from having to pretend you've lost your phone and him wondering why others can contact you on it). You've probably already thought of that, though.

My grandmother was a bit like this. I didn't like her. I felt bad about that (she's dead now) because she was very fond of me. I found her irritating, intrusive, tactless and manipulative. Unfortunately, she lived in the same town as me and was always popping up to see me uninvited. I was pregnant and ill and I was meant to be resting, but she just kept visiting and driving me mad with her stupid opinions and childbirth horror stories. After my son was born, she was just as bad and it got to the stage where I was getting anxious and depressed because of her behaviour.

She went senile and was put into a home, so the visits stopped. However, I can understand how stressful things must be for you with the ongoing situation with your dad. It isn't particularly helpful of your mum to refuse to discuss him - that is rather unfair on you.

Blanket - hello fellow dog walker! I've just come back from three hours of walking (seven dogs - a busy day for me) in the pouring rain but I still love my job! Good luck with the childminding and the new pup :) How exciting.

Soma - get a dog!

Ooh it's busy in here this afternoon!

Soma I really hope you can resist walking into tesco today, because you've been so sure that you don't want to drink, and getting hammered is just going to make you feel bad about yourself. I don't know what to say to you really because I think I'm stepping off the bus into the sidecar of shame until after the weekend now, so those who live in glass houses etc. etc.. But I know you don't really want to drink tonight; try to find another way to treat yourself and lift your mood. Big hug {{{Soma}}}

I really agree about you getting a dog, I think it would do you good. It just takes some planning and getting the right dog for your circumstances. Pick the breed carefully - breeds that are more highly strung and likely to suffer separation anxiety aren't going to be happy being left for 6hrs, but there are dogs who will be content to sleep all day and make up for it by being with you all the time you're at home. I know you wanted a smaller dog, but I do think a lurcher or greyhound fits this bill. A greyhound/lurcher rescue will usually test their dogs arounds cats to ensure that they're cat safe. I don't think some of the larger rescues like the RSPCA will rehome to people who work, but some of the smaller independent rescues will.

My dog would be distraught if I left her for that long every day (she follows me everywhere, including to the loo, wants to be in physical contact pretty much the whole time and she doesn't settle when I'm out), but our family dogs in the past were fairly content to be left for six or seven hours as long as they had two decent walks a day and lots of company the rest of the time.

For all that she's a neurotic, clingy, incredibly demanding little princess - and not very bright, as you saw on the video - I would be without my dog for anything. She makes me laugh so much with her absurd behaviour and nothing beats always having a 'heartbeat at your feet', especially when you're feeling crap and need a bit of love and adoration.

Right, I'm going to compose my reply to Silly's dilemma now. Epic Post Approaching Alert...

Aaww Blankie I love you, your words are balm to my tortured, fucked-up soul. I'm drinking - bad bad bad I know :( so will stay away until I'm sober again. Lovely Mia has said she'd rather do that and I understand why. How are you babes?

I have a parent/teacher evening tonight so will probably embarrass DD - how selfish and crass is that? Ex-H is coming too and I know I'm still a little bit in love with him and would have him back (with certain stipulations in place, such as we couldn't live together) and I'm feeling sort of glad that his current relationship is making him really unhappy. Is that mean of me? But then I have to remind myself that my drinking was a total deal-breaker for him. His mum was an alcoholic and he used to tell me that I reminded him of her :(

I'll go now, try not to make a total tit of myself at the school and if you don't mind, come back and talk to you all later. I know I'm letting myself down but it would be a hundred times worse if I knew I was alone and everyone else was judging me. At least with you lot, I can be ME. I'm really worried that any drug at all will do for me, not just booze. Can anyone relate to that?

Wow, this thread moves fast! Knickers, dogs, aged parents, babes-a-struggling, I'm attempting to keep up!

SSSM I echo what the others have said. I had an alcoholic mother, who I know loved me, but who ruined my childhood and teenage years. She was also bipolar, and while I was at university, she would ring me constantly, demanding my attention and presence. Given that this was in the days before email, mobiles or texting, she still managed to make my life a misery. I guess I was a selfish student, too busy having fun and probably too immature to cope with her problems, but the guilt tore me apart (and still does, when I am feeling fragile)- I know exactly how you feel.

She died when I was 23, so the 'problem' went away, but a couple of decades later, I still wonder what I would have done in the long-term. Do we owe it to our parents to look after them when they are no longer capable of looking after themselves, or do they bring us up to release us into the big, wide world and be free? If we wash our hands of them, do we live in constant guilt of what may happen to them? It's a terrible dilemma.

But it's one thing if the 'child' is strong and in a good place; it's another altogether if the parent is harming the 'child's' stability and well-being, and hindering them from getting where they want to be ... I just don't know.

Day 14 here. I can honestly say I don't miss the booze, and it's made me wonder how much was addiction and how much was habit. However, I'm trying not to over-analyse while I'm feeling strong. Just glad to be nearly past the 2 week mark, and taking each day as a 24 hour period to add to my tally!

X-posted Mia, thank you so much for all the dog info. Remind me what breed yours is? Join me in the sidecar for now, we can at least snuggle up and bare our souls and that sounds good to me.

Your father is not going to be helped now anymore than he has been capable of being helped in the past

SSSM I think hopefully makes such a valid point here. There must have been all sorts of agencies and individuals trying to help him over the years but he was never able to help himself and probably never will be.

If I were in your position, I would not have anything to do with him. I don't say this lightly, I have had to have extremely reduced contact with my parents, ignoring their phone calls, etc. The thing is, I don't see why he needs to contact you at all? As long as there is something in his home to indicate who his next of kin is, you will be informed if he is taken ill.

Other than that, you don't need to be involved in his life at all. I realise that you are so lovely that this will seems callous and heartless to you, and only you can make that decision. But it sounds to me like you owe him nothing and just because he fathered you, it does not make him a dad.

It's not his fault he has mental health problems, but it's not your fault either. You are not responsible and in order to be the kind of parent you want to be, you need to take care of yourself first, others after. I honestly believe that he made his choice years ago and now it is too late to change his mind.

Please take care of yourself and your lovely family who love you, appreciate you, respect you and want you to be there for them, emotionally as well as physically, for many, many years x

Angel could he take a taxi? There is no way I would be sitting in a pub if I were in your shoes. You need to take your sobriety seriously so that he knows how much it matters to you and can be more supportive x

Soma I'm going through one of those phases when I think what the hell does it matter if I drink, life is short, we all end up in the ground anyway and I just want to get off my head for a bit - just in case you haven't realised, that's the 'little voice in your ear'. That's the alcohol talking. That's how it sneaks back into your life x

Joey tiredness can be a big trigger for me too. Tricky if you can't nap, though, what about strong coffee instead?

Dog chat is fine, at least we have moved on from knickers

Have missed you Carrie, such wise words about ageing parents! You were so young when you lost your mum, a grown-up but still very much a daughter.

I'm thinking too much right now about life, what we owe our nearest and dearest, what we owe ourselves, how to keep it all together. But what helps so much is to have found so many like-minded souls and we can spout our rubbish to eachother and no-one gets cross or impatient or judgemental. Priceless x

Btw, just realised I didn't make myself clear re. the new phone for Silly's dad. I guess you will have worked out that I mean that this phone would just be for his calls, so you could avoid them more easily.

Re. dogs - greyhounds tend to be relaxed and calm, but are not always very good with other pets or small children if they have a strong prey drive. Of all dogs, I would say they are generally less likely to be stressed about being left for a few hours but six hours is rather a long time to leave a dog alone.

From my own experience, having a dog is such a huge commitment. They need two longer or three shorter walks every day and, should they have behavioural problems such as excessive barking, they can be quite difficult to keep. I would always recommend dog training classes.

ps Blankie, disarster was of course Craig Revel Horwood, I love the man! And now I really must go, I'm beginning to talk gibberish! Laters babes!

Silly what a difficult situation with your father; it's hard feeling responsible for someone that you don't feel close to or even like, especially when they are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. He sounds very self absorbed and lacking in self awareness, presumably due in part to his mental health issues. Does he lean on your Dsis and other people too, or are you bearing the brunt of this? I think as people get older and become more aware of their own mortality, then they can start to panic a bit at how alone they feel. Do you think that might be why he's foisting these phone numbers on you and contacting you so often? Has he always been this demanding of your attention? Do you think he's aware at all of how uncomfortable all this is making you? I'm just thinking that if he's as lacking in awareness as he sounds, that he might take your thoughtful gifts as evidence that you love him to bits and just can't wait to hear the latest instalment of his drama. Do you think he intends to be so dismissive of you, or is that just another manifestation of his total lack of social skills and unpleasant personality ?

Whatever the reasons behind it, the situation is as it is, and all you can do is take measures to protect yourself. I guess I'm asking all the questions to try to gauge how much of his bad behaviour is deliberate, and how much stems from his mental health issues. For me, my take on that would determine how much I gritted my teeth and put up with, and how much I thought 'no fuck you, I'm not letting you manipulate me!'

The key thing, I think, is for you to stop feeling guilty about how you feel towards him. If you decide that you want to maintain contact with him because he's your dad and you feel some degree of sympathy for him, then I think it's a question of putting into place some boundaries to preserve your sanity. YY to the idea of setting up an email folder so that you don't get alerted unexpectedly to his emails. That way you can assign a time for checking that folder each day (or whenever), sit down with a cup of tea and think 'ok here we go... I am not going to let his dramas ruin my day - he is an autonomous adult' before opening them.

It sounds like you need to have a frank word with him about having other people ring you, or ringing you at work. If he's very self absorbed and manipulative, you might need to be very matter of fact with him and calmly state where your boundaries are... 'Dad I care about what happens to you but I'm not your carer. I live a long way away and I can't be on hand to deal with your crises. I'm sorry if that hurts you but you need to seek support elsewhere' sort of thing.

I think it's about taking some of the power back so that you are not at the mercy of him and his dramas. Feeling guilty about not liking him and not wanting to help him just leaves a gap for him to lever a reaction out of you with his manipulation. If you can accept that you don't have to like him or feel guilty for not liking him, do you think it would be easier to decide how much sympathy and time you can spare for him because he's your father, and not let yourself be guilt-tripped into giving more than that? I'm not sure whether that made the slightest bit of sense!

Aww Soma, thank you! And I'm so sad you are struggling - I haven't posted much recently as I didn't want to come across as glib and smug while I'm firmly on the bus. Even though you have given into the voice in your head today, take strength from how far your attitude and behaviour has changed since you hopped on this bus - it's a wonderful place, and I am absolutely certain that it has turned me around; of course, I always knew I was far from being alone, but my pride has always stopped me admitting my problem to anyone, and from that, never being able to have anyone else's take on the Demon.

Just promise me one thing? (and this is the teenage daughter of an alcoholic coming back here) Will you stop drinking now, so that you are sobered up a bit before the parents' evening? Do it for your daughter (and carry on drinking when you get home, if you need to) but please don't turn up half-cut at the school?

Soma if you've got parents' evening tonight and seeing ex, can you stop drinking now and do the drill??

Carrie and Mia, yes I can stop. I owe it to DD. Thank you for making me see that is the only sensible option.

Would be lost without you all x

And Carrie please don't feel you shouldn't post because you're afraid of appearing "smug" - it's your duty to tell us how good you feel and how you've got on top of this. It's inspirational, it really is x

Good evening everyone. Sorry I havnt replied to posts today but I have felt so bad all day so kinda avoided the bus, didnt think I could be constructive for anyone AND I have been stupid. I feel a fraud being here. I went to the shop earlier and got to the till with a bottle of wine, When I got to the checkout I said 'no hold on I dont want that' I left the shop with the rest of my shopping, came home and opened a can of DH Lager, I dont even like lager, I have drank half and I feel like pants now. I have tipped the other half down the sink.
This all stemmed from tiny little things that have really annoyed me today.
My dp even rang earlier and said I didnt have to drive him to darts as he knew how well I was doing. I've let him down and I've let myself down :(

But Angel you stopped and poured it down the sink - don't let this derail you!!

Soma well done for stopping now and not turning up hammered to DD's parents' evening. Have something to eat and a cup of tea, sober up xx