The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To............... Amarillo?

[Mouseface]

.............. sorry, ran out of ideas tonight!

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I have a very abusive relationship with alcohol, vodka in particular.

Welcome to the Battle Bus, full of totally Brave Babes all on their own personal journey to sobriety. Some are there, some are still on their way and some aren't quite ready yet but stay on the Bus for a good old natter

Wherever you are in your quest to get back control of your drinking, we've all been there too so you're not alone, not by a long shot.

Come take a seat and say hello.

If you'd like to know the history behind this amazing journey, you can follow the links back HERE

See you soon x

Ok I've made a point of not posting when I've been drinking, but I do lurk. I just had to say, though, that reading Faire's post to me actually made me cry! I shall post tomorrow when I'm more sensible.

I am also thinking about Soma - how you doing?

I suspect that to outsiders I probably don't look like I drink too much but it's the internal attitude to drinking that I need to address. I don't get twitchy if there's no alchohol in the house anymore but I know, deep down, that I don't have a healthy attitude.

I'm also now conscious of the health implications of drinking too much. I'm a LP and I don't want to leave my dcs sooner than I need to.

The attitudes and stories on this thread have been remarkable. I'm hoping that by posting I can adjust my thinking and not end up really harming myself directly or indirectly with alcohol.

Which cathedral Carrie? Is it called campanology or something? There's nothing like the sound of church bells, you're making the world a happier place.
There's a cathedral at the end of my road, I can always tell the time from the chiming of the bells. Can relate so well to your two drinking scenarios - I drink to get drunk, simple as that. Love what Faire said about you and DP marking the strength of your relationship in some way Mia, it sounds even more beautiful and meaningful than getting married.

I let myself down today big-time and feel I've let you all down too, after all the wonderful support I've been getting. The trigger of going to my folks was just too much and the minute I hit the M25 that was it - all I could see in front of me was an enormous g&t and when I got there I took the bottle from the drinks cabinet and poured two huge glasses. I didn't have my diazepam on me so I went and nicked a couple out of my dad's stash instead. Passed out on the sofa for an hour and then felt virtually sober - my tolerance must be so high. How is it that one moment you can feel so positive and in a flash all the good work is undone? I really can't wait to start the antabuse, because I just know I won't drink on it. But right now I feel like a hopeless case - anything to get me off my head and removed from reality for a while.

Welcome Celery I've only been here a while but have found a bunch of wise, empathetic and humourous women who are helping me to hopefully start a new way of living.

Hi Mia are you still drinking? Hope you're OK, you'll have read my sorry tale above but I feel better for sharing it. Onwards and bloody sideways I suppose

celery I think it's not just about what goes into your mouth, it's so much more about what goes on in your head. You have made a big step to acknowledge that what you think about drinking is not right - and that is a great place to start working on some strategies and plans to help you be in a more managed place. I wish I had done it then.

and... celery it would be so easy, in your position, to listen to all those peopel who say "OH you're fine, you're not drinking too much, and not too far over limits, and there are so many people who drink moe than you...." And some people would take comfort from that and carry on drinking, even they knew that their thoughts habits were dangerous.

Brilliant that you see it now.

soma

But one of the important things is that you don't use 'letting us down' as an excuse. It could be all too easy to think that you'd been 'bad' and therefore you might as well just cary on drinking tomorrow, the next day, the next week.... etc

Well actually, you haven't let us down. You've reverted to a familiar habit tonight. Tonight. That doesn't mean you have to indulge that habit tomorrow, or the next day.

Can you see it as part of an experiment? If so you've learnt something tonight - that whatever you did and whatever you thought, didn't seem to work as a way of keeping you from drinking. Fine. Lesson learnt. Next time try something different. What happened today does not negate any of the efforts you have made recently.

I hope that taking antabuse will give you another part in this big experiment of life. xx

venus you're so right. To the outside I think I look like a more-than-average-but -not-excessive drinker. On a 'good' week it can be as little as one bottle of wine over a weekend. But those good weeks are very few and I suppose it averages out at a consistent 30-50 units a week over the last 20 years.

I recognise that I have cut down a lot over recent years but now I'm the only adult in the house I can't pretend that all the bottles in recycling belong to someone else. I don't want to feel controlled by alcohol anymore.

soma I hope you're feeling positive today. During my mammoth babes-o-thon yesterday afternoon (honestly, it took bloody hours to read the whole thread ) I was really struck by how the tone of your posts changed. YOu sounded so desperate to start with but even yesterday you sounded much more in charge of the experiment. I see the support you've had here and it's already made so much difference to how you post. I hope you're being kind to yourselve today.

Today the sun is shining, (sort of!) and I'm feeling a little shakey. I'm feeling positive but a bit scared with lots of what if's floating around. I've also got a really sore throat which isn't helping matters. Still, I've made a start being here. I hope you ladies have a lovely day.

Morning all!

Grey how are you today? What are your plans?

Dearest Venus, the way you can assess a situation and bring something positive from what would appear to be a horrid mess is a gift. I'm so grateful that you're such a source of strength and kindness here, even though you've conquered your own drinking demons. I hope you don't think I'm gushing, I really mean it. Yesterday has made me even more determined to beat this and next time I go to see my parents I will try something different. I like the idea of treating this as a kind of experiment!

Celery I'm the sole contributor of bottles to the recycling, being a single mum also :) It's good to hear that you've noticed how my tone has changed and you'll find that for many others here too. I'm so glad you joined us. What are you planning today, how many DC do you have? Would a bank holiday Monday usually involve drinking? I've declined an invitation to lunch because I know the temptation to drink would be too strong. Instead I'm going to get out in the garden, come rain or shine, do some work and enjoy the wonders of nature. Tell us how you're getting on and I'll be back later. Good morning to everyone else.

Oh yes, wanted to quiz you dog owners out there. We would love a puppy more than anything in the world (already have a beautiful 10 year-old cat) but I work part-time and am away from the house for about 6 hours on 4 days of the week. Is it a non-starter to consider it?

Soma :( Please don't beat yourself up. As Venussaid, look on it as a learning experience. I know I was drinking indiscriminately, and never questioned what my triggers are/were. This thread has made me open my eyes, and so far it's working. You can gain something from yesterday, and be proud that you got as far as you did when you were at rock-bottom last week.

Baby steps!

Celery stick with us; You'll get fantastic advice and support here, however you decide to tackle the Demon!

Morning Carrie, thank you :) I'm sure I'll have plenty more learning experiences along the way! Have a lovely day.

Soma I work as a dog walker and would say that six hours is too long to leave a dog alone in the house. If you really want a dog, then you will need to employ a dog walker. These can be expensive - most dog walkers charge an average of £10 - £12 per hour.

Thanks Helpyourself. Well, I did drink last night. You're absolutely right - drinking isn't like the weather. Tonight, I am determined not to drink but may need some nagging...

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Hello and welcome celery you are in the right place for support and like the wise and wonderful venus says, it's as much about the thinking as well as the drinking.

My alcohol intake can vary massively from nothing at all, to full on blow outs. And I mean FULL ON. I don't like myself when I drink like that. Luckily for me, my current meds and diet are making sure that alcohol is off the menu.

Hello to all the other wonderful Babes.

Where is blanket?? Did I see Obrigada mentioned??

MsGee - 6 weeks? Really? Wow, you super star you! I bet you'd never thought it possible. I'm so so so pleased and proud of you. You really have got a hold of your feelings and the link between your emotional state by the sound of things. It's so nice to read positive posts on here, your news has made my day. xx

Soma - you are me. I am a huge fan of Diazepam washed down with vodka and I too use that remedy as a crutch when visiting my deeply toxic mother. She's not always been a bit 'off', but the up coming Baptism of my darling son has caused so much drama, that I am getting worried about by wonderfully kind and gentle father.

I will post about that separately.

The thought of the journey is torturous, sitting in the car is pure physical agony so I have to up my meds too. I hate how I feel when I go there. It's one of the only times that I drink vodka but I 'need' it Soma, just like you.

I can also relate to the feeling of wanting to remove yourself from the real world, just for a while, switch your head off, blur the edges, numb the pain.

When do you start the Antabuse? I think that you will stop drinking actually, I really do. You sound so dedicated to stopping using the drug. If you are ready mentally as well as physically, you stand a much greater chance of making it happen.

I really hope that it works for you. xx

Mouse The kind of family stress you describe is the ultimate trigger, isn't it?

Grey - you won't need nagging, you just have to decide and stick to it. Even if you take it a minute at a time, then so be it. If you really don't want to drink, then don't. If you don't want to drink but think you might, then you will.

Sorry to be so blunt and I am NOT having a go at you, I'm really not but you have to be beyond ready to stop or else you'll find a million and one reasons to start not drinking tomorrow or on Wednesday..... like today is a Bank Holiday and therefore a day off........ surely it's okay to drink today then?

Please don't think this is aimed at you, it's aimed at us all. We are all just as likely to drink if we let our guard down, even just a tiny bit.

Sobriety is not a given, you have to work at it each and every day. Yes, there are those on The Bus who have been sober for a longer period of time than others, but that means nothing if you want to drink, even the slightest craving can sneak up and kick your ass.

If we let the demon drink creep back in and ruin our resolve not to drink, where will we be? How can we preserve ourselves? How do we keep going, minute after minute?

I of course include myself in all of the above, especially given the bloody family politics that I'm trying to keep out of.

Staying sober is hard, it's anti social too isn't it? For me it's all about me being in control, I'm a control freak and obsessed with knowing the ins and outs of everything. I hate change, I hate not knowing what's going on, and I hate letting something get the better of me.

Drink in particular. I don't like me drunk, I don't like me angry because I've had that drink I swore I wouldn't........

It's bloody hard work caring enough about yourself and even others to not pick up that first drink.

Remember that we're here for the shit times as well as the 'well done' posts xx

Grey - yup! I NEVER go to my mother's without being 'self medicated' xx

RANT ALERT!!

I'm going to get this out....

Yesterday, my wonderful DF and lovely bro came to see Nemo. My DM was due to come too, after I cancelled going to their house (my mother was going to have a mini birthday party for Nemo and invite my sister and her four children, making it a 'free meal' day and a party all for them and not about Nemo - long story for another time) because we'd like to get the house ready for the Baptism. She wasn't up for the journey which is fine. I have no issues with that.

Anyway, my bro took me to one side and said that my DM had been moaning to him that I never call, text her, don't care since we moved away etc etc..... (we're 1 hour away, not in another part of the fecking world!) so both my bro and DF said that she hadn't told me she was unwell, so perhaps that's why I hadn't text/called her?

Then there is the festering, bubbling drama over the Baptism.... we want it here where Nemo will grow up, go to school, make new friends etc, not where my sister and parents live. My sister has 4 children, doesn't drive and relies on my DF and DM for EVERYTHING!

My DF is often coursed into helping her out, painting her house, by my DM. He picks her and the kids up, ferries them everywhere, gets her shopping for her because she can't manage..... oh, the reason that's she is a single parent is because she got married to him because she felt sorry for him! WTAF?? And the other father left her because she treated him like shit.

So my father is now faced with having to do 2 trips here and back to get my DM, bro, Gma, her and her 4 kids here, for the Baptism and then get everyone back.

My mother has asked my bro to ask hos mates if they driver some of her kids here. Again, WTAF? No-one I know, a stranger. Great.

My father was close to tears telling me all about this yesterday. My mother wants ME to hire a mini bus to ferry them all here, driver waits for hours and then back again.

How about NO!

My DF said he would love a day off from having to be a taxi for her. He said he wants to just enjoy the day without 4 screaming kids in the back of his car. He wants to spend the day with his daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren without worrying he has to leave to get her back.

My DF said to me that my DM has "got the witches coven involved" (my sister and her cronies) and not even bothered to ask my DF if he'd do all of this, it's apparently his 'duty'.

I had to invite her, because if I didn't, all hell would break loose. Oh, wait, yep, it already has.

I am so sick of my sister not standing on her own two feet. I am so upset about my DF having to be in the middle of it all. AGAIN. I'm worried about his health, he looked so pale and tired yesterday.

I want to call her and tell her that just this once, she needs to say thanks but no thanks and take the pressure off our DF. She is oblivious to the upset she's causing by expecting our DF to just do as she and my DM want.

Families eh?

Mouse when I think about all you have to deal with in your own life and you have to put up with this! Your DF does sound lovely (unlike mine who is the most selfish old man on the planet) and my DM is a deeply good woman with a martyr-complex and enables my hopeless/helpless 53 year old brother who has gone back home to live. I hope yesterday was the last day I have to self-medicate to get through being with them all!

Why the hell has your sis never learnt to drive? Is it about learned helplessness? (my bro suffers from that, my mum's fault). And it seems your bro has no car either, why's that? It IS too much to expect your DF to drive for what would amount to 4 hours (is that right) and I reckon that your sis needs to pay for a taxi or not come at all. She owes it to you and your DF. I know how hard it is, to stand up to family and that one often ends up feeling the bad guy when it's got nothing to do with you. I think you're brilliant to be coping with all this and having the time too to empathise with silly old me for turning to the booze and pills. Thank you so much :)

Grey I echo Mouse's words, just try to take it a minute at a time, that's what I'm going to try and do today.

Hi all,

Mouse that sounds like an awful situation, I have no advice but your DF needs to say no. Is that even an option for him?

soma we are more similar than you think! As well as already having 2 cats, part of the reason I was so angry with myself yesterday was that I was planning to go and 'see a man about a dog' as that is something I would love. Staying in bed with a hangover until the mid-afternoon put paid to that. I'm actually hoping to get a greyhound -grey is that what you have? I'm a pt teacher so would only need a dog walker for 3 days per week term time so it might be financhially viable. There's another 'meet a greyhound' next weekend that I will go to with my 2 dcs.

Well, I've been food shopping and bought some nice stuff, a selection of multivits and, most importantly, no alcohol. I will not drink today.

Mouse I have suffered family dramas this week too. Why can't people just let others deal with their problems and not get everyone involved? I do think that you DF needs to make a stand. I know he's probably so lovely that he wants to help everyone but I think he should make one journey to you and one journey home and bring all the passengers he can, but that's it. The rest will have to come on public transport, by taxi, hire a car, get a lift, hitch-hike, cycle, whatever, or they don't come at all. The sooner he stops pandering to them, the sooner they will sort themselves out.

Btw Obrigada is posting under the name slotrightin these days.

Hello Grey - one day at a time. Have you tried ginger beer? I know it sounds all Famous Five-ish, but it helps deal with cravings.

Mouse I can't believe your Sis! That's terrible. Would you be able to have a quiet word with her and explain your worries about your DF?

Well I dealt with the cravings over the weekend but I would so definitely have caved had it not been for the Antabuse. It was a weekend away so dinner with people for Friday/Sat night, and lunch on Sunday. That would have seen me pack away a good 7/8 bottles normally.

I did want to drink but I echo what has been said already about noticing that other people never were drinking as much as I was.

Spending the afternoon dealing with the weeds. That's a good plan. Scarily, there are enough of them to ensure a full afternoon. I am planning to bribe the infants to help.

Faire - thank you re Obrigada - I did think I was going a bit more mad

I agree with you all, he wants to say no, he really does but at what cost? An icy day filled with jibes from my DM about how my sister 'would have loved this and that'?

I know for a fact that more often than not, he does what will please everyone but himself, just to keep the peace.

I don't want her in my house, my sister, which is why we've done the after part in one of the local pubs. I've had to invite her because if I hadn't, I'd be cut out of the family by my DM before you could say "mousey is a meany".

I've seen how she is with them at my parent's house..... she screams at them and laughs it off by saying that because there's four of them, she needs to shout the loudest to be heard.

I need to go and set Nemo's feed up. Be back in a while to catch up again.

Massive hugs to those who are already thinking about drinking today and what time would be 'acceptable' to start...... or is it just me?

I have to say that by not drinking, I think that my weight loss has been more than if I'd stayed in the side-car. Mind you, I'm so small, I'd fit into anyone's pocket!

Back later xxxx

Help - "7/8 bottles easily" of wine? Over the 3 day weekend and with friends? Or just your alcohol consumption?

I'm so pleased that the Antabuse worked for you, well done on resisting. xx

If I had that word with her, which I do want to btw, I'd be in deep shit with my DM for 'encouraging' her not to come and therefore being selfish. Putting my son first would be being selfish......

My DM and sister are thinking of asking a family friend (not invited) to bring her and the children...... then he has to hang around waiting to take them all home again.

If she got the train, there's no way we (me or DH) could get them all back here without a minibus or large taxi.....

We have the Godparents staying here the day before so that's not an option, them coming with others the day before (plus I wouldn't have that, we've just go the house the way we like! )

She can't afford a taxi the whole way here and back (£60+)

I have an feeling that my aunt and uncle (if they are coming) will be badgered into picking one or two of them up.......

Anyway, she has had enough of my time, I'm off to sort Nemo out, he's licking Milky Bar chocolate eggs

Be back later xxxxx