The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To............... Amarillo?

[Mouseface]

.............. sorry, ran out of ideas tonight!

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I have a very abusive relationship with alcohol, vodka in particular.

Welcome to the Battle Bus, full of totally Brave Babes all on their own personal journey to sobriety. Some are there, some are still on their way and some aren't quite ready yet but stay on the Bus for a good old natter

Wherever you are in your quest to get back control of your drinking, we've all been there too so you're not alone, not by a long shot.

Come take a seat and say hello.

If you'd like to know the history behind this amazing journey, you can follow the links back HERE

See you soon x

more seriously carrie, that is why I usually suggest getting all the booze out of the house. If it's sitting there, it is so, so difficult to resist. You may feel pissed off about it tonight, but you will be glad in the morning - and you may even be glad by the time you head off to bed.

I know, Venus; I never keep any in the house, so much easier that way. And my children are upstairs in bed, so I ain't driving anywhere to get any.

Four days ago, I would have bundled them in the car before bed, and driven to the nearest town on the pretext that I needed a couple of things from Tesco's. That's a step forward for me.

I got some chewy (citrus-flavour) Bvitamins today.

Am very surprised that my B12 is normal, as there is not only the alcohol but also I am missing bits of my colon which absorbs B12.

And - following someones recommendation on here - I found some pillow spray, but not lavender because I don't like lavender (reminds me of hospitals) but geranium (from Boots)

and a new lipstick.

and went next-door to look at the guineapigs, and wonder if surely my dog could be trained not to chase one? (probably not...) I actually go and watch the guineapigs if I'm in a sad mood!

agree with venus about not keeping it in the house. I have 500ml for tonight, and 2 x 18.5ml for Tuesday.

The Tuesday bottles are in my car - and I know they will stay there! I have wondered if I'm in car crash tomorrow, and they search the glove compartment, what will they think of 2 mini bottles of wine in there?

Venus when you finally stopped, how hard was it? Did you have a feeling that this was it? I'm sorry to be lazy and I could read your back story, but what made you finally give up?

I know I have to give up, that I've come to the end of the road. But I'm finding it hard to see a way ahead.

soma I'm 50 and have been 'enjoying' drinking since I was about 14. Not often at that age, but I was always drunk at parties. My boyfriend and I once went to school drunk - for a laugh . I was (still am) shy so alcohol was my dutch courage at social events, and I don't think I ever started going out with anyone when I wasn't drunk.

In my 30s I was a heavy social drinker, and at home I was in a difficult relationship and used alcohol to numb the pain. Like someone else who posted here today, I remember having my first solo drink - which felt like defiance of a controlling husband. When we split up, drinking on my own became a comfortable habit.

Over the last 10 years my drinking steadily increased. I worked from home, so sometimes I would treat myself to a 'working lunch'. I was horribly secretive drinker. All the tricks that we know about here - hidden bottles, drinking out of a mug pretending it was tea. My poor dp didn't really know how much i was drinking, he was often bewildered by how drunk I could get on 2 glasses of wine - that is the 2 he knew about.

I knew that I drank too much, I knew I was unhealthy, and I tried at various points over the last 10 years to cut down, or stop, or go to AA. But always the excuses were there, and the elaborate bargaining (only white wine, only at the weekend, only from a special glass) I was holding on to a slippery slope made of polished ice, and I was wearing slippers. Of course I slipped back into my comfortable habit. I would have called myself a 'high functioning alcoholic' - I worked, earned, lived in a nice house, didn't beat my dcs...etc. But I look back now and I see how poorly I was actually functioning - always close to missing deadlines, being a pain in the arse at social functions, driving when I shouldn't have.

I tried to avoid coming on this thread when I first saw it. I just didn't want to read about a bunch of lightweight drinkers who were in control of their lives, and I was too tired to try all that effort all over again. But then one day I did read it, and I read about people who sounded a bit like me. Who were sad, and troubled and scared, and who found it difficult to stop. And inadvertantly and accidentally I got on board.

Was it hard? Sometimes - yes, sometimes - no, sometimes - so difficult that I was literally screaming out for help (or for a drink). I made all kinds of excuses, but I remember MIFLAW saying that I should try putting as much effort into not drinking as I had into drinking. And that's what I did (and still do sometimes). I don't realy on just one tactic to stop me drinking - I try to arm myself with many. I fear that my will power would be just too weak otherwise.

And I have had a couple of very short spells of drinking - once after the first Christmas, and then once during this winter when my dd was very ill. But it is not how I want to live my life. And neither lasted long. If anything they did more to reinforce for me that I am so much better and nicer to myself and others, and so very much more functioning in my life when I do not drink alcohol.

and..... (epic post continues).....

I don't think that I could see a way forward - this was not a goal that I was trying to achieve, nor a resolution to be kept, it was simply one day (or hour, or minute) at a time finding a way to keep sober for the next hour (or miinute).

Using every ounce of support on here, trying every idea (even if they didn't all suit me).

And finding that it did gradually become less of a struggle.

As I sit here tonight my dp is drinking a whisky. And I know there's some wine in the house. But it's not what I want or need. I never imagined I would be saying that.

venus I'm not sure what to say in response to your post - everything I can think of sounds trite. But what you've said has touched me. Thank you.

day 20! that has a nice ring to it

how is dd now venus?

silver - one thing i've noticed though that all the alcoholics i've heard share at aa have in common is that they were fearful in childhood. whether it was because home was actually scarey so it was rational to be afraid or whether it was just part of their temperament to feel unreasonably afraid and small. everyone (and lots of people share back and echo things they related to) seems to have shared this fear and connected their drinking to that fear. many seem to have found they experienced alcohol as the answer to that fear - though it then became a feeder of that fear and brought more of it into their lives.

i don't think realising what your drinking is about and what may have contributed to you turning to drink necessarily gives you an excuse - it can give you clues as to what you need to change/avoid/deal with in order to avoid triggers and drinking. it can be that you 'treated' something with alcohol that still needs treating and if you can treat it in healthy ways finally it makes it easier to drink.

i find the idea that it's just something with our brain that makes it physiologically harder to resist etc more excuse giving personally - if it is just an organic thing then we can blame our genes, see ourselves as helpless.

i find it easiest to not pin it down to one cause but to see it as an issue on several fronts - emotional stuff, ways of thinking, sensitivity to the alcohol itself and, personally, a lack of maturity in dealing with my emotions, my life, my problems, my relationships etc i'm seeing stopping drinking as being part of a process of growing up for me. i'm seeing that i've been letting a scared kid call the shots for decades.

sorry - epic post.

good morning and happy new week babes

I woke with dread this morning (after a night tossing and turning of course) but have dragged myself to work and the first thing I've done is log on. Thank you for your epic post Venus - we're a similar age and our drinking careers have much in common. As you say, it's so good to come here and find people you can relate to.
You give me such hope and for you to say that alcohol is not what you want or need is testament to your strength and contentment now. I've printed off your post to help me when I feel it's too difficult.

Saf another one here who grew up feeling afraid and I feel you are absolutely on the money when you say that alcoholism is down to a number of factors. Thank you too for sharing your thoughts - it's invaluable to someone in my position. And well done on day 20! The sun is finally shining and it'd day 1 for me! Hello to everyone else - hope you're OK Mia and Carrie.

I felt fear a lot as a child. I was scared of the dark and often had nightmares. The house we lived in was very old and a bit creepy - I thought it was haunted.

As a teenager, I was terrified of failing my exams. This wasn't helped by the fact that my parents threatened me with dire consequences (although they did not specify what these would be) should I fail.

Morning all :)

You sound a bit brighter this morning, Soma. You sounded so sad yesterday; drink just isn't 'all that' is it? Fab posts from Venus. I have a long, long way to go on this journey but over the last few months I have begun to understand and truly believe that drinking just isn't what I need, or even want sometimes. Although my learned responses tend towards the "I NEED a drink" reaction, what actually comforts me and calms me is a hot cup of tea, a bit of peace and quiet, and - shock, horror - a bit of time to process whatever's happened and how I'm feeling. I'm about six months into this cutting down/stopping business, and I have made real progress. You will too, I'm sure :) It takes a bit of time and energy but you can change your habits and your behaviours, and the more you do that the more the cravings for alcohol diminish (to be replaced by much healthier cravings for the things that your mind and your body really need). We can all do this together! :)

Ginger, haven't you got a phone call to make? :)

Silver, hope you're OK and your mum's comfortable. It must be so hard x

Saf, yes yes yes to your last post! I know this obviously isn't the case for everybody, but for me understanding why I became an alcoholic has been absolutely essential. And when I look back at my childhood, and even my parents' upbringings and consequent behaviour patterns, everything falls into place. It makes sense to me. I now know why I always felt afraid as a child. Understanding the root cause of my anxiety has actually been a life-changer for me. I'm not just a weak, pathetic person. I think I'm actually doing quite well to be where/who I am now, given my life so far! That said, I take 100% of the responsibility for my drinking. And I'm not using the past or family dynamics to justify my current/recent drinking, but I understand why I got into this mess, why I developed such an unhealthy and destructive habit. And for me that understanding and acceptance of myself gives me the strength to change my life. I hope this doesn't sound too melodramatic . I know some people aren't as introspective and reflective (and I can't tell you how much I wish I was like that ) but for me I absolutely had to analyse my whole life to make any real changes. I did go through a very difficult time trying to piece everything together and it was emotionally difficult and very draining. But it was worth it. Drinking was just masking all the feelings. Now, in some way, they are released. I am still very much a work in progress but there you go. Onwards and upwards as they say :)

Gosh, that's a bit heavy for a Monday morning isn't it? :o Well I had the worst night's 'sleep' . I. Hate. This. Wind. Anyway, I have decided that I am now back on track again after a difficult few weeks. I have my focus back. I am not going to be eating a load of crap ALL day. And, more important, today I am NOT going to be drinking.

Have a good day y'all :)

Morning All,
Im a bit boingy! Its a lovely feeling! I feel SO DIFFERENT since joing this wonderful bus. I went out Friday night. Had a couple. Very restrained for me tho I wasnt restrained. Just normal. Had a lovely evening and havent drunk for the rest of the weekend.

So totally alien to how Ive behaved for the past 15 years. Im smilling as I write this. So happy.

Now. Soma - welcome to Day 1. (((())))) we will look after you. We need to get you organised asap. So. What are you going to buy to take home with you tonight? I dont much like sweet cordial or such like - I prefer something more dry. Sooooo I drink of a night either cranberry and soda or ginger cordial and soda. Or I love a chamomile tea. Have you got lovely soft drinks in the cupboard? Lots of soda water, limes, lemons etc? To make yourself a lovely drink for when youre done after a hard day at work and its time to relax. AND - something sweet? Chocolate? A bag of malteasers? Cream egg? Get yourself a treat. Ok? And log onto us. We will be here for you..... Thinking of you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Talking of ginger - Ginger - when you get some time, will you pluck up courage and make that call please? I say this because I know it will help. Brace yourselves..... IVE BEEN IN THERAPY FOR 4 YEARS. I go every Thursday morning and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

I know for sure that my inner child has been ruling my emotions and as Im all grown up now - its not necessary. So my job is to look after my Little Blanket, stay calm and carry on!

Might make a t shirt for that!!

So Ginger - call if you can.

SAF day 20. I remember when you started. And now you sound strong and in control. Wise and a valuable Babe on this bus. We need you. I admire you. x

Right. Im off to pilates.

Soma I trot this book out every five minutes... people are going to get sick of me recommending it. But I read Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale and it changed my unhealthy perspective on alcohol immediately. Its a good read. An optomistic and healthy read. I recomment. Please go get it and read it. It wont do any harm and might even help. xxxx

greyhound how are you doing?

Morning all! No rain yet hurrah!

This bus is moving so fast, it's fantastic, but hard to keep track of y'all.

Soma what are your plans for tonight? How are you going to ensure that you don't drink? Make sure that you eat today, and don't get home hungry and pissed off. Buy supper in your lunch hour, so you don't have to go out once you're in. Have treats in and post here.

Morning babes. Not been posting the last few days, but lurking as usual and trying (and failing!) to keep up with all the developments here.

Scoundrel's post made me feel bad, because I'm definitely in that cycle of 'day 1 ... again'. However, the consensus seemed to be that lots of us go through that and it's OK to keep posting - we still aim to make the breakthrough one day, so I'm back.

I got to day 4 last week before I slid down the side of the bus into the sidecar. Had a big party on Saturday for the first time in years. Was anxious about how to handle it, fully intended to alternate alcoholic/non-alcoholic drinks. Of course I utterly failed to do so and just drank wine steadily throughout. The only bright side of it is that I didn't make a complete twat of myself as I have done so often in the past. I think I was a little more conscious of the need to have some restraint at least until everyone went home. So, hungover yesterday, but that didn't stop me.

So, today is day 1, but of course the house is now full of the booze that people kindly brought to the party. I looked at it yesterday and thought I could easily get through that in the next week or so, but in a normal house it should last for weeks or months. Maybe I should lock it in a cupboard and give DH the key?

I am finding this board extremely thought-provoking. I am drawn to reading it and there is amazing support and advice on here, but I have to say I have it too, because it is making me confront the fact that I DO have a problem. I cannot carry on like this. I am even considering going to talk to my GP about it, but I am really petrified about the confidentiality thing. I teach, and whenever you apply for a new job they ask if you have any health issues. What if they found out somehow? I was even more terrified to hear of someone else on this thread whose GP reported them to Social Services. It feels like too big a risk to come clean even to a doctor. I am so fucking ashamed to find myself in this position.

Sorry, just rambling on. It's that Monday feeling - I have to make this week a better week, but I don't have the self-belief yet to say it will really happen.

me, me, me. Sorry. Blanket you sound amazingly positive these days, and SAF too. Hope you're OK Soma, and Mia - are you back on the bus today too? Venus, thanks from me too for sharing your experience. It is so good to hear that it can be done.

typo - meant to say 'I hate it too' - no offence intended!

Interesting thoughts on child hood. I agree that it must have bearing on why we started drinking. But not every person who had a fearful childhood ended up as alcoholics. I think a combination of the trigger that started us on the road to self destruct, combined with the lack of an "off switch " in our brains is sadly a very dangerous one.

Have a happy Monday babes x

Ps mum is settled in nursing home and much happier thank god

see i'm beginning to wonder if we just 'are' alcoholics. as in it wasn't the childhood fear that caused it - the childhood fear just seems to be a common experience of alcoholics. as in we're weird from the start THEN we add the booze in. that doesn't make much sense logically but it is SO weird how much alcoholics have in common about their thought processes, their feelings, the way they deal with stuff (or not), the irrational stuff that no one ever understood until they shared it with alcoholics and everyone nodded their head knowingly. it is very, very bizarre i'm finding.

i'm thinking the alcohol is just one part of it - because people can take out the alcohol and STILL think, feel and act like an alcoholic until they address the bigger issues. god knows - maybe it will never make sense to me.

soma - great news that you're on day1 - lean on us, vent, whatever. just don't have a drink today. simple eh?

silver - glad mum is doing better.

have just noticed that my bluebell field is out in bloom finally. will let the boy pick some for his teacher tomorrow i reckon - he is a right little creep so he'll love that

having a very lazy day - dog walking was a nightmare - seems to be a whole new network of ponds and swamplands in the fields. had to scale a rickety old wall to get out of the last field without wading waste deep in water

Hi ferfux I missed scoundrelgate, but caught up later; and although I am even more sober than her I can and can't see where she's coming from.
It is frustrating to see babes stop for a few days and then drink unhappily again, but it's hardly unusual! I certainly feel that I needed every drink I drank to get to the point of having to give up- just as in recovery, there are no short cuts to geting sober there is rarely a quick way of reaching rock bottom. If for some reason I had stopped drinking years ago (moving to the moon or a contraindicated drug), I would not be as well as I am now, and would surely have the posiibility of abusing alcohol in the future. So it's frustrating, but inevitable.

The GP in question reported the poster as she disclosed that she'd drunk driven her children- it was a child protection issue. I think you'd have to report your concerns (as a teacher) if a child disclosed similar?

Is there anyone else you can talk to if you don't want to see your GP? What about AA?

saf I believe I was born an alcoholic. If I'd been born into an alcohol free society I would probably binge on anger or food, or destructive relationships. I feel lucky that it was alcohol and the solution was freely available to me.

Good morning everyone! It's not raining here (yet!) and hopefully will be able to walk the poor dog later... last night he was so bored he started playing with the paper in the recyling box

Yes I am perky this morning - my 'controlled drinking' / alcohol-free-days / whatever you call it - seems to be working. And i hope that after a few years it will become a habit....

Am still worrying about Wednesday, but have decided to apply the same rules that I used last weekend at in-laws (no pre-dinner drinks, alternating with water etc). Already feel disappointed that I won't get BILs 'special' G&T - I wonder if he could create a non-alcoholic alternative? maybe elderflower?

I know they will be understanding, encouraging even - also I remember that BILs mother (who lives with them) is seriously ill, so respect and dignity will be required. No falling over or throwing up.

Afternoon, been a while since I posted but have been reading every day, (former posting name was obrigada), it was something Greyhound said about the different types of drinking we indulge in that made me delurk and post.
I am not a home drinker, am more of a binge drinker, when I visit friends or go out for an occasion I can't seem to find an off button, and even reach a stage where I am not particular about what I drink. So I am going to take a ticket and take a seat back on this bus!

Thanks for your reply help yourself I do get why the GP had to do something in that case, but it still scares me that another GP might think a parent with an alcohol problem was automatically a child protection issue. I did try AA a few years back but I didn't feel comfortable with it though i couldn't really say why. I should maybe try and pluck up the courage to try again.

Scary to think I haven't hit my rock bottom though. It makes me think what is the point in even trying to stop in that case.

Hi everyone. I'm lurking and reading but feeling a bit flat and monosyllabic at the mo. I identify very much with the fear thing that's being discussed.

Hi ferfuxake yes I'm back on the bus today. Not drinking until Friday now.