The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To............... Amarillo?

[Mouseface]

.............. sorry, ran out of ideas tonight!

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I have a very abusive relationship with alcohol, vodka in particular.

Welcome to the Battle Bus, full of totally Brave Babes all on their own personal journey to sobriety. Some are there, some are still on their way and some aren't quite ready yet but stay on the Bus for a good old natter

Wherever you are in your quest to get back control of your drinking, we've all been there too so you're not alone, not by a long shot.

Come take a seat and say hello.

If you'd like to know the history behind this amazing journey, you can follow the links back HERE

See you soon x

alias presumably you won't be drinking on tuesday if you are drinking on wednesday then?

agree about the doc - i'm an ex teacher and have done counsellor training (both of which deal with confidentiality) you can't keep confidentiality if someone is at risk, especial caution when it comes to children due to the child protection act. they won't disclose because you are a teacher or a mum only if you say you are getting pissed and harming or endangering them in some way.

you don't have to hit rock bottom to stop. and by the way you may have had lots of rock bottoms along the way and picked up and started again repeatedly OR you may have been living at your rock bottom for so long that it seems normal and you've decorated it with soft furnishings and lots of booze. the must hit rock bottom thing does not mean you must carry on drinking until you've lost everything. rock bottom really imo is facing that you are utterly powerless over alcohol - just staring it in the face. some need to lose or totally fuck up their kids to do that or kill somebody drunk driving etc others are lucky enough to know it before they do anything that terrible and irreversible.

welcome back obrigada wondered how you were doing. will try and cope with name change - slotrightin!

Don't be scared- I think of Rock Bottom as being an emotional point of no return, nothing more. There were no consequences at all of my last drink- it was in secret, I didn't pass out or throw up, just went up to bed thinking I can't do this anymore. but in retrospect

same as help. i really don't know what switched in me. i'd been drinking a fair bit in the preceding weeks but nothing unusually terrible had happened. i'd had a few black outs that i felt cringey about and i'd bloody well struggled with the easter holidays and ds but....?

something just finally gave - i just saw that i was going round and round in circles and it needed to stop and i couldn't make it stop so i needed to do something to get help.

bizarre actually. i think part of it was that i was envisioning my life moving on and who and what i wanted to be and actually the drinking was maybe like a ball and chain dragging me down. maybe it was the looking forward and daring to want and to hope and to move on that made me want to ditch what was holding me back? don't know. sorry for introspective naval gazing.

and here's a funny thing. when i was drinking i thought there was so much wrong with me and who i am - SO much. and i drank sometimes just to deal with that shame and this sense of not liking being me, in my skin. and since i've stopped drinking i'm feeling like, dare i say it, actually there's quite possibly nothing wrong with me whatsoever. it was the drink that was wrong with me. what i saw as a symptom was actually the cause.

(i'm going to look and feel such a twat if i fall off the bus spectacularly in the future at this point though i really don't think i will let that happen and i need to dare to put out there how much better it is and i feel not drinking anymore)

SAF actually I just realised that we're going out tomorrow night, so I can't drink (I don't know the answer to your question though - I would probably have tangled myself in knots trying to decide)

So the mini bottles stay in my car a bit longer DH thinks I'm crazy "They're tiny little bottles! Can't you just bring them in and not drink them ?" . Errrr, no. They're safer where they are.

it is insanity isn't it joey? (no offense we've all done the madness)

hello mia how are you doing? Have you been able to take your wee dog out today?

SAF who's insane? Me or DH?

Or both?!

saf you're doing everything you can to make sure that never happens.

I also think it's important that those of us who have found a solution are honest and say what's hard and when it's easy. For example the rock bottom- I'm sure the half baked notion I had of what that meant kept me drinking. I understood, probably because it suited me very well to think so, that it wasn't possible to stop drinking before you lost everything. I understand now that you only need to lose enough or hurt enough in order to have enough humility to listen and get well. It's called the gift of desperation in AA. I do hope this is helping others, but for me it's lovely to reflect on how far I've come and be grateful.

you and your mini bottles of wine in the dashboard and the elaborate trips needed to get to the supermarkets who sell the little bottles the whole shebang. and people drinking out of cupboards and mugs and hiding alcohol round the house. it really is insanity that we have in us.

grr over bolding.
If I may:

For example the rock bottom

I'm sure the half baked notion I had of what that meant kept me drinking. I understood, probably because it suited me very well to think so, that it wasn't possible to stop drinking before you lost everything. I understand now that you only need to lose enough or hurt enough in order to have enough humility to listen and get well. It's called the gift of desperation in AA. I do hope this is helping others, but for me it's lovely to reflect on how far I've come and be grateful.

yes i'm doing as much as i can.

i've booked flights to ireland on sunday and asked my parents to have ds for nearly a week whilst i go there. the friend i'm staying with is an alcoholic and has offered me to go there, child free and be able to attend meetings every day and be around people who get it and just focus on that. it seemed a very indulgent idea at first and not very good mummy-ness but i decided that actually in the long run me staying sober and sorting myself out is worth far more to ds than me being here for a few days.

i really, really don't want to go back to drinking.

Hi Blanket I'm okay, thanks for asking. I did drink at the weekend but not as much as usual. Bought four bottles of wine and still have two left after three nights of drinking.

Still battling with the booze. It's just so irritating, having these cravings.

saf your week in ireland sounds like it will be good to focus on you and your health.

Ever read 'Rachels Holiday' ?

I've been on this bus before for brief periods but really need to get back on and stay on. I can't post much becaue I'm at work but I'm sitting at my keyboard almost in tears because I feel so much self loathing and disgust and shame and guilt. 3 times in the last 3 weeks, my 9 year old DD has seen me fall down the stairs, drop my dinner all over the floor and try to clean it up with my shoes and fall backwards into the bath when i was brushing my teeth (none of which i remember). I promised her after the 2nd time that I would make a promise to her one day at a time that I won't get drunk today. She doesn't get angry with me, She just has this awful disappointed look on her face. She's so much happier when i'm not drinking, it's like behaving like I am is basically saying that gin is more important to me than she is. I don't really drink more than I used to, in fact before I had kids, I used to drink a lot more but the way it's affecting me now is my body's way of saying that I can't take it anymore.
I will post again later but just quickly wanted to ask if there are any non AA based support groups. AA just isn't for me -I've been to a few meetings but I just know it won't work for me. But I am a huge believer in the power of groups, I finally quit smoking by attending an NHS group after about 50 attempts to do it on my own.
I'm so grateful for this bus, I just need to stay on it. Anyway, today i will definitely not be drinking.

yes - i loved that book alias. very trashy/lite but i really enjoyed it and it did make me think.

hi upsy - sounds like things have gotten really messy. how old is dd? i'm afraid i don't know of any other groups - you need to look at your local alcohol services and see what's on offer. there is a place here that offers groups, one on one stuff, all sorts but it isn't national just a local charity.

upsy I have 2 daughters, 8 and 10. I am
day 4 on this bus, mainly because of them, but also because I know I cannot carry on in this destruct cycle. They haven't twigged (yet) why I sometimes can't even string a sentence together, but I agine that won't be long. My own mother started her long alcoholic voyage when I was about their age, and the memories of her incapacitated in bed when she was meant to be caring for me will stay with me forever.

I am determined not to allow history to repeat itself in my family. Join me?

upsy welcome aboard. You can leave the shame and guilt behind - as you say, take it one day at a time. When did you last drink? (if that is ok to ask).
I don't go to AA, I use the board as my support

ahem having said that I cannot believe you have all got to 12 pages before I even jumped aboard. I am so sorry, particularly following the amazing support I had last week.

All ok in Gee-land ... still not drinking. In fact I have stopped counting the days - its 5 weeks I think. Like saf I don't want to go back to drinking. Part of me thinks that I don't think I can keep this up forever ... but when I think about it - I just don't see what drinking will contribute to my life.

So quick update in case you are all desperate for news on the exciting world of LittleMissGee = she is still a nightmare at night, nothing will appease her other than co-sleeping with me, she is poorly and feeling sorry for herself at night (unfortunately she has passed the lurgy onto me, so we are both pitiful!), she is also beautiful and funny and the light of my life. (sometimes I wish I wasn't anonymous, I really want to share photos of her with you all - however, one or two of you might be able to confirm the wonder of her from the evil fb ).

Horridbabydoll has been slightly replaced by a new baby doll which DD received from a neighbour for her birthday. I am not sure whether HBD will seek vengence.

I am still struggling with work vs life vs DD balance. But I remember the lovely words of saf and congratulate myself on the bad days - I have built up a good business on nothing other than my hard work.

Oh and I have done something I have been meaning to for ages - doc, dentist and optician appointments made. I need new glasses and have ordered funky new specs (awaits JWN to come along and tell me that they are very last season...). Next stop is doctor, dentist, then a fab new haircut. My plan is be to glam for when I turn 40 (I have three years, but there is much to do ) In five weeks of non drinking I have also lost a pound. Yes ONE POUND

upsy re for another group, where are you? I know of something in Croydon and there is rational recovery as well. I don't know whether any of those are near you. TBH AA is available, are you really in a positiion to dismiss it without trying it again?

Lovely to see you msgee and littlemsgee sounds a delight

Upsy you could try looking at smart recovery - they have meetings across Uk (although nowhere near as widespread or as often as AA), and they have online meetings and info. here is the link: SMART RECOVERY

Hi Joey haven't taken pooch out; DP will do when he gets home from work. I should've taken her this morning, as it's been a nice day for a change, but by the time I'd had a bath, faffed about, eaten etc there wasn't time before my physio appt. I've only just got back from that and now the dog is pootling round the garden looking for somewhere to hide her pig's ear.

I'm reading all these posts with interest and finding them helpful. Also enjoying reading people's updates and news. Hello to new posters, sorry I'm not contributing any advice or anything.

I'm ok, just haven't got much to say.

I've taken the remainder of the bottle of white out of the fridge to minimise temptation there. I'll put an extra big glug of it in the risotto tonight, try to use it up. DD at DxP's until tomorrow so all peaceful here. Looking forward to watching a nice bit of subtitled telly later - can't do that when pished, as can't keep up with plot+subtitles simultaneously, so that's a treat for sober nights. Might start The Bridge we've got recorded on sky+.

msgee. i have 4 years to go but i don't think it's long enough! think yourself lucky you've lost a pound - i've put on at least 10 in 3 weeks! like you i can't think why

Hello ladies,

I'm now day 4 and feeling quite grotty! I've been having headaches everyday since I stopped drinking and just generally feel irritable, not pleasant. Mind you, hangovers are not much fun either and I'm sleeping better. Approaching the hardest time of day now, always want a drink when I'm making dinner, will try and make do with a cup of tea instead! It's so tough but we all know it will be worth it in the end!