Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Do i leave the kids????

166 replies

sunshine2709 · 23/04/2012 15:57

I am currently living in London with my partner (planning on getting married in December), our two year old son and one year old daughter. I recently got accept to a University back home in Scotland so i will have to move back home for sometime.

My partner no longer wishes to relocate even though we discussed it before i applied. So the problem is he wants me to keep the children here with him while i go to study.

From were i will be studying it's around 12hrs on bus away from London. He has said we will see each other every weekend and on holidays.

I would like people to be honest...
Does this sound reasonable? or should i take the kids? (this will make our relationship finish)

If i did leave the kids and in the future something went wrong would i still have rights to my children?

I want this to work but i don't want to lose my kids in the long run.

PLEASE help i would like to try this as love my family but i would love your advice and honesty.

HELP PLEASEEEEEE!!!

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 23/04/2012 20:14

No, we are not, we should report if we think it is. :)

everlong · 23/04/2012 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlipperyNipple · 23/04/2012 20:17

I'm comfy on the bollocks bench....bit hairy but quite warm.

SarahStratton · 23/04/2012 20:19

Bouncy too.

everlong · 23/04/2012 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahStratton · 23/04/2012 20:25

Cin cin ever Wine Wine

everlong · 23/04/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlipperyNipple · 23/04/2012 20:30

It's a large bench, room for all.

It's so unsatisfying when they never come back to say anything....even that you are a load of gullible fools. I notice nobody is telling us to stop being evil to the OP.

SlipperyNipple · 23/04/2012 20:31

I'm actually slurping gin and tonic in real life....it's been that sort of day. As soon as kids were in bed cool gin was all I could think about.

everlong · 23/04/2012 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2012 20:42

OK,several points jumped out at me from the OP:

  1. "He has said we will see each other every weekend and on holidays. " Really? When the travelling will take up 24 hours of each weekend? Completely unrealistic - and he must know that. It just will not happen. And for every weekend you try to do it, you will tire yourself enough to affect your ability to study.
  1. "So the problem is he wants me to keep the children here with him while i go to study. ... or should i take the kids? (this will make our relationship finish)" End? Is this what you think, or, is this what he has said?
  1. Having discussed relocation, your partner then agreed to it. Was this a reluctant agreement? Or did he not expect you to be offered a place? What has changed for him to now refuse? Or does he often change his mind, in a way that leaves you worse off?
  1. Not very important, just for background - you say you discussed relocation with your partner before applying, so is the course you want to do only available from this one university? What made it necessary to apply for a place so far away? And whose idea was it?

TBH I am thinking along two equally bad lines.

Either:
he doesn't want you to go to university. He wants things to stay exactly as they are, which I suspect is with him in control (of you, money, the house etc). He doesn't want you to better yourself or your job prospects and thereby change the power balance. And if he can destroy your ambition and make it all your own fault, so much the better.

Or:
He wants a separation but to be the RP, and thinks that this would help to make it happen.

Sad Sad Sad

SlipperyNipple · 23/04/2012 20:42

It's been odd on here for ages. I only joined a few years ago and I think most posts were the real deal...now I doubt a LOT on AIBU. Not that I usually say anything. Don't even mind if they are clever and entertaining.

SarahStratton · 23/04/2012 20:47

Think you joined the same time as me Slippery. I've been here just under 2 years nearly, but I'm not sure if it's got weirder here or if I've wised up and just go Hmm at most threads.

Sargesaweyes · 23/04/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deadsouls · 23/04/2012 20:49

No don't leave the kids....can you not defer the place or go to a uni nearer, I don't think you should even consider it. It would be potentially damaging for them and you

everlong · 23/04/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeakAndWeeble · 23/04/2012 21:21

My Spidey senses tend to twinge when posters use :D or :P or XXXXXXxxxXXX or (((((hugs))))), but I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and think well, perhaps they wondered away from NetHuns and got lost.

But.

I have noticed recently that alot of the bollocks threads on AIBU are being posted by people with numbers in their name.

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 23/04/2012 21:40

Hello
We have moved this thread to relationships
Thanks
MNHQ

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 22:25

Can you not afford to go to a university in London?

If you take up a university place in Scotland, do you have family you can live with or who will help with childcare or are there creche facilities where you'll be studying?

If you leave your dc in London, who will care for them?

Voidka · 23/04/2012 22:46

Has the OP not come back yet? Strange as she was so desperate for replies!

boringnickname · 23/04/2012 22:54

I think the OPs head exploded from the PRESSURE!!!

LesAnimaux · 23/04/2012 23:04

OP, how do you actually feel at the thought of leaving your DC?

Personally, it would absolutely kill me. I'm wondering if there is something underlying here that is stopping you feeling attached to your DC.

liverLadyLass · 23/04/2012 23:11

why would you even consider leaving your children,
you sound very selfish sorry,
why can't you wait till your children go to school then study in London, in a uni there?
they are still babies, they need there mother and father,
and sharing them by you having them one week then him the next is awful your babies will never be settled,
I can't believe you have even considered it quite frankly?
poor kids!

tosendornottosend · 23/04/2012 23:12

I think the op is desperate because she is beginning to realize that her fiance is capable of a hell of a lot of emotional black mail to "keep her in her place".

They have moved to London, away from her family.
He has promised they would go back to Scotland so she could study.

Now he says that
a) he wont move
b) she can study only if she leaves her babies behind

and he might have insinuated that if she takes the children and leave, it will be the end of their relationship.

OP. Dont marry this man.

Run run like the wind, with your children, to Scotland, to your uni course, to where the air is fresh and the mountains fair!

SkinnedAlive · 23/04/2012 23:39

I think it depends on the degree to be honest. Something like medicine where there are constant exams and practicals, you will need to work and study every weekend. So you would see the kids holidays only pretty much. But for other degrees..........to be honest some are only about 16 -20 hours a week. No or very few practicals. Home study if the materials are online is almost a possiblilty. So you could really be 5 days at home 2 days there (excluding travel time).