HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

[loganberry12]

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

Listen to teaandcake - she's right!!

How are you doing Logan?

i text him this morning asking him if he wanted to come and sit down and talk while my little girl was at nursery, he text back "i have to work, you have been here & stirred up a wasp nest. When i got back last night my boss was still here and i got the third degree. You've just made it worse & i'll probably have to go through it all again this morning. Just leave me be for a bit."
i then said well if its over and you dont want to try again say so i know, he replied "at the moment im still furious, i have to work with these people, now im the laughing stock. Every time im calming down you text and wind me up again. there is no answer at this time."
i replied, your furious im bloody furious too about the way you've treated me and the kids, but im prepared to give u another chance, your the one who's done wrong remember that, you should be apologizing not me.
so now im left again waiting for him when he's ready to talk!!!

I really wouldn't text him again. Write things down on mumsnet you want to send him or start a journal. It is best to leave things for now. No matter how cross you are.

He made himself the laughing stock-not you. Yet again he has managed to reflect his behaviour and blame you.
Time to set a deadline.
Give him until the weekend and if he hasn't made any contact assume that he is not going to contact you.
Then text hi to say that he has had his chance and blown it, you will be seeking legal advice and any futher communication will be about access to DD and nothing else.
Then his actions will really tell you if it is over or not

problem is i know he'll have to contact me by the weekend because is wages are in and i have his new bank card and pin number here, so he wont be contacting me because he wants to just because he'll have to nothing to do with talking i shouldnt think, he seems to be blaming me for all his mess

logan, he is blaming you for this

the blame isn't yours

I think you are making a mistake to offer him another chance on these terms

he should be begging on bended knee, not fobbing you off with "poor me, you have wronged me" bollocks

where is your anger ?

more to the point...where is your self respect ?

i dont think i have any self respect left im afraid , ive just had a bath and in my pj's and all i want to do is drive down to his work to see if he's there, ive become obsessed i think im turning into a bunny boiler

yes, you do still have self respect

but you are currently squashing it down, for what ? This man isn't worth you compromising yourself any further

it's in there, dig deep and don't contact him

my little girl sat on my lap this evening an burst into tears when i asked her what was wrong she said i miss my daddy, my heart just breaks he could leave her like this

that isn't any reason for you to compromise yourself, love

so what your saying Anyfucker is dont give him a chance forget him and move on? i cant do that because i still love him, remember it was him who left me i cant just switch off my feelings, if theres a chance we can sort things out im going take it i cant bare the though of my life without him we need to talk and spend time together it could all be healed

I am saying you shouldn't give him a chance on these terms

he is blaming you and taking no responsibility for any of his actions

if he were to come back now, and not accept he was wrong and use your desperate love for him against you, it would be a very big mistake on your part

the only way this could work in the longterm is if he takes the rap, puts the blame squarely where it lies and does a lot of work on himself to find out why he gave himself permission to disrespect the mother of his child so profoundly

if he does none of those things, you beg him, he comes back he will do it again

Yes Logan I know it's hard to accept but if he does come back on his terms with you being so desperate to have him back under any circumstances he will treat you even worse than he did before. Do you really want that?

Yes, he is the one who should be grovelling.

If you take him back on his terms, he will repeat this vile behaviour or worse.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it will help you understand what has been happening.

vile behaviour? HE left after a few years of unhappy, almost-sexless marriage. He complained that she moaned. She complained about his cannabis use (which he stopped). He did not (apparently) have an affair - the love has just gone - his side at least.

Logan, you have to accept that you cannot force him to love you, not by getting his workmates involved, not by emotionally-blackmailling him, not because your dd wants him back.

My mum did this - crying, screaming, rending of hair/clothes, mock-suicide attempts, being super-sweet and amenable to asshole-cowardly Father when he left her. It got her nowhere, he still left, and took much more from her financially than he was due. She crawled about after him on her knees, clinging to him, it was embarrassing, demeaning, cringe-worthy, hideous. And for what?

Let him go. If you make an interesting life for yourself and dc, he may see what he's missing, but it has to be his choice.

Captain - have you read the whole thread?!

A drug using man who after depriving his wife of sex, ran away and is lying, refusing to give his wife and DC money (instead using it to live it up on a weekend in Germany), mooning after a young female colleague, denying that he's having an emotional affair, refusing to take responsibility for his actions and finally blaming wife for being laughed at by his other colleagues.

Yuk.

Mad - I have followed the entire thread, and posted several times. I see a pathetic man (who apparently stopped drug use a year ago) who didn't fancy sex with DW, wants to be 21 again, doesn't want to admit responsibilty and fork out any money(but then show me a man who does) - yes i agree he might be having an 'emotional' affair, but not necessarily a physical one. He doesn't want the marriage to continue, that is obvious, so he's behaving as a single man.

But that is not necessarily vile behaviour that he has to grovel to apologise - it is, however, pretty par for the course with men like that.

Logan cannot do anything to 'get' him back if he wants out.

Yuk indeeed. The question is - Why would logan want him back, but he hasn't actually done anthing wrong. Morally questionable yes, but not abusive per se.

having a bad day today cant stop crying went out and just burst into tears in M&S burst into tears in my little girls nursery this morning luckliy not infront of the kids. Burst into tears when i spoke to my mum on the phone i cant seem to control all this emotion. He's coming to see my little girl after work hope i can hold it together :(

I don't know what I can say to help you other than the old cliche time is a healer. Things will feel better eventually.

Loganberry do you do anything to make yourself feel better/good eg a long soak in a bubble bath, buying some new makeup/clothes/hairdo? You need some tlc ATM and you may have to supply it yourself .

You need to detach from him as much as possible, communicating only about your dd and finances. Step away from the drama of it all and concentrate on yourself. If you are feeling really desolate please phone the samaritans - I was on the phone to them for over an hour at 2.00am when my dh upped and left.

If you want him back, you will have to do a really good impression of not wanting him iyswim. Get on with your life, get out with your friends again, be very kind and gentle with yourself, treat yourself, take up a long forgotten hobby, be the person you want to be and detach, detach, detach

Take care

countingto10 If you want him back, you will have to do a really good impression of not wanting him iyswim why do we have to play these games with someone you love why do men fall for the treat him mean keep him keen routine, its all so teenager stuff im 45 i know im acting like a silly teenager at the moemnet but do i really need to play these games? does it work?

Can you go out whilst he see's your DD? That may make it less painful for you, and help you to resist saying anything again and stirring up emotions in front of DD, or him for that matter. Make this visit just about DD.

Do you have a good friend in real life who will listen a lot and challenge a little? Sometimes having a good friend you can cry on and hug, is so much better than just mumsnet. I really feel for you. I found it so hard to accept it was over. This storm will pass but it is so so painful right now The feelings will pass with time, as others have said. The way ahead will be determined by the choices you now make, take one day at a time, you are going through a form of grief right now, the loss of your marriage as has probably been said below.

He doesn't seem to be showing any remorse, I doubt that tactic would work. I could be wrong though. Sometimes it can do. I wouldn't do anything for yourself with that reason in your mind. Do it just for you x

It's about teaching people how to treat you, it means having respect for yourself. I have been where you are now, I behaved like you are doing until I found out he had left me for an ow. I thought he was depressed and stressed which he was but he self medicated with an affair amongst other things. I did all the giving him space stuff etc, but I let him know I was getting on with my life, going out with friends, started horse riding again, got my hair done, bought new clothes and make up.

When I found out about the affair (he basically left one night effectively abandoning me and the 4dcs, wouldn't tell me where he was, none of his family knew either - had moved in with ow) after 6 weeks, I packed all his stuff in bin bags, made him collect it and contacted a solicitor who advised me to contact relate for myself as I was in such a state. Within a week dh had left ow and wanted to repair the marriage, we stayed seperated for about 4 months whilst working on repairing the marriage with counselling, dates, family days out etc.

There were a lot of issues but he is a changed man now and I have changed too, I won't put up with any crap now - I certainly would not have done the begging I did in the beginning, I would have packed all his stuff up the moment he left as that tends to concentrate these men's minds (he told me he needed a bit of space away from me and the dcs - yes to shag ow).

Have you got yourself some legal advice?

A good friend at the time told me to behave and act as if he is not coming back and I think that is good advice, it allows you to protect yourself.