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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

287 replies

loganberry12 · 21/04/2012 20:42

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 03/05/2012 14:33

MAdoubthotchic

Do you think vile behaviour is really "depriving his wife of sex". That to me implies a spouse has some sort of duty to put out even when they do not want to. I'm sure you can't mean that.

Loganberry I think you kind of answered your own question when you questioned the treat him mean...teenager mentality then followed it up with your 45 and acting like a teenager. :)

If I was you i'd just act matter of fact on front of him even if you've have to use your best acting skills. For example you could nip to the local shop when after he arrives for 'something' you need like a litre of milk even if you would rather sit there. The fresh air will stop you feeling anxious as you can take deep breaths and walk fast and then when you return from the cold you have a reason to make a cup of tea and can offer one legitimately as a matey thing to do.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/05/2012 14:49

No, I do not mean that but there appears to be no affection or intimacy at all as a result of which OP is feeling unloved. It is not just the lack of sex, its everything else in the list in my post as well.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 03/05/2012 16:16

he's txt to say he's picking her up and taking her to his mums, seems like he cant even bare to be in the same room as me :( i really want ask him for a hug him when he comes but im worried he'll back off which will hurt, wish he'd just say one way or another so i knew where i stood

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 03/05/2012 16:36

countingto10 i packed all his stuff after a couple of days leaving he took it all last week didnt make him worry in fact i think it made up his mind he was moving on really he seems much more distant and unattached since then

OP posts:
cubiclejockey · 03/05/2012 16:47

Logan, I'm very sorry but you need to start understanding that your H's actions are telling you exactly where you stand. Stop paying attention to his words...they don't mean anything and are only giving you mixed messages designed to keep you hanging. He has checked out of the relationship and you need to start taking action accordingly. He isn't "maybe leaving or maybe coming back".

He is gone.

The only way for you to take control of the situation is to take the decision out of his hands. Start detaching from him, focus on you and your children and move forward as though it is over. Time to start taking care of you and worry less about him. Life as you knew and thought of it is over, regardless, and you need to give yourself space and time to grieve it. Even if he does try to come back at some point in the future, things will no longer be the same.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh...I am coming from a place of experience, sadly. I know you want to hold on to hope but please trust me that this is the best way forward. It will help you regain control, it will start your healing process. Be kind to yourself, and let him go. If that's what he wants. Let him have it. He will then no longer be able to focus his unhappiness and blame on you. Surprise, surprise, when he looks in the mirror, it will be all him.

I am sorry for your pain. But I promise you that you can be happy again. And it will be on your terms. Good luck.

captainmummy · 03/05/2012 19:52

Logan - of course he will back off, he has no interest in hugging you. Sorry, yes it does hurt.

He will never say 'it's over' because he already thinks it is. A nd it is, it really is, whether he says it or not. Actions speak louder than words, remember, and he shows no signs of wanting to continue with you or the marriage.

Now you need to show him signs that you will not continue wth the relationship either.

Detach. stop hurting yourself.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 03/05/2012 21:26

Logan, he doesn't need to say it 'one way or another so you know where you stand', his actions are already demonstrating how he feels. I know you don't want to believe it but he has already detached.

I urge you to try and do the same. Try and focus on the practicalities, like finances, access arrangements and so on. Take some control back.

Have you got some good RL support? x

midwife99 · 03/05/2012 21:39

What do you want him to tell you "one way or another"? If its over? He's told you it's over. He left. He has taken all his stuff. I don't understand why you're still unsure?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 04/05/2012 04:43

i saw him last night he came to collect my daugher, i feel to pieces crying like a mess, he was all dressed up and looking better than he has for years, no wedding ring, i said to him i know you have checked out of our marriage he said there is still hope maybe we can sort things out he didnt know but he needed time to sort his head out, he hugged me wheni asked him if he still loved me he said yes, i said i loved him before he left but he wouldnt say it back said he couldnt say it yet he's still angry. I said to him i think maybe we should call it a day because i didnt want to keep hanging on if he was just keeping me dangling, he said just give me time. He seems very together while im falling apart im more confused than ever now, should i just tell him its over or should i give him space and be patient?

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 04/05/2012 04:47

midwife the reason i dont know is because he's left before and come back

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2012 07:23

is this how you want to live your life ?

prostrating yourself before a man who leaves/comes back/leaves/comes back ?

got some new threads has he ? Not wearing his ring ?

Wake up, love

every time this man fancies a bit of variety, he will find he "doesn't know how he feels", ask you to give him time, leave you high and dry with your upset dd

then when he's dipped his wick elsewhere for a hile, you will be so pathetically grateful he came back, it will just be a matter of time (and a cheeky wink and well-turned heel) until he does it again

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/05/2012 07:27

Urgh.

He is stringing you along - do you want to be Plan B?

He does NOT love you, sorry. Look at his ACTIONS, not words.

You and your DD deserve better than this.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/05/2012 07:31

As for the new clothes, looks like he has access to money after all.

Remember your panicky posts last week when you had no money? He has been depriving you of money, forcing you to beg for emergency cash to pay for nappies and other essentials. Is this a sign of love?

No. Sad

Teaandcakeplease · 04/05/2012 07:33

He's left before? Sad What a cruel man he is. It's one big head fuck really, with the way he is behaving.

I maintain my earlier advice. Gather your dignity around you, hold your head high and start to move on with your life. Move furniture round, redecorate, buy new clothes, anything to help you feel a bit better at this time.

Do not hold out hope of him coming back, it will be far harder for you, if you do. Find the anger for what he has done and use it to propel you forward. It may not feel like it now, but there is life after divorce and you will be far happier when you're not constantly wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, if he is being honest etc. I'm 2 and a half years on and I am glad it's over now and I've met someone who is fantastic. But if you'd asked me when I was in ylour place, I wouldn't have believed you, I was desolate and distraught and he left me in limbo for 5 months! Angry Until I made the decision to file for divorce. With help from mumsnet. You can do this. Detach, try and move on and if he decides to come back eventually and you want him great. But at least you're trying to move on.

He sounds like a serial adulterer to be honest. And you would actually be far better without him. You do not want your child to witness this as she grows and think this is how women are meant to be treated Sad Sounds like lying isn't what he does, but WHO he is!

Did you buy the book yet?

Teaandcakeplease · 04/05/2012 07:34

X posted Grin

Teaandcakeplease · 04/05/2012 07:36

Do you have your own bank account? The tax credits and child benefit need to be moved to it imo.

midwife99 · 04/05/2012 09:31

Oh Logan! He leaves you desperate for money for nappies for his own child while he tarts himself up for a single life & you think he loves you? He's keeping his options open that's all in case he needs to come back after he's hot no other options. Is that what you want? Every time you say you're not happy about drugs, no sex, no money etc he bogs off for a few weeks until you are a gibbering wreck & will have him back on any terms? FFS this is emotional & financial abuse! Please read the Lundy Bancroft book. & think of what your DCs are learning from this. You all deserve so much better. Angry

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/05/2012 10:30

I stand by my statement that this man's behaviour is VILE.

Please protect yourself by detaching.

captainmummy · 05/05/2012 09:38

Ok logan. He will probably come back because he's done it before, (it's a nice cosy bed for him, for when he wants it). You will then carry on with your marriage, both of you still miserable, both still angry and resentful of the other. No sex. No talking. No fun.

OR ... you could grab this opportunity to be happy! Not right now, but in a few weeks (that's all it takes) to get a LIFE back. YOUR life. To be happy for yourself, not through him. Get a life. Have some fun. Go out. Have a laugh. Be the fun,happy, bright and shiney person you were before marriage and dc and HE ground you into a clinging, gibbering wreck.

Let him go. He will never be the husband you want - he is NOT that person.

Please be strong for yourself.

midwife99 · 06/05/2012 21:01

Are you ok Logan? Confused

Original poster
loganberry12 · 07/05/2012 21:28

well there's been a turn around in the way i feel.
I passed out last night, i think because i havent been eating because of all this upset, anyway i hit my head and cut my face open, my son called and ambulance they glued the cuts and said i had low blood pressure.
My son txt and phoned my husband but he didnt answer, finally my daughter who is 23 got hold of him this morning and said he'd have to come and look after my little girl who's 2 she told him what had happened. He was put out because he said he was suppose to be working,(he isnt supposed to work bank holidays, and in the past he has taken days off to work with a friend of his and also sickys when he hasnt felt like going in) he said he'd end up getting the sack at this rate. My daughter took my younger daughter to her house so i could sleep as i still felt concussed, he turned up stayed with her an hour then left. He didnt even ask how i was or if id be ok looking after the kids today.
I am so angry with him the selfish piece of shit, i phoned him he said he wanted to stay separate and his head was a mess and he was getting in trouble at work cos his head was all over the place and it was affecting his work, he didnt once ask how i was or about the kids. My son who's 16 was so frightened when he rang the ambulance bless him he needed his father and he couldnt even be bothered, so thats it he can have his freedom the selfish git im done

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 21:39

Sad how awful for your DC to have to realise their father does not give a shit about them Sad

hope you are doing ok and that you are starting to look after yourself now that you know he won't be around to help. Such a selfish bastard - its all him, him, him isn't it.

Take care x

midwife99 · 07/05/2012 21:44

Oh Logan honey I hope you're ok. I'm glad you've finally seen what a horrible neglectful selfish bastard he is. Hope the kids are ok Sad

Original poster
loganberry12 · 07/05/2012 21:49

my little girl is a bit unsettled her sleep pattern is all out of sink, she was awake at 3am when the ambulance came and fell back to sleep at 5.30pm this afternoon, she's still sleeping now im hoping she stays asleep because im knackered and aching like crazy with the bruising, im going to go to bed soon. My son is quite but ok he has been out all day paint balling so he tired, he hasnt said much :(

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midwife99 · 07/05/2012 22:04

Ah love, tomorrow get onto a solicitor & make sure your benefits are sorted to protect yourself Sad