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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP My husband has left i dont know what to do, long thread but please read

287 replies

loganberry12 · 21/04/2012 20:42

My husband & i have been married for 7 years we have a 16 year old son and a 2 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been up and down from the start really he had a cannabis problem but gave it up a year ago after i threw him out and gave him an ultimatum his family or the drugs. We had a normal sex life up until i fell pregnant unplanned with our little girl who is now 2yrs 7 months old. He did not want me to keep her at first and would not talk to me for the first 3 weeks after i found out i was pregnant. He loves her to pieces now and she is a daddies girl. We have only had sex twice since her birth the last time being 2 years ago. I feel unloved and ugly and have told him this we argue a lot over it and he thinks theres nothing wrong in not being itimate. I feel sad and lonely and yearn for the man i married who could not keep his hands off me. Well to cut a long story short he left the other night almost 2 weeks now after i said things needed to change and i wasnt happy. he has been home twice to see the children but wont dicuss our relationship just said he's sick of me moaning, i really dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to says my marriage is over and to move on im so confused i cant sleep he doesnt seem bothered. sorry for the long thread

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 19:48

no he had all that well covered separate accounts, only received phone bills bank statements online and dont know his passwords to his email

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 29/04/2012 19:50

I bought the book I've linked to. I used it to help me make sense of it all, not to repair my marriage. It was helpful at the time. Very helpful.

I also went through a lot of Rescue Remedy as it helped to calm my nerves.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 04:16

i cant sleep feel so sick, cant eat or driinkwithout gagging, cant sto crying,want to ask him to come home i need him to hug me so bad when will this hell ever stop

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 30/04/2012 04:32

Cry loganberry, cry as much as you need to. Grab a teddy bear and hold it til the stuffing comes out.

When you are cried out go hug your daughter and take pleasure in her.

Then remember that today is a new day and it may not be quiet as bad as yesterday.

Keep going forward and know you are wonderful and that you can do this.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 04:55

i dont think i can do it though im hurting too much

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 30/04/2012 05:10

You can do it. I know you can do it. Everyone here who has replied knows you can do it.

Now you just need to believe you can do it.

Don't think that just because it hurts, it means you can't do it. Yes hurting slows you up a little but it doesn't stop you.

When my heart was broken and everything went black I bombarded all my negative thoughts with positive ones.

When that little voice says 'I can't do this' say out aloud 'yes I can, I can and I will. I will show my daughter how to deal with heart break'

When that little voice says 'I can't do this' say out aloud 'stop it, I can and I will'

Keep telling yourself this. Stop that negative voice in its tracks and eventually you will know what we already know.

You can do this!

Teaandcakeplease · 30/04/2012 07:00

The trouble is, the one person you want to confide in, to hug you, is the one who has caused all the pain. You want to turn to him and you can't. I know you're hurting right now Sad But you will get through this. Take one day at a time x

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 09:00

well i txt him saying if u have no feelings for her and nothing has happened and u love me stil comr home and we will sort out our marriage, he replied saying nothing has happened we've just talked, which is upsetting because he should be talking to me about things not her, then he said he dont know how he feels now because ive done a good job of pissing him off, i reported the bank card as stolen and wrote on facebook about him being a lying cheating shit, his mate txt him and told him, anyway he said he'll txt me later we need to talk, he also said he wants to know who spread the gossip about the ow, now not sure what to do. I want him back if he hasnt done anything but i want him to come back in love with me not angry and can i trust him. He might even say he doesnt want to come back in which case i'll thin its because of the ow and hels lying

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 30/04/2012 09:15

Oh dear Logan Sad

You know really that he is not in love with you and that you can't trust him. Please remember its actions not words that you should be looking at.

Are his actions those of a faithful man? A man in love with his wife? Sad

If he really loved you, he wouldn't done those cruel things or walked out on you in this way.

Teaandcakeplease · 30/04/2012 09:37

Buy the book I linked to asap. But I do think you need to gather your dignity around you now and try to rise above all this and do not tell him who told you about the ow. He is lying I suspect but you are desperate to believe what he says (as I was at the time).

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 09:50

but would'nt come home if he ws seeing someone else would he because then he wouldnt have the freedom to see her ??

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 30/04/2012 10:01

He WOULD have the freedom to see who he wanted because he will make you feel that YOU are being unreasonable not to trust him so he will have a green light to behave however he wants!
He is already making out he can't come home because of the things YOU have done.
Can't you see he is shifting the blame onto you to cover his own sorry lying ass inadequacies.
I agree with madaboutchoc sweetheart. His actions are telling you he doesn't value you.

Teaandcakeplease · 30/04/2012 11:05

Just to warn you. Lots of men move back in and carry on screwing the OW Sad You see it all the time on the relationship boards on here Sad

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/04/2012 11:11

Yes, men can and do carry on cheating when back home - that way they get to enjoy all their home comforts as well as having plenty of ego boosting attention from OW.

Its called having their cake and eating it Sad

midwife99 · 30/04/2012 12:01

I think the main point is that you need to decide whether you want a man who has treated you the way he has the last few years not whether he has another woman now.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 17:01

went to his work to confront the women and ask her whats going on, as i worked there before i know a few people there so first spoke with my old boss to get his option. He said basically my husband has been acting like a love sick puppy running around after this girl at work and was the standing joke there the last couple of months. He said he had know the girl since she was a child and was very friendly with everyone but was in a relationship with a bloke and was 5 months pregnant he said he had spoke to her and asked her himself if she and my husband were having an affair and she was upset and said no way he was old enough to be her dad and that she would break up her relationship for him. Any way i spoke to her we had a long chat and she told me there was defiantly nothing going on they were just friends and that it was one sided because she is not interested in my husband like that. she said they are friends and talk about every day things and take it in turns to buy lunch. I said to her then she will have to distance herself from him because he obviously thinks he has a chance she is quite angry and said when he gets back( he's away in Germany) she would tell him to keep away from her she is not interested she seemed shocked everyone at work thought they were having an affair, she says shes given him no reason to think she's interested. she also said he told her id thrown him out which i didnt he left in the night while i was in bed, and that i wouldnt let him see the kids, he has seen them 3 times a week since he left. she also said when she has said to him to sort things out and go home he has said he doesnt want to talk about it. It seems to me like he fancys her and like a love sick teenager thought he might have a chance with her if he left me. It probably does his ego good to think a young girl fancys him. But according to my old boss they are always together and take their breaks together, when i said to her about it she said they clicked as mates nothing else as far as she was concerned there wasnt anything going on and nevi will be. he is going to go mental when he knows ive been down there, but i had to know. Although he hasnt slept with her i still feel like he's been unfaithful by wanting to be with her all the time having his mind on her all the time and running around after her buying her lunch when he says he's got no money for gas and electric. im angry he's been dreaming over her while negligence his family. now im at a lose what to do or think not only has he made himself look like a fool he's made me look a fool to at work where i know a lot of people . he said when he gets back we should talk but not sure he'll say the same once he knows ive spoken to this girl.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 30/04/2012 17:04

It's called an emotional affair. It can be just as hurtful. But I'm glad you have some answers.

Please buy the Shirley Glass book: www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335725151&sr=8-1 I cannot recommend it highly enough at this crucial time.

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/04/2012 17:20

Oh dear - sounds like your H has been lying to this OW and it sounds like he definitely is in love with her, they are far too attached to each other Sad

Please look at this website:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/04/2012 17:20

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

AnyFucker · 30/04/2012 17:36

your husband sounds like a cock of the highest order

dump him, pronto

AnyFucker · 30/04/2012 17:37

I couldn't bear to stay married to such an utter fool

the contempt I would feel every tiem I looked at him would kill it stone dead

Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 17:42

lol Anyfucker you have a way with words

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 30/04/2012 18:05

so now dont know what to do i feel betrayed because he's had an emotional affair with this girl, i say girl cos she's 21 im old enough to be her mother. can i trust him when he goes to work although she says she didnt give him the come on she spent too much time in his company i think they both went over the boundaries of a normal friendship. Also wonder if she had have been interested if he'd have taken it further?? confused now really dont know what to do

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 30/04/2012 18:11

In the book if you're wanting to repair the marriage, they suggest at the very least they change jobs if possible in this situation and they now need to be completely transparent in order for trust to be rebuilt.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2012 18:25

sorry, love

I tell it like I see it. The way you see it may be something completely different x

erm, she's 21 ? What a nobhead.

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