Please help me-I dont know what to do..

[FrightenedToDeath]

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

Also de-lurks to stay really pleased for you, onwards and upwards!

That's really good news Keep strong!

Wonderful news FTD, keep going, you're doing so well!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

Well done for being so strong in such a difficult situation. I'm so relieved you've got somewhere to go, but if I understand rightly you will be staying put for a couple of weeks?

I've got no experience in DV so I might be wrong (maybe someone more knowledgeable will step in) but I am worried that your DC going on holiday (this Friday I think?) may trigger a change in his behaviour. In one of your posts you mentioned that he wouldn't let you go to a friend's house without leaving DS as insurance of coming back. How is he going to be when he hasn't got this hold over you, he must realise that walking out when they aren't around it going to be easier for you? Does your support worker know about this potential issue?

when his GF is round he throws things at me and tells me to piss off

Hi STD, I've just been catching up and noticed this. How unbearable this must be fore you. You are absolutely right in leaving DS behind - the whole family is witnessing DV, not only perpetrated by their Dad, but by their brother.

Although it is very sad that you couldn't save DS from this, you will be able to have a chance to start over and model good behaviour to your other dcs before it affects them.

Remember that Domestic Abuse can be perpetrated by anyone who is emotionally intimate with someone and can therefore wield power against them. You would be doing well to remind your DS at some point that what he is doing to you is not only wrong, but it is DV and he could be prosecuted for it.

The house will be ready just in time for them coming back from their holiday am I right?

Thanks everyone-Shelby, my youngest DC is not going on holiday as she is only 2.

Horsetowater, potentially I can move in when they are away, only problem now is that because Im self employed, Im not entitled to a crisis loan to pay my first months rent, so have to pay it myself, Im annoyed because I was told I would get help also because im going over to a single persons tax credit award and not claiming income support, Im worried I will have to wait weeks

my single person's tax credit turned up almost instantly, child benefit changed accounts instantly, lone person's council tax took 2 weeks to kick in and housing benefit turned up 4 weeks after i had completed the (enormous) form so my experience with getting finances sorted is encouraging I think.

well done and keep going

I realise you'll still have the little one but it sounds from your other posts that he tries to keep the older DC on side, so is less likely to kick off when they are around. Also he knows your younger DS will react badly to change and your middle DD will tell him anything 'odd' going on, so to a certain extent he will feel that they are on his 'side'. There will be a change in the family dynamics & routine while they are away, and it could leave you more vunerable. You don't say if little DD is at nursery or with you all day, but I can see him suddenly becoming controlling about where you go with her.

Hopefully I'm over-analysing this, but from the outside it seems like you are sitting on a powder keg that could explode at any moment. I think there are a lot of people out here simultaneously worrying about you and cheering you on!

thanks again, I typed a huge post and it vanished!

Ive realised that I cannot rely on my mum,she thinks Im selfish to leave H, its going to destroy the kids etc, all she cares about is whether its going to inconvenience her taking my kids to Florida

FTD glad you have realised that about your mum, keep any decisions to yourself as she may scupper your plans.

I second the benefits being quick - it is pretty straight forward to claim most things now - I had to recently help someone with theirs due to incapacity and everyone was brilliant and it was less than a week before notification of changes and the very next week payments were sorted. The best thing to do is go on the benefits checker on moneysavingexpert website so you know in advance of doing anything what you should apply for.

Keep going, you can do this and make your life better.

No Im not sharing anything else with DM, I woryy too that she may return the DC's to H

FTR it's not pointless to put yourself on your local council/authority's housing waiting list and, fwiw, the former tenant of the property you intend to inhabit wouldn't have got herself rehoused into social housing if she hadn't been on such a list.

Furthermore, many providers of social housing such as housing associations and the like, will only accept applicants who have been nominated from a LA housing waiting list.

If you are on a LA waiting list you can source and make enquiries of other social housing providers as to whether they have properties available and, if necessary, ask the council to nominate you.

With regard to your move, I would suggest that you get back to your dv counsellor and ask for a referral to a solicitor who specialises in dv and family law and who offers a free half-an-hour consultation.

To ensure your safety and that of the dc that you want and expect to live with you, you're best advised to apply for a non-molestation Order which will prohibit your h from coming within a set distance of you/your home, and a residency Order which will empower the police to return your dc to you should your h or your dm attempt to remove them from your care.

Two weeks should be ample to get these measure in place and you will be able to move into your new home and start your new life without fear.

As for your older ds; at 18 he's an adult and you are not obliged to have him live with you or, indeed, visit you in your new home.

I know you have said it but please do not tell your mother where you are going. She is not on your side and I would bet everything she will tell him your address. No mother who advises her daughter to stay in an abusive relationship is rational, but toxic.

This maybe a bit hard with everything else you are having to deal with maybe this move would be a good time to cut her out of your life. Even if it is only until you are in a very strong position where he has no power anymore.

In a way I feel sorry for the girlfriend. She is going to be badly shocked when the boyfriend she loves, who throws things at his mother (what a great sense of humour he has) suddenly turns on her. Because we know he will.

Well done for being so brave . Keep going and stay strong.

I am feeling a little low tonight..its hitting me slowly what Im doing,Its not fair, Im upset that we are having to go through all this
Today I had to go to the CAB and apply for a crisis loan, I then had to go to the job centre and collect the crisis loan in giro form, this is to pay my first months rent, I then have to pay it back at a rate of 200 a month, which is going to be hard, but Ill cross that bridge when I come to it.

Izzy the former tenant of the property FTD is about to take could have been housed under priority circumstances. I put my name on the local authority list when I was living with my abusive ex. I was told by the HO that I was not a priority as I had a roof over my head. There was a 3 year wait before consideration for a property, which then rose to 5 as other people had priority over me. Only when I went into refuge was I considered a priority, as I was then homeless. So yes. FTD could put her name on the local authority list but she would be waiting a heck of a long time to be housed under her present circumstances. Disability and homelessness grants you priority, anything else you sit and wait.

FTD this is temporary hardship. Yes, it's hard, and no, you shouldn't have to be doing it, but once it's done you are free. Your life will be wonderful again. You are doing great, just keep moving forward and you will soon be there. Try to focus on the long term .

Thanks TFMADD, Ive been advised its better to move into private rented and then go on the housing list as private rented. The woman currently in the property is also a DV victim and was housed after 18 months, but Ive been advised if Im not picky about where I go, Ill get housed quicker. I am on DLA and have a disability,which is currently being made ten times worse by the current stress

Hi FTD, once you move and have got turned around you will start to feel so much better. It's not an easy time but trust me, it will be well worth it in the long run.

Im sure it will be, I just feel totally devastated now,its all starting to hit me

What is your moving date?

no moving date at present as current occupant is waiting for her council house to be finished, shes been told that it will be no later than 11th May that she can move in, but there is a chance it could be delayed, no plan other than wait to move in

last night H said that he was still confused about his feelings for me..ha! ha! ha!.hes had nearly two years to work out what he wants, in that instance I knew that I was doing the right thing because this twunt has been controlling me from the outset and emotionally checked out of our marriage about 2 years ago, I will put money on his OW suddenly becoming a proper partner within weeks of me moving out but of course they will tell everyone at work that they only got close when his nasty evil wife ran off with the kids , The second I move out Im going to start divorce proceedings and Im getting in touch with the CSA