Please help me-I dont know what to do..

[FrightenedToDeath]

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

Gosh what an awful situation for you.

Chin up, you will get through this. Authority's are rubbish at sorting things out. It might take a little while but it will get sorted out.
Don't talk of killing yourself, nothing is worth that. Your kids need you..
Your husband sounds dreadful. Your mum is a disgrace, bloody hell, I don't know how mothers can be this way. I have had bad experiences with my mum so I know in part what you are going through. I will never understAnd their selfishness and need to put themselves before there children. The support isn't there but it is here... So hopefully we can offer you the kind of support and help that your mum isn't.

Please keep going... Your business sounds good well done. What type of business is it?

should add the house is property managed by a company that dont allow DSS

Please don't let this deter from calling the police if you should need to.

IMO the material fact is that you weren't DSS funded when you were first granted the tenancy of the property and the LL and/or his/her managing agents would be hard pressed to evict you purely due to a change of circumstance.

By virtue of the fact that she is, perhaps unwittingly, about to provide you with a 2week window of opportunity, I'm not inclined to blackball your dm at the present time.

Is your business portable? Do you need to be in your current address in order to ensure its continuance or does it only require internet provision or similar for you to conduct it elsewhere?

FTD If you were to go into refuge you would be regarded as homeless and would be priority for social housing. When I was in refuge we were encouraged to go down the social housing route rather than private as the tenancies are more secure, and after a lifetime of abuse the refuge recognise that we need to put down roots and make a home, not be living with the threat of notice to quit. Refuge did however, have a list of reputable landlords and HA's that they dealt with so, if a person did wish to go down this route they were treated fairly and respectfully. All with full support of refuge.

The only reason I can think that you are being encouraged not to go into refuge is because it is expensive to accommodate a woman and her children. The housing benefit for the refuge I was in was £600 per week!! I just cannot see any other reason why you are not being helped by going down the route of a refuge. The situation you are in is stressful enough without having the added stress of finding private rented accommodation. You just don't seem to be getting very good advice, or advice that is in your favour

I would say stop listening to what people are telling you is the best route to take and go with the route you feel is best. You are the one living in this situation.

Homeless hostel will have to do....drug addicts aside! It's only temporary and you are likely to get housed that bit quicker. You aren't really in a position to be choosy. Lots of us have had to do this. It works out fine in the end, you have to play the long game here...

can I just clarify that its me and three children, but I keep mentioning DS as he is the main issue.

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. Ive asked the LL of that particular property to hang fire till Monday and he has agreed. He is approved by the local refuge as the house is a designated safe house (alarms fitted etc)

Im not on any lists because Housing Options discouraged it saying it was pointless as when I moved into private rented, I would have a change of circumstances and would have to apply all over again

Also I dont really want to stay in this house because my 18 year old son is complicit in my H's abuse, he supports him and traets me appallingly, on the day H kicked off last week, DS1 (18) actually shouted at me also and sided with his father, he brings friends back when Ive asked him not to and tells me to f off if I ask him to help in anyway, when his GF is round he throws things at me and tells me to piss off, then I hear them both laughing in his bedroom. He takes the only back door we have out of the door and goes off with it so I have no way of getting out of the back door and he spies on me and texts his father letting him know my movements because DS has no job and isnt at sixth form

glad the LL will wait, he sounds genuine - keep focused on what you need to do now, mental lists of important things and keep the peace for your own saftey and so he doesnt suspect you will go.
Remember to sort storage for the things you need so you can leave quickly, paper work and certificates and any joint stuff. His pension, you will be entitled to a share x

Why don't you self refer to an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor)?

www.caada.org.uk/aboutus/Key%20FAQs%20%20-%20IDVAs%20FINAL.pdf

That's good news re the Landlord

HO are right, it is pointless being on any housing list at the moment, you would be on the 'standard' list with no priority, due to the fact you have a roof over your head. If you go into refuge you will be considered homeless so will become a priority. Hopefully, you have struck gold with this house you have found. Fingers crossed for you.

FTD Sadly, I can relate to what you say about your son and him being complicit in the abuse of you. I experienced exactly the same. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for that link Rhonosaurus

I am still trawling through Rightmove, in the hope something comes up, will start making more pro active phone calls on Monday

Just to add, my friend believe it or not has supported Domestic Abuse Victims in her professional role and said that she has seen people sit in Refuges locally for as long as a year I just Im just desperately cluthing at the vain hope that I can avoid that

TimeformeandDD-I would rather go down the social housing route as I just want to feel safe and secure somewhere, but I do know that this particular house is approved by the refuge as is the LL. The woman who is in there at the moment has been housed after 18 months

I totally understand FTD. But if you find yourself getting nowhere fast and life at home becomes unbearable, please don't be afraid of going down the route of refuge. It will be a short term solution which will lead to long term happiness

Thank you Timeforme, Im anxious not to take a house because Im desperate,but if things escalate I wont hesitate to go to a refuge..

That's good FTD, and really, I understand all your concerns . I also know that right now you will be exhausting yourself, exhausting all avenues and possibilities. Take care of yourself.

right, Ive finally made a decision, Im taking the house thats being held for me tomorrow, I think its right,I cant stay here any longer, my friends have offered to help..I need to leave

Nothing to add except good luck and stay strong x

Good luck from me too. Here's to your new, abuse free life x

Loads and loads of luck . Go for it and never ever look back! xx

Thank you, I have loads of help on board, I just need to find the £100 holding deposit, I am going to speak to the bond scheme tomorrow morning

Thanks everyone-The bond scheme have accepted the house for me and are making arrangements with the LL. I can move in about two weeks, Im so excited

Fab news, I'm thrilled for you. Onwards and upwards, stay strong xx

:)

Wonderful news! I am so pleased for you