Please help me-I dont know what to do..

[FrightenedToDeath]

V long back story. I am a regular to posts from tine to time,Ive changed my name to cover my tracks.

Been with H for nearly twenty years, two kids from previous marriage and three together. Our marriage has been rocky for the last 8 years and Ive questioned whether Im an EA victim. H liked to withhold money, love and affection. Never cared if I was ill. When we first got together he saw to it that I fell out with friends and would refuse to go to social occasions, putting me in an awkward situation.
Wjilst pregnant with my two year old, he started an affair, which continued until I found out (by reading his texts) since then he continues to work with OW, but claims affair is over, treats me like something he picked off his shoe and has re written history to blame me for everything thats gone wrong over the years.
It culminated in him dragging my by my hair down the hall a few weeks ago, saying he did it to stop me hurting myself which was rubbish, I was just sat in the hall crying.
Finally the other day, he threw me against the door frame and when I told him I would call the police, he let go, then followed me, taunting me saying "who do you think you f in well are" at this point I realised I needed to go

I told him I was leaving last night and he seemed quite calm, and said it was for the best. This morning he changed saying he was taking the kids and that I could rot in hell if I thought I was taking the kids. He has my grown up son who lives at home on side as he treats me no better having learnt it from his father. Terrified I agreed to stay, the thought of losing my children kills me, but I have looked on his phone and he has texted both my grown up children saying Im a nutter and unhinged and that he is going to come clean about how Ive treated HIM over the years!! He says in a text to my son that he is going to take the kids from me and now Im terrified as Im going to a refuge tomorrow and Im scared Im going to lose everything. Ive no support from my mum, no one to support me, I feel so scared and frightened and have no idea what to expect at the refuge

HO team have also advised me that I cannot stay in this property because the rent far exceeds what I will get on LHA, also the letting agent who manage the property have a strict no DSS policy and where I live LHA is paid direct to the landlord, I would have to apply to the LL to get H's name removed from the tennacy so LL would serve me notice. Ive been told I cannot legally have him removed unless he assaults me again as he pays the rent

I have found a private rent, its not perfect but it will do, six miles from the kids schools, but LL wants £100 to hold the property which is fine but its a lot of money and I wont get it back as he takes it off the first months rent which is not paid by me and I really need that money to put fuel in my car

When is the holiday and how long will they be away for?

1. DM has paid, she can't 'bill' you for anything legally.
2. Ive been told I cannot legally have him removed unless he assaults me again as he pays the rent WTF? So living under threat of violence is suddenly not a human right any more? See Article 3 'security of person' en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_Declaration_of_Human_Rights#Article_1
3. LL wants £100 to hold the property WTF? again - do the HO people know about this?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_Declaration_of_Human_Rights#Article_1

They go on Friday and will be away for two weeks, Im say here chewing my nails down to the quick about this house,LL Im sure is pulling a fast one asking for £100 from someone who is on the bond scheme, but Im not sure, it might be that they will apply for the crisis loan and return my £100

Horsetowater-she is being a cow because she couldnt give a shit about my quality of life. Apparently it seems to be standard for private LL's to ask for a holding deposit which they then take off the first months rent, problem is, I dont have it,end of, its the end of the month, I have bills galore waiting to be piad and need to put fuel in my car. If it were a week day I would ring the bond scheme and ask if they could advise re the £100 as Im sure they would probably liase with the LL. They told me that if I see a suitable property, I have to ring them and check they will pay the bond but they had already agreed to on this one anyway
the issue with getting H removed from this house is, I would have to get the police involved and because he pays the rent, I would have to apply in writing to get the tenancy converted into my name. LL does not rent to DSS and would serve me a section 21 at the first hint of police intervention

should add the house is property ,managed by a company that dont allow DSS

have made a decision, will ring LL tomorrow and say I dont have it as its unexpected, as Ive only been looking a few days I havent had a chance to put the money aside and I have no work for a few weeks so cannot risk leaving myself in finacial difficulty. If he gets nasty then Ill know its not to be. If he says he can wait until monday then thats fine.I am now going to prepare to go into a refuge as I see I have choice, however, if its miles and miles away, will I still be eligable to be housed in the area I was in? If Ds is suddenly pulled from his school it will be a disaster, Ive seriously considered killing myself, Im going to destroy my DC;s lives

If you top yourself you will destroy every one of your dcs' lives for sure.

As you've already done a week of purgatory, I reckon you can do another and it will be so much easier for you to leave with your youngest dd as soon as your other 2 are Florida bound.

I've been bemused by certain aspects of your thread as it seems to me that you've had some bum advice from agencies that should know better.

I'll put my mind to your problem over the next day or so and post here again before the weekend's out but, in the meantime, there's no way you should be handing over £100 to this particular dodgy LL to hold the property for you.

I honestly dont know where to turn Izzy Without giving too much away, I am not actually in England and the system is slightly different for a few things. The reuge Im comunicating with dont have an outreach service, so I have no support. My contact at the refuge is referring me to something called Positive Outlook who she said will support me better in finding somewhere, but I am having to deal with the homeless section of my local council and they seem very anti, me going into a refuge and then being socially housed. They told me that I have to go into private housing and that once there, I will not be rehoused socially. I have asked to apply for social housing now, but they have refused saying that I am adequately housed.

I agree that Im not happy about handing over a holding deposit, howeverso far all of the other LL's I have encountered whilst viewing houses have memtioned a holding deposit so it seems the norm, its just that I would want clarification from the bond scheme that I will get it back. He said it will come off my first months rent which is irrespective as I will be getting LHA so I will effectively lose that money

I think whatever you do the refuge will be a good place to start. If you have DS with you there will be more chance of getting housing as it will be damaging for him to go into temporary accommodation because of the AS. I don't know the ins and outs obvs, of which country you are in, but that's how it is here in England.

Horse to Water, Im in Wales, so under the Welsh assembley, I will have three children with me altogether and when the refuge was deemed unsuitable they were going to put me in a homeless hostel which I knew was horrific and was known for housing people with drug problems

Oh FTD :( You are doing the right thing

With regard to the attitude of wanting you to go to private renting, thats fine I understand why as there is so little of it available. But please dont let that be a reason to stay and be abused. If he scares you just go, dont give him the choice or chance to hurt you.
I would completely disassociate yourself from your mother as soon as you can. She is a complete disgrace to the word mother thinking you should stay as its not so bad WTF?
Like another poster said, be prepared to go quickly as I doubt his attempts at being nice can last long. Forget whats "best" for your 11yr old - school -home - xbox - What is best for him and all your Dc is being safe and in an environment where his mother can parent without living in fear. Yes he will struggle with the change but non AS kids would too.

Sending some strength

Thank you Fallen petal, Im upset that I had the chance to go but am being denied it because of a poxy holding deposit, no doubt the bond scheme will tell me off on Monday and say I should have piad it

Not quite sure what the house of windbags Welsh Assembly has to do with it; last time I looked, the laws of England/Wales were the same

You're caught in the usual Catch 22 that besets those who are most in need of help and you are correct in assuming that if you part with a £100 holding deposit to be offset against rent, you won't see it again.

Do you receive any state funded allowances for your AS ds?

hmm, fair enough, I did wonder if some things were different, ie all the LL Ive spoken to say they receive the LHA direct yet I thought it was paid to the tenant.with you there on house of windbags though, but dont get me started on WAG!
At present I receive nothing as DS has only recently diagnosed after a 6 year battle to get school to recognise he was AS, they finally caved in as he was nearing secondary school age meaning they didnt have to deal with it

This man dragged you down the hall by the hair. He's turned children against their own mother. He should be the one that's going. Is there no way you can get the support to get him out?

I have no idea how to get him out and as I explained before, once I am on my own here, my LL will serve me notice as I will be incapable of paying the rent I do not want to put my children through the hell of being evicted

LL is very strict on only letting to employed professionals, its a tiny cul de sac and the people over the road are friends of LL's, once they get a sniff of a police car, carting him off, Ill be out on my ear

I looked into getting his name taken off the tennacy before but was told it wasnt possible as he paid the rent and the trouble is, if he gets letters saying Ive applied to take his name off the tennancy, then Im rather scared of his reaction

I can guess that your oldest have not been 'turned against you'. My guess is that they have grown up to be scared of him and they have normalised his abuse s in order to save themselves. This can change, they are still young.

If you leave and have some evidence of the abuse my guess is that they can get him removed and get non-molestation order in place. Go to the homeless shelter if you must - if only to prove to the services that you mean it, you are leaving and it has to happen. You will make it. Many thousands of women have done the same as you are doing now.

my 18 year old is as much an abuser as his father tbh, it is he I also want to get away from, he shouts and swears at me and throws things at me, tells me to shut up and calls me a bitch, he has watched his father and thinks this is normal. I am going to text that LL tomorrow and explain that I cannot come up with holding deposit, and will continue looking. I hate him so much for making me give up everything but tbh this place has never been our home, we moved in after he first told me of his affair and the whole time weve been here its been arguments and misery, Id be glad to get out and start afresh

With reference to your AS ds, post on the Special Needs: Children or Special Needs: Legal/financial boards to see what, if any, allowances you may be entitled to apply for.

If your ds is entitled to DLA this will get you extra points on the housing wheel of fate which may prevent you and your dc being temporarily housed in the local crack house homeless hostel.

Are you on your local authority's housing waiting list? If not, why not? And if so, I would suggest that you use google to find out what/if any housing associations are operating in your area.

If you identify any local housing associations, give them a call and ask whether they currently have vacant properties for which you can be nominated by your local authority.

I would also suggest that you find out the names of your local ward councillors, either via google or from your local town hall, check to see when/what nights they hold surgeries for their constituents, and make them aware of your problem.

When it comes to love, war, and housing, you're best advised to play every card you've got and hopefully, you'll be abe to trump the bastards them.

Regardless of whether your current LL is getting his legover in cohorts with the folks over the road, a sniff of a police car will not be sufficient to get you out of your home without a court Order for eviction, which process can easily take 3-6 months and is usually only accomplished after significant rent arrears have been accrued, or after prolonged anti-social behaviour on the part of the tenant(s).

Theoretically speaking, if your h were to kick off and you were to call 999 because you were fearful that he would resort to using violence on you again, the police would remove him from your home and this may give you time to apply for the necessary injunctions to prohibit him returning to the property or coming within a specified distance of you.

If this were to happen, I would hope that the police would refer you to domestic violence counsellors who may be better placed to advise on your present and future housing needs.