The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Staying Springy In Their Quest For Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse I have an shockingly abusive relationship with alcohol, mainly vodka.

This Bus is full of drinkers, non-drinkers, thinkers and Babes, all trying to find their way to a happy, sober life.

Some are there, some are almost there and some are not. It really doesn't matter, we're all in this together.

Why not find a seat? Everyone is welcome, drinking or drunk, come and say hello.

HERE is the previous thread, with a link to all of the other wonderful journeys so far............

See another reason I shouldn't post very much - I am confooosing you all!
Yes I only noticed this morning how 'normal' my tongue felt and my mouth isn't sore (and dry). Luvverly.

Mia I'm echoing Saf, that was a big and brave decision to take, you need to look after yourself today, lots of treats.

Day 9, too, do you think a clearer head made you see things in a different light? I hope that your relationship with Dp can be stronger for the honesty you have shown. If you want to talk we're here .

I have done one solid hour on a soddingingly difficult hopefully helpful spreadsheet . Now, I am going to make coffee, sort the washing, and wait for the shopping, oh, the glamour of it all!!

i'm going to call you PNS if that's ok? i am no longer confused honest.

good call on the tongue - i also don't have any mouth ulcers i've just realised - that's unusual and obviously related

spreadsheets scare me thurso - hoping i won't have to use them at uni - got a horrible feeling that with research might come statistical analysis and with that might come spreadsheets?

I think it might Saf

I had never used spreadsheets (or word documents, or files, folders et al ) until I started studying again. Even the qualification that I did 6 years ago, I handwrote all the assignments (double ).

I have got used to it though (I think) despite the huffing and puffing of the Dc's when they see me working on the laptop!!, and I do have to ask how to do loads of things all the time. I only learnt how to copy and paste about 18 months ago!!

Mia so sorry to hear you have had to make such a difficult and emotional decision. Obviously I know nothing about the background, but maybe not drinking is helping you be more honest about your feelings and have the strength to act on that. I'm sure you're right that drinking will only make you feel worse, but I also know how strong the temptation is likely to be. I'm sure there will be people around on the board if you need support. Be kind to yourself.

i swear i knew how to use excel once. i also used to work in an accountancy firm and have to use sage and lotus and yet my brain has retained literally nothing of it. and that is so unlike me! i'm usually quite an info hoarder even if it's hoarded in a not so well referenced fashion.

i think maybe i lack a technical gene or something

i will be leaning on you next year for lessons then thurso

Saf that made me spit my coffee out in a snorty way

Day frickin' 1 AGAIN

Still it reminded me how much I hate hangovers and I feel focused and determined. Just can't seem to get past day 4.....

venus I've read Jo Nesbo - good stuff

Thanks lovely babes.

Proud I've only been posting on here for 9 days! Knew about the thread before that but assumed it would all be total abstinence and wasn't ready for that at all. Then last Tuesday I actually came and had a look, realised what a mixture it was and how nurturing and supportive everyone is, and I climbed aboard.

Why am I cancelling the wedding... well yes, I think it's the clarity that a week off the sauce has given me, to be honest.

I've been with DP for 7 years. He's a wonderful, kind, supportive man, and I've never once doubted his commitment to me and to the relationship. He has never, however, wanted to get married. I've been married briefly before (not to DD's dad, to the one before) and although it didn't work out, I rather liked being married. I've dropped subtle hints, unsubtle hints and barbed jokes about it over the past few years, and he's always said that he doesn't see the point in marriage. He feels that you can't realistically promise to love someone forever, and actually I totally agree with this. I think most wedding vows would be better phrased as
I promise to love you until

1. death us do part
2. you cheat on me with my best friend
3. you run off with the au pair
4. I run off with my personal trainer
5. you turn out to be a controlling, abusive shit
6. one of us develops a drink problem (well at least he knew what he was getting into on that score... )
7. we grow apart
8. et al infinitum

I do think it's a lovely promise to make to someone though, and shows a commitment to staying together and doing your damndest to make the relationship work, even when things get rocky.

Anyhooo... a few months ago, after reading a 'he won't marry me' thread on MN I initiated a proper conversation about it, and said it must be more than just 'not seeing the point' because if one of you really wants something and t'other just doesn't see the point, then the wanting trumps the indifference, iyswim. He said it was partly because he thought I'd want the whole proposal, wedding, fuss thing, which I said I didn't at all. So he said 'well let's do it if you want to then'. Bless him, he didn't waver after that, so I booked the registry office for late May, the day before my birthday. It went from 'just us and a couple of witnesses and tell everyone afterwards' to asking his mum, my parents and DD to be there, and then his brother and partner, and my oldest friend (in place of my sister, from whom I'm estranged). He was ok with that. As it's my b'day the following day I suggested we have Dfriend and her DH, and my other 2 close friends (a couple), and have a meal. I suggested he ask his oldest friend, but he's been reluctant to do this all along (I really should have taken this on board right away, but although I realised that this was symptomatic of the fact that he doesn't want to celebrate with friends because he doesn't feel there's anything to celebrate, I just pushed that thought away).

From not intending to tell anyone, I'm so crap at keeping secrets that I did tell a handful of close friends. They all said 'oh we'll keep that weekend free!' and seemed to expect a celebration. DP and I discussed having a party the following day (my b'day) but didn't want a big thing and didn't want lots of people here - we can't afford it, the house isn't big enough and I don't want lots of children running riot in the garden. So I thought I'd come up with a good compromise when BIL suggested that we just have a few drinks in a pub with a nice big beer garden. The drinking thing aside, this seemed perfect - casual arrangement, no stress, no 'wedding' vibe so no pressure on people to dress up, bring pressies, expect to be catered for etc, and room for kids to run around without me worrying about my precious pond. But when I suggested a 'guest list' of 20 odd people (basically 7 or 8 of my friends + DPs, and two of his friends + DPs) he was very reluctant. He said he feels like it's mushroomed, and that he'll feel awkward accepting congratulations from everyone because he doesn't feel there's anything to be congratulated about - it's not a cause for celebration for him. When he realised he'd upset me, he apologised, and we didn't argue about it or anything, I just said I felt sad.

So I thought about it over the evening (sorry this is another epic post isn't it) and I realised that I've been steamrollering over his wishes right the way through. I steamrollered him into agreeing to get married, and he agreed because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I then ignored all the signs that he wasn't comfortable with it - not wanting his friends there just speaks absolute fucking volumes, doesn't it.

So I realised that I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. It's lovely that he loves me enough to marry me because it's what I want, but it's a rather hollow victory really, isn't it - to be married to someone who'd rather not have married you. I don't want to be married to someone who is embarrassed to accept congratulations on our wedding.

Ooh too many sad faces. I'll go and make myself a cup of tea. Sorry for the length - you did ask, and I'm incapable of answering a question succinctly.

mia it sounds like despite the fact you may feel sad you have made the right decision. He clearly loves you very much but isn't the marrying kind, my sister and her dp are the same and don't see the point in marriage. Try not to feel sad and drown your sorrows but feel proud of the fact you recognised that it would've been a hollow victory and chuffed that your dp loves you enough to marry you if you so wish. How has your dp reacted to you deciding to cancel?

That is a shame, Mia. I would be disappointed too.

So that's that. £100 odd down the drain for booking the registry office and the marriage licence. I told him last night and he was upset and said not to rush into anything. He's upset because I'm upset though, I think, not because we won't be married. I told my Dfriend last night so she could cancel the hotel she'd booked for her and me to have a 'hen' night away. Told my DM this morning and she says I shouldn't cancel it until DP and I have talked tonight. I don't see the point of talking about it to be honest. I've known how he felt throughout - he's very honest - I've just chosen to not really take it on board.

So it's not the end of the relationship or anything, we'll go on as we were. I'm going to do my damndest not to let my hurt and feelings of rejection turn into anger towards DP - none of this is his fault. At the moment I feel pretty desolate to be honest, which I know is silly - noone's died, nothing terrible's happened, we've still got a rock solid relationship even though this has rocked my feelings about it and we'll just carry on as we were.

Thanks for listening babes. I think I might need some handholding later to resist the lure of the vino. I think all this has come about because my emotions aren't dulled by the perpetual cycle of drinking and hangover. I feel much more clearly and keenly at the moment, but I'm calmer in dealing with those feelings. A lot of stuff to do with my dad (who died over 2 yrs ago, leaving a lot of stuff unresolved and unresolvable) has been coming up too, especially clearing out the loft and finding stuff to do with him. I've been letting those feeling just come up, wash over me and recede again, which is a big step for me.

So I'm sure all this is good, really. It just feels absolutely shit right now.

Push the wine out of your head, I caved last night and drunk and feel shocking today, it's dh's birthday today and all I will feel like doing when he gets home is going to bed. Wine ruins everything, can't get motivated, overeating and moody/depressed plus the same problems you feel today will still be there tomorrow. Try to confide in DH how you feel as I'm sure he will understand as he may even be feeling some disappointment himself. Just do not buy any wine, the disappointment you will feel tomorrow when hungover will ADD to your sadness not make it go away..

or you could just go back to going alone and doing it quietly without telling anyone till afterwards and go away for the night to a hotel or something?

Thanks iam I know really that it wouldn't make anything better and would just make me feel worse afterwards. That feeling is there though. I wouldn't have to buy it - we've plenty in the house. Just no white in the fridge, since that's my weakness.

Thanks saf. That's what my DM said. It doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to do it at all though, does it.

well he wants to do it to make you happy and is happy to do so but doesn't want to have to do the big public hoo ha from what i can see from what you've said.

up to you whether doing it for you is good enough - guess that's the bit you have to answer?

for yourself i mean - not for me!

I don't think it is saf.

The reason he doesn't want any hoo ha (and we're talking about 9 of us at the wedding and fewer than 20 people having a drink in the pub the next day remember - no white dress, expensive ring, reception etc) is because he doesn't want to celebrate something that isn't a cause for celebration to him. I don't want a big expensive celebration, but neither do I want to marry someone who doesn't see it as a special and happy day.

Well I'm going to brave the loft now. Thanks for listening, marvellous women. Sorry to be so down and self-absorbed.

Hang on in there Mia .. maybe have another chat with DP tonight .. why don't you plan to do something nice together on the day before your birthday anyway? something you've both always fancied doing?

Kx

Blanket I am still here. I fell off the bus rather badly and I am trying to get it under control again.

Last night I had a glass and a half then a bottle of half wine half sparkling water.

I so wish I could find the willpower/courage to just chuffing well stop like some of you lot.

ginger only some of us
some of us are also still looking for the elusive willpower.
this is Day 3 for me and it is shocking just how much of an achievement that actually is! 2 nights without booze and you would think I had conquered Everest stark naked!

ma. it is an achievement. how are you feeling?

Mia - I know I am welcome on here, as everyone is great, but for several reasons am a-lurking. Thanks for saying that though.

Sorry you are feeling so blue. My dh never wanted to get married (but then again nor did I), it wasn't til nearly 10 years and 2 kids that he proposed. I was staggered! It was the last thing I or anyone expected - he always dismissed marriage as inconsequential and hates being centre of attention. He bloody loved all the attention on the day! I guess what I'm saying is people do change, he might still do it off his own bat. But if he doesn't your relationship is still strong. If we hadn't got hitched I'd still be happy enough.

Please don't drink tonight. Not because it's the end of the world if you drink one day out of 9. But because you will be drinking as a crutch. You will be telling yourself 'I can't cope with this without a drink'. That is the thinking we all need to get away from. You can cope without wine. You really can. If I were you I would get some serious supplies in - chocolate, crisps, a DVD blah blah blah.

ma I am yet to get a day 1 under my belt!