Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Today, what a great story! I hope that will be an inspiration to others - the split is easy compared to mindfucking the split beforehand!

And I second what you say about Women's Aid not just being for those who are physically abused. They really, really get emotional and other abuse. If you're still in the relationship, you'll be surprised that they take EA even more seriously that you currently do.

womens aid have suggested that i go into a refuge.. :S
has anyone been in one?
i'm a bit worried about what to do.
eek!

Hmmph! Well the support from DF and DSM didn't last long, honestly, you'd think they'd put me before their business... Not my fault I can't sleep, need wine and a decent shower, they made it pretty clear they don't really want me. Still DF is going to get all my stuff from ex's place and store it at theirs, which is something. I'd go back to my own flat, but it's got tenants. Have arranged to stay with a friend, as I said to DF and DSM, I can hardly commute to London from Borsetshire!

Don't care about posting under own name any more, turns out ThePinkPussycat was taken anyway.

Hi again Leonie. Sorry to hear about lack of support from your family. But very glad you have somewhere else to stay. I hope your friend looks after you.

sunrise there is a good thread started earlier this year by CovertTwinkle that should put your mind at rest.

Sunrise, my experience of a refuge was very positive. The staff there did a lot to support me and "deprogramme" me. It was especially valuable when I was about to rush into an agreement with ex to let him have the majority of care for DD. I felt so guilty and worried how I would cope and he got me at such a weak moment I very nearly agreed.

I got on well with the women there - nice peaceful evenings playing Scrabble! There was the odd tension, but on the whole it was a great stepping stone towards my new life.

thanks pink and nickname, the coverttwinkle thread was good. made me teary! (a lot of things do)
I just don't know if i need to be ther as

1. i am with my parents however not getting great support here at the moment and i think we have all had enough of each otehr and
2. i worry how it would effect my little baby.

the refuge that covert described sounded lovely but i am worried they wouldnt all be like that. one woman described here experience as rough!

sunrise I was in the refuge for a year and a half, and I loved every minute of it. It helps if you are a gregarious person and get on well with others, but all the women in W.A. refuges have been through similar things to you and they feel the same way you do. I was in one in Northamptonshire and then one in Cumbria and the keyworkers there could not have been more helpful. I actually miss refuge sometimes, and would have no hesitation in going back should the need arise (it won't!). HTH.

My DD was 18 months old and loved being around the other children in the refuge (especially one little boy of around the same age. They used to hold hands, vvvv sweet). She missed them when we left!

sunrise from talking to the other women in the first refuge, many of whom had moved half way across the country from refuge to refuge, I would be suprised if you found them to be rough. they are warm and welcoming and as mentioned above the women have all been there. If it puts your mind at rest the first one I described was a high security one (and supposedly one of the rougher ones) but it obviously depends on the women there. These women were lovely and I didn't feel intimidated at any point. the children all loved playing together - you have a instant play group any time you want one! Equally there's nothing to stop you staying in your room until you feel more ready to mingle. If you want to ask me anything feel free to PM me.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship ten years ago - it lasted three years and at the time, I was madly in love with him. I was constantly trying to make it right, in tears, depressed...the works.

Thank god, I got out and am now happily married to a lovely man with two dc. However, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about what I went through - it kind of haunts me if you know what I mean and I wondered if this is normal, to still be thinking about it all these years later?

thank you all for replying. Covert, great to see you here! I may pm you actually thank you, I'm on my mobile though which can be a little temprimental! your replies have made me feel more confident about taking the step. I need to get in touch with my outreach worker to see what can be done. I think I feel scared that it may seem to be a step back because I am already out of the relationship and fairly comfortable in some ways but I suppose I feel stuck here and going to the refuge may be a way forward. Xxx

luvvie , did you get counselling or any sort of support after your relationship ended?

I don't know if I belong here. I think my relationship has ended very, very recently. My friend thinks it was EA. I just don't know.

YYY to refuge being a way forward. They were like a propellor pushing/supporting me in looking into what my plans were, where I was going to settle etc. I think it is easy to feel a little stuck in a rut when you've left, almost an anti-climax and the support of refuge can really help with that. Plus you get to rant and cry and process all the emotional stuff with women who know what you are talking about. Its that feeling of (I don't really know how to describe it) - banding together in the face of great difficulty I suppose.

Also one lady in the house I was in for a while had gone in a year after getting out of the relationship because she found that it suddenly hit her and she needed the support to get her life back on track. She also then had access to a therapy programme designed to help women who have been "out" for while to recognise boundaries in future relationships, red flags etc.

Please do PM me whenever.

Hi sunrise - I didn't have any counselling after the break up - I guess I just tried to move forward without it. Do you think I should consider it even after all this time?

thank you so much for reassuring me. I think u r right when u say it can feel like an anti climax. Maybe because I thought I had the perfect man and I hadn't planned on being a single mother I didn't make a plan b for if things go wrong. I'm not sure how to get this to pm you but I will be able to get on a computer tomorrow so will try then. Thank u for being so kind.

I will give some examples, I'd like opinions. We didn't live together or have any DCs, so no ties like that.

• telling me not to see particular friends
• telling me I will never find anyone to have children with
• telling me how upset I will be when he meets someone and has babies with her
• yesterday, dressed for work, was wearing a nice dress and shoes. He looked me up and down and said my hair looked horrible up. In front of a mutual friend.
• asking me to pay his rent because if I didn't, he'd have to move back to his parents (two hours away)
• telling me I need to get my teeth fixed
• breaking up with me but telling me he will sabotage any future relationship I have
• breaking up with me, but then telling me, he needs to think things over

Please help me clarify what this is.

Rachel hello.

I came here asking the same questions a while back. He sounds like a tosser you are better off without. He also sounds like he might BE my exP. If he could be in 2 places at once.

luvvie, definitely try and get counselling its never too late. It is still affecting your life after all this time so by getting counselling it may help you to finally shut the lid on it and help you to understand why and how it happened. This book is mentioned constantly but if you haven't already then do read why does he do that by lundy bancroft . It Xx

Hello PillarBox

I've just read this from the OP

helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I'm in tears.

It's like a bingo card.

Thanks sunrise - I think I will order that book. I hope you find a way through your situation and I've no doubt you will because you sound like a strong person. Also, you understand what EA is whereas when it happened to me, I just didn't know what on earth was happening.
It seems to me that the best advice for you to follow is what Women's Aid tell you - they are experts in their field and having support is vital. Sending you lots of love xx

sunrise No need to thank me!! If you want to PM: see the blue bar at the top of one of my posts? On the right hand side of the blue bar it says message poster. Just click that.
No pressure though!!

rachel, from what you are describing I'd say its definitely abuse. he sounds particularly disgraceful and you need to get away from him asap. It is really scary when you realise that your relationship is abusive but luckily there is loads of support out there. First of all ring women's aid! We are here for you too. Good luck Xx