Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi All, Can I join? Never thought of what H did as abuse until recently. He is both emotionally and financially abusive.
He happily has all the bills in my name.
He wants an explanation for any money gone from our joint account if the balance doesn't match what he thinks should be in it.
He has his own account but I must use the joint account.
He can spend any amount of money from the JA and his own no matter what. He has taken hundreds out in one go and I am told to just accept it as he needs it.
If bills are not paid, he is completely innocent as he doesn't deal with them.
He does not contribute to the family budget, I pay everything with TC and CB.
He will belittle me and my family at every opportunity.
He will tell me a am a useless mum, but he doesn't know anything about our ds's, not even their shoe size as that is my job.
He got rid of my friends a long time ago.
With all of this I have amazingly almost broken free. As my boys are both sn, working was out of the question, I used to work evenings, I started doing volunteer work and have really gain in confidence. I realised recently that this was all wrong. I have confronted him and we have agreed to separate. As he has nowhere to go, I have agreed to let him stay here for no longer than 4 weeks while he finds a flat and gets the funds together to move in. And, wow I feel better. It would be great if he could just go now but I know that isn't possible so I will wait. I will be packing his stuff and kicking him out if he is not gone in 4 weeks but I can now relax, a little bit anyway as I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you sunrise.

Just one thing.

I tend to assume WA is for people who are victims of violence and who are getting out of a domestic situation. We never lived together. So I just have to stay away.

I've just thought of another...texting constantly when I am out, accusing me of flirting with men and if I love him, I will go home.

rachel WA is for anyone who is in an abusive relationship. But be glad you don't share a home.

Can you block his number on your mobile (or change numbers). So much easier when technology does the ignoring for you!!

How did/does everyone deal with those people who don't believe you and think he is a lovely man and you're overeacting? If this has happened to you that is.
I am very angry at other people at the moment and am trying to stop myself ranting on my facebook page where some of them are. I'm mainly really pissed off at his ex wife, she never stood up to him and is a complete doormat. She thinks she is controlling him but really she is behaving exactly as he wants her to and giving him all her power. His family and him all slag her off and go on about what a useless mother she is. Instead of proving them wrong she just gets worse and worse.
I'm angry because she has repeatedly tried to get me to be the same. Handing my children over for full weekend access like she does, even though he is not looking after her children properly. I've told her everything about what really goes on with him but she isn't interested.
There are so many other people too. I confided in my midwife last year but when she met him she thought he was lovely, kind and helpful. She had been a great support until then.
Grrr people should listen, if they did these arsehole men might not be able to keep doing it.

They go 'Oh, there are two sides to every story', but sometimes, there just aren't.

Without the understanding I've found here, I would have no-one who really got it.

Thats just it. One side is true (mine) and the other, a pack of lies (his)
I hate being called a liar because i can't actually lie to save my life. I'm always honest regardless of whether its right to be or not.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure anyone in rl gets how bad my ex is.

I have to take the children to a childrens centre for him to have contact tomorrow morning and i'm dreading it.

I still can't get over other people thinking I'm the crazy one. And I am too scared to even lay into him on here to get validation. Half the time I feel like I am making it up to make myself feel better for putting him in the state he is currently in. Fortunately all my family and friends DO agree he is a cock (more than I do).

Plus, to my shame, I still think I deserved the abuse :(

Oh roses [hug]

Have a little rant, go on.... I was not perfect in my relationship, that does not mean I deserved abuse, and neither do you.

Oh dear. That sounded very woe is me. Was feeling really strong then got hit out of nowhere.

It's early days since I left and I actually left at a point where our relationship was at one of the best periods it's ever been. Sometimes feel like I should have tried harder. But then, I think it was only not that bad because I was trying my hardest not to upset him and to avoid conflict.

Ok, I am going to vent. And I am also going to put my automatic excuse for his behaviour. Hopefully seeing it on screen will make me realise it's rubbish and hopefully some of you can too.

• text me all the time when out, asking when i would be home. Got to the point where it was easier to just not go out. Felt panicky when I was late home from work....would get guilt tripped for staying late (defence: just wanted to spend time with me, never actually stopped me going out (by saying no or using force), but would just make me feel bad for it)

• told me that he was not sure he could have children with me because I had bad genes (there are a lot of problems in my family). Said I was probably infertile.

• disliked every single one of my friends and family. Said horrible things about them. I started to believe him (but he is entitled to his honest opinion, isn't he?)

• made me feel obligated to have sex. Moaned about ferquency. Got angry when I didn't want him to do certain things to me...I always gave in even if it hurt me. Gave me very tender cuddles thennrotally withdrew if i refused sex (could have just said no rather than giving in. Didn't try hard enough to meet his needs. He never (well rarely) physically forced me)

• demonstarted his physical strength against me all the time. Pushing me, blocking me, squeezing hands and wrists, punching my hand (all done in a jokey way, I pushed back (ok, that's pathetic, he was a hulk) he never would lash out in an argument, never hit me). did hurt me though, but it was a joke

• I gave up all my hobbies. It was easier not to have any. He insulted them, said they were arrogant (i blame myself for this, he wouldn't have stopped me going, should have been stronger)

• told me I had only done so well in my career because my company had lax standards, I would never have got that position anywhere else (ok, no defence there, I am excellent at my job)

So, you see my minimising thinking pattern. Please tell me that he relationship was unhealthy?

The source of my guilt? I was grossly unfaithful early in our relationship. My logic in thinking I deserved it is flawed...:he didn't know until years after the event.

I have no idea what a normal relationship is....I have only ever been with him and had been over half my life, including all my teenage years. I got (still get) all my validation from him. He would never admit he behaved badly, most people think he is wonderful...so how can I learn to trust myself?

Sorry for typos, on phone. Plus - it's 5.30 on a Saturday morning. I should be asleep!

Told me, after I left, that I'd never be happy with a wet walkover of a husband like all my friends have. Their husbands are great!

This is classic abuse, [roses].

We were both unfaithful, him first, then me, tho I have to say mine was with someone who couldn't really get it up (pisshead). I do wonder if ex just could not forgive, and was punishing me, albeit unconsciously.

So why won't I believe it?

I guess years of programming probably.

We, the abused, are usually inclined to think the best of others, (and often, the worst of ourselves). Hence the feeling that there was a good man in there somewhere, and it's our fault he didn't show that side of himself.

Don't worry if you don't believe it (yet), he made you unhappy and you got out. You say upthread you are at a different stage of life from most on here, I am nearly 60 and spent much of my adult life in the relationship, kids are grown, is that more your stage?

No, i'm 26. Spent all my adolescence and all my adult life so far in that relationship.

And yes, I see the best in everyone and the worst in myself.

Pillarbox, you should try not to doubt yourself so much. He made you feel really bad, was violent, isolated you...all that is abuse. You feel so low after years of abuse that is is hard to put your finger on why and what exactly is going on. I am wishing you strength.

I got back from being away visiting family with the DCs to a letter from a solicitor asking me to attend mediation as the relationship has broken down. I have not mentioned receiving it yet, I need to think. Dp was out till late last night and I think he thought it was a letter that arrived this morning as he brought me the post while I was in bed feeding dd! Anyway, I am relieved, the process has started now, I just couldn't find the energy and strength to get the ball rolling. I have WA appointment on we'd, any ideas how I find a solicitor? I am a sahm, so assume I'll get legal aid? Anyone know?

He is another that many do not see for what he is, though I see that some people do. He has been bad mouthing me to as many people as he can, I heard him on the phone to his father and he read me an email from a mutual friend he had 'confided' in, before i went away. Of course, as he lies they think I,m mad, nasty, vindictive, aim thinking about calling both the friend, Syria ore his friend from uni, and his dad to tell them my 'side'....?

Excuse those typos, the friend is really hos friend from uni, though I know her well

choozy the sad truth is if you respond they will just think this confirms that you are mad, nasty and vindictive. Do you have people onside in RL?

If the relationship is abusive, I don't think you are obliged to go to mediation - I had to start the mediation process as part of financial settlement case, but as Ex chose not to respond to his mediation letter, the case was signed off back to the court at my assessment meeting.

Okay, question, might be controversial, but has anyone been provoked into behaving in a fashion they aren't proud of and was used against them, and is this EA?

e.g. Late day at work. Ex not at work. I'm stressed. I get in. I make dinner. I'm tucking into it. I put parmesan on it. He mutters 'not too much, you don't want to get fat' (I'm an 8). Keeps taunting me. I clear up. He mutters something else. I purposely drop the plates, cutlery, left overs and a bottle of sauce on the floor.

I've lobbed a drink over him too, after being called a slag for talking to a friend of his, while it was okay for him to grab a stranger's bum.

I'm utterly ashamed of these things I did. Really really I am. And I know that's abusive what I did. But if I was provoked...and he admits to trying to wind me up that first instance, is that EA? Or am I a bad person?

You're not abusive. You are human!

He provoked you. He knew what he was doing. Don't apologise, hell don't even clear it up!

Go out and get dinner somewhere else.

Everything you describe is HIM manipulating you. Sounds like EA to me.

How long you been with this idiot?

You are NOT a bad person Rachel. IMO when you react in that way its evidence to him that his control and manipulation is working. You've gone from being that strong person to one "loses it" which he can then use as evidence that you are the problem EG. "She lashes out, has such a temper on her, I only mentioned a concern about her eating habits and she totally overeacted!"

You are not a bad person. Please repeat this

Thank you HappyHissy. This is going back a few months now. But guess what, in every argument it would get brought up.

I'm trying to get out of it now. It's been 6 months, but we were involved on and off for a few years before that.

Between this and the red flags thread, I'm trying to make sense of it all.