Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Fool.
I am collecting opinions on what my text sounded like. Particularly, as is seems to have been met with deafening silence from FW!
How are things with you?

Fingers: To me, your text just sounds a little stressed, but perfectly reasonable. But it's hard to tell with men who are somewhat unpredictable what sort of reaction they might have!

I agree with Fool's previous posts: big changes and some waves of emotion to cope with. But one day, there will be sunny days and cool breezes and friends and a place of your own and PEACE. x

I think it's fine, considering. It's more than I managed to achieve, I just froze, switched off the phone(s) and refused to answer him until I was strong enough to have a go at him.

the early days are a rollercoaster, it DOES settle down.

When are you going to move to your own place? Once you know you have a safe FW free place, you will start to relax. ATM it's too raw still.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks Big and Hissy
How is everyone this morning?

How did the second date go Hissy?
I fly to England on the 10th July.

Morning all! Was going to do more work yesterday to prep sol with full facts for upcoming meeting, instead chilled and read MN. Think that was the right choice!

:) Pink

Hi IDeprive and others stuck with FWH's

Eye-contact is a great place to start. Do not make eye-contact with him at all if you can help it. This is where I started, as then I couldn't see his anger or frustration and didn't spend every second in Fear. And yes, Fear has a capital letter. Eye-contact (or lack thereof) helped me to start feeling again, and it's when I began to not love him anymore. It helps to leave if you don't actually love the person you're with.

It is so very lovely to be able to do what you want all the time. I'm still amazed every day when I wake up not in Fear, and I don't have to feel guilty or scared if I want the day in pyjamas. The first few weeks are hard but a huge relief, and we are here to hold your hand if that's what you choose to do.

Don't expect it to be loveliness straight away, you will feel sad, very angry, lonely, guilty, overjoyed, excited, and every other emotion. Expect this, and it will all be okay. It just gets better and better.

I'm thinking of you all in awful places at the moment, If I could wave a magic wand you'd all be where I am (but with Nice Man which I haven't got as I now have trust ishoos). Keep strong, keep posting, we're here for you.

Morning all and a miserable wet one it is too. I did so enjoy the weekend of jubilating!

I have been pondering my DD2 and her distress. I think FWH has been manipulating her because she mentioned "all this talk of solicitors and divorce" and "you don't even want to be in the same room as Dad". Well I haven't breathed a word about having a solicitor so he must have discussed it with her. And I have never talked about our family meals that he has now ended.
Would it be in order do you think to say to him "Our DD is distressed. Please do not discuss the divorce with her as it is inappropriate"? He has a girlfriend to moan to if he wants after all! I know he will be trying to "get her on his side" because he wants everybody to see him as the hard done by reasonable one.

Lemon: That's so crap. :( What you suggest saying is perfectly reasonable. The problem will be that if you say it to him 'in the flesh' then he will end up making you feel like a crazy loon who is imagining things.... (I would guess!)

I guess I would maybe try to calm DD down and reassure her by saying things like "Oh, this stage is always a bit grim, it's all something you can't do without paperwork and lawyers unfortunately, but it will be over soon." and as to the not-being-in-the-same room then say something like "Well that's just a normal part of separating, getting used to being apart. It's ok to feel sad about that but we still both love you." etc etc

It's hard isn't it? I expect your FWH is complaining about the cost of lawyers because obviously that's HIS money you are pissing up the wall...

xxx

I'm sure he is moaning because he didn't want to get a solicitor at all "because they just make it adversarial and we can agree it all between us!" and I KNOW I won't be able to stand up to him. Then the one he chose is the senior partner in a big Divorce factory I went to for advice early on so my lovely Solicitor has objected as it's a conflict of interests (and he says is tricky negotiator!) So FWH will be mightily peed off with me. Ulp!

But why involve DD? Bastard!

oh and fingers I think your FWH is reeling because you have taken control and given him some firm boundaries over communications and you have closed down the option that allowed him to carry on bullying you into submission in your home.
Your text says just that.
"Don't mess with me Loser I want none of your nonsense!"
He won't be liking it.

Hi Lemon Looks like we are in similar positions with regards to daughters.
FW picked DD1 up yesterday - I had the feeling he would, so I asked her.
She knows that I think it is unacceptable for either parent to talk to her about 'the situation'. I asked if he had, and she said no. Why then was she so down. She cheered up later.
I don't think FW are receptive to any discourse that involves the wellbeing of anyone other than FWs themselves. I am going to say to DD, again, that I do not want her father talking to her about anything she feels is upsetting, and see what happens.
And, indeed, FWs 'don't like it up 'em'!
Strength to us all.

AF and Lemon your poor girls, how could their Dads treat them like that? . I admit it makes me feel a little relieved that my DD is too young to be a pawn in my NSDH's game, and more determined to resolve things completely one way or the other by the time she's old enough to truly understand such callousness. Big hugs to you and your girls.

Nodding in agreement with today about eye contact - I rarely make it with NSDH now, nor do I tell him I love him, or have any physical contact at all. This doesn't appear to bother him anymore.

The rest of my weekend wasn't too bad, after saturday I think I just went on auto-pilot. It was FW-FIL's birthday on Monday so I had the threat of him visiting/us going up there hanging over me all weekend, but NSDH didn't raise the subject again. I expect he'll try to arrange something this weekend, God help me.

We had a little street party on Monday with most of the neighbours, great fun and DD loved it (she thinks she owns the street!). Unfortunately, as usual when there is a BBQ involved, NSDH completely monopolised the cooking and spent all day glued to the BBQ, leaving me to look after DD. Luckily the neighbours love her so she had plenty of people to play with, which meant I could get a drink for a change.

NSDH was very drunk, however, and quite rude to a pregnant neighbour. He shouted at her for carrying a table he never once helped me carry things when I was preggo. She'd had some grief off a student neighbour recently so he told her she should have come to him for physical backup but when our horrible neighbour made my life a misery when I was preggo he told me to put up & shut up. He honestly thinks he's a good guy .

Then after the party finished all the neighbours, including NSDH, went up the pub and I stayed at home as DD was by this point asleep. Made me a little that nobody said goodbye or offered to babysit (including NSDH of course) but that's the path I've made for myself, I should be used to it by now.

Strength to those of us with FWs, and peaceful nights to those that are out. And lots of for everybody.

wonders will never cease..NSDH has posted a (post dated) cheque thru' the letterbox. First sign of money for 7 months...am deeply suspicious!!

The note with it suggested that it was "too much" according to the govt. calculator and that it was offered "without predjudice"(sic). Has he forgotten that he is making me stay in the family home even though i can't afford the mortgage as he won't sell??

I am sure this is not a coincidence...he has decided to go for mediation and i am going for assessment next week. Really, really hoping that they assess us as unsuitable!" still jumping thru' the hoops but have end game in sight now. At least he is out of the country for a week and has a room a good 20 miles away for when he returns!

Hi Fool I don't know if this is relevant, but I have had numerous problems with work over owed back pay.
The odd payment they have made over the years has always been met by a lawyer's letter saying that the payment has been accepted as an advance on what is to be agreed for the final settlement.
Don't trust FWs further than you can kick them - of course, who's to say that cheque will clear.

thanks fingers absolutely!!

He is still being the person he was before, during and after leaving. this is, I know, not surprising!

However, he is regrouping and I can feel a charm offensive coming on. His bad behaviour over the last months has been very helpful in maintaining my position of indirect contact for the DCs and I am somewhat dreading the next person who comes along and tells me how "good" he is being and how "well" he is doing.

It was very empowering to know that I had supported us for 7 months whilst he had done nothing for us.

I will definitely reply in the same vein as your lawyer.

Go Foolgo!

OK there are 4 messages left on this thread...do you think we should kill it now as my DCs are off school and i may not get back in time to set up the next thread.

plays funeral march

exit slowly stage right

see you on thread 9 everyone