Morning all.
sorry to have been off the board for so long,problem is that the thread is so large, it crashes my phone and the tablet is juddery, I need to be on the laptop, and sadly when I am on that, I REALLY have to be working....
There are sooo many ((((HUGS)))) that I need to give to so many of you, I am so terribly sorry that so many are suffering at the hands of those that should be treating you better.
What we all have to learn is to PLEASE OURSELVES.
They are asking questions that WE answer so technically they 'making the effort'
BUT
They are not ACTUALLY investing anything into the relationship/enjoyment/life. If we have the audacity to moan the reply would be 'Well I DID ask you, but you didn't come up with anything.... ' and often they will tack on an '..as usual'
SO. This is actually the case with ALL aspects of the relationship. TAKE BACK CONTROL.
Firstly we all here KNOW that this relationship is WRONG, don't we? If we establish this bit, the rest gets a little easier.
Once we understand that this is WRONG, or even 'NOT RIGHT', all we need to do is remind ourselves that others don't live like this, and WHEN we get out life WILL be easier.
Back this thinking up by understanding one thing: HOW could it possibly be any WORSE?
Somewhere to live can be sorted out, money too. Yes it may mean a change, but for the love of cheeses, change is demanded, it's essential. THIS can't go on. Police will back you, SS will back you, GPs will back you, HV will back you. Anyone with a brain will back you. You just need to believe this.
I got out, the first word I learnt was NO.
If something didn't work for me, then I refused to do it. It was SO liberating! I started refusing to put up with shit from the NowX before he left, it was bewildering for him the poor ickle lamb. It was hard to do, but I remained fixed and focussed on knowing that the future without him meant that I could go on a cheap bucket and spade holiday without stress, that I could work and have my own money without him spending it, that I could live without being badgered for sex.
I felt that I was standing on a shoreline, staring out at the sea that was my future, I could see a tidal wave approaching (HIM/Leaving) I knew that if I ran away, I'd never get to the calmer water on the other side, that the wave would always be there, ready to chase me further and further away from where I wanted to be.
All I had to do was stand my ground. Watch the tsunami of him leaving approach, stay rock solid in my foundations, maintain my position and let him and his departure from my life wash over me, taking the fear of separation with it.
When I left him at Heathrow, it followed a tortuous 1 hour journey with him in panic, using every manipulative trick in the book. When I wheelspun away left it took me 3/4 of the journey to realise where I was as I was in a traumatised fog until a junction away from my village.
Nowadays I don't put up with shit from anyone anymore, I don't speak to those that are rude, or who have insulted me, and make no superhuman efforts for anyone that has failed me in the past, I'm keeping those that are vaguely useful in my life, until they are no longer of use, those that aren't can jog on. If i take offence at something, I ask what soandso meant by that, as it sounded like a pop, and if I don't get a satisfactory explanation, that is enough for me.
I'm not about to sit there and wait for seconds.
There were a couple of people that were there for me, that listened, that sympathised, that bothered to ask how I was. That was all I needed at the end of the day, my own family couldn't send a text to ask, but others could. I honour those that were there for me, I tell them how much they mean to me, and they know what a HUGE role they played and continue to play in my life, that I love them and owe them so much.
Life's not perfect, but it has a WHOLE LOT OF HOPE. We'll get there.
SO... In the interim, how to get through this crappy pointless Q&A stuff as detailed by GoodDay?
Have a think about what YOU would like to do, what can be achieved without TF input ideally, cos even if you present the best activity in the world, the fact that YOU want to do it and it would make YOU/DC happy, will be enough for him to totally veto it, or worse fuck it up and make it look like YOU did it.
So if he asks about doing XYZ, you can take interest and say Yeah! let us know when you want to do that. But don't chase him.
He of course won't do a thing, so you then say, DC and I are going to do ABC, seeing as you seem to have changed your mind about XYZ. Go and do it, with the DC and leave him behind.
if he wants to come, OK, but be prepared for him to try to ruin it, call that out at every opportunity, leave him where he is if you need to and come home. Make sure you have your keys of course, or go to a family member/friends house.
Those from Manipulo are overgrown toddlers, they push every boundary and act up to get attention. Ignore it, and suit yourself.
Ultimately you show them that their tantrums will not work. Take the control, the moral high ground and the power back.
You are not going to let a toddler get the better of you now are you?