Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Cinderally, I would seriously advise you to swear off men for at least a year, while you work on rebuilding yourself. Be alone for a while. Find out who you are - and that you can manage - without a man in your life.

The Freedom Programme is an excellent group therapy (and free) for women who have left abusive relationships. I would also advise individual counselling.

Get a shit hot lawyer.

Give your children stability and unconditional love. Read "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Lundy Bancroft if you find that years of witnessing and enduring abuse has affected them (which it will have).

Whoops. *Cinderella

Although Cinderally does have a certain je ne sais quoi.

He is an utter wanker.

Also what hotdamn said. X

Thanks for book tip, that looks great ....

As far as my partner, I'm not letting him go again and there's no pressure there. He knows the score and he's the complete opposite of my ex.

We see each other when we don't have the kids, occasionally when we do and school hols so taking it easy.

The children are back tonight after a week with their Dad. What worries me is that even when he's supposed to be on holiday spending quality time with them he's emailing and texting emotionally abusive emails x

ignore his emails and texts. Breathe and let them roll off you - he is trying to get to you; don't give him the satisfaction. Respond only regarding specifics of contact arrangements for the kids. Keep his texts and emails on file though in case they are useful fo legal proceedings later (to prove need for contact order, for example)

HotDamn - i've kept a diary for the court of positive and negative things.

Some days it's easy to but on others it really gets to me

Blow off steam here!

We love pointing and laughing at twuntish texts/e-mails...

What are you doing that's for YOU? Any hobbies or interests you could pick up that are just yours? You need to give yourself some 'time off' from the emotional exhaustion and get happily distracted. Appreciate that might be hard with lots on your plate, but do give yourself what time you can that is just 'your' time. It's a good way to start reclaiming yourself..

I don't know if I belong here, but thought I would mark my place. I posted last night under a different name. I have skim read a lot of things about abuse today, for the first time, and am so confused, I now think I might be the emotional abuser.

Passive .... What makes you think that,

I'm sure you'll get lots of support on here

Unless your my ex (just joking) !!!!

I've not done anything that's for me and I need to. I thought about that today funnily enough and will make that my goal x

I thought that about myself, passive, but no, it was my rage/helplessness response to his more clinical verbal and emotional abuse...

Cinderella he is an utter utter bastard.
I dont know whether i belong on this thread. I am almost 39 and my husband is 62. He doesnt touch me at all,no hugs no affection and no sex life for the past 16 years. I lost a lot of weight in the early Noughties and then had a long term affair which i got the blame for . My mum blamed ME for it when i mistakenly confided in her even though when i had my affair DH hadnt touched me for 7 years at that point. When the affair ended i comfort ate for a long time and am now losing weight again quite successfully but i desperately would like some affection in my life.

Oh Cinderella I do feel for you. My X also uses my son against me and it's horrible. I don't know how they can justify what they're doing to their own children. My 5 yr old says things like 'why are you taking all of daddy's money?' I got awarded 50% and he is refusing to give it to me. Wanker.

The Freedom Program is really good and I would recommend it to you. Also councelling could help.

Try telling your kids how much they mean to you, and that you love them very much. Do not, and I repeat do not, slag your ex off to them as tempting as this is, or they will think less of you. It is so hard to do that, but your kids will realise what's going on. Reassure them that they are the most important people in your life rather than your ex.

Chin up, you will come out the other side much happier.

Hello everyone. I'm "outing" myself after having lurked on here for ages. Have been reading one of the books linked to in the OP. Thanks for that, foolonthehill. And thanks to all of you here, generally, for being here.

carernotasaint - I've read your posts elsewhere and found them really helpful.

to be honest, I'm a bit wobbly right now, for various reasons And am probably going to go back to lurking - or maybe that should be "ghosting" - for a little bit. Just feeling a sort of generalised fragility at the moment.

Thankyou Ruhe thats a very kind thing to say. Sorry you are feeling wobbly. We are all here for you whenever you feel ready xx

Feeling wobbly too. However...just got back from my first night out in 5 years. I'm 25 for goodness sake and hadn't set foot in a club in 5 years! And before that never without him...
Had a nice time but still feeling very broken.

PassiveHoovering I'm just going to post and run.

It is very unlikely that you are abusive if you are soul searching here trying to understand your sitauation. If you ready St Lundy he is pretty clear that women rarely abuse men, so if you are a woman stats are on your side.

I posted like you that I thought I was abusive, and in my rage and despair I probably was, but that behaviour did not make me an Abuser. Good people do bad things sometimes. I have changed completely since leaving my FWH.
Keep reading and posting and tell us examples of what troubles you and we will try to help.

Off out now to do serious sports event...

Hi all...WOW you ladies don't hang around!!

will catch up properly later but hope that posters/ghosters/lurkers and all are having a peaceful evening!!

xxfool

passivehoovering
second what littlehouse said. but also, if your partner is manipulative, then part of the control is to twist things and make it seem as if you're the abusive one. you're maybe just defending yourself?

Hi can I join this thread? My abusive ex left 2 months ago but it took a lot to make him go. I now have a non molestation order against him and a prohibitive steps order to stop him taking the children from me.
I'm doing the freedom programme and have a bok that is helping me see what he was really like.
I'm really struggling at the moment though. I saw what he was like a long time ago but thought there was also a good side to him. Now I can see there never was and I wasted 6 years of my life. I also can't get over the guilt of having 2 children with him and that due to me being a complet idiot and not walking away at the start, they now have a useless father. I don't regret having my children at all but wish they had a good father.
He managed to convince everyone I was the problem and was lovely to me in front of others but when it was just us and our children he wsa awful. I still feel very scared of him and his family as his parents own the house I live in. I will be moving out but at the moment its hard because they believe its all my fault and he never did anything wrong.
I have been abusive too but it was through fear and post traumatic stress disorder. I used to get so angry at the way he was treating me I felt like I was going to explode and would scream and shout. He never showed any emotion, sorrow, never apologised.
It seems to have hit me in the last couple of days, just how evil he was to me and still is really.
I don't know how to get through this. Sorry for waffling on

NHAN you wouldn't have had children with him had you fully realised not only what he was like, but that he wouldn't change. We here for the most part believe the best of people, we think that as partners supporting each other we can both move forward together. That is a good thing to think, and of course having acted on it by getting together and having kids, it takes time to disengage once we realise that that mutual growth isn't going to happen.

You have done right by your children now, don't worry too much about your current feelings, it's all part of the healing process.

Thank you for responding to me. He still says he loves me and would like us to get married. Well he did until weds when the orders were served on him. I know its all games and he never felt anything for me but it doesn't help cope with it.
Nobody has ever loved me, except my children I guess and the fact i'll never find that now is really hard to cope with.
I wanted it to be true and even though I never believed him, i stupidly hung around hoping he would show it one day. I really am a complete idiot

You sound like you need a hug, so here's a [hug] (and a , I've usually got one on the go).

Lots of people on here say that eventually a Lovely Man may appear, but do not look for one, concentrate on loving yourself - me, not only am I long in the tooth, but I am so looking forward to being on my own [grin ]

Nhan someone will love you one day, but I do recognise the feelings. I think its very hard, the realisation that the person who should love you most in all the world in fact doesn't. When the penny finally dropped for me (and it took 20 yrs) so you're not on your own with this. I raise you 20 yrs for your 6! When I finally faced it I was quite scared, and found the world to be quite scary iuswim. Don't beat yourself up. I think most people on this thread, and the previous numbered threads 1-7 have felt the same way.
Hi Pink have pm d you.

NHAN - there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it and even if your tunnel takes a few more twists. I know mine will but you have to think long term and just get through the 'for now' because that's what it is. When I moved out my friend bought me a wall script sticker that says "I can't start a new beginning but I will make a new ending"

Over the last week my ex has used posessions such as our dog (by dogknapping him), something of mine that my late father left me (by telling me he's selling it) and my sons bike as emotional blackmail.

He's had the children for a weeks holiday and made them (in the car) take off any clothes that he had ever bought them before they came home. My 7 year old had to remove her t-shirt and just wear her zip up cardi.

I have to calm the children down when they come back and all the time he's telling them that they have to tell CAFCASS that they want to live with him and if they don't he'll have no money and be really sad.

Niffler ..... Well done for going out, don't leave it another 5 years :)))