Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

My GP already knows about the abuse, I'm seeing her regularly as I am taking ADs because of his behaviour! and I'm seeing a counsellor who specialises in abuse, so there is a record of his behaviour, just sometimes if I wasn't at the end of it I'd find it unbelievable that this charming wonderful man could really be capable of this level of behaviour. The trouble is I wouldnt harma fly and I expect people to be the same!

Oh and Power and Control - When Charming Men make Dangerous Lovers... that'll help too! I am still reading it... on a pause, need to start up again!

Your only defence is the truth. He doesn't have that. The Dr won't pander to him, she will note any contact he has with her as further violence/abuse against you.

Understand that this man is POWERLESS, he can't do anything against you, but with the team you already have on your side, you have more power over him. You need to go public with this abuse, tell more and more and more agencies. Can you call the DV unit at the local police station and ask for their advice?

You have to find a fighting spirit, you have to stand up to him.

The end is always the hardest bit, but it's just like giving birth. Once you get to the end stages, one final push and it's DONE. focus on your life the other side of this, don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.

I'm so glad his behaviour is on record. And for an abusive man to be charming in public is totally standard behaviour. I know what you mean, I think of people as being basically good. It's quite possible that men like this target women who think this way. For a while, they like their reflection in your eyes (if that makes sense).

Seconding Hissy on reading the Lundy book.

HappyHissy you're wonderful, thanks for links. He's just talking through his arse isn't he? I saw my counsellor on Tues and I think that if she thought I needed sectioning she would have mentioned something eh?
I was with husband 25 yrs, he snapped up a gullible 16 yr old and has sucked out every bit of my soul! god that sounds pathetic. I can't wait for everything to be over and to get a life basically! he's stopped me from doing anything while he's had a fantastic life full of fun and excitement!!! while keeping me down where i belonged!!!

Yes Happy I didnt think it could get any worse, but he's stepped up to a whole new level, even dragging poor kids into abuse and turning them against me cause I'm divorcing poor daddy!
Nickname I'm sure he preyed on me as he was determined to win me over and get a doormat he could wipe his feet all over and who wouldnt even question it!

Just spoken to solicitor who said its hard but just try to ignore him, it won't be for much longer!
And she said from her point of view she's quite happy that I'm pefectly sane and its him who's got the problem!

How old are the DC?

I'm guessing (If my 6yo can get it) that they GET it. Tell them the truth!

Age appropriate, of course! Tell them that you are leaving H and you are divorcing him because this is NOT the way that a man should treat a woman, and much less the mother of his children.

See if you can get some help from your therapist on how to talk to them.

At the end of the day, the truth will bear YOU out, he will be shown up for what he is.

Now you know his game, you are stronger. Knowledge is power!

Keep posting, talking to us and keep asking us questions. It's the only way you will really understand what has happened TO you.

They are 15 17 20 and 23! oldest not at home!
he so sly and mannipulative, I genuinely feel scared for them, and my counsellor said he abusing them too but he/they cant see it! They have actually joined in with some of his abuse! He knows the children are my life and thats the one thing that can hurt me, he's thrown out or broken sentimental belongings of mine in the past but my kids are my life, thats why i stayed with him this long, too long!

Oh. Have you posted before?

Did he throw away your DC pictures?

You will NOT stand for disrespect from HIM or from THEM. You need to say that this treatment of you is abusive and they need to see that. They are old enough to understand that NO-ONE else lives like this.

Be strong, to BEYOND all limits, that it is absolutely YOUR right to be treated with equality and respect. Your DC have been abused every single day they have lived in that environment. This is the reason we always say to get out today rather than tomorrow as one extra day of abuse is another day we have to try to repair.

These wounds don't heal on their own.

Time to get tough ladybird, you can do it! you have to do it! (((HUG)))

No HappyHissy not posted here before, I'd be devastated if he threw photos away, no it was pieces of furniture and ornaments left to me by my nanna and other members of my family :-(
Yeah I just take the abuse and go into bedroom and cry I'm such a soft target that even my most sensitive offspring has started with the behaviour too. I'm just frightened that they'll think that that is the right way to treat people.
Deep breath Get tough no more Mrs pushover!
Bless you for calming me down and rationalising today for me

Trouble is Ladybird, if it's not challenged, they WILL think that this is the way that wives and girlfriends are treated, and to either dish it out in the case of sons, or take it in the case of daughters.

You are in a MUCH stronger position that you realise love. Talk to your counsellor, see if you can get some telephone counselling, or contact WA or Respect. Don't take this lying down anymore.

You are a year younger than I am (if 69 is your birth year) you can do this. You are STILL a very young woman. You have half your life ahead of you. Your children need you to get out of this and to show them how life is supposed to be; happy, free and equal. Not like this.

I can already see one of sons has traits like his father, that worries me.

I think H trying to threaten and intimidate me so much that I will run away from it all, but I'm trying to stay strong and stand my ground! He keeps saying you're losing everything! I gotta start replying no you're taking everything! cause at the end of the day thats what he's trying to do.

When H left it was wonderful, no tension, tip toeing around and bowing down, house was full of laughter and joy! he is toxic and whenever he's around it seems to spread to them too

69 is my birth year although feel 100 at least, just so tired from living with him so long. But I will get a life and hopefully the kids will realise its not how he tells them it is.

Stand your ground. You can do it. Let it ALL just wash past you.

I can tell you that I am a year older than you, but feel younger now than I have done in pretty much all of the last 10 years.

This side of an abusive relationship is AWESOME! The free side. As it goes, I think I appreciate the kindness of human beings more than others that haven't had cruelty in their lives. I see that everyone has a choice over how they choose to treat others and I truly value those that choose to be kind.

Don't reply to him. Except, The courts will decide.... You are not losing anything, you are gaining your freedom, your life, your choices and you are saving your family. I hope you get to take this vile creep to the cleaners!

The sooner you get this above son OUT of this toxic environment and tell him how he is backing the wrong horse in some way, the better. I tell my DS that if a man shouts at his wife, she has to leave as it make her sad and it makes her DC sad. (He's 6. He says shouts to mean being mean. He gets it)

Hi everyone,

I originally posted on the first page of this thread as 'TodaysNotAGoodDay' but everything was finalised yesterday so I have name-changed now to reflect my better place . At the expense of boring you, can I tell you my story please?

I got married at 21 to a man who was 33. My father was a control-freak and I didn't recognise that, and I went straight from my parents to the X, and I thought if I chose a man like my father they would think more of me. I was wrong.

The problems started on honeymoon. My new husband was sulky and angry for no apparent reason. When I asked him what was wrong I got glared at.

His behaviour towards me got worse and worse. He was never physically violent to me, but he was so nasty. He sulked, glared, ignored, shouted at, and belittled me, usually behind closed doors. My family and friends thought he was a wonderful person and that I was lucky to have met him. It got so bad that I decided I must be a horrible person to have to live with, and became terrified of him.

I tried everything I could to be a better wife, I tried getting a job, leaving said job to spend more time with him, cleaning like mad (he has cleaning OCD), being chatty, being silent, nothing worked. The only thing he wanted that I didn't was a child. As a last ditch attempt to get him to like me I decided to grant him his wish.

I got pregnant with our wonderful son who is now 5. I expected a little niceness from the X but what I got was anger, sarcasm and irritation. 'You're so fat now. (I put on half a stone after DS was born). You are so lazy, you don't clean like you used to. Why are you sleeping just because the baby is sleeping? It's lunch time FFS'. His behaviour towards me got unbearable. He refused to let me see my friends who I got support from. He also refused to let me work for the last 10 years I spent with him. He chose everything we did. All the home decorating was his choice, all the holidays. Where we went, who we saw. Everything.

When DS was 2 I made the brave decision to leave. I didn't want my son to grow up thinking his father's behaviour was normal. I waited until the X was away for a week and cleaned out the house of all my stuff. I even took DS's cotbed. Then I made the call to Women's Aid. I didn't think they would take me as I hadn't been physically abused, but I was wrong. They welcomed me with open arms. I have never felt so safe as an adult. I began divorce proceedings with my legal aid solicitor, and she supported me through the 3 years the divorce took.

The Absolute came through in February and the final settlement came through yesterday. He no longer has any hold over me and I am so very happy. I have a job I love, the ability to make my own decisions and also a very happy, well-adjusted little boy.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the support I have recieved from the people on this thread, and also to say to those still going through this shit that it will get better. Keep going. Thank you

thank you for psoting this todaysagoodday , it is so great to hear positive stories after abusive relationships. although I don't know you I feel happy for you from just reading what you said. well done for being such a wonderful woman and mummy!

todaysagoodday can i ask you does your son still see his dad?
i've not long split from my ex but we have a child together and sometimes i wonder how i can ever fully move on when we have our DD as a connection. Even though I just see him for 5 mins when handing her over.

Thank you, sunrise. You are very kind. Well done for getting away, it is hard and you desertve a pat on the back . You will move on eventually, but it is hard knowing that this person is going to be in your life forever because of your DD.

My son does see his dad. Funnily enough his dad is great with him, he's just not great with me. He spoils our son and is very lax with discipline so DS comes home and is awful for a few days (pushing, screaming, arguing) but a couple of days with me and he's back to normal. The school knows what's going on, and understand if he comes back a bit 'mad'.

I can't stand seeing my X even when I only see him for 5 mins like you. I was transferred 300 miles away from him as he was still controlling me when I was near him. I still live where I was transferred to, and it's beautiful.

I'm no longer scared when I wake up: thinking 'How's he going to be today? What have I done wrong?' I can deal with him for 5 minutes at a time and I am even learning to say 'no' to him. He took away my life for nearly 20 years, but I'm clawing it back day by day.

The first year or so is the hardest, getting to know yourself again. I am now buying a house and I realised I have no idea what I like decoration-wise. It is going to be such fun finding out . Good luck with learning to be you again!

thank you todaysagoodday :)
it is good that your ex is great with your son although annoying about the discipline. maybe this is his way of still trying to control as he knows it would annoy you?
it's so good that you have your life back now. i am considering moving 100 miles away from my ex, so to read it worked out well for you is fab.
congratulations on the new house and good luck with the decorating! XXX

Thank you

Well done! What lovely, exciting news!

Lovely post today glad to see you are happily on the other side...it is worth it :)

arthritic fingers - hi, hope things are calm xx

HappyHissy you are so right the future will be in Technicolour whereas everythings been grey :-( I'm ready to embrace it.
As for his abuse I will try my best to ignore it and concentrate on ME and the knowledge that its not for much longer.
I just pray that my son hasn't gone too far down the line and I can bring him back into being a decent human being and in time a loving husband and father himself!

Todaysagoodday, wow congratulations and well done for breaking away. You are truly inspirational.
I totally agree the love strength and support here is amazing :-)

Thank you ladybird

Happy Friday all. This thread ended on a very happy note yesterday, thanks for sharing today