Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Kernow I'm so jealous of your holiday, sounds like you had a lovely time. :)
Pink big hugs :(
Aly You definitely had a lucky escape! but at least you saw him for what he was and got out quickly enough. :)

Maybe someone with a bit more experience in this area could shed some light on my musings - is it possible to turn into an EA yourself when you're also being EA'd?

NSDH is still going through his 'I'm being all meek and nice you're the one being unreasonable' phase, he's been buying the occasional little treat - last night he came home with an apple pie for example. (Then he got the hump coz I have a terrible cold and couldn't really taste it). I'm still feeling very hurt and alone after the incident (a month ago now), so any attempts at physical closeness, even holding hands, I don't want to do. I've started to find myself getting angry at stupid things he says and being snappy. Right now I feel like I'm the one scuppering things but I don't feel like forgiving him yet and at the same time, I don't know how he can make things better. :(

We spent the weekend with friends, which was lovely, but he did slip up on Saturday night - our female friend and me wanted to watch Eurovision (he wanted to watch the footy). So he sat on the sofa with a face like a slapped arse all night, told me he wasn't going anywhere when I suggested that he and our male friend go to the pub to watch the footy, and refused point blank to join in our Eurovision drinking game. It was like a dark cloud in the corner all night. Our male friend didn't want to watch Eurovision either but at least he had the decency to giggle at the rubbish songs and join in the drinking. :(

Really gutted as I was supposed to be going for my first counselling session at work today, have really been looking forward to it, but my little DD is poorly so can't go to nursery. Everything seems against me at the moment. :(

Myfault have pm'd you, and just read your post. AF is right, though blunt. My ex is similar to your h, only with him it was computer games, he also refused to get a proper job or work f/t self-employed, blaming my mh - which of course worsened my depression. I kept hoping against hope things would improve - they didn't. I am now divorced (although we are under same roof pending settlement), and guess what no longer depressed.

You are starting to wake up, we are here, we understand

Yes Nini it is possible to become abusive living with an EA spouse. I am ashamed of how I acted during my marriage. I now understand after therapy that when hurt or treated inconsiderately I tend to lash out aggressively and was getting in pre-emptive strikes on my H and having lost respect for him was angry and resentful. There was a weird Passive aggressive thing going on where he was Mr Nice who Never Got Angry and I was Mrs Nasty who acted out all the aggression.

When I left it took a while to realise that away from him I am a chilled and reasonable person who enjoys life calmly and without getting upset. I have been with my DP nine months and he has yet to see me in a temper. It seems to have gone!! I'm not complacent though. I never want to go there again.

nini and lemon. I don't think it's abusive. It's more a reaction to their abuse. Lundy describes it somewhere. They stay very calm because thay are being controlling, but and we are so frustrated and angry, we shout. Then they can claim it's abusive. Of course we get angry and resentful.

You can see that by the way you say lemon that away from him you are chilled and reasonable etc.

Abusive people think they've done nothing wrong so thinking you might be abusive means you're not.

I'm sure some others have explained this better upthread.

LemonDrizzled, as they say on here, are you me?

You can tell by the way they look. - smug that they got a reaction, holier than thou type of look.

We are not abusive we are f*ing angry!
And we all know how damaging

We are not abusive; we are fing angry!!!
With every fing reason, too.
And (apart from my French) we all know how damaging anger is if it is not let out.

Sorry, computer posted twice - probably freudian

lemon are you also me? lol, sounds very similar. I'm also chilled outside the house (unless provoked) and am definitely the calmer parent. He knows how to push my buttons and I do get a bit of a red mist when angry. :(

It's hard to know if I'm being EA or just angry, it confuses me greatly. I think he knows that. He does get this 'holier than thou' look when he winds me up, absolutely.

I really must get that Lundy book, just short on pennies right now (but then again I'm always short on pennies). I did find a cheap copy of Susan Maushart's Wifework in a charity shop the other day, was so thrilled. :)

I've managed to rearrange my counselling session for tomorrow morning, provided DD is well enough for nursery.

LemonDrizzled - I should be fine in about three weeks' time then! (We were together for just under two years, although had I had the courage I should have ended it after a couple of months. But I was in love with him. Sigh.)

Nini I just got the Lundy book out of the library - ordered it from another location so might be worth trying to borrow it perhaps?

Am looking forward to settling in with it tonight after I watch Springwatch on iPlayer :)

PS I started wondering if I was EA because I gave him the silent/barely speaking treatment on a couple of occasions, but I felt very bad doing it. The reason for that though was because we had his kids for the weekend and he'd had such a go at me once for us having an argument while the kids were downstairs that after that I never dared bring anything up while they were there. I was nice as pie to them (because they were super kids) but I did behave somewhat horribly to him. It was always because he'd behaved like a complete prick though.

I think I said somewhere upthread that he once told me his dad had never one apologised to his mum during their long marriage (his mum told him this). I recall at the time thinking "like father, like son". I would always apologise to him if I felt I was in the wrong, but I recall one occasion when he said jokily something nasty under his breath (I think it was "you're useless") and I questioned it, albeit it in a jokey way, and he went mad and denied it and demanded I apologise there and then. He was properly furious. Later that evening he hinted that he may have said it, he couldn't remember, and refused to see why I was so pissed off.

Why didn't I just tell him to fuck off out of my life there and then??

glugs

Kernowgal - I also should be ok in about 6 weeks then - also were together for just under two years, classic whirlwind, got swept off my feet, I thought all you needed was love and if I just worked hard at it, all would be fine. Feel v stupid now.

I do feel better at the moment though. There's an underlying sadness that wont go away, but I'm starting to feel more relaxed, more like me again. It's made a difference, I think, that I haven't seen him now since Saturday (last week it felt like I saw him every couple of days). But I'll see him tomorrow, to drop off DS. I'm going to try and avoid being drawn into a big conversation about how I am, how things are, him rubbing my arm and wanting to give me a hug - given his reaction to me being upbeat on Saturday, I'm going to try and maintain the upbeatness. We're also meeting up on Thursday eve to 'talk', hopefully about finances going forward but I know there'll be other stuff he wants to ask about. Given that I'm trying to move on for now - looking at renting somewhere for me and the boys - but that I do still hope that after counselling etc there's a chance for us, I know I have to set the boundaries that I need for now but I'm not sure what they should be. How do we maintain communication while not being 'together'? He texts me every day (so far), and although in a way I look forward to receiving them, because I miss him, I also find it unsettling that he's invading my asked-for space. I only give a bare minimum reply, usually just about what they boys have been doing. And he's sent me an email of 'thoughts', mainly about how wonderful I am and how much we have going for us and how sorry he is... I've already done two replies, and decided I'll not send either.

Just popping to say feel better and did some gardening and paperwork sorting.

Is the fact that I am a babyboomer and saw the Beatles singing "All you need is love" on its v first airing, on the telly, any excuse for believing that to be true?

No, thought not

Just popping in to say hello. Pony keep strong, sounds like he's doing the classic "drawing back in" behaviour if you don't mind me saying. Maybe look back at early posts to remind yourself of why you need a good long period of time to think without pressure from him?

Dm has now seen an example of fwh's EA, she is shocked and is now fully on side - always was on my side but seemed to think it may be something that could settle down - I explained it wasn't something I could go back to and I need to escape and she saw the light with his highly aggressive, venomous barking about "might as well give the kids heroin every night" (when I'd given ds half a piriton as a one-off because severe hayfever and he couldn't sleep). I am finding this thread and also NatalieJane's incredibly inspiring and it's moved my thinking on a lot.

Hope you're all ok.

pink glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. The Beatles have a lot to asnwer for, ha ha

Lol I'm of the opinion that Disney have a hell of a lot to answer for - nobody ever tells you what happens after you get the 'happily ever after'. Snow White, Cinderella et al - did any of them end up at home holding the baby with an abusive husband?

Kernow unfortunately there isn't a copy of any Lundy book at a library anywhere in my county - its shocking but true. Will try Ebay :)

Had my first counselling session at work today - I cried more than I thought I would, but the counsellor was ace and wants to see me regularly. Unfortunately they can only offer short term help so she's going to get some details for someone longer term for me. She validated a lot of things I've been thinking (and a lot that you all here have told me). A positive step. :)

Not so positive, NSDH rang me at lunchtime to say our old banger needs £350 spending on it, and he's stressing as we 'don't have £3k to buy a new car'. . I told him we don't need a new car so we'll have to get our current one fixed. Simple as.

My sister is with an emotionally abusive man. I can't handle it anymore and have detached myself from her. Around everyone he is a wonderful person. If my sister didn't talk to me, and show me his nasty texts, to her, I almost wouldn't believe it. Every time she has left him, she shows ALL of us (sisters/older nephews who are there for her) his texts... In his eyes we are all incest lovers, we swap partners, and we all like it up the a@s... roll eyes, etc.etc.etc.

At family functions, if he shows up he is friendly and nice to everyone. However, his ears are listening for anything, anyone says... His eyes are watching all.... Then when we leave, my sister gets the brunt of his brutality. He will call everyone down, insult them, turn things they say into something horrible. If anyone brings up my sister's past/childhood, or whatever, he throws it in her face... MEAN. MEAN.

My sister couldn't talk to anyone without it being on speaker phone, just because he would make crap up, about who she was talking to...what they were saying etc.

She couldn't have a facebook account without him having all access/passwords, etc.

He is abusive.

They have been together 6-7 yrs now, and in the past year he has gotten more braver and fights infront of me, and my children.

I am sick of people that don't know the truth talking about how wonderful he is, and how lucky she is to have him!!!!

sigh... I do miss her.

Hi everyone,
Thanks everyone for being here;
I threw FW out this evening. He has gone - not to come back until I have sorted myself and the kids somewhere to live.
Long Live Us!
Am exhausted, so have to go to bed, but will post more tomorrow.

Yay arthritic...you did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! big big big hugs to you.

mother2 very very painful for you. let's hope she will get out one day. Must feel like being bereaved for you. Hopefully she will realise that you will be there for her when she ditches him....................

Hi fingers well done, wow, that's amazing! Long live you indeed! Have a lovely, peaceful sleep tonight.

mother2 he sounds awful. Hard to know what to say as you must feel very helpless in this situation. I sympathise.

Having moved on a bit myself, by telling people and asking for help, I am finding my panic attacks (which I get in phases and are awful) are returning... is it par for the course to feel a new level of uneasiness when you move on a phase (however small, but big for me); any advice? Thanks.

trying yes...completely normal. Still unpleasant though. However you can use your new-found knowledge and determination to help with them.

Unless you are OCD too (in which case don't go for rituals..take meds!)..I would suggest that when you feel an attack coming on you focus on a physical activity eg breathing in with tummy blown out then in with tummy sucked in (not as easy as it sounds) for count of 10 10 times. This may help to block the physical symptoms of panic attack that are hard wired to the emotional spin out that you feel and sometimes stops the attacks in their tracks or at least may alleviate them somewhat.

(sorry came over all teacher there!)

PS mother2 noticed you thread on the DandS . Sorry that realisation must have been particularly hard. hope you are OK.

Congratulations AF! Well done you.

Mother2Many - he sounds horrific. Please don't detach from her though, she needs your help more than ever.

Trying - I suffered from panic attacks for years and I still get the occasional hint of one now (usually when driving, urgh). I find if I concentrate on breathing in slowly over a count of five and then out over a count of five (repeat as necessary) it tends to sort me out.

I've spent the evening reading the Lundy Bancroft book and nodding and chuckling at it. Everything is in there, all his tricks and behaviours. It really should be compulsory reading for teenage girls. Some of it has been really hard to take in (he did more of a number on me than I realised) but I'm sticking with it.