Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

You won't hear any incomprehension from me about delaying divorce - I was with FW for 30 years
But you must be so tired :(
I began by making small moves towards permanent financial separation. I didn't force myself to believe in them, just closed down anything we had in common.
I signed the house over to him entirely, but my kids are grown, and yours are little.
I am so sorry that he in continuing to waste your time and money :( :(

Big big hugs to everybody today, I hope all your FWers are behaving themselves? (I can hope).

We've already had a big argument today and the thought of having to spend another 3 1/2 days with NSDH around is getting me down. We went to a nearby street party which was ok but he was doesn't his usual 'disapproving' looks and silent glares if I attempted to buy any cakes or go on any tombolas or spent any of my money. He ALWAYS does this, which is partly why we don't go on days out, his tightness with money stresses me out beyond belief.

After we'd seen everything I suggested we all go to a nearby cafe for some lunch as DD was getting hungry. His first response was "I don't have any money." I was very - firstly he was paid on Friday, secondly I didn't say HE had to pay, and thirdly - FFS COME ON! So I suggested the cheapest child-friendly cafe I know of. We went there, it was busy, but I managed to bag us a table in a corner and waved at him to come over. He did his usual thing of 'hanging around as far away as possible' (WHY OH WHY DOES HE DO THIS!) so I turned to him again to call him over quickly, and someone else grabbed the table.

His dithering thing REALLY makes me angry, he does it everywhere and it's annoyed me for years. It's not that I'm pushy, but if you don't take care of yourself you'll always be last in line (he'd already wound me up by pushing DD's pushchair around people in town - even if it meant taking her into the road - FFS its a pushchair people are capable of walking round her not the other way round!) Am I just being unreasonable?

Anyways, I admit I was really annoyed so said to him, "We'll eat at home then" and marched off. He followed at snail's pace (DD starting to get cranky coz she was hungry) so when he caught me up I took the pushchair and said I'd take her home. "I'll take her to a cafe" he said but I told him he'd only dither there too, took her home and gave her a sandwich. He didn't follow and he hasn't come home yet.

Sorry this is a long rant. I can't do this whole weekend with him, I can't. I'm holding it together for DD but I just want to curl up in bed and sleep all weekend. I honestly wish we had work on Monday! I feel like I behaved like a spoilt brat and he'll milk it now for the rest of the weekend. I'm so unhappy and really feeling lonely today.

*doing not doesn't in my second ranty paragraph.

funny, I was just going to post about miserly ex.

He has gone out to an event, in aid of a local charity. He was all pleased because instead of an entrance fee there is a suggested donation 'so that means I can get in free'. I looked at him askance, and said surely he'd make a donation? He said yes, but this way he could tailor his donation according to the price of the beer once he gets in.

I said nothing further.

Hi Pink,
How is he going to get in? Is he going to back to the entrance to make a donation once he has found out the price of the beer?

Yes, I think that was the idea. He knows one of the bands playing, maybe he'll talk his way in based on that - or maybe it was just bullshit and he'll put his hand in his pocket when someone gives him a hard look.

Also some of the people going are on benefits, so there may well be an understanding that not all can afford to pay. He certainly doesn't look like someone with much money, if you go by clothes.

Hi all. to fingers he may be wasting money but he's nowhere around...I can be happy and free(ish) not playing silly games and wasting mental/emotional energy...(see poor Pink/nini)

Hope that didn't sound as if I meant it as a criticism, Fool
FFS, FW has wasted 30 years of my life and, just in the last 2 years, thousands and thousands of my money.
At least you are young!

at young...feeling about 100 years old at the mo...should nick your name and call myself "arthritic everywhere"!! yes I made it to 12 1/2 years. perhaps we should adopt the buddhist principle of complete acceptance and focus on the positives of those years (DCs, ...ummm I'll get back to you with anything else).

Ah, but you are young Fool even if you don't feel it.
I know this may sound strange, but I wish I had cut and run when I was your age.
You can look your kids in the eye and say: 'I stood up for myself and for you'
I hope that comes over as the complement I mean it to be.

thanks fingers I think you always get your point across beautifully.

On a different topic..how can it be that I have been defeated by a spread-sheet???? I used to be good at computery stuff and now I can't get simple functions to work...grrrrrr

I've both jealous and in awe of anyone who has the strength to leave an abusive relationship, you are my idols. :)

He came home and took DD out to the park (with his friend who also has a DC), which was nice for me as I had pictures I've wanted to put up in the hall for ages. We are back to being guardedly polite to each other. I admit I snapped at him once this evening - he asked me to clear the bed at some point so he could remake it (I'd put a load of washing there) and for some reason felt the need to remind me about 10 minutes later. I told him to back off I'd do it in a minute and he said "We can't save us if you keep snapping at me".

I'm currently feeling that the problems we're having are my fault, and if I shut up it'd all be ok. I don't know how true that is though.

pink - really was at your miserly ex!

Hi I haven't been able to keep up with this thread but need to offload tonight if thats ok. My boys are going to see their father for his birthday tomorrow, its the usual contact and I suggested they make it a little celebration. We've made a cake, hand painted things, filled a photo frame with recent photos of them and done a very creative hand made card. My eldest is 4 so although he has done a lot and it has been his ideas, i've obviously had to buy and do most of it. I'm completely done in now and am so pissed off at having to waste my time and money on that arsehole!! RAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
They are both very spirited so shopping trips and trying to do anything without a huge mess is very draining of my already limited mental capacity.
I think I feel a bit better for ranting. I have a least proved that not only can I cope perfectly well on my own with them, I can also arrange lovely hand made gifts for the childrens sake. Now find something to criticise me for you useless little man :o

I'm sure he'll think of something. Did you include those candles that won't blow out, so he can't make a wish

And (although you don't mention it) I bet you and the kids really enjoyed yourselves together doing that.

So glad this is still going. I was on the first 3 threads. Since posting I have now left him, moved into rented house with 4 of my 6 dc's. Live is so much better now, sure I am tired looking after 4 dc's on my own and I do have to have contact with TF, but I am slowly starting to pick up the pieces after 15years of abuse.
There's hope, keep strong ladies, there's always a way out x

Parts of it were great fun! some weren't. Giving a fast crawling baby a tray of paints and paintbrush is not a good idea lol.
I must admit, the fact that he doesn't like pictures of his children up did inspire the photo idea :o

Thats sounds great bigbuttons :)

Yes Amito the enjoyment is often more in hindsight isn't it

Nice to hear that buttons have a

Hi buttons well done!
Thoughts on this, wise women.
Heard oldest child speaking to FW this afternoon. She was saying 'No' in no uncertain terms.
When I asked her what FW wanted, she, very reluctantly, said that he was asking her if he could come back!
Poor darling; she was the one who had to tell him they wanted to live with me.
FFS, she has high school diploma exams in three weeks! What the f does he he think he is fing playing at!
I asked her if I should speak to him and tell him not to say that to her again. She asked me not to.
It is only until the 10th July when we fly back to Britain.
What the f does FW fing want?
My 'O' level French leaves a lot to be desired - my apologies.
But, any advice gratefully accepted

Hi Nini and Amitola, (and everyone else)

Nini, your NSDH sounds exactly like mine, with the dithering, pushing the push chair out into the road, hanging back for a table, just everything. My god, I'd forgotten how bloody annoying he was in that regard. So glad I'm out of it now.

Amitola, I'm glad you're still here getting support, feel free to come here and have a rant if it helps. Unfortunately I didn't join MN until April this year, so I didn't have this lovely lot around when I was going through this shite. We all understand, and we're here to listen if nothing else

Hi, I have been directed here by arthriticfingers following a post I have just put in relationships. I have read the first (opening) post, looked up the definitions on the links to verbal and emotional abuse and have just cried my eyes out. It is spot on what I am experiencing.

My post to explain the background (which is only a small amount of it tbh) is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1487084-I-cant-be-in-this-marriage-anymore-how-do-I-get-out

I have not read through this whole thread yet (but will), and any advice welcome.

Hi deprived Welcome and :( you have to be here.
Hope you find some solace.

Sorry, IDeprive Freudian slip - not my first but I am sure that deprived better sums up your/our lives with abusive partners.

Welcome! You don't have to read the whole thread, but reading the more recent posts will sort of catch you up to where people are. We are all at different points in similar journeys. This thread (and its earlier incarnations) has been invaluable to me, not to say life-changing.

fingers I don't have much advice, just to say that DD1, while he should not be subjecting her to this, seems to be handling it fine, which I think must be down to you. You have offered to deflect him, she has said no, I think that was right on both your parts. It's the kind of support that young people need, she knows you are there, and that you listen to and respect her decision.