Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just realised that following my trip to NYC to see my sister get married back in 2007, i returned to Hell Egypt (absolutely HELLISH journey by any stretch of the imagination, another story too long to go into) When I got to Cairo my Ex's cousin was there to meet me, no warning of this, no texts, despite me texting him before we boarded etc.

Turns out that Ex had been in hospital for 3 days, he mentioned blood pressure, stroke, collapsing and all sorts.

I was frantic for the entire 3 hour journey back to our city. The car then went to the hospital to go and pick him up.

I got about 2 weeks of being told not to stress him as he was ill, not to say anything at all challenging or upsetting despite him being a total arse.

Turns out that he probably smoked himself into oblivion, couldn't BEAR being alone... When this came out, I stopped pandering. He didn't question it, seems that he knew he'd been rumbled. HAD he REALLY been ill.... I'm thinking he would have said something.

this was a trip that came about a month or so after a trip to the UK, so I'd been away a bit from him. I'm now thinking that it was all staged. ONE to get me to not think of travelling again/leaving and 2 to break all the signs of strength and freedom that I'd gained from being in the Free World.

sunrise, stability will come. It comes at a price though. You have to go through some tough thoughts, tough realisations, and some DOH! moments.

That post I just wrote.... 5 years it's taken me to realise that. FIVE. I was only with the ffer for 10.

... AND another.... they are like buses today...

My mum remarried in 2005. I was 6m PG at the time of the wedding. A PG she was never excited about, never wanting anything to do with. She was a nightmare over the wedding, utterly bridezilla.

The night before the wedding Mum had booked a 'Family Room' for me and my DSis to spend with her. It was in a Hotel that she and her nowH went on a first date to. (like I care...) it's grotty.

The room was 'meh', it was over the kitchens and the vents from the fans were right beneath the twin room. The main double bedded room was huge, next to the loo. The twin room was a large cupboard basically, the single beds were tiny they were 3' beds for kids. I was HUGE. I had SPD, back ache, chronic indigestion and everything was uncomfortable.

I asked if I could sleep in the double. Mum and Sis refused, and in the end they pushed the singles together in this sauna of a room, above the vents and THEY slept together in the main room, which I had to cross 4 times to get to the ensuite.

When I challenged it, mum burst into tears, Dsis said i was being cruel and that I had to sleep in the hot, smelly room with 2 beds not entirely pushed together.

Why could I not have shared the double... it was OK for my non-PG sis to? They made out as if they were doing me a favour by pushing the beds together. I barely slept. The following day was the big day and i was exhausted for it. I wished I had taken my car to the hotel, cos I would have left and driven home.

Do these people seriously think that the shit they pull will NEVER dawn on us? Do they think we will NEVER put all the pieces together?

I'm guessing NO. I'm also guessing that they care so little for us that they don't even care if we do work it all out, they'll have had their petty little victories...

sunrise:
"She described it as if I have been running on a treadmill and haven't had a chance to draw breath for years."

This is what a lot of people have said to me, maybe in more literal terms: that I'm not sitting down and drinking tea whereas I used to be constantly on the go. I don't think I ever questioned things: I just thought that I was committed to making this marriage work (=staying) so there was no point focusing on the bad things. Then I stepped away and realised how many of the bad things there were, weighing me down. Such a mess to untangle, and now I'm quiet and peaceful it all seems so confusing to look back and think: 'My marriage was a mess and so bad for me!' when I just didn't realise that at all at the time.

Trouble is, sometimes the thought of having the scales removed from one's eyes makes sense, but when XH thinks that actually, I've just gone mad and I'm "re-writing history" and "imagining things" then it's spaghetti head time again....

xxx

not = now

Thanks hissy, I think I have already detached from him tbh. He's already started the whole 'lets cuddle in bed and see where it goes' thing when the last thing I want from him right now is sex. It's been over 2 months now I think. .

He's off this week so offered to drive DD to nursery and me to work today (a rare treat as I usually walk). He kept farting in the car which absolutely stunk, so I told him off and he got grumpy - "Don't talk to me like that." When we got to my work I said goodbye but didn't kiss him on the cheek which must have pissed him off as he sped away very fast. About half an hour later I got a chatty text message saying how much the cat loves her new food. And round and around we go.

Think I'll be using NSDH from now on, fool.

Big hugs for everybody today. It's terrible being grown up.

fingers i had this very conversation with a friend today. My family/childhood not dysfunctional not dysfunctional but definitely taught to suppress emotion and 'not make a fuss'

My mum is a northern working class lady, eldest of 8 siblings-so there is that!

But me and friend decided also that it is a generational thing- girls and ladies played a very specific role, which did not include objecting to anything or asserting themselves above mother/wife duties or concerns. Do NOT rock the boat

Think this is why my mum clashes with my dd- she expresses her feelings, LOUD and CLEAR! Hell yes!

Hi Bejesus I don't know if my mother was reacting to society, or to her mother - I suspect the latter. She certainly had no problems expressing her negative opinion of me together with insulting language and violence.
That is why I have always hated raised voices, have never insulted anyone and abhor violence with every bone in my body. It may be why I married a fuckwit man who uses all three.
My only excuse for staying so long is that, because, until recently, the violence was only verbal and I did not know it was abuse. Also, FWX has never tried to treat the kids in any way that resembled my, or, indeed, his, upbringing.

thanks bighouse and hissy ;)
It is very painful all this realisation and just generally reflecting on things. I hope that it is worth it and I will be stronger for going over things. I am lucky in that I think my counsellor is very good. I always think, wow she's so clever, she can read my mind! :D
Arthritic ... Are you my sister ? Lol I can relate word for word pretty much with the description of your mother. Xxx

My mother had an awful relationship with her DM. In the end she cut her out of her life for 27 years. Think she was the scapegoat, the middle child that copped it.

She doesn't abuse/shout/insult, but I'm fairly sure she talks behind my back, or else my sister is a complete stirrer, which is also entirely impossible.

She is two-faced and ignores/scurries away if there is anything tricky to deal with, she doesn't get happy when I am happy, she refused to be excited for either of our PGs (at least I wasn't treated that much different to Dsis in that respect) but she did fly over to help out in the first week, cos it was NYC probably, NW London didn't appeal.

Oh am sure I sound a bit bitter, but i pity her, all of them, it must be really shit to begrudge others happiness.

Even now she asks if my therapy is going well... like I'd tell her about any of it? she doesn't want to know really, and actually most of it IS about her nowadays.

I think she is trying to buy my affection.... I'm allowing it, I'm using them for what I want/need and am fully aware that when the time comes for home truths, there will be comments... I'm ready. I think I'll have the WHOLE family at me. Mum, dad, stepdad and sister. Bring. It. On.

They have no idea how ready I am. They think they can hurt me? They think they are safe cos I won't bite back? Pah! They have no idea of what I am capable of really. None.

Ouch! FWP did the Nasty Thing tonight, the thing that makes me know he's a FW. We were talking about what I'd cooked for dinner yesterday. I couldn't remember. He kept saying 'you don't remember?' Duh. and he watched, while I floundered trying to remember, while I tried to make light of it cos kids present, but him knowing all along what we had had for dinner. When he finally told me he looked me right in the eyes, he never looks me in the eyes unless there is confrontation. I glared back at him, knowing exactly what he was doing until he finally looked away, knowing he'd been rumbled.

Trouble is the vast majority of the time he's OK, but it's the Nasty Things, those moment that crop up from time to time that make my heart pound and my soul sink.

Forgot to add that FWX had a field day with my mother. When we were a lot younger, I told him some of what my mother did. As the years went on he used the information against me more and more often.
You are just like your mother said you were like
You are shit, just like your mother
Fuck off back to your mother
All this when I was slowly trying to building up my own life, and had two young children to bring up.
So wonderful women
So, here, as a tribute is:

and my ex did that to me too arthritic!
He used to always say you treat me like sh*t just like your mum does to your step dad
You are just like your mum, you are crazy just like your mum etc etc

Hello all, I am long-time lurker on the relationships board. I realised I was in an abusive relationship in the middle of last year from reading the threads and following the links. I bought Lundy, read it, recognised my H in it. I tried to make things better because I was pregnant and we had not been married long (it'll come to no surprise to many of you to know that the physical intimidation only started after we were married, and didn't stop until I stopped breastfeeding). I soldiered on. And on. And on. After he crossed a line in January I read him the riot act, and things changed. He made promises. But what I should have done was call the police, because all promises were eventually broken. Then I realised that altho I wasn't being threatened regularly, I was being put down, criticised, undermined, demeaned. My parents despaired and wanted me to leave him, as did all my friends. I knew I should but somehow couldn't. I was so stuck and paralysed.
Today I did it. Nothing changed with him - the usual rubbish weekend (big argument because I'd tried to find my DS (from previous relationship) as his dad was on the phone - apparently I was ridiculous and out of order for behaving like that, and probably still had feelings for my ex). On Wednesday I spoke to a friend on the phone who brooks no disagreement, and she insisted I make a plan to leave. I kind of did. Then this morning he was vile to me - I said I'd get my mum up to help my clear out DS's room as I was struggling to get motivated, he said he wasn't having my mum in his house because she'd interfere (in what?), and we argued (well I tried to say he was being ridiculous, he just yelled at me). After he left i texted my friend to say I was going to leave today so she had to make me do it cos I'd change my mind in about half an hour. She texted me all morning till I phoned my mum to come get me, and she emailed my sister through Facebook to tell her to contact our parents. Anyway, this is getting v long (apols). So: I am now at my parents', with my two boys. Left letter for husband. Been crying all day, but am still away. Still not sure I've done the right thing, but everyone's reaction of relief says I probably did. But I still love him so much, it hurts so bad, I feel terrible and will need to b vv strong t not go back. He's texted asking me to come home as he loves me, then textd me to tell me he wouldn't be leaving the house so we could move back in (as I'd asked), and that he couldn't believe I was keeping his son from him. He's started on the emotional blackmail. He doesn't know I've got a shit-hot lawyer tho... So I plan to try and do a list of the things I'll enjoy doing now I'm out to try and remind myself why I'm sleeping in a single bed in my parents' house tonight. Sorry again for the length, I've been writing this post in my head for so long now!

scunner
well done love. You saw it, you called it what it was, you gave him many chances and he has blown it.
You sound like your RL people will be great and supportive, HOORAY!
Cry and grieve, it is only natural, and right but also be proud that you are strong enough to make the right decision for yourself and for your boys.
Well done. The road may be bumpy from here but "the only way is up" and you will build a great life.
Glad you have finally posted what you have been writing!

Hello scunner well done

My stbxh moved out on Saturday just gone. I was distraught and sobbed uncontrollably for 2 days. Now, 6 days later and I don't feel much more than pangs and twinges of sadness. No regret. Just sad our life together isn't what I wanted it to be or what it could have been. Sad that the kids home has been broken up. Dad for him. But I don't miss him. And I feel peaceful.

I think you will feel much better, very soon
Keep posting xxx

hi all, not been about in a while...(huge grin and wave)

scunner so happy you have managed to leave your relationship, it is a hard choice to make but ultimately the best for you and you kids (even if you don't feel that way now).
As for being unsure, I still at times get that, less often now though! With abusive men they are nice alot of the time so it is easy to not be sure they do have bad intent - but as time passes your strength and conviction will grow. And the emotional connection with your ex will lessen the more you detach. Surround yourself with support and Post often, best wishes xx

bejeezus Glad your feeling relief for being 'free'. It is like being in the middle of emotional chaos and its like calm after the storm :)
It is sad when you realise your ex isn't the man you thought he was or your family and future are now different to what you had thought and planned.
It is him that should be carrying the burden of that sadness and loss, and now the life your have in front of you for you and your children is uncertain but it is without a doubt going to be a happier one, one that you choose, and they will grow up to have happy relationships and be free of abuse xx

Well done scunner, these stories are very inspiring to me. Remember that you weren't always with him and you haven't always needed him. You might love him, have a strong emotional connection, but you don't like him - and he behaves like he doesn't like you either. That single bed at my Mum's is suddenly looking very appealing...

bejeezus, I'm glad you're feeling better about it after he left. That's good to know. Right now I don't feel very inspiring. He's being just lovely on text again, saying all the right things: I don't want to lose you, having time to think is good, you're right. I know major changes have to be made with external help. I feel like a total heel. I know I should be focusing on all the bad stuff that made me leave in the first place, but all I can think about is the garden bench he made for me a few weeks ago, all the tomatoes and lettuces and other veg he and my older boy planted together, all the lovely meals he made me and how much he loves our baby (plus things in the bedroom were v v good ). My throat hurts from trying not to cry all the time.

You're right that my RL support is amazing, I know from reading on here how lucky I am in that respect.

Well done scunner, please stay in touch with how you're getting on. You're so brave to have got so far, I admit I am a little bit envious of your strength :) Big hugs and stay strong.

Interesting discussions about relationships with mothers, mine is also very fraught (but less so than my relationship with my dad). I'll talk about it some other time.

I'm struggling to maintain anything with NSDH at home. When I got back from work I was knackered so told him (as he's been off all week) that he's going to do DD's bedtime routine for a change - bath, bottle and bed. I always do the routine unless he's off work so it's not asking much. Anyway, I was lying on the bed listening to him bathe her, and the way he was talking to her made me really sad. It was all "no don't do this", "no do this", "no don't wee in the bath", "no we need to wash your hair", "do this, "do that". There was no FUN in it for her, it was all orders and grumbles when she didn't do exactly as he said - she's 15 months old FFS!!!!

Anyway, she started to get a bit distressed and kept crying for me. I held off for as long as I could when all I wanted to do was go and hug her. When he got her out of the bath she was crying and tried to hug him and he said "no I'm not hugging you when you're wet". :( Then she started to run naked up the corridor crying for me. So I went to her, gave her a big hug and said "Mummy doesn't mind hugging you when you're wet". I put the towel round her and she clung to me while looking at him. He didn't even notice. :(

Small on the scale of things, but it made me so :( and a little bit .

He wanted a load of praise for weeding the garden and trimming a hedge (for me apparently when he knows I told him the other hedge needed trimming, not that one ). I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with him or not. My head is wrong.

We have a friend staying with us this weekend so NSDH asked me if I wanted FIL to look after DD for a few hours (so we can go out drinking ). I said no, anything we do can and should involve DD, and FIL is a horrible horrible man who has NO idea how to look after children - on the odd occasion he's had DD he always does something very stupid. Anyway, I said no and last night NSDH tells me his Dad's coming to have DD anyway. I'm furious but don't know if it's me being unreasonable again. :(

Massive headfuck. Hope everyone else is having a better day.

He wanted a load of praise for weeding the garden and trimming a hedge (for me apparently when he knows I told him the other hedge needed trimming, not that one)

That is it in a nutshell nini !! It's not you it's him!!
He is setting you up for rage and disappointment and a feeling of uncertainty as to whether you are imagining things, whether he does it on purpose or whether he is just a poor misunderstood saint who does his best and his unreasonable DW finds fault in all he does.

Look at this example. Whatever the reasons behind it this man is seriously messing with your head and your life will be better in every way if you can get away from this sort of mental torture. Passive aggressive behaviour in spades!!

Nice people, normal people, do not behave like this. They apologise and say "oh silly me I thought you meant that hedge I'll try and do it after lunch"

Why did it take me so long to see it in my own life?? Because I knew no better from my own family

I'm glad you've said that camelias, I don't think I'm being unreasonable but its hard not to when he acts like you are. After the 'incident' a few weeks back if I ever complain about anything all he says is "I can't do anything right" and stalks away. R.e. the hedge, he even said to me this morning (in his best simpering cowering man voice he learned from his Dad ) "I thought you'd be pleased I trimmed that hedge".

This is how it always goes. He (or we) explode with rage, it goes quiet for a bit, the passive aggressive behaviour starts, then builds up to rage again. I feel like a hamster stuck in a wheel. :(

keep writing it down. You will see what he's doing, and if you don't then the collective brain will.

we all recognise the "spaghetti mind" it's so hard to realise what is going on when you are emotionally involved.

PS you are stick in a wheel it's called the cycle of abuse and the graphic representation is on this page www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm amongst others.

sorry stuck !!!