Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh I'm sorry Pink it was mean to be a cheering up kind of message. Not a joke. Friends who haven't lived with EA have absolutely no idea what we are going through and measure things by their own yardstick. They don't realise out yardstick is twisty and has a cattle prod on the end! I have had to reduce contact with my married normal friends because they are too keen to glue me back into my place!
Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

A bit. Friend has lived with abusers herself, but has little insight, and is still attracting weirdos. She has a tendency to agree with the man in any conversation where I am as well, if I disagree with him. To the point that she will say the opposite of something she has said to me the previous week. The last time it happened we fell out, tbh it is really through ex that she has returned to our lives.

I thought it has been agreed that I would have Dcat, whatever happened. Ex said last night it hadn't been agreed. Even using her to undermine me.

I think you will have to "catnap" her as I'm sure he won't miss her!

Just having a bit of a c^*p week here on the hill.

NSDH has ripped up our draft financial agreement and has suddenly opted for mediation. He is still being supported by friends, still not paying anything to us and has little work so all the time in the world to attend meetings etc. I, on the other hand am working all the hours God sends as childminder so if i take time off for a meeting it usually has to be a whole day and therefore 1/4 of my earnings not to mention serious inconvenience for parents. So I have to get together all the financial stuff again (if only I was organized!) and go thru' the whole malarky again, maybe mediator will see that we won't be able to mediate...or maybe I will come across as a shrew and have to keep jumping through the hoops. Even if I do there is no probability that NSDH will sign or keep to settlement anyway. But I have to go along with it "cos the courts expect it" unless I have a form that says we are "unsuitable"

I am soooooo tired!
No help with my DCs as my family are selfish and disinterested a long way away. He is not allowed and his family are not forthcoming although we still see GPs every fortnight.

It stinks when we've been through such hell just to get to here. DCs are recovering well and this is tamazing! and just as well as longest standing friend has detached as she "can't cope with the emotional load" (not that I've used her as a shoulder or anything) yes the same friend who I have sat with through PND when our kids were younger, done anxiety management with through stress disorder, supported through chemotherapy. I know we don't do these things expecting "payback" but really??

sorry for rant...tell me to get a grip...but I am fully realising why people end up back with the abusing bastards when it feels like we are still being punished for being with them.

bejeezus your mother, plain and simply, is not on your side. I can only assume it has always been like this, and that she somehow sees it as a weakness that you have to separate? If that is the case it may mean that letting her go will have to be part of your separation process. Nice that your Dad is on your side though, and hopefully if you can detach from her, he will fill the gap (which I can only imagine will be huge - mother is mother, whether or not she is a good or a bad one).

Perhaps encourage contact for your dd with your Dad - it will make them feel more secure. A weekly visit or outing might help - if it's regular it might help.

PInk and Fool :( :( :( :(
It is like some terrible horror film not managing to get shot of the fuckers.
I don't know if this idea helps (after all, as I have said on here before, I told FWX that as long as took financial responsibility for the children he could take the house and everything in it and stick it where the sun don't shine - and that is what the legal agreement says well in legal language , but are you sure that this is the quickest way to get rid. I am not in the UK, but I know that amicable separation divorces (which ours is - in legal terms, obviously :), take much longer than divorcing for a reason. But once finances become involved, either road can take for ever.
I don't know what road you have gone down, but it seems to be long drawn out and miserable. Can you change the terms of your divorces to kicking the tossers into next week something with a more set time scale.
Have no idea and sorry for asking if it is not helpful.
but lots of

Pink ((((HUGS))) Well said Fool btw! I agree entirely.

In simple terms, we ended up here in abusive relationships for a reason. Usually our FAMILY.

Again, simply: If ANYONE is not 100% behind you running the fecker over with a 4x4 leaving a bloke YOU REALISE to be abusive, then THEY can literally Ff the FF off to the very furthest side of FF and then FF the FF off some more.

If ANYTHING/ANYONE is causing a barrier to you and your DC getting away from this man, they need to be removed/dispensed with. Only by being THIS singleminded, THIS focussed and yes, this BRAVE will we achieve the freedom that is ours.

I've not worked out why some people around us have such a vested interest in OUR unhappiness/lack of power, but they do and I will. One day.

Fool keep strong, keep pushing through and keep believing that you deserve to be free. You might not believe it 100%, or even all of the time, but you know it's true in principle... so go with it.

horse my mum and dad are still together. They have little dd for a day and a half every week (including over night) and they are really involved with dd1 also, but she is at school so see less of her. Both love my dad very much. And my mum. but my dad is the 'fun' patient one

i would have always said that i had an excellent relationship with my mum, until i have started divorce proceedings BUT i am starting to think I am a bit deluded;

I saw a homeopath for a couple of physical complaints-she quickly arrived at my awful relationship and then equally quickly focused in on my mother.

Also have just started seeing a counsellor and she also very quickly arrived at my mum.

I left home when I was 16 (am now wondering why!) my younger sister has always maintained that my mum is quite 'controlling'. But she is a kind, open hearted woman (but strangely has very few friends).

She used to make me feel 'guilty' alot when i was younger i remember. And im pretty sure she encouraged us to 'internalise our emotions'. Always we 'mustnt make a fuss' 'just play nicely'. she has minimised something really awful that happened to dd1 some months ago; and that really got me thinking....

could go on about her all day. looking forward to sorting her out in my head; have never had counselling befoe

I've not worked out why some people around us have such a vested interest in OUR unhappiness/lack of power, but they do and I will. One day

i think it is people who are not happy themselves and by you being in a worse situation they can view their lives more favourably and justify not doing anything about their own discontent?

My family were weird (AS) not abusive. And I was molested by a so-called family friend and didn't know what to do about it Ex was at least a considerate lover who I could trust in bed.

I have made offers, so has ex, he wouldn't use collaborative law, go to mediation, or supply his financial details of his own free will. Sol said legal route was only way to get him to start responding. We now have 2nd appt (financial dispute resolution) and he has agreed to meet with sol and me before this. Trouble is house worth slightly less than capital, capital in house was more than half contrib by me, captial in money was given by DF and I asked for it be given jointly for ISA and CGT allowances, and back then I was still deluded, even though ex was not earning much cos not working much or even trying much I thought he would come good. A year later, stressed by my job (p/t) I went sick and started divorce but backed off. I have bi-polar. But will judge decide in my favour, will ex settle, if there was more available I would make improved offer, but can't face moving, and can't face working in a job, both will make me ill, though I will do what I can and having house, which is large, would help with this. Even if judge says yes to one of my offers, will ex decide to continue to final hearing?

Can you see why I never started my own thread?

Tea time!!
I think we all deserve a and a slice of lemon drizzle cake and a virtual hug for getting this far. Wobbling is allowed, grieving is allowed, but the only way is up!!

Send some tea here, please. Am making banana cake with the kids, but forgot to buy teabags this morning :(
So, virtual banana cake in exchange for a cuppa?
Onwards and upwards!

have you any mint in the garden? fresh mint tea is lovely!

Yes, the mint is doing really well this year!

Builder's tea for me !

hello everyone, hope u r all ok.
Anyone ever had a counselling session where they were left with the realisation that their lives are even more *ucked up then they thought?
I feel like I've just been smacked in the face with it.

sorry been very selfish there. Just scrolled up and seen that people are not ok. Sending my love as always and hugs.

Sunrise that just proves fingers point that we are nice people on here. You don't need to be considerate to us, if you have just been smacked in the face your eyes are watering! Want to talk about it?

Sunrise - all the time love. Counselling is flipping tough, but we have to see the truth.

Much as I would like to take credit for all the wonderful wisdom on this thread :),
The credit for this belongs to Hissy

Here is what she said, for us all to read again:
'We ALL of us are people pleasers, all of us are compassionate, caring and interested in the well being and happiness of those around us. All of us would put ourselves out for those we care about.

Just as THEY are very similar in their abuse of us, so WE are similar in our traits. Our niceness, our glow, our happiness and success is what draws these terrible moths to our flame, but instead of basking in our glow, they seek to extinguish it so THEY may glow instead.'

Yey us, again!

Rather than creating another thread for me, thought I'd start posting in here. Big hugs to all :)

Since my last incident with husband (I can't use the DH acronym as he really isn't 'D'), things are still awkward. It feels like we're dancing around each other trying not to step on toes. Before he came back home we chatted and he said we 'need to make time for each other', which is true, and he is trying to be nice. But us being nice to each other means that I can't criticise anything, and if I do he goes all hurt so now I feel like I'm the emotional abuser. :(

He is trying but part of me thinks it isn't enough. I'm struggling to forgive him for what he did and tbh I don't know what will make it right. I'm stressed to my eyeballs at work and now fretting about an important exam I have in July. We have an old friend coming to stay this weekend (who we havn't seen since our wedding) and I don't know how I'll be able to play happy families.

And in the middle of it all is the gorgeous, fun and happy bundle that is our 15-month-old DD.

Feeling very unsure and teary at the moment.

Nini, if you are both actively trying to make things work then you both understand that there are some issues that will come up as a result. Your H is refusing to discuss anything tricky.

It's a ploy. Get your Mumsnet Blue Mist on and don't allow him to hold you to ransom. Say to him that you understand he's trying, but unless the incident is discussed and that he clearly understands what happened, there is NO chance and he may as well leave now.

Your instinct is telling you that it's not enough. It's not anywhere near enough, he is going through the motions until you STFU and get back to taking his shit.

You need to gently consider the idea that this won't be fixed. (cos it really won't) You need to slowly understand what you need to do, for the sake of your 15mo, for your sake, and for both of your futures. Step by step, you will get there. The sooner you understand the inevitable, the easier life will be. Focus on your DC, focus on your exams, your job etc, and detach from the H.

Nini, depending on how you feel the acronyms NSDH (not so DH) and FWH are frequently in use on this thread.

thanks everyone. And definitely wise words from hissy, arthritic. I think it was one of those where I thought I'd been going along ok, feeling not too bad. But my counsellor made me realise that there is so much more I hadn't even considered. She described it as if I have been running on a treadmill and haven't had a chance to draw breath for years. It is exactly right and I keep running from one problem to another. It just makes it hard to know what would make things better. I just want stability tor once in my life and more importantly I want it in my daughters life.