Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

How is everyone today?

Hi fingers,

Every day feels so intense sometimes, like an autopsy that never ends... It's hard being so happy and free when XH is a mess. I'm seeing him on Monday and dreading it. I am going to have to stop meeting him face to face. But I know that even suggesting that is going to set him off on one.

Had a friend die young this week - cancer - and nursed by her partner who sent me an email talking about how lucky they had been to have been 'loved unconditionally' by each other. Makes me remember why I've left - at least I will have a chance of that. I was always so scared of getting ill and having to deal with everything myself.

Rambling really... how are YOU fingers? :)

So sorry about your friend bighouse It is a pain that stays with you, but, as you say, the love remains.
I think you should appoint an intermediary for your consultations with your XH. From what I have seen of this forum, I would appoint AnyFucker :)
I am ok, I suppose. Thank you for asking. FWX is in another country until next week. It is sad how happy I am :(

Just checking in after a cheery night out with friends and

Fingers I totally understand your joy at FWH being out of the country. Because we live in a small town it seems as if the air is lighter when he is away.

Big it is just sad that these FW didn't make us happy. But having a new start and understanding how good a truly supportive relationship can be is the reason for going through all the crap.

My VNM has had a vile germ this week. When I googled his symptoms it came up with West Nile Virus!! I have been giving him pills and hot drinks and changing the bed and feeding him gruel all week while he apologised for being ill and worried about infecting me.
Whereas being in the same room as FWH is toxic and makes me ill and uneasy. I am too vulnerable to him. I have taken down my defences and removed my carapace. I am not ready for his glancing blows and his mean thoughts. So I have to avoid him and his reproachfulness as much as I can.

Bedtime now. sleep well friends!

Hi all,

Big, so sorry to hear about your friend, how sad.

Am spaghetti brained today and would like to ask for input if you don't mind. EA FWH walked out this morning, hasn;t spoken to anyone (me or kids) for three days. He says he is neglected and ignored and sidelined, all the usual stuff he accuses me of which I don't do - I'm always bigging him up to the kids and covering up for his fuckwittery. Anyway haven't been in same bedroom for nearly a year am slowly separting but fearful of finishing completely because of his reaction (VERY volatile man) and I think deep down am scared to break up final fragile eggshell of "normal" home.

Anyway I called him this morning when he had vanished without a word, leaving the kids in a state, and asked what was going on; he said dramatically he wants nothing, just wants to declare himself bankrupt (we have big joint debts) and start again in a room somewhere and never see any of us again. He was in a state and driving so I tried to talk to him calmly and let him know the kids need him even tho our relationship is down the tubes. I said I suffer too but haven't walked anywhere because kids are more important than us. Anyway, turns out he just went into work (normal some weekends), so not as dramatic as seemed and total head fuck. But kids screwed up about him not talking, me freaked out, where is my head and which way is up? Please help with some normality!

Hi trying
Sorry to hear about your FWH's despicable behaviour.:(
All I can suggest is that you read and re-read Lundy.
Also, as is often said bu the wise women on this thread, Do Not Engage with Fuckwits in any way whatsoever.
I am one to talk about taking that advice; I know
Dedicate your time to yourself and to your children. Stop apologizing or making excuses for him and take the kids swimming and get fish and chips.
Do not worry about him having an accident. This is Not your responsibility. And, anyway, FWs are far too fond of themselves to let any harm come to them.
I hope this does not sound like a lecture. If it does, I am lecturing myself just as much!
Order for today is a nice and then a nice day with kids.

Thank you, arthritic, you are right. It is despicable behaviour. I needed someone who understands fuckwittery to help me see that. Kids are relaxed now and we are going to a fete later. Fish and chips sounds like an excellent prescription ;-) I felt so unsafe and freaked by the situation, even though I long for him to leave - when it felt like it was happeneing it felt frightening. Also, it's so mean to withdraw affection from kids - it's all about him as usual.

A fete sounds just the thing! One of Lundy's prescriptions on these outings is to go out look around you and gently move your thoughts away from FWs every time thoughts of FWs creep back in.
Enjoy your day!

PS just ordered Lundy book from Amazon!

I just always worry (in a DM headline way) that any change in his behaviour will lead to some kind of awful happening so I intimidate myself with these thoughts, into appeasing him - does that make sense?

Thanks so much for helping BTW!

Morning all! Here in the Little House baking is the order of the day so I have finally made the cake related name change I intended.

Welcome trying and sorry to see you here.
Can you in fact let the FWH go? Release him into the wild as he wishes to live in a miserable bedsit and grumble to himself? How could that happen?

You need to have a robust look at your finances and work out how to run two households. Where is all the debt from? Is your house too expensive for you? Should you consider moving to somewhere smaller and cheaper with the DC (and without him) so that you can start again? Have you any relatives that could help you start afresh? Could you maybe go and stay with parents for a while? It sounds as though FWH is putting his head in the sand and failing to address the debt issue and blaming you for everything bad in his life (as they do).

Tell us more, and we will try to help you get a clearer picture amidst the spaghetti sauce

Meanwhile I second the fete and some silliness.

Hi lemon, I like the name! Thank you to you and arthritic. Our house is too expensive for us. The kids love it but they would of course grow to love somewhere else too. We were in process of selling our old house but got caught by credit crunch and hence large debt and two houses. Have just put old house on market again at lower price. Once it sells (if) then should be enough to cover debts. Debts are because of falling into credit crunch chasm rather than either of us being spenders (apart from buying a house we can't afford !).

Meanwhile I am juggling our finances and it's hideous. I do all the finances, am crap at them and it's extremely exhausting keeping life together. Get the blame for it all, yes. Been searching for work but nothing, had interviews but been out of work place 10 years and not a lot out there for anyone. FWH thinks I sit on arse and have loads of fun while he works - in fact I run house and kids, volunteer at school and apply for about three jobs a day!

So everything has to wait till other house sells. It's a scary situation to face alone even though I know that alone would be best. I am scared by the debts and by FWH's domineering bullying.

Actually Trying that sounds a lot more positive and manageable. If you could stop FWH from giving you spaghetti head then you could see more clearly what needs to be done. How dare the bugger ignore the mess, let you struggle with it then blame you for not solving it!!

Your NSDH is probably jealous of you having the important things in life in place. You have time with your DC and what sounds like a lovely relationship with them. You are strong enough to confront what needs sorting and moving forward while he just cowers. What you said up thread about him claiming he was "neglected ignored and sidelined" is just typical projection of all the things he is trying to do to you. Try "neglecting ignoring and sidelining" and you can see what he is doing.

When it is someone else's spaghetti mess it is much easier to see what is happening! Mine is just a pile of tagliatelli to me!!

I'm thinking of cycling in with the DC to watch the Torch Relay when it comes by us. I hope FWH doesn't feel he has to be included.

Oh I meant to say why not take him at his word and tell him you think his plan to find a room would be best for all of you? That in fact he is right, and him going bankrupt and moving out would help the whole family move forward?
I suspect he is just wanting to get a reaction out of you that makes him feel better. He won't do anything stupid - unfortunately the FWH never do!

Yes, how dare he blame me for financial crap - I have told him several times that I struggle to juggle the finances (as needs to be done) because I am crap at it and could he help, but no, because he's working, the finances are "my job" and he will out of blue (ie late at night whilst watching telly and having wine) demand a breakdown of current situation, fire questions at me and be incredulous and aggressive that I don't have it all in my head to deliver a full financial report with projections etc ha ha.

Yes I think FWH is fundamentally (or just mentally!) jealous because I am the together one. Likes to pretend I'm deeply disturbed with issues, etc (I used to suffer with terrible panic attacks, but coped, held down job and just needed support - ha).

Yes to taking him at his word, ha! Am feeling stronger now (thanks valium).

Anyway, sorry about massive outpouring. Thank you so much for support and v helpful comments.

Your cycling to see torch relay sounds lovely, what a great idea! Yes, let's hope your FWH lets you and DC go off and have fun day without him! How are your tagliatelli thoughts, are you alright?

Get angry !! It helps a lot

I'm fine here trying I left 20 months ago and am revving up a solicitor to start the divorce in september. But as we still have DC who we love I have to see him more than I would like.
I have been manipulated into a weekly meal all together and we still meet up for family events as the DC like it.
I am the baddy who is blamed for breaking up the family, and threatening to make FWH sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out. Never mind that I have to pay rent and support myself and the DC at Uni too.

When we discuss it FWH reduces me to jelly, so I have delegated it all to the solicitor (which annoys FWH too).

I wish he would leave the country like fingers H...

Hi Lemon. Love the name change :). I presume, then, that the cake was a success! Our banana cake (less adventurous, I know) went down very well, too.
Yeh us, again :)!
Trying, you sound on top of the finances. If your FWH is refusing point blank unwilling to discuss the, does CAB offer any financial consultancy? Don't live in UK, so don't know if that suggestion is helpful, but think it might be worth looking around for someone to bounce thought off.
Lemon FWH is back on Monday :(
Unfortunate that you have to engage socially with FW, but really great that solicitor is dealing with the rough stuff. Way to go!

Fingers, sorry FWH is coming back Monday! Banana cake sounds tasty! Good idea re CAB, will make appt next week, I hadn't thought of that, they may well give a valuable new perspective.

Lemon, I deeply sympathise re weekly meal and jelly-state, but also well done you for getting to where you are! It's a good idea to let the lawyer deal with FWH, that'll cut off any fuckwittery at its base hopefully and lawyers are used to dealing with manipulative shits difficult people. I applaud you for your strength in getting out.

I'm just off to fete but thanks again for support. xxxx

Hello, I wondered if I may ask for some advice? My problems are tiny in comparison, and I think I just feel a bit low in general.

I have been seeing my partner for around six months but I can feel myself turning into a stranger. If that makes sense?

I don't live with him, but I did stay there a couple of nights a week when I broke my leg. He did look after me very well when I was there, but now I'm recovering and managing to see friends again he has started saying things like, "oh I was good enough to take care of you then, no one else took as good care of you as I did" (they did, my family and friends were wonderful also) "now you're better you've just tossed me to the side".

He hasn't seen me now for nine days, so I did fill up a couple of days meeting friends. I feel like he may have been punishing me or testing me in some way by not seeing me. He has just called, saying he can't see me for another day or so again, despite us having plans for tomorrow. When I went quiet, he accused me of sulking, I don't sulk, I was hurt and told him so, and that I didn't know what to say. I then turned into someone I've never been, getting upset and saying I've missed him. He then said I was turning all the blame on to him. That I didn't get, I really wasn't, I just had a massive outpouring of feelings.

So, here I am, crying my eyes out having just sent him a text apologising for my behaviour. There are some other things which are very personal indeed, I'm sure they contribute to how I feel but it may be a bit tmi for this thread. I'm sorry for wailing on, I told you my troubles were little ones.

No, this looks very like a red flag, and shows your twat-radar to be in good working order. Sorry but I would bin him. Life is too short to have to keep apologising for your behaviour (says she, who tends to do that very thing herself...)

Thank you. Pussycat, thank you for replying. I've just been reading the links at the beginning of this thread.

The 20 signs you're... was particularly . I ticked a good 14 of those as a definite with another 2 as can see it coming. Needless to say, he hasn't replied to my text. His parting shot to the earlier conversation was that he couldn't see me tomorrow as he had to prepare a lovely surprise for me. Whenever he upsets me and I think it may be time to move on out comes the grand gesture.

I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate how he makes me feel about myself. I'm doubting myself, my confidence is pretty much zero. I've never been needy and clingy so why am I feeling like this now? If anything, I used to be the complete opposite.

Needless to say, he hasn't replied to my text. I don't really expect him to.

That's a good start EIBD (where does your name come from, btw?) Just ride out the cravings, that's all they are, withdrawal symptoms.

Her Anxiety, W.B. Yeats

Earth in beauty dressed
Awaits returning spring.
All true love must die,
Alter at the best
Into some lesser thing.
Prove that I lie.

Such body lovers have,
Such exacting breath.
That they touch or sigh.
Every touch they give,
Love is nearer death.
Prove that I lie.

It is a craving, isn't it? I have a physical ache. The sad thing is he humiliates me. I let him. Some comments have been truly soul destroying, then when he sees my face, he'll go "I'm joking, God if you can't take a joke..."

I now know he hasn't been joking. He's been chipping away at things for ages. And there's the difference between him and me. I wouldn't say anything hurtful in the first place.

EIBD: be strong, end it. It's THAT simple.

this will only get worse and it's bad enough already. End it, change your numbers if you need to.

The guy I just dumped did this stonewalling stuff in amidst of arranging surprises, getting me/my DS gifts etc.

When he falsely accused me of doing something horrific (insulting his manhood basically) and I had proved that he had misunderstood, I expected an apology. It never came, he found more and more reasons to be angry with me, called me manic even .

The faster they heat up, the faster they cool down. He turned nasty.

Eventually i asked him (twice) not to contact me any more, he still sent another text saying the same thing back. Fine, have the last word if it's THAT important to you...

A week later I got a simple text "HELP" My instincts told me that it was a load of bull. Consulted some dear fellow DA/EA victims on a FB group we have and they all said to call the police. I did. there was nothing wrong with him. I got a text back from him 50 mins later saying Police just been, sorry to bother you.

Since then, nothing.

I'd been seeing him 3 months. I didn't want to let go either, but I knew what he was doing to me was not right.

TRUST YOUR CONVICTIONS, LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS

Thank you Hissy. I was beginning to think that somehow I was to blame for this last "ignore Earth" episode. Your ex sounds like he'd ramped things up a few notches in comparison...

The thing which is puzzling me most is that he doesn't have friends as such, only work colleagues whom he never sees out of work. He has cut off all contact with his foster family so without me he has no social life at all.

The worst thing is I will have to explain to my family and friends that Mr Wonderful is Mr Not So Wonderful after all.

Perhaps once my leg heals and I'm back at work things will seem a little bit more bearable. I have too much time on my hands at the moment and it's making me dwell.

Thanks again, Hissy. I'll not pretend it'll be easy, I know it'll be really hard for me to break off contact. I know I will have to though. I can't feel like this for too much longer or I'll lose myself altogether. That would not be a good thing.