Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi All sorry I haven 't been around for so long. I hope all is as well as it can be with you all. we're still seperated but it's suprising how many people he can manipulate, I had to have the police out again the other day as he came round to see DC's and refused to leave. the male Pc's were lovely and saw right through him, shame the same couldn't have been said for the WPC! . Dd has been seriously ill in hospital and he's took that as leverage to do what he wants knowing I'll be lenient. She's better now thank goodness but still needs reg check-ups etc. I could go on but I don't want to bore too many of you more than I have done!

And of course we are not unstable! We are just damaged by these loons!
Once you are truly free of him you will regain all your fabulosity and feel better.

hey Pixie, sorry he's still twunting around glad dd is ok now.

* rant alert *
NSDH has just got a friend to email me that the financial agreement that has been being negotiated since FEBRUARY (sorry shouting) is no longer "appropriate" and how about we start again with a different mediator...GGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Just to say that a different friend has been paying his half of the mortgage interest on the understanding that this would enable NSDH (maybe Now I will call him FWH) to demonstrate his willingness to comply with this agreement.

aaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry, rant over

Sorry to hear that Fool. :(
How good is your solicitor
Dealing with these FWs seems to be case of either taking the muzzle off or cutting your losses - with nothing in-between.

so true fingers. Either prepare yourself for the fight of your life to get what is fair and reasonable....or cut your (potentially substansial) losses!

you would think by now that I would expect the worst of him by now. Lulled into a false sense of security...expecting reasonable...somebody give me a kick up the.......

thebighouse I know exactly what you mean........he says i'm losing the plot, mental, crazy!!!!!
But, I have to keep remembering the derranged things that he has done and said to me! HE says I've done nothing wrong! Um I beg to differ, verbally, emotionally, financially abusing me for 25 yrs, controlling and dictacting to me, isolating me from friends and family, thanks to relate sessions!!!mannipulating and poisoning children against their own mother, threatening to get me sectioned, telling me to get out on streets, discussing his sex life with girlfriend and in same convo running me down to OW when kids in next room.
I recently found old friend from teenage years and basically she said OMG what happened? I was pretty, funny, life and soul of the party, high on life............. she said its as if the very soul of me has been sucked out!!!! And I guess in a way we all have havent we?
I long for my LIFE BACK

Thanks all for sympathy. FWH says he can't deal with me via email because it is too unpredictable and he wants to know exactly when I'm going to speak to him (controlling, much?!).

Little: he has also cancelled all his insurance policies. I can't fight all that crap though. If that's how he wants to play it, fine.

Fingers: you are probably right about the fight / accept re the settlement. It's so WRONG but again, so exhausting to fight.

Ladybird: so reassuring to know that we are all going through JUST the same things. Still so difficult not to feel crazy.

X

Ladybird: yes that is also what I remind myself when he says that I am the problem: I have to remind myself that it was HIM that did x, y and z, etc..... NOT me!

Fuck all Fuckwits!
Reading the end of 'Should I Stay or Should I Go' There is a lot there about the sheer exhaustion of dealing with these shitheads.
If we were to put a minimum of this mental and physical energy into just sitting down and working out what it is possible to want for ourselves (not easy) and how it might be made to happen it would put them into perspective.
This may seem like lala land - but ONLY to us; on Hissy's planet normal, everyone spends time and energy thinking about themselves and their own dreams.

yes thebighouse i find it amazing that there are so many clones of my stbx out there! Yes I filed for divorce but that was only when I'd 'died' inside there was nothing else that I could take................ didn't for a sec expect the torrent of hell that he has unleashed now that the divorce is going through. he has got acting the victim down to a fine art. in my head i give him a round of applause every time he spouts off.
I believe we need PTSD counselling after being in such an evil environment for so long.
Yes fingers cant wait to be on Hissys Planet Normal

sorry to read that everyone is having trouble with effing fw's! I hope that you can all be free from them and their mind games soon. Just a quick one youll be pleased to know! I am in the refuge. All ok so far. It is a bit scary still but the other ladies seem nice. our room is fine, it'll take some getting used to I suppose. I think I'm too tired for emotions tonight. Will try get back on here soon. Sending lots of love as always. Xx

p.s. Thank you all for the good lucks :) Xxx

glad to hear you're safe sunrise :-)
One day hopefully we'll all be free xxx

Well done sunrise. Good for you. This is such an important step. You are doing brilliantly and there are GOOD and HAPPY days ahead. I'll be thinking of you tonight. x

BIGHOUSE....

FWH says he can't deal with me via email because it is too unpredictable and he wants to know exactly when I'm going to speak to him (controlling, much?!)

That is a crock of fucking shit. he wants to hurt you and he wants to see you be hurt by him.

TELL the MoFo that you will deal with him in the most convenient and recordable method of communication, that from now on you will have NO face to face contact if you can help it and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

He is taking ffing MINUTES of his meetings where he make you cry, and it appears to cheer him up? Does he wank over the notes later or something?

He is getting a feed off this, cut off that supply.

Shut the fucker down. Tell him solicitors are there for a reason and your's is happy to pass on any messages or undertake all reasonable legal requests wrt the divorce.

great news sunrise, so proud of you love!

Planet Normal is not my planet, I am just as much an alien here as everyone else, but I'm here to blend in, to learn from the Normals and to live as they do.

That is what we are all aiming for. NORMAL. That's achievable now isn't it? Not too high a benchmark to hit? Any more/better than this is a BONUS.

Come on everyone, we can do this, we HAVE to do this. Planet Manipulo is non-viable, the transports are waiting to bring you all to Planet Normal, all you have to do is get on board.

((hugs))

sunrise, you're safe! That is truly wonderful I am so very happy for you. xx

Great news Sunrise :)!
BigHouse :( (F warning) - FFS, tell the fer to f the f off.
Daily Lundy reading: Do something - anything - that you enjoy and don't think about FWHs at all. This morning I went for a coffee and to do some shopping with a friend. It was -lovely- :) Only when I was on my own again did my thought plummet in to the dark regions.
Now I am going running with younger C and dog.
I know I will fall and try to engage with FWH again, but boy is detachment fun!
Thank you wise women for keeping pointing the way

Glad you got out sunrise.

Have been in one of my periodic slumps, I'm afraid. Had words last night with ex (still living here), he said I was not seeing the bigger picture. When I asked him what the bigger picture was there was a long pause, then he said 'him and the kids'. The kids are young adults, as I've said before I have not told them about the cocklodging, I don't know what he means, but I suppose it means I should just give up, give him half, and the kids will just go - 'well they split up'. But the bigger picture, to me, is not taking his treatment of me lying down, it is me subsidising us to a horrendous extent while he did not try to support us financially and the situation made me ill. I'm thinking I'll wait till they're over 25 and then let it emerge as it will. I have thought of the kids, through their adolescence I have prioritised them over me, and they are now adults who work, that is a success. But now it is time to prioritise me. 2nd appt now listed for June 28th, by the time he's gone it's going to have been a year since we decided to split...

:( Pink This is what comes of engaging with the tossers :(

Of course you are right, fingers.

This goes back to the Matrimonial Valuation we are having. Sol's secretary emailed me in the afternoon after 1st appt with draft letter to valuers for approval, which I did. Then I asked ex if he had heard anything the next day, he said not. Then a week later I asked again, and he still hadn't, so I rang sol and secretary had overlooked it. I gave her his email address there and then (this was a week ago), yesterday ex told me that he had replied to it yesterday and I said I thought he was a dickhead only checking email every few days. He said that he had a policy of replying within 2 days, I had told him she didn't work Fridays, and it was Bank Holiday this week. Just being an arse for the sake of it. The sooner we get valuation, the sooner we can (potentially) reach settlement.

I too am having YET ANOTHER Wobbly Wednesday

Is it because its almost a week from the last therapy session? (Thursday) or that it's mid way between the dates (I don't think so)

I get so ffing angry about every ffer in the world that could have done a better job, but didn't. My mum, sister and my dad. The holy ffing trinity of selfishness, criticism and jealousy. Leading me to devalue myself to such a level that I put up with, accepted and allowed that abuse of me for over 10 years.

I even texted Ex yesterday to ask WHY he did what he did, why he abused me, kicked me, insulted, spied on, manipulated and trapped me, all the while making everyone outside think that everything was tickety boo. Worst thing was that he'd TELL me what he told everyone about how much he loved me. I used to say to him Stop talking shit and start actually living it. 3 ffing years begging him to be nice.

3 years trapped in a flat.

Who was the biggest twat? Him for putting me there, or me for staying there/going back.

I feel such a c*nt on days like these. It's all great and wonderful to say LOOK how far I've come. But I PUT myself there. I went back time and time again. How does one reconcile that?

Arse, tomorrow will be another tiring and tearful session. When will I ever get to the bottom of this, when can I solve it? when all the bit part players are DEAD?

Only the good die young, those buggers will hang around for a LONG time to come.

Apols. Self-indulgent, no-where else to turn.

Wobble away Hissy it is okay to be weak sometimes. You are such an inspiration to us all but nobody can be strong all the time.

Has it occurred to you that this anger is healthy? It is part of the process of grieving your abusive past and putting it behind you. First numbness, then anger, then sorrow then acceptance. Although of course you can mix it up, do it in the wrong order or skip bits as seems right for you.

Be angry! They all deserve to roast in hell! You deserved better and they let you down. Then afterwards you might find a tiny bit of compassion for their damaged souls and the burden they carry too.

Good luck tomorrow and I hope you get something good from the session

Oh hissy. As ever, I am not wise enough to give you the right words to comfort you

It's really painful. I think ee have shared experiences of our mother backing our abusers. I feel ptetty much emotionally detached from my mum now, although I dee her often and on the surface everything seems fine. I don't trust her. I didn't detach on purpose. I think it had become an inbuilt protection mechanism.
Have you got good RL friends? That is what saves me daily.

And forgive yourself. You have many many years ahead of you. A decade (?) is a mear blip! And you have your son, so he time wasn't wasted