Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

funny enough, i don'tdo compassion for damaged souls who hurt me. I tend to favour seething hatred, and then eternal freezing out of my life.

bejeezus. I lost everything, my job, my home, my friends and eventually when the truth of the family came out, them too. It's only a matter of time before I let them go totally from my life. I actually can't wait. I just want them GONE.

The only RL friends I have are not close by, they are not even in this country. One I have not even seen for about 3 years. we only talk by text/email/FB. The other I hadn't seen for 4 years, but saw her for a weekend in March.

I don't have anyone to talk to that can handle this shit. Only the therapist. I don't even talk about stuff in any depth in group. I can't cry in public. I hate myself for succumbing.

MN is 'it' for me for a day to day support thing now, and I feel like a failure weeping all over the thread. I just don't know what else to do. I feel I have to be strong all the time, not to lose face, not to crumple, not to show that I'm in pain. Everything is FABULOUS....

I'm trying to make friends, but the whole inviting people to come over is so out of my comfort zone when you have lived for so long with Him that Must Never Be Inconvenienced... it's hard to let people into our homes.

OK. I will set myself social goals. I will drive myself onwards.

I just don't want to keep having to do this strong thing anymore, I don't want to be this broken person trying to fix the shit other people broke. WTF did I do to them? Why couldn't they have just left me the F alone?

I don't know why they did it

You don't have to be strong. You don't Jane to be anything. Be you. Be angry, be sad

I actually enjoy feeling angry and indignant these days. After so long of suppressing my feelings and being calm and putting a brave face on it, and appeasing and not rocking the boat or inconveniencing people.

Give people both barrels if that is what they deserve. Then turn your back and walk away

Hissy of course you can weep all over this thread

Oh Hissy :(
I, too, had to let my 'family' go. Some I still speak to, some I don't. But the letting go had nothing to do with what I did; it was internal. I haven't read the thread called 'Nothing can pull you down if you are not holding on', but the truth of the statement is something I really identify with.
You don't need to make big decisions about what to 'do'. Once you have 'Stepped Away From the Family', as you would from anything or anyone else that you know is dangerous and harmful to you, what you need to 'do' becomes clearer.
Gosh, I sound pompous! Sorry! No way am I 'there', but every step in that direction brings fresh air.
I also lost many many friends. Not, actually, only because of FWH; the grim reaper, health problems; problems at work, distance all played their part. Those friendships won't come back, but that doesn't mean I can't go out for a coffee with someone I don't know as well as the friends I lost, and have an enjoyable time.
We all expect too much of ourselves. A great big pat on the back for who we are and what we have done - all round.
ps sorry about the f*ing novel :)

hey Hissy...

Then you may have stayed..but you are ALSO the strong and inviolable person who got you out.
Then You may have gone back to an abusive half life, but NOW you have built a new better life for you and DS
Before you might have succumbed and accepted what others deemed to throw in your direction, NOW you know you are worth so much more and are moving on to healthier and happier relationships.

You will sail your little ship through this storm and the sun will come back out.

((((hugs)))))

Cheers everyone!

thanks fool.

Looking out of the window... no sign of sun atm.... the pond looks like it may overflow...

I AM realising more self worth, but the old thinking seems to pull me back down, kind of Who the hell do you think you are thing being whispered somewhere.

I just need to keep on keeping on, faking it till I make it and remember to pate self on back, not boot self up arse...

Hi sorry to jump in. Was just wondering on situation re houses.

I am desperate to leave but stuck financially. Am on waiting list for housing but have been for a couple of years now (after he broke my finger). Basically we nearly own our house outright, if I leave with dcs (don't want to live here want to live near my parents anyway), am I saying goodbye to any money I have in the house?

Have a long term plan to leave, just not very easy.

If you are married, then no, you don't say goodbye to what was in the house. You can put a charge on the property equal to your percentage share in it.

The CAB will be your best point of call for this. Also WA can advise on how best to leave. it's possible, with the proof coming from the violence that broke your finger and of course if there were other incidents, there may be a way through occupation order that YOU force HIM to leave. You can again offer him a charge on the property to safeguard him from selling out and leaving him without his share.

He is hurting you enough to break bones love, we all know that this is the tip of the iceberg and that he will be tearing you to shreds emotionally too. This with the DCs around breathing in the toxic fumes of the abuse.

You need to put some urgency into getting out, come what may. There are support services there for you, you need to plan, discuss, see what you can rely on and get the plan in movement.

Nothing is easy. Getting out is hard. Harder still is to stay.

What are you afraid of? I guarantee that your fears are most likely unjustified. Get yourself up to speed with what benefits/help you can access and I'll bet that you will see it's more achievable than you think.

HappyHissy vent away on here Hun. You've been such a help to me just wanted to send you hug and strength. I'm the same I've been pathetic feeling emotional and why why why like you! Thing is I don't think its personal you just happen to be the evil arse wipes physical and emotional punch bag!
Don't beat yourself up you're the good guy, the victim, looking for the love and the good in everyone. yes there are some good people, lots on this thread. But there are evil nasty people out there who thrive off treating us this this way!
We are way better than them, and we are normal and human (unlike them) so we will have good days and bad days, one step at a time we will get there.
go gentle with yourself today x

sending my love happyhissy . It's true what ladybird says, try not to be too harsh on yourself because this is what the abuser wants you to do and how they want you to feel. You know that though but you will be strong again and you will have more good days then bad again, it will take time tho. Hope you are feeling a bit better. Xx

How are you doing now sunrise? Have you settled in okay? Hope it's going well for you. x

Thanks all! I had therapy today and I realise I need to disengage from worrying about what others think. Especially those who have chosed to make things harder rather than making things better.

There was a discussion ingroup about us making ourselves a priority in our own lives. To understand that we can't expect others to put us on their list of priorities if we don't.

this stuff goes in waves, but I want to underline the improvement I see in myself and how much is better compared with how it was.

I have a right to be upset. Angry andlet down. I'll never understand why they do/did what they do/did. It's not my issue, it wasn't my choice, it was theirs.

happyhissy, what you say is brilliant. It sounds like therapy is very positive for you. I think learning to put ourselves first has got to be one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. I too had counselling today actually, and realised that I am still making excuses for my ex and for my family :( but at least I can recognise it now whereas before it was just a normal way of thinking. Keep strong.
Hi today, settling in ok thank you. I am feeling a bit nu,b and I don't think it's hit me yet that I am here. I think dd seems to be much happier and getting used to it already which is so good to see. hope u r well. X

Now I am going mad...am using up precious energy being P'd off at text exchange

NSDH:"what does DC want for his birthday? I am in shop NOW"
Me "long list of things DC has mentioned all price brackets"
NSDH "does he have a skateboard, would you take him somewhere to use it if he did?"
Me "don't think he has, yes if he wanted to"
small pause
NSDH" you haven't told me if he wants one"

Me "it's not on his list"
NSDH "does he want one?"

Me "I have asked him, he doesn't"
NSDH "so what does he want?"
me "the things on the list...."
at this point I turned the phone off.........

so innocuous and yet soooo not normal communication...................

Fool's conversation cont.
NSDH, "I got DC a great skateboard just like you suggested."
Fool, "I didn't say skateboard."
NSDH, "Yes, you did; that's why I bought him one."
Fool, "No, I didn't; I gave you a list" (even more
NSDH, "I knew this would happen. You always try and wind me up."
NOT to be continued

how annoying fool. Sounds like a conversation with a child, not a grown man.

Indeed. fingers - don't we all know a Mr headfuck so well?! I wonder how accurate you are. At least when we have text and email contact we can pick apart what they are doing (or, in my case, get someone else to do it for me!)

sunrise glad to hear your DD is settling, hope you begin to too.

Hello again, hope everyone is ok as they can be.

Glad to hear your DD is settling sunrise. And glad you're getting support.

I'm off to counselling today. Been a few times and always feel better after, but is it normal to kind of not want to go beforehand? When I'm in a crisis I can't wait to get there, but when I'm just trudging along it feels a big effort.

A crisis he caused I mean.

ibuy I have the same issue re counselling. This morning I created an imaginary work emergency part way through because it was feeling like such an effort!

Hissy, don't you find that an overflowing pond is kind of nice, because it's so very different from being trapped in the desert? This country is lush, soft, squishy; not all dried-up and harsh. A half-flooded garden may be a dreary marsh to some but its intrinsic not-Egyptness might be a comfort to you. Just a thought.

Anyone seen this?

ibuy, I find i kind of don't want to go when I need to go, it's fine if I'm feeling OK...

Annie, yes, there is that, I wouldn't swap my land for another. No-sir-ee. I love my country, rain, mud and all.

FWIW, I was not actually in the desert. I was in Alex, on the corniche daahhhlink, right opposite Cleopatra's Harbour (yeah, THAT Cleo) and right next to the FABULOUS Alexandria's Library.

So desert, no, not really. Gilded CAGE most definitely.

how did the counselling go jaffacakes? Its amazing how much better it can make you feel. and have someone else detangle the brain mess.

Yes yes yes fingers perfect 10/10 for your prediction...except he didn't actually buy it...he said could I and wrap it up as from him........

I am weeping .....................with mirth

if it wasn't Ds's BD I would do it too.....but he doesn't want one so have suggested NSDH does own shopping and does NOT get a skateboard!!!!!!!!!!!!

TBC

pillar box...great idea....not sure I can join in at present!