Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi everyone...sorry if this has confused you as I created this before I went away for a couple of days and thread 7 still had/has a few posts to go.

Thank you x

Will follow this one all the way through and hopefully end it happier and clearer!

You know, I've just read the Bill of Rights again as if I were my twatface ex, and he would totally think it justifies his behaviour ("You have the right to be angry...")

Likewise! I also realised I never thought I had a right to any of those things..I do now though.

Hi all, I'm just in the (painful) process of extracting myself from a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship and could really use any support that anyone can offer. Maintaining the moral high ground is not an easy thing to do when he's bad mouthing me to anyone who'll listen (and even those that don't want to) even the children but I know it's something that I need to keep doing because as he see's his 'control' going, mine just get's sronger.......I'm lucky that I've got a few very close and supportive friends (one in particular) that have been there as a sounding block when I've been getting hourly and daily abusive texts & emails.

x

Ah, but, HotDAMN, did you ridicule his anger and tell him he was quite obviously unhinged to be angry about non-existent fabricated nonsense?
Or did you go ballistic when he got angry and you yourself become violent and menacing? ...
Or, maybe, you just changed the subject and went out for the day and asked him if he had got over himself when you - eventually - came back?

And upwards with thread 8
I read this now more than post as I'm out and moving forward, but I just wanted to send some to everyone on here at the moment.
In previous thread there was a link to another post about coming out the other side of abuse which was so uplifting. But lurking over the course of a couple of threads, you can really see the help and the advice making a huge difference.
Fool I hope you don't mind me saying that you have gone from strength to strength - from someone needing advice to a person whose wisdom to others is amazing. And also seeing people who have started threads about an issue and then realised that EA is behind the most immediate problem. So wave of pompoms, roll of drums and forward towards a place where abuse is a thing of a the past

LOL arthritic.

No, I told him how scared and upset I was. Which was, of course, me being "over-sensitive".

I just know that abusers reading the Bill of Rights would feel it is meant for them. They would see it as a justification of their actions, since they so deeply feel like victims.

("victims" of our occasional non-compliance to things that suit their purposes -- a frustration they just can't get over and perceive as deeply unfair, in their emotionally-3-years-old minds).

I a,so get the I'm being over sensitive thing.

FFs.

Xxx

Ah, but if you aren't over-sensitive, and do take it calmly or as a joke, they just keep pushing until they get the explosive reaction. That's how you know it's an abuser rather than a thoughtless oaf.

Yep.
Also he tells me he is joking when he says things.

Oh god, the "im only joking" line - i'm so sick of hearing it - but now hes started when I retort with "stop being jumpy".

When he asks me to do something (usually for him) and I grumble a little but eventually do it, say, pass him something when it would be easier for him to get it himself - the moment I put it in his hand he says "It wasn't hard was it" god I'm getting so angry lately.

Hi,

Sorry to barge in on your thread, but can I join in? I am freshly divorced from a monster hideous man who is still calling the shots and trying to control us (me and DS who's 5). He is refusing to give us the settlement agreed to by the court, and I just wish he'd die. I hate him for what he did to me and how he made me feel. I feel so helpless. I know I'm in a good place away from him but he uses our son against me which is something I've sworn never to do. My son is just a little boy, not a weapon.

I don't really need any advice but it's just nice knowing I'm not the only one. Thanks.

Welcome Today Really sorry that you have to be here and :( at your situation. But ... you are in the right place, and there are many wise women here. So, again, welcome .

This is a big ask but if any wise person here can look at my thread currently in Chat and reply there, I would be most grateful - I really don't want a permanent record of what's currently happening for me, so have opted for there rather than "Relationships" (am a namechanger). Thank you.

Thank you fingers , and I will check out your thread WTF.

Hi Today. Sorry you're going through such a tough time. It is nice to know you're not the only one. You'll find lots of words of wisdom on here. Not from me though...I am just taking them at the moment as I am very fragile...hopefully I will graduate to giving them!

Today welcome, you are not barging in, this thread is for you, me and all the others of us untangling ourselves from a relationship with a twunt!

Saw sol today and all is going well, all figures are now in on Excel (well there is always more I could add), and my whole life from late 70's onwards is there in 3 pages of numbers. At First court Appt all that will happen is they will tell us to get the house valued by a specialist in Matrimonial valuation, then it's another few weeks till the next hearing. By which time I will have refined the figures so they summarise the cocklodging I have put up with (well, it only turned out to be cocklodging restrospectively, at the time I really thought he was trying to get into a postion to support his family financially).

Another letter spouting lies and trying to argue legalities with my solicitor arrived at the sols last week, it and the previous letter have pissed her off!

Well done Pink!
Onwards and upwards and remember to be nice to yourself.
Finished with court on 5th and haven't regretted the decision for a minute.

Good morning.
Hope everyone is ok today. X
Am going out tonight. Providing h gets home in time to have the kids.
Well actually a friend has offered to come and sit with the kids till he gets back if he decides to be late, but he doesn't know that. I want to see of he will make an effort. Am going out with my sister. He won't give a shit really as he doesn't respect her either.

Great move sweep - a night out whatever happens, and a further opportunity for him to demonstrate his twunthood

Hi - am nervous about this but have decided to share my story as I need all the help I can get so here goes .............

In March 2008 my husband and I were having marital problems. I had concerns about his anger issues towards me and our 2 children. I finally persuaded him to go to marriage guidance counselling but he refused to go back.

I moved out for a week and moved back on the promise that things would change but they didn't. In September 2008 I left. I made the wrong decision and started seeing someone completely on the rebound. I told my husband about the other party and he agreed to take me back. Unfortuately in my husband's eyes this completely overshadowed his aggressive behaviour that I had originally had a problem with. He made me feel so ashamed for my behaviour and even told our then 12 year old son that I had had unprotected s*x with another man.

My husband continued to blame me for what he called my 'affair' for the following 2 years. Despite me constantly telling him how sorry and ashamed I was he would constantly belittle me and make me feel totally worthless and that no-one else would have me, no-one could love me like he did and he 'saw past' everything that others saw. That I'd potentially tried to ruin our children's lives by leaving him.

I got to the stage that I couldn't take it any more and my husband and I split in December 2010. This was totally down to the continuing emotional, mental & physical abuse aimed at myself and our 2 adopted children (at this point I had not officially reported any of the instances of physical abuse just kept a record). In April of 2010 I met a new partner and in the Summer of 2010 my children & I went on holiday with him and his 3 children. Throughout all of this time my husband went from wanting me back to telling everyone (friends, family, children) how bad I was involving the children in a new relationship (they didn't meet him till 7 months after we were separated & had a great holiday). He constantly told the children (Boy 15, Girl 7) that it was to soon for me to introduce someone into their lives and I was a bad mother because of it.

Anyway to cut a very long story short he made me feel so bad about leaving that in Sept 2011 I was so confused ended my relationship. In December 2011 I attempted a reconcilliation with my husband and attempted to 'put our family back together' This went terribly wrong and we split again in Jan of this year following 2 more instances of physical abuse towards me and my son (he punched my son & assaulted me by pushing me over).

I currently have interim custody of both our children and he has visiting rights pending a final court case in May

Since the split I contacted my partner from last year and told him that I'd made a mistake. Luckily for me he was single and we have resurected our relationship (albeit a long distance one). I get to spend quality time with my children on their own and with my partner and his children. My children really like him (by their own admission) and his children.

The emotional abuse is still constant from my ex to me and both children. The money from the sale of the matrimonal home is being held by our solicitors. I have moved into rented accommodation to give immediate stability for the children but my ex is demanding a 50% share of the equity now. I have offered a 60/40 split now or that we wait till the courts decide what is happening with the children and then let them decide.

His blackmail threats are endless threatening to keep the dog, stop my son from having his bike etc unless I release the money. He refused to let me have the family car (even though I had both children) and I had to buy another one. It's all about posessions & money for him unfortunatley.

He's told:

My 7 year old daughter that Mummy is trying to get Daddy put in prison
my daughter that when she speaks to the CAFCASS respresentative fromt he court she should tell them she wants half & half
My son that I've ruined their chances of getting a house because I won't let him have any money and he only wants a tiny bit (which is not true).
My son is too scared to stand up to him and maintaining the moral high ground appears to get me nothing but walked all over .......

I never say a bad word about him in front of the children, neither do my friends or family although my son & daughter repeatedly tell me that Daddy & Nanny don't like me.

My son is about to do his GCSE's and is already showing signs of bulimia and stress (I've taken him to the doctors on a couple of occassions).

I don't know how to make this stop for the children or me. My work is suffering drastically. My husband has alienated me from local friends by lying about me and I've chosen not to disucss things. My best friend and partner have however been a lifeline to me and amazing.

I've had no financial support to date from my ex because he refuses so have followed that up through the CSA and should hopefully get some soon.

Any advice on any part of it would be greatly appreciated

x