Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Wow...8! Already!

NHAN - my dear, the early days ARE tough, and your Ex is trying to turn you back round and get you back into his clutches. Remember that he is going to do what he did to you AND worse if you give in. Hold onto the reason why you left him, the final straw. memorise it and remind yourself if you ever waver.

You need to read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft, it will really help you forgive yourself and will liberate you from the feelings you are feeling at the moment. I know because I felt as you did, and I read it and felt immediately better.

Keep posting, keep talking, call Woman's Aid for a RL talk, get yourself some DV help in RL, try and get to a Freedom Programme, and keep busy. Oh yes and keep that man away from you. You need to relax and process what happened to you.

Everyone else? Hello to you all, to the lurkers, please don't be frightened to talk, if you think you have a place here, then I'm sure that you do. You need to feel that you are not alone, and here is a place where we ALL 'get' you.

No lurking... come and say hi, please? We don't bite, only hug!

cinderella, your Ex is abusing the children to get to you.

You need to speak to everyone concerned in this case and get access supervised immediately. No overnights, no holidays, contact centre. Please speak to CAB and SS about this, this is not a normal situation here, this is extreme abuse. He is directly abusing the children.

Find out what will happen legally if you stop access. Will he have to take you to court, can you then present evidence/testimony that he is abusing them?

Thanks cinderella....I intend to make this a weekly thing. Even if only a loser would ever have me (his latest).

I second Houdini. I never thought I would post and still sometimes question my sanity, but this thread really helps.

Cinderella HH is right. He is abusing the children to get at you and you need to speak to the relevant people that shes mentioned that can help you.
What an absolute bastard.
Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy and he is not deserving of the title.

Cinderella: he is abusing the children. So did mine. After 3 months of letting them go through hell I stopped contact. The resident parent has the duty to protect the children. Document what he is saying to them, document when he has had them and what they were like when they came back. Get a solicitor to write to him saying that contact is suspended following his abusive behaviour and document precisely what behaviour.

he has no right to access until/unless he challenges in the court, you may try to sort out informal supervision BUT if you want formal supervision either SS or the court can recommend this. CAB are variably useful...depends on their people, WA are very useful (see their online site "the hideout" and see if your DCs would benefit)...school may have a parent liaison officer, they have access to support systems. Write a full account with precise details of the abuse you have witnessed, or that your DCs have told you about, use their words if you can, don't ask them about it again...this is coaching.

By the way kidnapping the dog is a very worrying sign. Did you know that disruption and cruelty to animals is associated with increased risk to children and spouses/partners. I would report this to the police and your solicitor.

So sorry Cinderella.
Find your inner ironwoman and gird up....like parsely you need to be a lioness and protect your children.

PS suggest that you find out about CAFCASS and tell your children what really happens when they talk to them

and also start to drip feed the information that "secrets" are a bad thing, no adult should ask a child to keep a secret (except very temporary "good" secrets) emphasise that you would never expect them to keep secrets for you...by implication they will learn that other adults should not be asking them to keep secrets either.

NHAN: "Nobody has ever loved me, except my children I guess and the fact i'll never find that now is really hard to cope with"

YOU need to learn to love yourself. The rest of the world can naff off tbh. They don't matter. The main thing is to take the steps you have taken to get out, and to protect your DC. Get the RL support and I promise you that you will recover from this. Yes it's a lot of work, but YOU are worth that.

I'm guessing you had bad relationships with your parents too? AFAICS we all do, that's why we end up here. Break the chain, love your DC and let them love you. Love yourself, the rest will follow.

Hi I've not posted on this thread before but I just wanted some opinions on my DH....

We are going through a bad time at the moment. He's been an arse and I wanted him to leave (trial separation) but relented and now we are living separately in the same house and getting counselling. It's not been easy. We've both been angry and frustrated at times.

He has had a major strop on with me this weekend. He has just texted me (from downstairs!) to say that he's selling our car (it is his car but I use everyday to get to work). He says he needs the money because I'm not spending time with him anymore so he has go out and socialise....

Ah yes, the "look what you made me do!" maneuver. My opinion is that he is that this is a jackass move. And that he is doing it to get a rise out of you.

Ignore the text. And seek information on whether you can stop the sale of the car (whose name is it in?)

Catching up with this thread:
a very common theme is "no one else will want you". My ex did it as well as using the children and mummy is trying to put me in prison crap.
He used to take something of sentimental value of mine whenever he walked out and disappeared. I tend to lurk on here after he found an earlier name and claimed all sorts about me to my bosses and colleagues at work in a mass email. Lovely not.
Oh and I have questioned things I did and my angry reactions.
As that bill of rights says we all have a right to be angry and to be ourselves and to not be perfect.
A question to ask is not am I being abusive or controlling but rather what was my intent when I did x or y. What is my intention when I examine the relationship? Was it to stop the abuse? Was it to solve the problem? Was it to protect myself. Was it to protect the DCs?
The abuser is as scared as any of us, but he uses attack as the best form of defence and belittles others to hide his own feeling of lack of self-worth.

Thank for the replies and hug :) Yes I did have a very bad childhood, i'm on the childhood abuse thread too. I have jumped from abusive people all my life, but they were all abusive in different ways so its taken a while to realise.
I've just discovered a whole new type of absuive man though - the sensitive one! I have a book but can't remember what its called. Its good though and really helping me. I must admit i'm a crap partner myself so even if i'd met a good one they probably wouldn't have stuck around. Learning to love myself though and for the first time in my life i love living alone, well with my sons and dogs but no man - yay!

Deedee that doesn't sound very good. My ex and I tried to live together for a long time after splitting up and it didn't work. Is he trying to get a reaction from you? would he do it? either way its a control game and its not healthy. It doesn't sound like he is making the effort someone in counselling should be

FWIW I had an idyllic childhood and my family is amazing. But my ex didn't and I got together with him when I was still a child really.

Deedee - he sounds really immature - is this behaviour from him normal? Have there been other incidents like that?

Hugs to you too NHAN.

Can I join your thread?

It is my "stepdad" who I believe may be emotionally abusive. I have felt o.k. this week as I have been avoiding contact but that also means I haven't seen my mum either.

I know some of you live with someone who is EA. I am sorry you are in this situation.

I started THIS thread a few days ago.

Please forgive me as I haven't yet read through this thread. I clicked the EA link on the first post and it rings so many bells.

What is it you would like to sort out, Cats? Your own relationship with him, or your mother's?

If the former, you may find the Stately Homes thread useful.

If the latter: only your mother can help herself . But you can show her that you love her and will support her if she decides to leave him.

Welcome Cats

It's realising you are not alone that helps more than anything. But the advice is good too!

How often do you see your mum? Is it his behaviour towards her or yourself that bothers you most?

I suppose it would have to be my relationship with him although I want to be supportive of my mum too.
I am getting counselling and have had a few weeks off in between sessions. during this time off and spending a bit of time with him I think I have realized HE is what is making me unhappy/anxious. I still have a couple of weeks before I see the counsellor again.

I'm not sure what to do as far as my mum is concerned. I don't know if she realizes that he is possibly being EA. I wonder if she is so beaten down by him EA. I really don't know as she appears to be strong in front of us (her children).

This week I haven't seen her since Easter Sunday cause I am avoiding him. He works nights so that makes it hard to get to see mum alone. I sometimes feel he has her wrapped around his little finger.

I used to see her at least once a week but he is usually there too.

When you're in that situation I don't think anyone but you can make you realise if your partner is EA. I had people constantly telling me what my ex was like, but I just couldn't see it.

Obviously you want to see and support your mum...so for now I would focus on coping mechanisms for you when being around this man.

You can try talking to her about it, but I wouldn't expect you'd get the response you'd want (probably denial...but I am only talking from my experience).

Thanks for your replies, I have to go out now but might pop back later.

Hotdamn You are right - I know he is trying to get a reaction from me. The car is in his name...but he hardly uses it whereas I need a car to get to work and to drop DS off at nursery. It's just that I thought it was the "family car". He makes the payments and I pay the insurance and buy the fuel.

NHAN he has done stuff like this before (in fact he's threatened to sell the car before).

What I don't understand is he does seem to be making an effort at home - he's spending more time with DS and accepting that we need some space from each other and counselling to work out whether we have a future together. However, his behaviour is not consistent...last weekend he was pretty good but this weekend he's been like a stroppy teenager. In fact this morning he left without even saying goodbye to DS

I wondered if his behaviour towards the car and DS are connected. They are the two things he still has a hold on...if he is difficult with them then I will get upset IYSWIM

I'm having real problems knowing how to deal with this...

I will take a look at the stately homes thread as I might "fit in" better there.
Thanks for pointing me in the right direction HotDAMNlifeisgood

You OK cinderella?

Haven't posted here for a while - lost momentum for a bit.

Wondering whether NSDP might be having an affair. His XP rocked up at my work (his business, complicated) last week and mentioned that she's living between here and london - having also recently moved back to v near NSDP's other home there. He locks his phone and computer and is secretive about both. I think I have just found out his phone PIN but he keeps it close to him and may have noticed me watching him and changed it.

I really, really hope I'm right about this because it will give me an "excuse" to leave and justify it to other people. Ridiculous, because I always identified as polyamorous and would actually be fine about a partner seeing someone else if they are a) a partner in any reasonable sense of the word b) honest c) don't bully me into putting my child down for a school 150 miles from my friends and family and not pursuing the application in London on the basis that that way they'll have a better family life. Oh, no, sorry, isolate us and fuck somebody else.

If I am imagining this, then it must be an outlet for the immense anger I feel towards NSDP at the moment. It's eating me up - I need to get out of here. I have to get hold of the phone now, which will be interesting.

God, cinderella, that is vile behaviour.

Deedee66 i think a lot of men like you are describing see their children as possessions, just like the car. harsh i know but i don't think that we as mothers would behave in the same way.

can i ask you ladies for some advice?
i'm living with my parents after leaving EA and Physically abusive ex. i have a one year old LO. my parents have been supportive on the whole after they found out about how ex really is. (at first they were the opposite!) i have never had a great relationship with my parents and it improved once i left home. since living here it has been fine but now i can see they are getting fed up with th disruption to their lives and i am getting fed up too in a way. although i am still badly affected by what has happened i feel much stronger then i was. i am considering finding somewhere for me and LO to live and I am thinking I might move to a place where I grew up. however, this place is 170 miles (4 hours ish) away from my where my parents are now. it is also over 100 miles from my ex. would i be foolish to move there? my best friends are down there and although they wouldnt always be about to help out i have missed them so much (have had no friends since moving to where ex is) . they have said they would love me to move back but i don't know if i would be being selfish by doing this and not thinking of my LO and the relationship with their Dad. He is just so horrible that i want to be rid of him but i guess its not about me its about my child... honest opinions please!!! xxxxx