Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

whoo Hissy like the new look you!!

I feel disloyal posting on here, also a bit of a (is there a word sort of like hypochondriac for this, you know when Bridget Jones is in the prison with all the Thai girls sharing their stories...) drama queen. I'm not quite ready to put the words out there as that will make it all too real.
I will say though that I went through a very tough time a few years back. I nursed my husband through three years of cancer. My DCs were 9 and 7 when he was diagnosed. While he was ill my two best friends died, one had a brain tumour, one lung cancer. Shortly after my husband died my Dad died (he brought me up as a single father, my mum was ill for most of my childhood and died when I was 11 from breast cancer).

I was strong, I coped.
So then I met someone else. Very short "honeymoon" period. I am financially independant, I am valued and respected at work, I own my house, my children are fantastic people, 17 and 20 now. I have no excuse to be living how I am today. I am weak.
Thank you to those who took the time to write some kind words for me xx

Yes, when I first began to speak of my financial abuse to my DM when I first considered divorce back in 2009 I felt a mixture of disloyalty and shame. But these feelings were misguided. The shame was one of the things that had led to me being isolated from my friends, as I didn't have a happy and successful life story to tell, and out of misplaced loyalty (I kept thinking he would get his act together) I let relatives think he was supporting his family when he wasn't.

This was all part of the brain scrambling that living in an abusive relationship produces But really I was accepting as mine the shame that was his.

Hi, these pages are a lifeline I've discovered at the right moment. Can I join you? I am with an EA and occasionally (rarely) violent FWH (I assume that means Fuck Wit Husband, BTW? Hope so!) 20 years with FW, feel so depressed about that, but two kids, 7 and 9, best thing ever. Trying to claw my way out.

cherry what's drama queen about you? Seems to me you've been through a lot and just got caught up with someone bad when you were vulnerable..no shame in that.Bad man, bad timing, you are not weak, just worn down. Time to get back to you now though!

trying hi, welcome and people here to cheer you on as you emerge.

Fool Cheers chuck! Think I'll grow into my name more as time goes on..

cherry, we ALL felt like you did, disloyal, that we are exaggerating, that it's not that bad...

Well you are not disloyal, actually you are far TOO loyal to someone who is harming you. Don't feel guilty for being unhappy with someone like this, you have a right to feel aggrieved. It IS that bad, and you are NOT exaggerating. Far from it, you are probably normalising most of the day to day stuff you go through. Again, we ALL did that. It's how we survive.

Survival is good. But it's not living is it?

Can you read the links at the top of this thread? Can you get yourself a copy of WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft? It'll help you see who is wrong in all this (It's NOT you btw )

Keep thinking, keep posting, keep opening up. We'll be here as long as you need us, and beyond. You are beginning to wake up from the nightmare. Soon it will end and you will be happy, free and at peace again.

You are worn down. With our handholding and explaining of the dynamics of what has happened to you, you will grow stronger. Let us know how we can help you grow?

((hugs)))

trying, I remember being where you are too, a bit over a year ago...

I can't believe the difference in my life since then.

Whatever support you need, or if you want to run stuff past us, that's fine! That is kind of how it works best actually, as you slowly stir, as cherry is, you need to double check stuff.

You slowly realise that things are not just not great, that they are possibly abusive, and then confirming that, to reach where you are, what to do? How? and the hardest one WHEN?

This recovery is a staircase. You've climbed a couple of treads, and you are beginning to see that there is a light at the top of the staircase. That's where you are heading.

I'll tell you more, when you get higher up the staircase...

Seeing the woman from safer places tomorrow. I should be out of here very soon. Can't wait.

sweep...the good days are coming

A little something to get us through the rest of the week
:)

Oh I love that!

Not new by the way, namechanging for safety.

Hello ladies, love and support to all xx

sweep - best of luck to you :) I hope tomorrow goes well!

cherry - welcome, working out you are in an abusive relationship is a start, you have had great advice from the ladies here - you are in a good safe place :)
I used to be strong and now I'm pathetic.
This is an illusion, you are the woman you always have been, and always will - Your experiences do not define you. Everyone here has been exactly there, feeling that (and sometimes we still do feel like that - but it gets less and less). You can feel strong again xx

trying - hi :) glad your here, a supportive and safe place. So sorry you are living with abuse at the moment. For me, when I thought of the time with my ex - it made me sad too because it felt like a waste. It helped to think of the future...(if your 40, and you are able to leave, you have the next 40years you). All the very best xx

Fool, Hissy - Hi, hope you are keeping well :)

I currently FEEL desperate for Ex to find someone else. It would take the pressure off me. I find that quite sad - it's only been a month and I do still love him, but I would welcome him being distracted from focusing hatred and projections on me. Did anyone else feel like this in the early stages of leaving?

Hi everyone - I can't believe I'm back again. After a brief flirtation with the Asperger's lot, considering hopefully maybe this isn't abuse but just his 'way', a brief period of detached peace led to him starting to take the piss again.

And this morning we had a row and so I revisited here, taking a look at the Verbal Abuse bit referred to in the OP. It was the perfect description of our row, and every communication that happens between us. Vagueness, side-tracking, fault-finding, and utter confusion. Unfortunately I've slipped into a pattern of mistrusting his motives (not surprisingly) which adds another layer of confusion.

He wants me to tell him what I want him to do but then he came up with a suggestion that he would leave to go to a reunion in his home town next month and send for his things. He would see the kids every couple of months. Nice! As with every conversation with him, he slips and slides and there were several false conclusions to this, one of them was 'for a couple of weeks', one of them was 'sell the house', etc.

If we sell the house we have to change everything including schools. We won't be able to afford a place where we live now. The next 5 years are crucial for our dcs, it's crunch time and I told him that they deserve peace and harmony at home. If we can't provide that we will have to go it alone.

And now he's done a flurry of tidying up and gone to do something useful. Somebody help me preserve my sanity before I go blindly go through the next 5 years and potentially lose everything.

Let him go to his home town. Stay put. Insist on staying there until the DC finish education.

Ignore everything else.

Simple, but it works. :)

As you'll know from my posts on that thread horse (if it's the one I'm thinking of) I believe my ex has AS (and so do I) - but he is deffo abusive, in a fairly narcisstic way.

Think what you want, stop taking him into account, at least for the time being. For me, it took a while for the penny to drop that I didn't need his agreement to divorce him!

Hi Horse both glad and sad that you are back. Having aspergers/AD/alcoholism/depression/drugs/any other disorder or addiction does not excuse his/anyone's behaviour...sorry he's mucking around with the conversation...my NSDH (now absent) did and does this all the time...took someone else to point it out to me though! Makes you doubt what you've said what he's heard and where you have got to...oh yes, that's why they do it and then usually throw in a smattering of victim and a large dose of "i'm a nice guy really"...grrr

I think you need to make choices for now and the future that keep you and your DCs at the front of the pecking order.

Thanks bobs..um actually finding stuff a bit hard going at the mo. Not enough of me to go round, not enough hours in the day and some fairly big stuff coming up from my psychy that I have neither the funds nor the time to deal with professionally.

I am sure "this too will pass" and the DCs are in really good places at present (so good they think their DF must be good now too......don't think so. Just me finding that I am bumping along the bottom as we come up to 6 months .

Of course it would help if anything practical was sorted, or he bothered to pay anything for the DCs.......but I am grateful for the peace!

love and strength to all

thinking of you tomorrow sweep, make it final soon

Thank you, Fool, Hissy and Bobits for the welcome and support :)

Pillar, I also kinda long for my FWH to fall in love with someone else so he'd bugger off without hassle! Also agree with "I would welcome him being distracted from focusing hatred and projections on me", exactly same thing here.

Pink, I know what you mean, I am in the place at the mo where I am trying to justify within my head how bad he's been, almost to make him agree our next step - separation - like he'd ever agree or be reasonable!

After the violent incident, which was sometime ago, I have slowly distanced myself, which has resulted in me now having my own room, not sleeping with him for a year and now I have plateaued (SP?!) and don't know how to move forward. I've known it's right thing after many years of misery and bullying but after all this time you get paralysed and I am a bit scared of him in his mad mood, don't know how to move forward. Also have debts with him and scared of making kids' lives terrible by breaking up home (tho better for them not growing up in dysfunctional atmosphere is other side of coin) Would love someone to take my hand and lead me out of this... sorry for such a long post btw....

trying are you a list writer? I found I took emotion out of the equation by using paper and pen. Then I dealt with each barrier in order (more-or-less) by finding info on what would actually happen.

In fact, many of the problems were much bigger in my head than they were in practice and I am sooo glad I took advice and sorted them.

I am sure most of the probs with separating have been met by one or other of us if you want to get a bit more specific.

Thank you, Fool :)

Well, because he senses me slipping away he is being somewhat more tolerable, ie not shouting 20 times a day, maybe once and twice at weekends ;). This has the effect of taking away my impetus and anger, not very strong at best of times. I want him to go, I want to stay in house as that provides kids with stablility, but can't imagine living with him whilst trying to get rid of him, too scared and weak willed to manage that scenario. I would love to find ideas of how to get the separation going...

Re lists - great idea! I am complete saddo with lists, even write things I've already done so I can cross them off. That's a good idea, will write list of fears about next step. Thanks!

I too thought getting him out of the house would be hard.

But actually although it 2 hours of me listening to his completely incomprehensible take on the matter, because i just said that he needed to go repeatedly and pretty much nothing else (and I also had a friend in the next door room) he eventually ran out of stream and did leave . So a bit easier than expected. i think being sure in your own mind and having someone there to stop the worst of the behaviour is helpful.

I'm worried my ex will get too much access to the children. Can anyone advise who I can actually trust on this?
I've got a prohibitive steps order and for the next month (until next court date) he is only seeing them at a childrens centre once a fortnight. I don't trust him with them long term so am very worried he will get full weekend access or something.
He is living with his parents who are awful to the children too so I really don't want them going there, but he is not interested in moving out. He won't tell me his plans for this house when we leave or what his long term plans are.
Social services and cafcass are involved, but we're right at the start so I don't know what is going on yet. I don't trust them at all.
He is playing a very good game, whereas i find it very hard to be manipulative and it goes against everything I believe in. I just want what is best for my children and if that is to see their dad then great, but once the novelty of proving to everyone that he is a doting dad has worn off I have a very good idea of how he will actually treat them. He has 1 daughter and 3 sons (2 are mine) and only cares about his daughter. He doesn't show any interest in our youngest and has no idea how to communicate with our eldest.
I still feel bad at the prospect of stopping them seeing him though. I know its all his mind games that have made me believe he is a decent person when he isn't but arghhh its so hard!! If it was just me I would never have anything to do with him again but with the children I have no idea what to do.
sorry for rambling on and being selfish. I haven't had chance to get to know peoples stories yet