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Original poster

Time wasters need not apply, Soul Soothers come hither Dating Chat Part 11

999 replies

hatesponge · 10/04/2012 21:22

Ta-da! Think this is the first one I've started.

I am still feeling somewhat feisty. Told my team off at work for being too noisy Blush and was generally stroppy. Might have to go and start a row in AIBU or something!

So, dating, as you were etc Grin

Not forgetting of course that I have a second date at the weekend!

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 07:36

Grin Brilliant Sponge, I'm so pleased! Now, be nice when you text him back. Don't punish him for not texting sooner Grin I will refrain from saying I told you so.

Snape dinner on Saturday sounds lovely. Just lovely. Smile I know it's not a romantic relationship but it is romantic.

Milk Sorry to hear you didn't get to the club. I was looking forward to the update on that so I'm cross too! Grin. As for your FWB, he sounds a bit deluded. Fancy putting up with that kind of set up of 7 years, waiting for his girlfriend to get it out of her system. His self esteem must either be very low or exceptionally high to tolerate that.

KirstyWirsty · 19/04/2012 07:38

Sounds like he is doing a bit of game playing waiting til.late Thursday to contact.. are you going to be busy over the weekend or??

NicholasTeakozy · 19/04/2012 08:04

Morning Sponge. Ahem:-

NicholasTeakozy Mon 16-Apr-12 20:30:28

Sponge, your bloke will probably contact you tomorrow or Wednesday if you saw him on Saturday/Sunday. There is an unwritten rule which says three days is the optimum time to resume contact. Any sooner is seen as desperation. :o

He's using Bloke Rules.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 09:08

sponge - so pleased you heard from him - what did he say?? exciting, exciting that it seems you are going to get a second date :) :) ;)
i do get what you mean about feeling confused as you thought it had gone well. When you have a good date, and the bloke is keen, then its baffling when hes not in touch, i think that is the part that causes the frustration/ rejection thing, because it makes you feel like you cant trust your judgement.

Had the same thing with the buddist if you remember, sucks arse.

Snapespeare · 19/04/2012 09:12

sponge yay! yay! yay! now take your time answering. two can play by bloke rules.

time well. yes. I will run around daft tidying the house and cooking glorious gourmet standard three course celebration meal (ex-flatmate got new job) in order to proove that I am ideal wife material girlfriend material friend and it will be lovely and then I'll feel all sad again. meh.

milk it occurs to me (and it is painful, I would go absolutely insane in your situation...) that you have his word for who wants the 'open relationship', you don't know his gf, other than through friends of a friend. Do you absolutely trust that he is telling you the truth? Do they have children? is he having a lovely thick slice of milk-cake and chowing down on devoted gf cake at the same time? I certainly don't think you're pathetic. I could easily see myself in the same situation - you don't really know it's coming until it whups you upside your head. All I am concerned about is that he seems to be in a great situation (they're not engaged or married, they don't live together and she wants an open relationship?) and you're pining (even though you don't want to..) does he know you see other men? what does he think about that?

Original poster
hatesponge · 19/04/2012 09:33

Nicholas/Time I bow to your collective wisdom Grin

I haven't replied YET, but will this morning. trying to hit the right note - want to appear flirty and available, but not over-keen and desperate! I can't see him this weekend as I have the boys, and from what he said before he is working (or if he can get the time off going back to Scotland to see his DC) so it will be next weekend...which is fine :)

Watch you're right about it being baffling, it really is sometimes. am not counting my chickens yet re a second date, but fingers crossed. are you still seeing the builder at the weekend?

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 09:34

Awh Snape, don't feel sad. I can understand why you do feel sad but if we look at what you do have, rather than what you don't, what you do have is wonderful Smile

Milk I agree with everything Snape says. Everything!

watch I think what actually causes the frustration/rejection thing is our over thinking and expectations. If we came away from a first date with a smile on our face, a song in our heart and just enjoyed it for what it was, a first date, then if/when they did call asking for a second, the time between the date and the call would have been full of warm fuzzy feelings and no stress. It isn't the blokes who do this to us, it's our way of thinking that puts us there. The only other solution is to get out your diary as he drops you off and make a firm time/date for a callback, if he then doesn't call it is his fault and you have every right to be pissed off Grin

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 09:38

It's our over thinking that makes it 'baffling' too, imo Smile

The Scot told you he would call you and he has. He has kept his word. Nothing to be baffled about. Smile

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 09:45

sponge - sounds like you know how you are dealing with it - fab :) thats really good.
Though the buddist and the one from last week, mr 41 have both been in contatct over a few days but havent asked me out again, time is right about expectations, and how we view it, though i do think some kind of time scale for not being in contact has to be the limit, you know.

Ive not said anything to the builder yet, we were texting most of the evening, lots of banter. Ill see.

milk - i second what snape says really. If you are being hurt, its not fair on you. its really not.

MyLittleMiracle · 19/04/2012 10:01

Stupid question (please don't laugh) but do they count as dates if they are only coming to yours? Just friends always comes to mine now I have my own place.

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 10:07

I would say no, in reply to your question MLM. In fact last night I typed out a reply to your post but I deleted it. It was telling you to be careful, to be aware that your Just Friends is getting his needs met without having to actually put in any effort.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 10:24

mlm - no, they do not count as dates if hes just coming to yours, especially so if he has told you already that he doesnt want a relationship and only wants to be friends.

You have ignored that and decided you want more, and hes coming to yours and getting his needs met... and you are thinking he wants more because you kissed and shagged... but actually he most likely doesnt. he told you already he doesnt want that.

of course there are a tiny, tiny, minescule percent of relationships that start like this, but im so worried about you getting hurt again.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 10:25

Sponge - I'm glad he text you Smile

Help I need advice - the guy I was seeing for over a year got in contact recently we text a lil then left it, then he text last night asking me not to be mad forever, then we text a little today! Then spoke on the phone and he is coming to talk tonight!

Neither of us would commit before and he said he wants to have a proper talk and sort it out! Ahhhh help!

I probably shouldn't get involved with him as we have been together then not together for over a year and nither of us admit to feelings etc but he says this time is different coz he misses me all the time! Confused

I feel like I want to be with him, but also feel like he will never treat me right and live me how I want to be loved! But how will I know I I never give it a proper try? Hmm

But I also feel like why should I give it a try now that he is ready? I was ready weeks ago and he messed me around Confused

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 10:33

There is no harm in talking notsure. It's been a long time since you were together, you have both moved on since and experienced new things, you might well be coming together as two different people from the one's you were previously, you never know, it obviously wasn't the right time to be together before, but no with might be. I say it's worth talking just to see how things lie. Or you may always be wondering, which may hinder future relationships. So, talk and get it out of your system! Smile

Snapespeare · 19/04/2012 10:37

I have to say I would give it one final chance notsure I would spend some time thinking about dealbreakers and would make sure that he knows what they are. If he can agree to them (and you to any of his red flags) then I'd go for it.

the fact that you were ready weeks ago and he wasn't is just one of those unfortunate ships in the night moments. You could both be in the smae place now and to not want to progress because he messed you around a few weeks ago smacks of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So give it a go, but he will need to know your feelings (and you will need to know his!) and each others expectations. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. You've given it your best.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 10:39

Time for - sorry I don't think I explained it very well!

We last stopped seeing each other about 3 weeks ago! And had a 3 month break before that!

We or together in dec 2010 but were not serious and have been seeing each other since then on and off up until now! We seem like we have strong feelings for each other but never actually make it into a proper relationship!

The reason why I am worried about just talking is because I know when I see him I feel like it could work but am worried it won't Sad

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 10:39

agree with snape and time.

Snapespeare · 19/04/2012 10:40

well, thats perfectly normal notsure It will work or it won't - you don't know until you try. :)

Do you want it to be a 'proper' relationship?

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 10:42

Oh I see. An on and off job! Well, I would say meet with him and lay your cards on the table. Be firm, take control, tell him exactly what you want. Don't worry about it not working out, that's pointless, you will only know if it's not going to work out if you try it. It sounds as though you need to set some boundaries, decide what kind of relationship you want and are going to have and go from there. If he lets you down or you don't feel it's right then walk away knowing you tried it but it wasn't meant to be.

noluck · 19/04/2012 10:51

Hello all, long time no see. Can I join in?
Have been SO busy. Quick update. German Dr (for those who remember) best sex in my life (and I'm getting on a bit) turns out to be married with ...wait for it......4 (yes 4) kids !!!!!!
So...am back on the dating scene. Men as just so baffling.
Had a great couple of days chatting with one, he sent me his photo (nice, but no greek god) and asked me for mine, which I sent (nice one, I'm no beauty queen, but no one has fainted as of yet) and since then : no news. He's been put on the "lout list".
Otherwise, I often have lunch in a little place with work colleagues and there is always one particular man, who now always says hello with plenty of eye contact and he's getting closer and closer to our table.....will wait and see (going there tomorrow).
Nice man, who is this week in the UK but then I'm in the UK this week-end so we keep missing each other, so to speak....wants us to get to know each other a bit more (what ever that may mean).
But being single is great. I can do what I want and see who I want without having to walk on egg shells all the time (and I'm fairly tame).
Took me ages to read all of your updates. Keep up the good work. I'm practically taking notes here...
Hugs to all. xx

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 10:52

Thank you for the advice, just what I needed to hear, as felt I may be foolish to even want to speak to him!

The problem with the feelings part is that when I'm with him I feel like I love him and that he loves me! When I'm not with him I feel like he is not treating me how I want to be treated and I distance myself!

During this chat tonight do you think I should tell him all this?

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 10:55

yes, without a doubt tell him that - else how else is he going to know and be able to change it. if you dont tell him he will just continue doing the same.

Obviously there is something there if its been a bit off and on, and im presuming its more to it than just sex. But you shoudl think about what you want out of the relationship and lay that on the table, be honest with him about how you feel.

You will know from his reaction and what happens from there on in weather he is thinking about your feelings, or just doing it because its easy.. and then you can make a judgement yourself.

Original poster
hatesponge · 19/04/2012 11:01

notsure I agree with everyone's advice. It's like negotiating - you know what you want to achieve, but you have to know at what point you walk away from the table. If you have that firmly in mind and stick to it, worst case it doesn't work out but you'll know you tried and you won't be left wondering.

I'm struggling with this text. I am not a natural flirt at the best of times. Have now typed about 4 and deleted before sending because they all sound utterly lame. Can't even manage to be witty at the moment!

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 11:07

Yes notsure tell him, but also try to work out what it is he does that makes you feel this way. Is it actually something he does or doesn't do, if so what is it? Is it something that he can easily change or will it require some change from you too? Be prepared to compromise as well as work on the issue Smile

Tell us what he said Sponge and we will think of a smutty witty reply Grin

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 11:09

sponge - what did he text - we will help....