Welcome to the Turning Tavern

[Gay40]

This is a thread for women who unexpectedly (or not) find themselves attracted to another woman.

G40, as I understand sleep hasn't stopped feeling the same for the wiq - that would be crush and burn. If she suddenly has cooled down, then of course I understand that she should turn her back, but I don't think her feelings have just vanished (have they sleep?)

Well as none of us know what WIQ has replied - or if she's replied - there's not much point questioning what might/might not happen. Let's wait for sleepless to update.

I think she did what she did/wrote what she wrote last night was for her own sanity.

I said that G, and I don't think anyone should take it for granted that they will find many people who have this effect on them. That's hy I'm loathe to see when people split and never meet the same connectyion (and even fewer chances with another woman - and this one is single which again is lucky) - and then you hear all these stories of regrets that they lost the person. Let's be realistic about chances of finding something like that (plenty out for flings, but special people who are available is like gold dust).

sorry shocking grammar - ignore the 'was' in last sentence. I need more coffee....

polly I really support her decision to write that e mail, indeed for her sanity but also so that she sorts her situation with P. I just don';t see why she went for the extreme of telling wiq she'll never contact her and not waiting for reply. How would you feel in wiq's shoes? like a slap in the face, I'd say!

I agree about the connection but I also think it was far too speedy to be sustainable.

If there is any mileage in it......things will happen later down the line.

And Likea I do agree with the thrust of your argument, unfortunately sleepless has met her WIQ at a bad time, she's still involved in a relationship that maybe should have finished a while ago. But still involved she is, and she has always maintained she would not cheat.

But as IHeart pointed out, if WIQ returns feelings she would hopefully support sleepless platonically while sleepless decides what she wants to do.

Maybe Likea, but I think sleepless was upset and embarrassed and when she wrote just couldn't face possibly getting a reply which would upset her even more.

YEs, I agree about speed G, I'm all for giving it a chance within longer timescale as i mentioned, with the wiq's consent. THe expression shutting the door usually means ' this is it, no more chances'.

polly, yes I also mentioned that sleep can be platonic and getting to know the woman while she's sorting things out (or not seeing her for a bit but if she needs that), but to let wiq support her and give her a chance to respond is what'm on about, not just shutting her out. Wiq may offer friendship instead, which may also be an option as sleep will need support when dealing with P.

Yes she will need support - I'm wondering if this might be what decides sleepless to call it a day with her DP.

It's interesting that AF remembers her previous threads and her advice to 'leave the bastard' (in MN terms ), there is more (obviously enough I suppose) to their relationship problems than sleepless has mentioned here.

sorry by 'be what' I mean this whole crisis with WIQ, regardless of outcome.

yes, of course there is more if even AF told her to leave. /this thread wasn't about her r-ship with P, but she did mention a few things that sentt a bad vibe about him. Like even he never wabts to stay with kids for her to go out unless she physically leaves without asking, and other references. I think she's wasting her time on a person who isn't really loving, I'm with AF that she should leave and then coparent.

tonne you are simply not listening to what I say

I said waaaay back she should not necessarily stay with her P, but not leap into a relationship that will fuck her head up even more. If she who is one of a few people that I think she may be, she should have left her P long ago, IMO. This thread makes no difference to that.

why is that so difficult for you to process ? Are you of the opinion that people only leave relationships if they have someone else to go to ? That seems to be what you are saying, and that would be very poor advice from you if you that is what you are condoning.

oh yes, I'm sure this will open her eyes and make her take action with P whether she wants to try counselling or leave. If it was me, I'd leave, it's rare that men change much at his age.

oh, cross posted with you tonne, sorry

it seems we are not that far apart

our only difference is I think this "relationship" she has cooked up out of nowhere is fucking her head up even more and that to really figure out what she needs to do, she actually needs to detach from eveything that is confusing her

which she is doing, and I agree with her

what am i not processing AF? I never said people should only leave if they meet someone - I left my marriage after I realised it's not going to be better and we aer not roght for each other. I had crushes during it too, but when i was leaving there was no one on the scene. Where did I say that? All i said that if it already happened that she met someone (NOT planned or deviously arranged), then it's better than leaving P being on her own and possibly dithering about the split out of fear - if she had a new person it would give her support and inspiration. But obviously she should leave in any case. My point was why lose something precious, so hard to come across (if wiq is interested).

AF I understand if she needs to step back from wiq to process it all, but then why not say so rather than tell her pretty much not to bother replying? I think wiq should have a chance to have a say, not be suddenly knocked back for good. And she's not in r-ship with htis woman, is she, it's only attraction and friendship so far, so it's harsh to say that sleep cooked it up, she feels what she feels, it happened.

My point was why lose something precious, so hard to come across

its not that hard to come across though! when a relationship is ending or struggling, its very common to latch onto someone else and forge a connection, bourne out of a desire for companionship and validation. thats why people have rebound relationships. the only difference is, as far as I can see, is that the object of infatuation is a woman. and that, in itself, doesnt make it a different situation (iykwim)

Well I think it might be precious if both people feel the same way, meeting someone you really really like who really really likes you is quite special, IMO. But that doesn't seem like what is happening here, the WIQ seems quite non-committal and thus far platonic which would make it a one-sided crush, which is far more common.

and that, in itself, doesnt make it a different situation (iykwim)

Nor entirely different, no, but it does thow an almight spanner in the works. Not only has sleepless developed feelings for someone else, that someone else is a women and sleepless had no idea - until two weeks ago - she would ever feel like this about a woman. When that happens it makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself.

I understand that, I genuinely do, but normal, moral rules, within your own relationship, still apply imo.

not having those types of feelings for someone before, doesnt mean that its ok to act on them.

exactly, and that brings us back nicely to square one - sleepless has always said she has no intention of cheating on her partner.

Wow, I see I missed a bit.
I tend to agree with the view that it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, and cheating is cheating. It is not easy to deal with doubts about sexuality, it is confusing and destabilising. It has been an issue for me, and I have needed help at times (psychotherapy) but I do manage to be faithful to my H.

Crikey. Never a dull moment on this thread.
I was in a longterm r-ship when I started to have feelings for my wiq and it was and has been at times (for all concerned) a total f-ing head-fry as you can see your marriage unravelling (I'd been unhappyish for some time but wasn't looking for anything so it was a bolt out of the blue) AND you're also dealing with your feelings for another person (who also happens to be a woman, just to add another aspect). It's a lot to take on board. There were so many huge shifts and changes going on it's hard to know who you can trust to talk to in confidence so you can feel very isolated. I wish I'd had this thread to turn to when I was going through all the craziness. It doesn't end there as people find out and yesterday I had one of my siblings ringing me shocked that I hadn't told her (some unnamed person had kindly told her all about my private business). She thinks other family members know too so I will have to deal with each of their reactions too. Not overjoyed at the prospect of being given the Spanish inquisition by my bro + co. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is it wasn't easy splitting up with my ex and going through the total roller coaster of emotions BUT I will say - in agreement with Likea - that I believe it is hard to find strong connections with people, be they male or female, unless you're young and unattached and out there socialising frantically. I think Sleep is right to sort out her r-ship with her partner as it sounds like there are issues there anyway, but I don't think she should completely shut the door on the wiq until she has had a response to her email. Maybe have the door ajar a little...