Welcome to the Turning Tavern

[Gay40]

This is a thread for women who unexpectedly (or not) find themselves attracted to another woman.

I'm just imagining myself in her shoes if I got the email and been told not to contact (regardless of how I feel) - I'd resent this as patronising and not givingme a vote. (Of course I mean if she feels anything towards you.)

then the cap doesn't fit, cherroes

I haven't berated sleepless, I have been berating the posters who have been cheerleading infidelity

*cherries

surely if she wants to talk or discuss this, it would be unfair and hrash to refuse, after all the closeness you've experienced ('you are the first person I want to talk to ..' etc)? this U turn can be very upsetting to her and unfair. At least give her a chance to agree not to have contact.

AF, yes, three were flippant comments bordering on erotic, but they were not the essence.

*there were

no I do understand what you are saying AF, I really do. I am VERY much in that camp myself.

Weirdly though i was having a very similar talk to a friend today about another mutual friend who has been in a grim relationship for years. Our friend (who is very nice generally) is frankly horrible to her DH in front of people and is almost proud of the fact that she hates sex and they haven't had sex for years. Anyway, her DH did in fact begin an affair and nobody was surprised or judged him. I supposed because it was obvious that his confidence had been ground down so low Our friend was incandescent about it and though under normal circumstances we would have been hurriedly standing up for her we said "but you don't even like or want him?!" I saw him today, they are still together and it is really sad. Sorry, a bit off topic but just saying that things are not always black and white.

exactly, Cherries, there is no ONE rule for all scenarios.

tonne, you will hate me for saying this, but I think your own situation is making you take sleeplessindenial's almost personally, to the point of brushing the fact that she is engaged to the father of her baby to one side, as if it was insignificant

the projection in your posts really stands out (to me). Even now, you are grasping at straws that sleepless herself has said are not appropriate for where she is right now....why do you seem so desperate for her and this woman to find a way to be together ?

you may not agree with what I say, but I wouldn't imagine you could say I wasn't anything but objective here. Could you say the same ?

< takes own self off tonne's xmas card list >

That is true. Also last summer my wonderful, honest, caring, compassionate BF was having a very tough time with her job, kids and marriage and as a result developed a huge, almost overwhelming crush on a guy she saw at the gym. Of course I didn't encourage her to go for it but I did listen to her let her talk it through etc I made it clear that I thought it would be insane of her to act on her feelings as she does love her husband and he loves her but I learned that sometimes these things do happen to even the most loyal people. She didn't do anything at all and it has all blown over now, I encouraged her to develop a love affair with running instead and that seemed to help!!

Crikey i need to go to bed! Night all x

AnyFucker, sorry if you found my post 'strangely hostile' or bad mannered, that wasn't my intention at all! I guess telling someone they have, in your opinion, lost their cheery sparkle, is never going to be a popular opinion. I wasn't having a go, just kind of saying, 'hey, s'up with you, then?'.

So, how is everyone this morning? :)

ok , no problem, Hep but there is nothing wrong with my sparkle honestly. You were the second person within a few minutes to say "I know you, but you don't know me" and it kinda makes one feel at a bit of a disadvantage. And me wading into this thread with my unpopular reservations was not meant to be hostile or bad-mannered either.

Sorry AF, I think it was me that said "knew" you but had since name changed. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable at all, I just had a thread a whole back that you were very helpful on although I buried my head in the sand ignored all advice and name changed and that I have always remembered your kindness.

this thread isn't about poor ole me

sleepless, if you are still in the same relationship I think you might be, you should leave him today

AF you are just contadicting yourself. You tell her to leave her P today (which I agree with even going by vibes from sleep on this thread only, but now my vibe has been confirmed by you mentioning how bad it was!), and then saying 'but she's engaged to the father of her child', so how could she possibly get involved! Well, I don't see the dillemma then, she can leave him today or whenever and get involved with the wiq if there is mutual attraction. I'm urging her not to lose the wiq in the process as these kind of chances of love and connection don't come along often. From my (and polly's experience) Iknow indeed how precious such chances are, it's hard in our cases to fall for someone and meet with disinterest, or at best not knowing whether you stand any chance andf going into very slow process of ups and downs while wiq's send confusing messages. Of course I take it personally from this point of you because if sleep is lucky enough to get interest - it's precious. I'm not surprised that you mentioned me seeing this from my perspective, I can't see what's wrong with that, as this is a thread for women in this situation, I'm not at all offended. In this case wiq is so encouraging and welcoming that it would be a crying shame to let it go and then for sleep to be alone and looking for someone new. She may forever regret it. WHY on earth should she go searching later it, if she already found someone, who could presumable give her the time she needs to sort things out with P. After years of shite, this could what she deserved after all. I'm not saying that she should force anything on the wiq obv, this all applies only if wiq starts asking for discussion and wants to give it a chance. Are you saying, 'just push her away'?

*point of view (rolls eyes)

been lurking on this, but AF isnt saying that the connection should be ignored, just that sleep shouldnt act on it until she has ended her relationship. its better to be alone than with someone you dont want and in a shitty relationship. but would be terrible to start something new without finishing an existing relationship.

well, she is not getting involved is she? My point is about shutting the door on the woman - THIS is what really upsets me. WE said millions of times now that sleep should leave her P, esp[ecially in the light of new info about her other thread - and I said a million times that yes, she should taketoime to be sure, but this can be discussed with wiq and that woman may well give her all the time she needs (which actually I'm sure won't be long). It's getting really tedious people repreating that sleep sheouldn't do anything behind P
s back - she's not planning to! but I'm saying she should at leasst give wiq a chance of a talk and discussion if wiq wants to, not shut the door after all the closeness they already have. Why should she be on her own if she leaves p? I do not get it! there is no pressure of commitmant immediately, she could just be platonic with wiq as i say, get to know her as a person, while she sorts herself out

so where has AF said that she should shut the door?

and what do you mean by it?

because, if this woman feels the same way, and is worth having, she wont abandon sleep when she needs her.

sleep said she was shutting the door when I asked last night. Then AF was saying why am I trying to pursuade sleep not to.
I did add that I'm hoping that the woman would not just let sleep decide for both of them if she feels anything for her.

I think Sleep has done exactly what she needs to do to keep herself sane - and I did have a feeling this might be the outcome (crash and burn) but it's far more important that Sleep does what she feels is best for her situation and peace of mind and that the regulars on this thread support in that.

I also think if there is any mileage in the situation with her WIQ, then that will happen much later down the line when things are clearer for Sleepless

and the reason sleep was giving is that she doesn't want to play games and lead the wiq on - well the woman has her own mind and intentions, she's not a child, and i was saying it's patronising and unfair to do such a U turn on her without even a discussion. She sounded like she didn't even want to read any responses as she feels guilty (well, that's daft).

Gay, I understand that sleep needs to do what she feels at this moment is right, but just 'shutting the door' got me, it's fat too harsh but also unwise. Why not take her time but not shut any doors??

Someone somewhere else on some other thread has said that finiding someone who makes you feel alive is often the catalyst for getting out of a shitty marriage. I agree.
It sounds like Sleepless has long forgotten what it's like to cherish and be cherished and now those feelings have been reawakened (even if it isn't mutual) it is a turning point for whatever she decides to do.