Welcome to the Turning Tavern

[Gay40]

This is a thread for women who unexpectedly (or not) find themselves attracted to another woman.

Apologies, to be honest I hadn't read the whole thread and was not aware Sleepless was already in a relationship :)

AF, with respect, if you have read the thread you will have seen my comments about cheating.
There are no usual rules of relationships, only the ones that people create for themselves or subscribe to as a societal pressure.
When sexual orientation comes into the mix, it throws an extra spanner in the works.
If you think I am cheerleading infidelity, then you either have not read the whole thread or you haven't interpreted any of my posts correctly. Please do not presume to be disappointed in my approach - it simply doesn't work.

And if you are disgusted by the thread, don't hang around it.....

AF nobody has suggest she go ahead and cheat - I've already had this conversation with bunny. And sleepless herself has said several times she has no intention of cheating.

Ere we go again....

AF it was mentioned many times that situation is far from easy regarding sleepless' situation, but to me it's obvious that her re-ship is not really working (she mentioned also that her DP is no saint, I assume hasn't been always completely loyal) - if she has now discovered that it's the woman she wants, I really can't see how she can just go back to her Dp as if nothing happened EVEN if the woman doesn't reciprocate. Not all r-ships are meant to last, she doesn't seeem to be happy there. I for one think MN is well away from real life often when they tell someone to stick to their partner come what may, in my book if you aer nt REALLY happy with them, why should you, better to separate and get a chance of happiness. I think it's best she separates, but she didn't have a chance yet with things spiralling so fast with her feelings. It's just a matter of time. most likely (the separation).

june - do yo umean that your woman also confused you by stating she liked a man/type of men? sleepless, I'd definitely dig deeper on that one, just ask whether she would date a man like this now.
I don't agree that the woman had a chance to declare feelings already - sleep only gently told her she has a bit of a crush - she doesn't have to instantly reply to that. By text at that.
polly I raised this long time ago, that ex might tell her partner if she declares feelings, but I thought this was already discussed that they ar not in contact and that she's not resentful, so why would she? they aer pretty much strangers now. We decided that she'd have to be seriously evil to lead her on just for some revenge to her ex. She doesn't sound like that at all (miniscule theoretical risk, yes).

Likea sorry, yes I forgot you had asked that previously, but my concern still stands - she really hasn't known WIQ long enough to know how she might react.

you know, polly, I just think that some things in life are meant to happen. If it's meant to happen that sleepless separates from partner, it will not be ONLY because the wiq said something to him, so let her (if hse is THAT evil) - but I don;t think she will as she will come across badly herself (leading sleep on) and sleep's partmer has no reason to belielve her anyway. I think she should tell her how she feels (unless wiq responds to the crush comment anyway) and find out where she stands, just to keep her sanity. As Gay says, when the whole ID is in an issue a person can go crazy in that confused state, better to be open and deal with results, she can then move on one way or another. WIQ may not be ready for full on thing, but she may well give it a chance. If not - really, not much harm done as she can then apologise and move on whichever way she wants. So far nothing physical happened so it hasn't gone too far.

I didn't say she should stay with her partner, I would say (like I always say...as do others who seemingly have forgotten that they do) that she should be fair on her existing partner and not pursue someone else while she remains with him

why does the F/F angle make any difference at all ?

I don't think that different rules apply

has one person said she should talk to her partner about it ? Or is more about keeping it from him ? Look at your posts, some of you. I wonder how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of this kind of deceit.

is it more

nothing physical has happened ? Have you read the Relationships threads ?

if a partner of yours was putting themselves on a plate for someone else, would you be cool with that ?

or would you think it was only one step away (and so far, it's the seeming ambivalence of this OW, which is just as well) from sleeping with soeone else ?

Where in the country are you synch? I'll let you know how my chat at the school gates goes. Thinking I'll try and catch aforementioned lesbian mum tomorrow for a discrete chat :). I agree that the RL bit is more tricky, but in general I'm finding it harder to care what other people think about what I do with my life. It's actually very liberating. I went to the cinema this evening with exdp & I like him much more as a friend. We passed a mutual friend who looked surprised at us trotting along together so amiably as a separated couple . I don't think people really believe we can truly be friends. Life can be unexpected and really quite amusing sometimes.

Hephep I'd have thought Cornwall would have a thriving gay scene. Am I misinformed? . I know what you mean about the unsureness and I could understand people feeling wary of a previously heterosexual woman being curious.

Anyfucker I appreciate your keeping an eye out for potential hypocrisy but just because something is discussed openly doesn't make it more likely to happen than if it is swept under the carpet. I think people are firing warning shots at sleepless re speed of the proceedings.

...seeming ambivalence of the OW that has stopped it

dunno what's happened to my yping

*typing

bloody hell

It's not about supporting the partners of people who are struggling with a crush on another woman. It's to support the women themselves.
This thread is for the women concerned to sift through a crush that might blow over or develop into more, and how to deal with the consequences.
What reaction do you think that revelation would get from most male partners?
The F/F angle does make it slightly different.

she purely didn't have time to deal with her partner, as all of this has happened within the last 10 days or so - it's too early to know what to say to him imo at this point. She's een too overwhelmed with the whole new 'woman' thing and is questioning everything now, to bring the talk with the partner into the mix is too soon and too confusing for him. Say, if the woman has no interest, she may well still separate but not mention the woman (especially being his ex) as why hurt him and herself unneccessarily? she could hen say that r-ship isn't working. If hte wiq does reciprocate then at least sleep can say something comprehensive to him, rather than a load of confusion.

then I am firing warning shots about infidelity

because that is what it already is

the intention is there...or have we all forgotten that is the crux of it ?

Well, I don't know if she should talk to her partner or not - that's kind of up to Sleep, but if she has only just started having these feelings, it seems she needs a space to process them (without cheating which I didn't think was on the cards at the moment) first. I did suggest up thread that she should consider taking time to think about her current relationship, but tried to do it in an empathetic, non-judgmental way, as I hope I would to anyone.

I guess maybe my perceptions are skewed by the fat that I was in an awful relationship and although I didn't cheat with the person I had a crush on, I am well aware that it could have been a possibility had my feelings been reciprocated.

I don't think there is much infantile 'egging on' on this thread, more that people are trying to keep this a light-ish and safe feeling space for what is quite a difficult and painful process for some (I can only speak for myself, but the breakdown of a relationship and dealing with questions around sexuality at the same time has been pretty hard going for me).

AF I wouldn't call it 'offering herself on a plate' sexually! all she mentioned is wanting a hug but she's still scared herself as it's completely new. I'm sure as can be that if wiq reciprocated, sleepless wouldn't go to bed with her bEFORE dealing with the P first. She's after encouragement emoptinally, not after jumping into bed and having a fling!

so, if my husband was mooning after another woman, meeting up with her to deliberately to "feel out" the vibe, then indulging in that teenage text tennis you wouldn't be telling me that he was detaching from me and planning to fuck me over then ?

I will not be drawn on the F/F slant. Cheating is cheating, whatever the orientation.

Why is my typing so slow? X posts again with lots.

world I'm in the South-West. I like what you say about not caring what others think. I need to start getting into that place too. Do let me know how the chat goes. I'm thinking of emailing one of the lesbian couple I know to ask her advice.

I do respect that you're voicing that perspective for sleepless and the rest of us Anyfucker. It gives a balance. I guess one of the things about infidelity is that it can be very sudden and very powerful. Has the potential to be very explosive. I am speaking from bitter experience. Why is there no fear emotion for me to insert?

intent is there, so what is she supposed to do? squash it and pretend it didn't happen? it's IMPOSSIBLE, especially as the connection shefeels is mind blowing (obviously bigger than with her P). Intent is emotional though and not a seedy quick fumble behind p's back. If intent is actually love and current r-ship doesn't offer that, then that's how r-ships break up and people have to move on. You can't prescribe when this happens, before separation or after. That's what i mean about realities of life. Very few couples split without one having feelings/crushes for others. It's a sign that r-ship is not working for one at least (and I don't mean a little one night crush).

I can assure you, AF, that there is a slightly different aspect to it.

Cheating is cheating, we are probably all agreed on that, but when an apparently superficial switch in sexual orientation is thrown in, there are extra dimensions to consider. If you've been in this position you'll get what I mean...if not, then you are being somewhat naive in thinking it is as straightforward as simply fucking someone else outside of your marriage.