Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

Mills and Boon isn't erotic literature.

Gosh Pingu youre right, reading a book that has an odd bit of soft crap love scenes is absolutely the same as watching a graphic video of a woman get jizzed on/fisted/gangbanged

so its alright to watch porn if there are kids about as long as the screen is turned away Dodie?

Atree - crimstoppers have an anonymous reporting service for things like this - you can do it online; put as much detail as possible in about the man involved (names, school he works out etc) and it will get followed up.

What often happens is that the local CID/child protection team pay an informal visit to the individual in question; take a shot across his bows, if you like, and make him aware of what has been said, all the while not saying whether they believe it or not. The police will often alert the employer in the same way, as well, which can lead to an internal investigation.

Give over girls! They're just bored men and entitled to view porn whenever they want. I've lost count of the number of bored men I've witnessed today alone viewing porn - the postman on his round this morning. The refuse collector emptying the bins.The football coach at my son's training this morning.The bus driver waiting 5mins at the bus stop. The dentist inbetween appointments. The dispenser at the local pharmacy. Mr neighbour over the road whilst caring for his elderly mother. My other neighbour as his 4 year old son walked besides him down to the park. All men look at porn when they are bored and there's nothing wrong with it.

Anything wrong with this?

If you can't see what's wrong with someone 'looking after a child / AND viewing porn at the same time' - well how normalised has porn viewing become?

yes Whitegold.

"All men look at porn"

"men are visual creatures"

"Its not about the shagging its about the angle of the leg/camera work/decor of the studio grotty backstreet flat"

"Men have different sex drives"

its just all so isnt it?

Ooops that reminds me, DS is 3 now, better get cracking on and get him introduced to a bit of good wholesome porn. Cant have him growing up thinking its not normal to need to watch porn whenever hes bored can I?

This is getting so amusing. It is like a game of chinese whispers. People are suggesting that someone be reported to the police for watching "schoolgirl
" porn even though they know that all the participants are adults. For what crime exactly?

And everyone talking about watching porn "in front" of children whilst acknowledging that the child in question was actually in another room at the time and had not viewed any porn.

But of course we are in the land of "maybes" and men being guilty until proved innocent. The point is that the OP has said her child DEFINITELY did not see any porn. Of course, IF he had wondered into the room and IF the screen was positioned in a certain way, he might have. But, to quote an old Spanish expression: "if my aunt had bollocks, she'd be my uncle".

These porn threads always end up like the Spanish inquisition. Why not just give the guy trial by drowning. You know any man innocent of any intent to be unfaithful would easily swim with weights tied to him. And, if he drowns, he is just another privileged twunt getting his just desserts.

People are suggesting that someone be reported to the police for watching "schoolgirl porn even though they know that all the participants are adults. For what crime exactly?

Crimestoppers is an independent charity, not the police

If no crime has been committed, then there's no charge - but that is the police's job to investigate, as they are the professionals. Whose to say there isn't already a file on this particular individual? An investigation into child abuse/grooming etc is like a jigsaw puzzle - every piece creates a clearer picture.

but if he's innocent, then so what? No harm, no foul and all that - isn't it better to be safe than sorry? I'm sure that as a teacher versed in the child protection protocols he will be familiar with the need for enquiries to be made regarding all allegations - a private chat with a CID officer is not going to ruin his life, or career, is it?

No, I don't. I think it would be tawdry and I am, if anything, overprotective of my children. On the other hand, I hate to rush to judgment of others over relatively small things. I would far rather my toddlers got a glimpse of porn than any real violence and no one is suggesting that the child in question is neglected or having a bad life. We all have standards that we hope to live up to with our children but most parents slip up somewhat along the way and deserve a little compassion and understanding when they do.

NotaDisney,

So what is the allegation? I assume you have to allege a crime has taken place. You cannot just allege poor taste in porn, I am guessing. Or are you suggesting that someone fabricates a crime in order to bring the police to investigate?

I think it is a very scary world where people call the police when they actually do not believe a crime has been committed but merely because they think someone may be having inappropriate thoughts.

Larry - will you give compassion and understanding to anyone viewing porn and looking after your children? Maybe when they are older and playing elsewhere with friends you will have no problem with the adult viewing porn in the same house?

"Why not just give the guy trial by drowning. You know any man innocent of any intent to be unfaithful would easily swim with weights tied to him."

Watching pornography isn't about being unfaithful It's about supporting an industry in which women are routinely raped and abused. Is that what you think people's problem with porn is? That it means their partners are being, or might be unfaithful?

"I would far rather my toddlers got a glimpse of porn than any real violence"

Most "hardcore" pornography is very violent towards women - unless you believe that women like getting punched repeatedly in the arse/vagina and that they're actually having an orgasm at the delight of it all.

In fact Larry - care to guess what age your children will be when they first stumble across porn?

So what is the allegation? I assume you have to allege a crime has taken place. You cannot just allege poor taste in porn, I am guessing. Or are you suggesting that someone fabricates a crime in order to bring the police to investigate?

I think it is a very scary world where people call the police when they actually do not believe a crime has been committed but merely because they think someone may be having inappropriate thoughts.

No allegation of a crime is necessary through Crimestoppers - it is sufficient to express concern about the behaviour of an individual, which will be passed on to relevant intelligence teams and action taken accordingly, based on assessment of risk, provenance and history.
Are you familiar with Child Protection procedures, larry? Why do you think involving the police is scary? They, and other similar professionals are trained and qualified to assess whether an individuals behaviour is inappropriate, misguided or within the realms of acceptability in each circumstance.

All of this is totally irrelevant to the OP who has no doubt long gone, and who I hope, will not have to deal with this issue again. Sorry OP!

Whitegold,

In the internet age, they are going to see far more than I would like them to see but straight porn is not my main concern. I would far rather that they viewed straight porn than, for example, the execution of Sadaam Hussein.

Keep has decided that the OP's partner was watching some kind of specialist sado masochist porn when there has been no suggestion that this was the case. I don't think I have ever seen women being punched to orgasm in my life but then I am clearly not a viewer of the same kind of websites as some on this board.

Compassion and understanding for someone who got an urge to watch porn while in charge of a child and couldnt wait until later on?

Whats to understand?

"I would far rather my toddlers got a glimpse of porn than any real violence" - Hmmmm......Id rather have to explain to my 3 yo why hitting is wrong than why some people enjoy watching someone having a fist shoved up their vagina tbh.

"hardcore Porn" regularly shows "fisting" Larry - I suppose punching sounds a bit worse than "fisting" and has offended your sensibilities.

NotaDisney,

I find it scary because I have a Jewish background and can see where this "informing" culture leads.

I am curious as to what your background is as I still struggle to believe that the police would be in the least bit interested? Next you will tell me that they are hanging around School Disco.com's various events in the hope that they may spot a potential paedo.

Larry - I would rather they saw neither and although we have control over what they view in this house the same can not be said when they go elsewhere. Especially when porn use is regarded as the norm - when users and consumers want it seen as 'harmless' because it suits them not to be questioned about why they view it. I believe the op mentioned that her DP was watching 'hardcore' porn - I have to take your word for it about the type that is likely to be.

Just to remind posters that the OP said that her partner had been viewing 'hardcore porn' at the material time. Mainstream hardcore porn always depicts violence to women and practices that as a man, Larry would presumably not like to experience himself. I'm not sure what Larry means by 'straight porn' therefore. Perhaps porn featuring gay men would be rather too realistic a spectacle for men who are only comfortable when the pain is being experienced by a woman?

I like the sweet little "I don't think I have ever seen women being punched to orgasm in my life"

Well neither have I - most of the female orgasms in pornography aren't real either, Larry.

Not that it matters, the women are just there to have penises inserted into them or emptied over them.

I'm not going to tell the OP what to do because it's her relationship, but as it's been opened wide on the internet I feel entitled to talk about it even though the OP has now made her own decision and I wish her the best of luck with it. She doesn't have to check back on this thread having made her decision, but we can all carry on contributing because we are finding it interesting.

One thing that really jumped out at me was her DP's suggestion that "I blocked his access to these sites". That's highly indicative that he sees her as his moral guardian, accepts no responsibility for his own actions, and probably has an addiction. Whatever, I don't see this as being the end of it.

I also think her questioning of his judgment is really valid. Even taking away the moral argument about porn (personally I don't think you can but that's another debate), any parent who deliberately engages in an inappropriate activity while they should be supervising their child is guilty of poor judgement. They can still be a nice person but nice doesn't mean good judgement nor can it protect a child. What's to say he won't exercise that degree of poor judgement again - when he takes the child round his mates and is having such a good time he doesn't look to check the child is not too near the uncovered pond/knife left out/stairs...

I think all those things stand even if it was gambling, rather than porn. But then add in the violence of porn and what it represents and the whole thing is a million times worse.

having had probs with a child a school who obviously has been exposed to things they should not have seen; call the police and get rid of him or deal with the consequences of a parent like me calling in the authorities when the result of your partners actions manifest and lead to inappropriate behaviour.