Why don't my parents help us when we are on the brink of losing everything, but give my sister obscene amounts of money?

[Changeforthebad]

Dh lost his job. He is struggling to find a new one. We have a 6 year old and a 4 month old.

We are living off my maternity allowance.it ends in July.

My parents are millionaires, but divorced. They have offered us nothing.not practically or emotionally.

My sister has just asked for £150k to embark on her 3rd career choice (they paid for the other courses too)

They will give it to her

I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Our baby is on her last nappy pack. I dont know what will happen after this.

There has been so many times these past 8 years when she has gotten huge amounts of money. I always just let it slide for the sake of peace. Even when they stood back the first time round when we both lost our jobs. Even when I got evicted.

But now feels the final straw. We are our our knees a left to struggle.

I know I am greedy and nasty

But I feel despair

I feel like I want to cut my family out of my life. I take it anymore. They are standing back letting their grandchildren suffer. My sister gets a life changing amount of money.

I feel so low.

I'm so sorry.

Change That's awful, using you to offload all his issues. I had this offloading situation in my own family and it really does wear you down. That parent seems fixated on the one topic and hardly notices you as a human being with needs of your own. Very tough.
Just a thought, but does your sister take after your Mum by any chance? I might be totally wrong here, in which case I am sorry to have mentioned it. I am reading a situation where your Mum and your Sister are "fair weather friends" maybe? Can't cope when the going gets tough maybe? Like to be "helped" or need a "rescuer" every so often? Sorry if this is totally out of order.Some people are like that. You sound like quite a strong character to me and worth giving a helping hand.

He then said he was going to employ someone to do DIY around house but if dh will undercut him then to less than £10 ph there will be two week work to see us through for a bit

I find this so appalling. What a sick man. He must be getting some kind of kick out of treating your DH like indentured labour because of your family's financial hardship. He'll employ your DH if he undercuts the other contractor??? Wanker.

It expresses so much about how he values you.

If your DH wants to do this kind of work, can he provide it to a customer who will treat him with some respect instead?

" You sound like quite a strong character to me and worth giving a helping hand."

Thank you Rez. I think in our brief posts, and inspite of us being strangers, that is nicer than anything they have ever said to me. It means so much xxx

This post is ringing some bells for me Changeforthebad. I seem to recall your sister was training to be a vet?

If so I'm so sorry that it all is stil going on with no resolution.

If I'm wrong, I apologise.

I wish you strength and hope you find wisdom in the words of MNers.

Hi Change
Over the years, my parents gave my sister thousands and thousands of pounds - Oh, and a house - oh, and put her children through private schools.
At one point, my mother told me, quite seriously, that she really thought they should write a will leaving everything to my sister, too. I can't remember all the reasons, but one was that her husband didn't earn as much as did mine or my sister's (not true, but that is hardly the point)
I could go on, but this post would become a book.
I, on the other hand, have never had, or asked for, a penny. My mother, to this day, goes on about how they put me through college. This was back in the day of no fees and full grants - they paid nothing, but what is a bit of re-writing history
I don't have any advice, just a bit of hand holding because I know how much it hurts. :(

Hi chaos, no its not a vet that the career change, be interesting to read thread though if similar.

Arthritic wow, your mother sounds dreadful. The audacity to claim she paid for a free college! Reminds me of my dad who keeps mentioning he paid for our wedding. Hmm, no you didn't. We paid for the whole thing. does your mOther treat you equally in other ways?

A couple of things occur to me as I read through your thread.

You sound as though you are very depressed. Get yourself to your GPs and ask for some help with this.
You say your mum is only around when you're happy which I know sounds harsh but to be honest being around someone who is depressed is very draining and wearing and if you're not trying to get help then I would have some sympathy with not wanting to visit, please try and get some help. (You also say she didn't visit when you were ill and needed help mind you and I feel that is innexcusable as well as kicking you out asking you to leave when your exh left you.)

Write down everything that bothers you about the way your parents treat you and your sister differently in a long ranty list, it will either be quite cathartic or will make you even more angry.
If it really makes you angry then I would consider rewriting your list in a less ranty way as a letter and mailing it to your parents. Although make sure you don't sound grabby and greedy. Be prepared that the fallout from this could be that you are diowned and disinherited but givien the favouritism shown towards your sister I would be counting on any great inheritance anyway.

I think you may have to admit that your family are just extremely selfish and that you would be better off without them.

I say cut them off.

I have been a SP with £12 to live on and feed 2 kids and managed. So I could say stand on your own two feet and get on with it. However neither of my parents were in a position to help me much financially, but yours are and appear to be deliberate choosing to withhold help.

My sister has always been given more rope than me. The reason for this is that she gives ultimatums to her affections - she doesn't do this verbally so much as by seriously acting up whereas I have always hung in for bad treatment regardless and so am taken for granted.

I think you should DEMAND not ask for financial help. I would stop talking to your parents until they at least see how much you are hurting about this - I think you need to shake your parents up. I suspect that you have never really rebelled - I bet your sister has and that's why they don't take her for granted. Your husband should turn down your fathers offer. You need to be a little bit disrespectful IMO.

Put the issue of money to one side OP. You're not going to get a bean from them anway.
This sort of favouritism and rewriting of history is corrosive.

DH's parents have said so many times that they paid for DH to go to uni that they actually believe it. In fact it was free and he got a grant which he topped up by working in a factory.

They say they gave him 'help' with his first flat - he took out a 100% mortgage.

Recently they took to telling anyone who would listen how much help they gave me with the DC. This really burns as we never ask as they always let us down.

I'll try to search it out for you Changeforthebad - there may be some wise words on there for you.
I'll be back.

:)

What a desperately awful situation. I can not believe your parents are like this. I would really consider cutting them off. I mean what have you got to lose it sounds very toxic indeed. I do wonder whether there is some god awful skeleton in a closet that would explain it all. Sorry for your situation. My great aunt had a saying 'never make time for people that hurt you' I think that's relevant here.

My advice is not to take the work and not to ask for money again. It's not being given anyway, asking is only making you feel terrible, and the small amount of work is absolutely ridiculous, fancy asking your husband to undercut someone else when they are millionaires. I think you are right to feel aggrieved, the recession has not been kind to us, however my family have helped out without making me feel like even more of a failure.

If there was any chance they would help, fair enough. But I think fixing your hopes on them when they so clearly don't want to help is actually destructive for you, and stopping you working out how else you will get out of this mess.

I think you should put all your energies into getting as much help as you can from other sources. I know being a home-owner is actually worse in this situation as mortgage-relief does not kick in til several months in, and that's if you are eligible. You may have to face the worst case scenario, which is that you simply give the keys back and go into rented accommodation paid by the state. But do you know what, even if this happens, you will get through it, as you have done those times before.

I found it helped to face the worst-case scenario and then think of everything else as a positive on top of that (i.e. better than that scenario). Have you spoken with the mortgage company, tried a mortgage holiday, tried interest only, tell them you simply won't be able to pay. They are very keen for people not to default right now as it makes their balance sheet look bad, so a frank conversation may help.

Have you got any debts? Ring one of the free debt line (charity, like PayPlan, CCC) and ask about getting the repayments for tax credits sorted. I am sure it is not a 'priority debt' and you can write them a letter telling them to bog off and with a small token amount. If you have other debts, get them to negotiate with your lenders, you only have to pay a tiny amount if that's all you have.

Millions of people live on benefits alone, I know it won't be very nice and you won't necessarily live where you want or have the lifestyle you like, but you will survive this, have your lovely husband and family.

I think facing this will help you more than going to your family who seem to be deliberately hurtful or just ignorant of just how bad things are for ordinary families who have done nothing whatsoever wrong. Millions more would be like you too if they hadn't artificially kept mortgage rates low to stop the entire economy collapsing

Good luck with this, I wish you all the best.

Your family sound vile, I am so sorry you have no support.
I think your father is a nasty little man to offer your DH 2 weeks work to see you over.

Is there anyone else you can turn to for help?

Where abouts are you? You may find people can help, with job ideas if nothing else.

I think they sound a pair of pricks - I sign up to the same level of parenting as my mother. You give your last penny to your children if they need it. And I mean need it. You do.

I would ask dsis to get you some cash from them, I would ask them one last time, and then I would make it clear that if they don't want to help when you are really really against it, you want nothing more to do with them. And stick to it.

I totally agree with Fabulousdarling. I too think you need to shake your parents up and cut them off for a bit. And definitely get your DH to turn down the insulting offer.

I think the crux of the issue here is the inequality displayed by your parents in how they treat you in comparison to your sister. I can identify with how you feel as my parents have always favoured my sister over me and done a lot more for her and her DCs than they have for my DCs and I. I have come close to cutting them off but I think in the situation you have with your parents I would definitely cut them off. I know some have said you have no right to get money from them etc etc but seriously, they are your parents and they should want to help you as they have the means to. I know I would want to if I was in a position to help my DCs financially when they're adults.

Fucking. Hell. Sorry, Change, when I started reading your thread, I was trying to think of ways your parents could help you. Now, I'm just gobsmacked. How fucking hideous of of your father to suggest your DP undercut the opposition and get paid bugger all. I'm sorry, I'm not in the UK, so I cannot suggest anything helpful re benefits, etc. All I can say is, I can send anything you need, my dear. Hope you are okay.

The fact your dh has accepted the work irrefutably proves how much better a father he is than your dad. I am sure you will be ok some day soon although everything feels so shit now. Have you thought about going to the gp for yourself? I am pretty anti the if you are depressed get tablets line usually but would consider them now if I were you. Life is tough and they might help get through. If you had a broken leg you would have a cast for support...

Also you need to get out a little. Oh I know a social life is not high on your priority list (!) but job hunting is so soul destroying without all this family and financial hassle. Even a walk in the woods with your lovely husband, with a picnic if you can, might help shake all this crap out if your head for a little while.

Finally, have you thought about talking to your sister? Could you?

I admire how you have let off steam here without falling into the poor little me trap. You sound lovely.

Your family sounds toxic, OP.

I hope things start to ease a bit for you very soon, but I understand your feelings of hopelessness. I think you and your DH sound like you have a lovely little unit with your dd's, and you need to be kind to each other and hang on. Your DH must have had to swallow a certain amount of pride to work for under the going rate for such a hard-nosed man as your father and I totally salute him for doing that

The recession has made things much harder for very many people, that is for sure. The ones it doesn't appear to have touched in any way appear to have a definite and unfortunate "I'm all right jack" attitude towards the people it has affected.

OK, sounds like the situation with your parents might be a no-goer so you need to look elsewhere. Does your husband have any family that can help? If not directly financially can they help you with accommodation? Have you done a benefits check to make sure you are cliaming everything you can claim? Can your husband do any temping work/labour to tide you over for a bit longer? Have you cancelled any non essentail bills etc? Hope this doesnt sound patronising, thats not my intention, just trying to think what I would do in your situation

Hi all thank you so much for your messages of support.

We have been up since 7am applying for jobs, mostly abroad as that seems to be where dh line of work has opportunities.

Dh is down the job centre as I write, trying to double check any other entitlment then he is going to another office to show some paperwork the council needs to see for council tax.

When he gets back, hopefully he will have the reference no. for jsa the mortgage people said we needed so we can call back to get holiday from payment maybe?

Very upset my mother has not even replied to our messages.

I quite like idea of going abroad, as long as its good set up for our children, as we like to see it as starting afresh with a new chapter.

Go for it - go abroad.

And when you've gone, and settled, I'd write them a lovely long letter, setting it out in plain feckin' English the fact that you're done with them. That no matter what they say and what they tell themselves, if they want to sit down and add up the OBSCENE (good choice of words) amount of cash that has flowed to your sister, compared with what they won't even give to you in an emergency, they'll see why you're checking out of being the whipped dog of the family.

'Seems to us you're only interested in us when we're happy, then you can feed off it. But you're no support, ever. We're sick of your fair-weather relationship with us. We're done. Mum once said, best not to rely on us - so we won't. Bye. Oh and PS, you didn't pay a penny towards our wedding.

I don't think you necessarily need break off all contact, unless you want to.

Whilst I totally support the idea that families help each other out financially, there may be reasons why they want to limit their support to you (e.g. there's two of you as a family, more chances to earn, difficulties more than once). Or perhaps they don't want to for some other reason (e.g. it's not an 'investment' like a career change).

I once asked my dad for some financial help in a real crisis, he said no. I wouldn't dream of cutting him off, he's a brilliant grandfather to my children and I like to have a relationship with him, even though in this one instance he let me down.

If they are toxic in lots of ways, fair enough. I can see having very nasty people in your life isn't nice. But if they are normal people, inept, not perfect, perhaps prefer you when you are happy, don't want to give you money, but you like them and like spending time with them, and they are ok as grandparents, why cut them off as they didn't hand over the cash?

Financial crises can make everyone feel hysterical and blame can abound. Once you are back on your feet, I would consider the relationships within the family at that point.

I think there is definitely something more to this than meets the eye.

Did something bad happen to your sister? Is she unable to have kids? Or did something happen to you when you were a child? Might your parents for some reason hold you or your DH responsible for something bad?

I can't believe this is mere favouritism given your fathers extreme reaction.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. What does your sister say if you ask her for help?

They seem to be ok with paying for further education just not day to day expenses. Its not that odd therefore that as your sister chooses to keep learning that they assist with that. You say they did assist you with those costs as well.

Perhaps they feel that as you are now a mother yourself and have a DH that you adult enough to tackle life and the ups and downs it brings. Maybe they are old fashioned and believe your DH should be providing now, some people still think that way.

Short term you could both widen the job search to anything paid and wait for a job to come up in a preferred field. Any work at least puts food on the table and you can usually find shift or unusual hours work short term easily.