Why don't my parents help us when we are on the brink of losing everything, but give my sister obscene amounts of money?

[Changeforthebad]

Dh lost his job. He is struggling to find a new one. We have a 6 year old and a 4 month old.

We are living off my maternity allowance.it ends in July.

My parents are millionaires, but divorced. They have offered us nothing.not practically or emotionally.

My sister has just asked for £150k to embark on her 3rd career choice (they paid for the other courses too)

They will give it to her

I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Our baby is on her last nappy pack. I dont know what will happen after this.

There has been so many times these past 8 years when she has gotten huge amounts of money. I always just let it slide for the sake of peace. Even when they stood back the first time round when we both lost our jobs. Even when I got evicted.

But now feels the final straw. We are our our knees a left to struggle.

I know I am greedy and nasty

But I feel despair

I feel like I want to cut my family out of my life. I take it anymore. They are standing back letting their grandchildren suffer. My sister gets a life changing amount of money.

I feel so low.

change yes sweetheart, very much so.
I think I embarressed her. I wasnt her asperational idea of what her children would be. A single mother with a couple of brown kids living in a council flat was a constant reminder of where she came from.
Not that she was rich and not that I ever expected anything from her. I only ever asked her once. If she could have the DCs for a weekend. The pysch had told me I needed a rest so I asked my mum and she said no. It was 'too much for her'.

She was my age then. Now she is in her 70s and has been looking after my sibling's children for ages.

She is not a bad person but she clings very, very, very tightly to how she wants to be seen by others and how she sees herself.

I feel for you. Dont listen to the people banging on about not expecting help from your parents.

I am pretty hardcore with my eldest. I dont bail him out or bankroll him but I would do anything if he needed me to. I wouldnt see him go without or his baby (god willing) go without nappies.

No my sister isn't married, but they weren't willing with me even when I was single so I don't know if it's an old fashioned attitude or not?

what an utterly heartless post from Helltotheno would hate to be a child of yours

Yes they regularly whinge and complain about me but hey who said being a parent was easy :)

Hell - so you did - that's what I get for skim reading. Still, don't think I could see my child get evicted for the sake of a loan/gift. Unless as you say it was the absolute umpteenth time and it was all going to go on booze or similar scenario... but don't think that caveat applies to OP.

ohdoadmit

That's interesting, I wonder if I'm an embarrassment to them. I remember when my ex left, I got a place on a nursing course as I thought it would be more stable than what I was doing at the time.

Due to the shift pattern I really needed some childcare help but my mum, who doesn't work, said it "wasn't wise to rely on her" so I couldn't go ahead.

I also remember when my ex left, I went to stay with her for one night as I was in pieces. In the morning she suggested I leave because her new partner she was living with "might not like it if we stayed much more". One of worst memories.

Make some news before you phone your parents, it is very easy to get sidetracked or veer towards "it's not fair". It's not fair, but saying that will get their backs up as they won't want to admit their behaviour.

Make some notes, not "news". Bloody auto correct!

I'm afraid (it sounds like) your mum simply isn't a nice person

She is nice when I'm happy. She likes visiting then.

Come to think of it she was happy to come to baby scans but never bothered to see me for 2 months when I became extremely sick in pregnancy and couldn't get out of bed

She wanted to be at dd2 birth but didn't visit when I got readmitted with an infection even though dh begged her

It's a pattern isn't it? I can see it now. Happy to be there when I'm happy.

Change I know this sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be, but how would you cope if you had no parents? (At 26 I had lost both parents and had to sink or swim by my own efforts.)
What I am trying to say is, please look around for other ways of handling your problems. What about your DH's family? What about benefits? What about p/time work for one or both of you?
Tackle your situation yourself and you will come out of it stronger and more able to cope with what life has in store for you. That should gain the respect of everyone, your parents included.

Sorry, I don't mean to judge her when I don't even know her. That certainly is an interesting pattern. It's a cliche on here, but maybe it would help to talk it over with someone?

Is it just me who thinks that when her arse needs wiping when shes old, im betting your sister wont be the one that she asks Change.

What about your father? You say your parents are divorced and you mention your mother's behaviour towards you. How does your father treat you? Have you talked to him directly about your needs?

Sorry to hear about your loss rez

I suppose we are coping as we had no parents really though, as they are doing nothing. Dh has no family.

We are waiting to hear about benefits, and we dedicate a minimum of 3 hours per day to job hunting but we are running out of things to apply for

Well we already have, but are looking into any option now, even abroad or different parts of UK

Dh has quite a specialised career, but us looking at other options and approached all his industry contacts

We have got ourselves out of messes before but I don't think we gained any respect :(

Change Have just re-read your OP and feel I was a bit rough on you. Maybe a trip to your GP might help. You sound depressed - and no wonder!
Get professional help. Make it your priority as soon as the BH is over.And try to call your Dad. Drop it into the conversation how strapped for cash you are. Wait for him to offer a helping hand.

Maybe, rightly or wrongly, your dps see you as a bad manager or believe that you've made poor lifestyle choices and are reluctant to hand out large sums of dosh that they believe you may fritter away on life's essentials rather using it to accumulate wealth.

It may be that they see funding your dsis as something of an 'investment' whereby she won't be coming to them for handouts if she's established in a career of her choice - albeit that it seems she's had a few changes of direction in that respect.

Unless they're on a par with Philip Green or Bernie Ecclestone, their wealth may be tied up in property and other assets and they may not have a couple of hundred grand readily to hand although, of course, given time it won't be a problem for them to realise this sum.

You've said your dsis has asked for £150k but I doubt that they'll simply hand her this amount, and it could be that they'll pay her course fees and make her a weekly/monthly allowance until she's completed her new studies.

It seems to me that the most constructive thing your dps could do for you and their dgc is to secure the roof over your head by paying off your mortgage conditional on you not remortgaging the property while you live in it, or otherwise buy you a property outright with a similar condition attached.

Instead of asking for a small loan which you'll soon dispose of and may find yourself going cap in hand again, I would suggest you ask your dps for a one-off gift of a sum that will ensure that in future you only need to find the money to meet your outgoings in respect of the amount you need to live on taking into account council tax, power bills, transport, food, repayment of student loans, tax overpayments, etc.

FWIW, I'd be happy to give a needy friend the odd grand now and again to help them out but I wouldn't rush to make good any debts they may owe the government or other agencies who can afford to wait for repayment.

Is this the sister who wants to retrain to work with animals, at the expense of your younger brother's chance to be funded through his (first) degree?

Your experience sounds horrible and there doesn't seem any obvious explanation for why your parents are treating you differently.

I wonder what your parent's story with their parents/caregivers was? I wonder if their was some injustice in their upbringing that they're unconsciously repeating and they've got some humongous blind spot about. I know this isn't a very practical suggestion and I don't recommend you spend too much more thought trying to think of a reason for their irrational unfairness-however I wonder if it might help in terms of when you are discussing your feelings with them if you consider there might be something unspoken in their backgrounds? on the other hand the practical suggestion above of I need X amount, for X, and could pay you back in installments of X might be better than trying to talk to them on an emotional level.

My parents favour one of my sisters and has bought her a house, kitchen etc etc. This sounds horrible but she's definitely the victim in the family and my mum feeds off her misfortune for narcissistic supply-- it makes my mum feel good to see her suffer and then makes her feel even better to be digging her out of holes with money. My mum can't get this supply off me in the same way.

Is there some satisfaction that your parents (or one of them) gets from giving money to your sister that they would not get if they gave it to you? The nursing thing struck a chord with me- I know my mum is jealous of my educational achievement and runs down my degree and "forgets" I am doing a PHd--I'm skinter than my sister (my choice-rather than circumstance) but I do wonder if her jealousy fuels the financial inequity? Just some thoughts.

Good luck anyway I'm sure you will find a way out of this (god not to echo your mother's words sorry :-( ) with or without them.

Maybe your parents are a pair of cnuts. Happens.

If she will only help when you are "happy" and you do want her to give you money why not do it in a different way?

Instead of saying "we're on our knees and can't afford nappies" say "DH/i has/have had a wonderful idea for a new business/training opportunity/ decided to take a spiritual retreat to enrich me soul/want to set up a charity to help others/need to hire a private tutor for DCs" or whatever. Don't lie, make it a true aspiration but ensure it gives you breathing space in which to move on successfully.

Good luck.

I think its only natural to compare the help you get and what your sister gets. Wouldn't we all if we are honest? Who wants to be treated differently? If we were wouldn't we wonder why?

Its just not right to give more to one child then the other for no good reason. Its damaging to a persons self esteem, how can it not be!

Agree poopoo and of course the failing is entirely with the parents.

What everyone is saying about her wanting to only be there for the good times is certainly sounding true. How weird!

I was wondering if they help with your sisters education because they value that as something to spend money on.

Some interesting thoughts and perspectives and ways to deal with it...

Sigh. I just don't know!