Why don't my parents help us when we are on the brink of losing everything, but give my sister obscene amounts of money?

[Changeforthebad]

Dh lost his job. He is struggling to find a new one. We have a 6 year old and a 4 month old.

We are living off my maternity allowance.it ends in July.

My parents are millionaires, but divorced. They have offered us nothing.not practically or emotionally.

My sister has just asked for £150k to embark on her 3rd career choice (they paid for the other courses too)

They will give it to her

I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Our baby is on her last nappy pack. I dont know what will happen after this.

There has been so many times these past 8 years when she has gotten huge amounts of money. I always just let it slide for the sake of peace. Even when they stood back the first time round when we both lost our jobs. Even when I got evicted.

But now feels the final straw. We are our our knees a left to struggle.

I know I am greedy and nasty

But I feel despair

I feel like I want to cut my family out of my life. I take it anymore. They are standing back letting their grandchildren suffer. My sister gets a life changing amount of money.

I feel so low.

I won't say specifically what £150k is for at risk of outing myself, but it is for start up costs and money to cover her living costs until she earns

She already had a degree and her living costs paid for and did nothing with the degree. Then she got a 2 year course paid for after that.

It does upset me I'm left with all this debt from my degree and post grad studies. She said she didn't want a loan as it meant wasting money on interest. Well good for her. I only just paid some credit card debt off finally at the start of this year that was left over from meeting living costs as a student.

Though to fair my rent was covered for the first 2years

Well thanks for that hell

The first time was because my abusive ex walked out on myself and dd1 and refused to keep paying his share of the rent.

The 2nd time was because this thing called the recession started and dh company had mass redundancies.

Thanks again

I want my child to be self sufficient but it doesn't mean I won't help him out in a time of need.

Sorry to hear about your situation and I think there is nothing wrong with asking parents for financial help. As a parent I have taken the job on for life and although I hope my children will be able to take care of themselves I hope to God I am never heartless enough to see them suffer. I'm not talking about funding them forever but a little financial assistance now and again isn't beyond reason. I'm shocked that anyone would think it was.

Ask them and if they refuse you know where you stand with them.

And yes it true, as a baby and school child my parents did pay for things. But as I said a few times, minus rent as a student nothing else

I'm not exactly asking to be trust fund brat

I'm asking for some emergency help

Look change you asked for opinions and you're getting opinions. I made the valid point that lots of people just aren't in a position to help out their adult children, having done all for them as younger kids, so their adult children have no choice but to work it out some other way.

I said I disagreed with your parents dishing out money on demand to your sister and that in particular, is what you are pissed off about. If what you want is money (or to be given the same money as your sister in other words), go and say that to them. The worst that can happen is they'll say no, then you can cut them off or do whatever you choose.

I don't however think they're unreasonable NOT to help either of you out any time you're in financial difficulty.

stop worrying about what your sister is or isnt getting

say mum i am desperate, can you lend me x and i will pay it back as soon as i can

its really not down to parents to sort you out though, nice as it would be. you or your husband have to sort it out, hard as it is

maybe your parents seen things from a different perspective

are you a bad manager
do you spend money frivously (sp)? i know people in loads of debt but give them a tenner and they will spend it on a new handbag, or other un neccessaries

do you keep getting pregnant or doing other stuff against their advice? maybe they know you cant cope with what you have, yet you keep taking on more responsibility

i think if i tried to help my kids yet they kept making the same stupid mistakes and not listening, i would be reluctant to keep forking out, let them sink or swim in the end

But I'm not lots of people, my parents could help they would not be ruined by helping us.

I agree adults should sort their life out, but is my sister not an adult too? If that is their attitude then it's needs to apply across the board
We are trying our very best, but it is an emergency.

I'm only asking my children be fed and have nappies and for us not too lose the roof over our heads.

But I also wish they would offer some emotional support. My mum said she would ring me a week ago to see how things were and I'm still waiting

No we dont spend like that. I have 1 handbag I have had for past 6 years.

I dont keep getting pregnant. I have 2 children with a 6 year gap. We had dd2 because at the time we could afford her.

You need to talk to them.

I bet they have their reasons even if you don't agree with them. As Hell said perhaps they think you don't manage money well - who knows? But you need to talk to them.

Stop fixating on your sister. That will get you nowhere.

Communicate with them. Tell them outright you are struggling massively and could they possibly help you? Don't bring your sister in to it, unfair though it may be.

It sounds like there are lots of issues at stake here because you see them treating her differently but i think, unless you bring it up with them, you need to focus on yourself and your family and your immediate problems and how they can help you with that.

I would be surprised if they thought I was the one with the problem, seeing as I have been self-sufficient until now where my sister has had nearly everything paid for, despite only 2 years younger with no children.

I used to get treated very differently to my siblings. I now have no contact with my parents (for many, many reasons not limited to financial). I've never been happier.

If they treat you differently financially then chances are they will treat you differently in other aspects (emotional support etc) too. I would bet good money that your sister's future children will get treated differently to your own children too.

I am trying to bring my children up to be self-sufficient but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't help if life threw them a curve ball.

You've been aware of these differences with your sister since you were a child, I may be way off mark here, but this could also be why you ended up in an abusive relationship. That was certainly my story. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for, anyone who has got out of an abusive relationship will agree. Can I gently suggest that some counselling might really help you.

On a practical side, I understood that if there was an over-payment of tax credits it is paid back as a percentage of future awards. Those on very low incomes pay back at 10% of the award.

Contrary to suggestions above, I see time and time again that it is the frivolous siblings that get parental help not the sensible ones.

Good luck.

I will buy you some nappies if you are near enough for me to drop them round.

Hell you didn't make the point that some people aren't in a position to help their adult children, you said 'The fact that they're millionaires is immaterial - it's their money to do as they choose with when they are living' - which while technically correct is hardly a point that they aren't in position to help which you are now saying - would you really see your grandchildren go without basic necessities for the lack of what you could easily give?

Do you have a heart of stone? - I wouldn't even see a friend in that position if I could help easily, never mind my child/grandchildren.

OP you do not come across as grasping and think you are right to feel wounded. Have you actually talked to them about this massive disparity in the way they treat their daughters? What did they say?

Thankyou Gertie, that was a lovely message. I do question why I allowed myself to be in such an awful realtionship. I know I was very low at the time and very lonely. You could well be right.

idont that is so kind of you, you made me feel quite emotional. It's very sweet of you, but please don't worry x

Oh OP, you poor thing. Don't worry about the 'now you're a grown up your parents owe you nothing' brigade if you can't turn to your family, who should you turn to? Being smug and self righteous is extremely unattractive.

Speak to your parents again, maybe word it in an letter with how much you need and a repayment plan? Set it down and be practical. They may not respond but you will have least given it a proper go.

Don't focus on your sister, the jealousy will eat you up. My father does the same to my sister and it drivecan me potty so i've put distance up. I don't have money problems at the moment though, so am not as vulnerable as you.

I hope they help you.

They sound bloody awful. I don't know how they can live with themselves treating you and your sister so differently.

Have you tried breaking it down for them? ie please could you lend me £200 so I can buy nappies for the next month at £40 and pay the council tax at £160? Maybe they underestimate how bad your situation is because they don't have to worry about money themselves and this would help them see how dire it is?

what an utterly heartless post from Helltotheno would hate to be a child of yours

Is your sister married?

Is it some kind of old fashioned belief they hold that the father/ mother supports the child until a husband takes the role?

Does sound shit though I think to help one child and not another is wrong IMO, despite the fact they actually do not have to help you.

would you really see your grandchildren go without basic necessities for the lack of what you could easily give?

It depends what the leadup was, that's all I can say, and no I don't have a heart of stone but no good can come of constantly bailing out children. And I do think people have to take some responsibility for the life choices they make. Getting yourself out of the shit as self-sufficiently as possible makes you a stronger person, and I speak from experience when I say that.

In the past, I have actually been helped financially by family a couple of times, but only with loans, which I paid back as soon as possible.

Gin I made two seperate and valid points. First, I asked the OP what would she be doing now if her parents were not in the picture at all financially, which is the case for many?
Second, I don't think the fact that her parents have money means they have to bail her or her sister out time and time again.