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Original poster

"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

166 replies

chasingautumn · 06/04/2012 21:02

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 06/04/2012 21:18

This is hard.
Movingto another country can be very hard when things are well within a couple. If there are any issue, they are magnified.

TBH from what you say, it doesn't seem that he really wants to soend some time with you.

How were things before you moved there?

Original poster
chasingautumn · 06/04/2012 21:21

No, he clearly doesn't want to spend time with me - he does with the DC, but not with me. He'd say (and did say), that's because I am being so 'down' and cross, so why would he want to.

Things before the move were okay - better. But there was less pressure on him from me then too.

If I had something to DO then it'd be better, but I don't and I can't see how I can find something (outside the home anyway), in the short term. He's not back til 8pm most nights.

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 06/04/2012 21:39

So do you think the issue is 'My DW isn't fun to be with therefore I am finding ways to escape' forgetting that you move there to be with him and he should be supporting you and helping you getting used to a new way of life
Or is it 'My DW is really hard work atm and I can't cope with it'

Is there any expat group there where you could start making friends?

Original poster
chasingautumn · 06/04/2012 21:48

I think it's 'I am under loads of stress with the move and a new office and new colleagues and I come home to DW whinging and complaining'. Which, you know, I wouldn't want to be around me either right now.

There's an expat group in the nearest city (where DH works); there tend to be meetups for young professionals though - there are parent and baby groups nearby but very little for older children. The DCs are bussed off to school and I am hoping there will be chances to meet other parents - but not yet.

I need to learn to drive but I can't - I can learn but need more paperwork, money and time than we have at present to begin. DH commutes on the train.

OP posts:
joanna2012 · 06/04/2012 22:06

would you want to spend time with someone who was moaning and miserable all the time

i wouldnt

minceorotherwise · 06/04/2012 22:11

No, Joanna, but if it was my DP I would want to help them feel better. As that's what being in a partnership is kind of about?
Not having to pretend to be happy and jolly when you are not, to keep your partner happy??

margoandjerry · 06/04/2012 22:15

joanna I think your comment is odd. Reading between the lines, the OP has given up a lot to live somewhere the DH can slot in more easily than she can. It's very odd not to understand that.

Even in your own country it's hard being stuck at home all day with DCs. In a foreign country where you have to start again with the search for company it's very hard.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 06/04/2012 22:15

joanna - very helpful Hmm

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 06/04/2012 22:16

You need to talk to DH, tell him that he needs to help you to sort something out or you might as well move back 'home' with the kids. This is no life for you.

Zoonose · 06/04/2012 22:17

Hang on though, it is for better or for worse, through good times and bad etc ... And everyone can be moaning and miserable at times in their lives, and when you're married to someone it might not be fun, but it's part of what you're there for, to help them feel better - just as you'd go and get them paracetamol if they had a headache.

It sounds like a stressful time for both of you. I think it is easy to get complacent in marriage and during stressful times it's harder to put your own feelings aside and think about the other person. But he should be able to be a bit more supportive and understand that these are lonely days for you! I'd be hurt if I was you, though. It wouldn't take much to give you a hug and sit down and watch TV with you, it's not asking much!

Original poster
chasingautumn · 06/04/2012 22:33

I said I wouldn't want to be around me either - I can 'understand' it. He wants everything to be positive and happy and I am spoiling it.

But if the roles were reversed I would be doing everything in my power, you know? Even grinning and bearing it. And sitting and watching the TV and having a chat, not shutting him out.

I wish I wasn't feeling so negative, and I know it really upsets him.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 06/04/2012 22:57

OP, you shouldn't have to encourage him to want to spend time with you- he should want to anyway. I agree with others- if DH was unhappy I would do everything I could to change that. I've been pretty unbearable myself in the past- possibly undiagnosed PND, among other things- my DH has always managed to 'grin and bear it'. He has sometimes had to tell me that I'm being unbearable, but he's never resorted to just avoiding me.
So even if you are difficult to be around, he shouldn't bail this easily.
Actually, though, I'm not convinced you sound that bad- are you sure it's you and not him that's changed? Just a thought.

Original poster
chasingautumn · 07/04/2012 16:49

I woke up this morning and he'd gone out with the DCs Sad - not even told me they were going. Won't be back til just before dinner apparently.

OP posts:
ll31 · 07/04/2012 18:14

sounds awful - are you living in his home country now? Really think and sorry if this sounds crass but think you should consider learning to drive. Wont solve ur relationship issues but will certainly give you more options

Marshmallowflump · 07/04/2012 18:44

Feel for you I was married along time ago to a guy who worked abroad and i went with him before my DC, it is really hard when the wife can not work or meet anyone, how does driving appeal to you, it would give you an interest and your independence to go and meet at a mother and toddlers group , please dont despair , there is always help out there, it is just sourcing it, You have given up alot to go with your hubby , i KNOW what that takes, if you really want this to work you will see a way through , and will hopefully look back and say thank god i took action, because I am afraid your man is not up to doing that for you, but he should be supporting you and encouraging you, good luck.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/04/2012 19:04

What country is it?

Original poster
chasingautumn · 07/04/2012 20:13

I am going to learn to drive but don't have the money/opportunity just now. I knew that going in but didn't realise HOW isolating it was going to be here.

DH says I should get the train into the city, which I could do but I'd need to come right back to be here for the DCs coming back from school.

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 08/04/2012 10:06

There is a massive problem for me here.

He thinks it's OK for him to leave with the dcs wo telling you about it before hand???
What about being polite and respectful of you, at leats as a parent? What sort of message does he thnk he is giving to his own dcs?!?

I think you are totally right. Your relationship should be a partnership. You gave up a lot to support him and come with him to a different country for his own benefit not yours.
He might be having some hard time to adjust to his new job (like any new job) but it doesn't mean that you have to be the one who nis always cheerful and supporting him. What about him supporting you too?

Can I ask, if he has to take the train to commute to work, you don't have a car and can't go out, why didn't you get a house in the city which would ahve made things easier for you and him, allowed you to make contacts more easily and would ahve allowed the dcs to children from the expat community more easily?
have you lived abroad before?

MarieFromStMoritz · 08/04/2012 10:09

You need to get more independent and it seems the only way you can do this is to learn to drive. Make this a priority.

Hebiegebies · 08/04/2012 10:12

Would you have liked to join them wherever they went yesterday?

Can you speak the local language?

From what you've written, I'd be back in my home country by now!

PeppaIsBack · 08/04/2012 10:39

Marie I am sure this is the OP's priority. But ther seems to be a lots of issues attached to it (paperwork, time, money etc...) so this is something that will take time. And even more time to meet people and start a life from scratch.

This is very hard to do without the support of your family .

MarieFromStMoritz · 08/04/2012 10:40

Yeah I know Peppa, I was in the same position.

maleview70 · 08/04/2012 11:02

It reads to me that you don't really want to be there and probably never have.

My DW cousin went to Australia with her husband. He was the driver of this decision. They lasted 2 years. She just hated it and felt very isolated while he pursued his dreams. He came back with her as they would have split up if he hadn't.

Driving would help. Surely money isn't that tight I you were able to move countries?

maybenow · 08/04/2012 11:08

you need to do something for YOU - before it's too late...

get yourself signed up to an evening class or sports club, even if you need to take a taxi once a week to start with (you might get a lift after you get to know people) and put it in the family diary as a non-negotiable.

you have done so much for your DH that he can at the very least allow you to do this..

[p.s. can you get around by bike? sounds silly but in many countries a bike is a reasonable way of getting around up to 5mile radius without even needing to be that fit]

Original poster
chasingautumn · 08/04/2012 22:04

we couldn't afford a house in the city. And the 'suburbs' here are much nicer. I was so excited when this move was put on the table but it's just not been like I had hoped.

I was shocked they went out without even telling me. He said that they wanted to do this particular thing and I was still asleep so they left. It would've taken me 5 minutes to throw on some clothes and come too. Later he said that I would've 'ruined it by being miserable all the time' and he 'wanted some quality time with the DCs'.

Money is beyond tight. Our flights, minimal amounts of shipping and first month's rent were paid and that's it. Another shock especially as incidental costs are much higher than we thought/were told. We mostly came for the 'experience'. Hah!

I really want to do an evening class or join a gym - it's not so much the driving that's the problem there but childcare. DH comes home at erratic hours. I would need to 'justify' expense - gym easier to justify than evening class.

OP posts: